Oops

Niles

So I just had to get out of the house. Maris's Junior League are rehearsing their spring musical - this year they're doing "Cats." The past week and a half I've been watching two dozen underweight, tightly-pulled woman in leotards crawling round the music room, meowing. I'm telling you Frasier, my allergies are acting up.

Frasier

Oh Niles, I think you're exaggerating.

Niles

No. No, really. You've no idea how vivid the experience is. As God is my judge, I swear, Mrs. Presley-Bismouth was scent- marking the divan.

Frasier

God, you'd think women of that age would choose more suitable material. Remember the last show they did, "The Sound Of Music"? My God, half the Von Trapp children were having hot flashes.

Roz

Hi, Frasier, Niles.

Niles

Let me guess. The wacky gang from the office?

Frasier

[making introductions] Everyone, this is my brother Niles. This is Teddy, one of our brilliant engineers..

Teddy

[shaking hands] Niles.

Niles

Teddy, my man!

Frasier

This is KACL's inimitable "Chopper" Dave. Your Eye in the Sky for traffic.

Dave

[loudly] NICE TO MEET YOU, NILES!

Niles

[to Frasier] Why is this man yelling?

Dave

Oh, was I yelling? Oh god, I was yelling again, wasn't I? I'm sorry, talking over the blades, you know? Whoomp- whoomp-whoomp-whoomp-whoomp-whoomp...

Niles

This has been kind of fun, ah, but I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags. [leaves]

Frasier

Well, KACL team, what is on the agenda for today?

Roz

Sit down and listen to this. I got a juicy piece of news, and it's reliable. Alan in Accounting got it from Steven in Promotions, who got it from Cindy in Retail Sales, who got it from Arlene, the station manager's secretary - that the station is definitely way over budget, and somebody's getting the ax. But don't tell anybody, I was sworn to secrecy.

Frasier

Roz, I'm ashamed of you! Gossip, gossip, gossip. Don't you know how destructive that can be? It does nothing but sully good people's names and create an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust.

Roz

Oh, lighten up. Gossip is the lifeblood of the corporate world. If it wasn't for gossip, we wouldn't know any of the important things, like how much everybody makes.

Frasier

You know my salary?

Dave

NO-ONE'S SALARY'S A SECRET AROUND HERE.

Bulldog

Ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven...

Teddy

Hey, Bulldog. How's it going?

Bulldog

Great — ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred! - new high for me.

Roz

Squeezing or counting?

Bulldog

[barks at Roz, then goes to counter] Java to go.

Dave

YOU KNOW WHO I THINK'S GETTING DUMPED? FATHER MIKE FROM "RELIGION ON THE LINE."

Roz

No way. Station loves him. Just gave him a big bonus.

Bulldog

Hey, where's my tickets to the Sonics game? They were here just a second ago. [hits the counter] SOMEBODY STOLE MY TICKETS TO THE SONICS GAME! THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S! THIS IS... [checks another pocket] oh, got 'em. Got 'em.

Roz

Hey. You guys don't think it's Bulldog who's getting canned?

Teddy

Could be.

Frasier

Oh, no no no no. He's the station's highest-rated personality. I mean, with the exception of women thirty-five to fifty-four who happen to think that I'm... sort of a god.

Teddy

But he has been in that salary beef with management.

Roz

And I heard him screaming at business affairs for putting his expense account on hold.

Dave

OH YEAH, BULLDOG'S OUT!

Bulldog

Hey. Have you heard about my new gimmick for the show? If the Seahawks beat Buffalo this Sunday, I promise to do my entire show hanging by my feet.

Frasier

You can do that?

Bulldog

Oh, sure. Practiced all morning. The real trick is drinking coffee. I keep burning my eyes. Hey, Dave. Want my tickets to the Sonics Game tonight?

Dave

[takes them] THANKS! WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?

Bulldog

Ah, station manager wants to see me after work.

Teddy/Dave/Roz

Ooh...

Frasier

Oh people, people. You're jumping to conclusions. Show a little respect. Bulldog has devoted fifteen years of his life to radio. My own personal feelings aside, the man deserves better than to become the object of some scurrilous rumor that as yet hasn't a shred of truth to it.

Roz

Yeah. I suppose you're right.

Frasier

Yes, well... just in case, I've got dibs on his parking space. [leaves]

Roz

Dr. Crane, we have Don on his car phone. He's having a problem with his weight.

Frasier

Don, it's a common problem. I'm listening.

Don

[v.o.] Ah, it's the screwiest thing, Doc. I eat healthy, I work out. But no matter what I do, I can't lose a pound, it's very depressing.

Frasier

Yes, well, losing weight can be a lifelong struggle. It takes a commitment. Now, if you're ready to accept that, there are a number of things I can suggest...

Waitress

[v.o., in background] May I take your order, please?

Frasier

Uh Don, what was that?

Don

Ah — oh, nothing. It was the radio. Go ahead, you were talking.

Frasier

Don...? Where are you?

Don

I'm just driving around.

Waitress

[v.o.] Hey, speak into the clown's mouth!

Frasier

Don...?

Don

Sorry, Dr. Crane. [imitates static] I'm going to lose you. I'm going into a tunnel. Goodbye! [hangs up]

Frasier

Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is a heat lamp over a large order of fries. We'll be right back after the news.

Roz

Hey Frasier, I've got to run up to payroll, be back in five.

Frasier

Okay.

Frasier

Oh, hi Father Mike.

Mike

Oh, hello Frasier.

Frasier

How you doing?

Mike

Say, I just heard a rumor that somebody 'round here is being let go. Do you know anything about that, because to tell you the truth, I'm afraid it might be me.

Frasier

Oh Father, Father. You should better than to put any stock in idle office gossip.

Mike

I know, I know. But it's hard not to. My numbers have been down lately, they keep changing my timeslot. I'm really bummed!

Frasier

Well, listen Father. I don't like to engage in gossip, but you have nothing to worry about.

Mike

Yes? Why?

Frasier

Well, someone is being let go...

Mike

Oh?

Frasier

But ah, it's not you. It's Bulldog.

Mike

Bulldog? Oh, what a shame.

Frasier

Yes.

Mike

Has anybody spoken for his parking space?

Frasier

Well I have, yes.

Bulldog

So I'm a goner, huh?

Frasier

Bulldog. Well, how long have you been...?

Bulldog

Long enough to know I'm the one who's out. [starts banging head on table] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Damn it! Now I know why Ned Miller wants to see me after work. It's to can my butt. I mean, why else would he be willing to miss happy hour at El Paquito's? The man's a total boozer!

Frasier

Now, now now now now, Bulldog listen, this is just a rumor. You know how out of the loop I am.

Bulldog

Oh, yeah. And after all I've done for this lousy station, this is how they repay me? Well, that's it! Nobody fires Bob Briscoe! I'll quit first.

Frasier

Now, now now. Don't do anything rash. Now listen, I suggest you try to vent your anger first.

Frasier

Well... there, way to go. Now, on your way.

Bulldog

You're damn right. [he leaves, as Roz returns]

Roz

Hey, Bulldog.

Bulldog

No time to talk, slim, I'm off to war!

Bulldog

Wait for me.

Roz

Oh! [to Frasier] What was that?

Frasier

Bulldog's quitting.

Roz

Why?

Frasier

Well, because Ned Miller is firing him.

Roz

Who told you that?

Frasier

You did.

Roz

That was just a rumor... You didn't tell him that, did you?!

Frasier

I didn't mean to, he overheard me.

Roz

Oh, God!

Frasier

What? Come on, you guys were so positive - the expense account thing, the meeting with management at five?

Roz

That meeting was to discuss taking his show national! Don't you know anything that goes on around here?!

Frasier

Apparently not!

Roz

Well, don't just stand there. Go call his secretary, she'll stop him before he gets in.

Frasier

I don't believe this, this is incredible, [on phone] Yes, hello, hello Arlene? Arlene, yes, listen. Bob Briscoe's about to jump into the office and... oh. [replaces phone] God, he's already burst into the office with Miller. Oh god, this is a disaster.

Roz

Maybe not, maybe not. Maybe before Bulldog starts anything Miller will tell him what the meeting was really about.

Frasier

Well I, I suppose you're right. For all we know they may be having a good laugh about this right now.

Roz

Grab that mike. We're out of the news in one minute.

Bulldog

I did it! I scorched him! [laughs maniacally] You should have seen the look on his face. Oh, I even told him about the time his wife came on to me at the Christmas party. I said there wasn't enough liquor in the world to make me sleep with that porker!

Frasier

You said that to Ned Miller?

Bulldog

Yes! Yeah, he even took a swing at me. I gave him a little okey-doke and he hit air!

Frasier

My god, the man tried to strike you? Listen, Bulldog...

Bulldog

Hey, hey! No sudden moves, doc. I'm still too pumped. I feel like poppin' someone. [he leaves]

Frasier

My god, my god, this is unbelievable. [to Roz] A man has quit his job just because of a rumor that you spread!

Roz

Me?! The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of him. I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!

Frasier

I'm a bad, bad man. [hangs head in shame]

Roz

Well Frasier, you have got to do something. You gotta call Ned Miller and get this whole thing cleared up.

Frasier

Oh, right. "Call Ned Miller, clear this thing up." The man is totally unstable, he tried to take a swing at me the day he hired me.

Dave

OOH, JUST HEARD A HOT RUMOUR! BULLDOG QUIT!

Frasier

No kidding.

Dave

BUT KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT! VERY HUSH-HUSH! [leaves]

Martin

Niles, what brings you here?

Niles

[carrying a dead plant] Well, I was hoping Daphne could take a look at this plant. I bought it for Maris but it unaccountably turned against her. I thought Daphne was the perfect person to nurse it back to health with her soft, sensual hands and her loving... manner. Is she here?

Martin

No, she stepped out. I don't know when she'll be back.

Niles

Well, I'm off. [goes towards door]

Martin

What, hey! You can stay. I haven't seen you for a while, you can visit.

Niles

Well, yes we could, couldn't we?

Niles

...So, how are ya?

Martin

Fine. You?

Niles

Fine... She's fine.

Martin

...Pickle?

Niles

No, thanks.

Martin

...Look Niles, if you just came to see Daphne, you don't have to stay.

Niles

Dad, I can't believe you would say that. To your own son. I am deeply insulted. Here I wanted to have some time with you but now I'm so upset I'll have to leave. [heads towards door again, just as Daphne enters]

Daphne

Oh, hello Dr. Crane. Staying for dinner?

Niles

Yes, love to.

Niles

Daphne, I had the fervent hope that you could coax this back to life. It's one of Maris's favorites.

Daphne

My goodness, what did she do to it?

Niles

Nothing. Just loved it.

Frasier

God. Can you believe this weather?

Martin

Oh, Frasier. I'm glad you're home. What happened to Bulldog?

Frasier

[panic-stricken] Who told you?

Martin

Nobody told me anything. I turned into the "Gonzo Sports Show" today like I always do, and they had Father Mike filling in. I hate that. All it was, was "Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame."

Frasier

Yes, well, Bulldog tended his resignation.

Martin

Oh, no. Why would he do that? He's the top sports guy in town.

Frasier

Well, you know, things just go funny sometimes. It's a tough business, this radio game, you know?

Daphne

Dr. Crane, I'm picking up something from you. You're shrouded in an aura of guilt.

Frasier

...Maybe I am.

Niles

Daphne, that's fantastic. Do me, do me.

Daphne

No, I'm on to something here. [to Frasier] You actually think you're responsible for Bulldog losing his job.

Martin

Frasier?

Frasier

All right, all right. Ah, there was a rumor going �round the station that Bulldog was going to get sacked, and then... I was repeating it to someone and he overheard me and flew off the handle, went up and quit his job. In the end it turned out that the rumor wasn't true. [to Daphne] Of course, you already knew that, didn't you?

Niles

Oh, excuse me. [answers phone] Hello? Maris... Maris? What's wrong? It's all right... no, no. Everything's going to be... Oh, dear. [puts phone back in pocket] Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats."

Daphne

Why?

Niles

She couldn't remember the words to "Memory."

Martin

Now listen here, Frasier. If you're responsible for Bulldog losing his job, you've got to make this right. You gotta go down to that station and talk to the boss and get him his job back.

Frasier

Well, that's a little easier said than done. Ned Miller is the most intimidating, heartless, mean-spirited man I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

Daphne

And he cheats on his wife... [realizes] My goodness, I'm on today.

Martin

So you're selling Bulldog down the river just 'cause you don't have the guts to go and face this guy?

Frasier

No, no. For all we know this might just be the best thing that ever happened to him. You know, he's always talking about how he should be in a larger market, like Los Angeles, or New York...

Frasier

Eddie, scoot. Scat.

Frasier

Oh, Bulldog.

Bulldog

Hiya, Doc.

Frasier

Well, what are you doing, just standing there?

Bulldog

...I don't know. I was trying to decide whether or not I should bother you. See, my life is kinda over, but you got company, so I'll go.

Frasier

No, no-no-no-no. Come in, come in, it's just family. This is my dad, and Daphne Moon.

Martin

Hey, Bulldog. You're soaking wet.

Bulldog

Yeah, I been wandering around the streets for the last few hours.

Martin

I heard what happened.

Bulldog

You haven't heard the half of it. [grabs Frasier's sherry and throws it back] My girlfriend threw me out. She said the only reason she was with me was because I was on the radio. Can you believe that? Eight years we've been together. I loved that woman. Even when I was tomcatting around, I loved that woman. God, that job was my life, and now I've been blackballed in this business, and all because of my stupid temper. [picks up a piece of African art] What is this, anyway?

Frasier

Oh, that's an exceedingly rare fertility symbol from a small nomadic tribe in Ghana.

Bulldog

I guess when they were passing out equipment, this guy was in the back of the line. [slams it down on the table] Anyway, I might as well face it, I'm just a loser, I'm a zero, I'm nothing, a has-been..

Martin

Pickle? [Bulldog accepts]

Daphne

Now, I'm not familiar with your work myself, but Mr. Crane often puts off his nightly bath just so he can hear your show.

Martin

Oh, yeah. You're the greatest, Bulldog. If you weren't on the radio, I wouldn't have a radio.

Bulldog

That's a nice thing to say. Now I know why your son is such a great guy. [Martin and Daphne turn to stare at Frasier] I've bothered you people enough. I better go. The good rooms at the "Y" fill up early. [Martin and Daphne stare at Frasier again]

Frasier

Wait. Bulldog, I can't let you leave like this. [goes into his pocket] Here's a twenty. [Martin glares at him] Oh, all right. Why don't you just spend the night, you can take the couch.

Bulldog

Wow. You'd do that for me?

Frasier

Why sure, what's the point of having an expensive suede couch if you can't have a bunch of people crashing on it?

Bulldog

Thanks, Doc. Hey, I hope it's okay, but I could really use a hot shower.

Frasier

Oh sure, sure.

Daphne

Down the hall, second door on the left. Towels are in the cabinet.

Frasier

Now, you two just leave me alone. This is not my fault. Look, I am not responsible for Bulldog going up there and popping off to the boss. You can stare at me 'til you're blue in the face, I'm not going to go see Ned Miller.

Frasier

Oh, all right! I'll go down to the station, I will talk to the monster on the sixth floor and futilely attempt to get a man back his job that I don't even care for, and in the process I will probably end up spitting out my teeth like Chiclets! Is there anything else I can do for you?

Daphne

Oh, if you're going by the market, we're low on dog food.

Miller

What, what?!

Frasier

[entering] Mr. Miller...

Miller

Oh, it's you, Crane.

Frasier

Look, I don't mean to disturb you, but Arlene wasn't at her desk.

Miller

I had to let her go. A lot of stuff she's been doing lately's been ticking me off.

Frasier

If this is a bad time...

Miller

No, it's a perfect time, I need you to hold this. [indicating picture] Come on. Now!

Frasier

Okay, how's this?

Miller

I'd love to tell you, but your big head's in the way.

Miller

Ah, put it down.

Frasier

Oh my lord! What happened here?

Miller

Oh, that psycho Bulldog and I got into it this afternoon. He threw my Golden Mike at me!

Frasier

[looking at hole] And he did that with your little trophy?

Miller

No, he just chipped the paint with the trophy, I did that with his head!

Frasier

Ah. That's, ah, sort of why I'm here.

Miller

Drink?

Frasier

No. No thank you, Mr. Miller. Um, I know that Bulldog was up here, and he said some... pretty regrettable things to you.

Miller

I'll say he said some things. You want to hear them? I tape everything in this office.

Frasier

Well anyway, ah, a lot of what he said was, ah... was my fault, you see? Well, you see, I heard a rumor that, ah, management was thinking about lightening the load a bit. Well, I heard it was Bulldog that was gonna get sacked and I... I was repeating the rumor to someone and Bulldog heard me. And that's why he came up here and started telling you...

Miller

That I'm a drunk, that I'm incompetent at my job, that my wife is a big fat slut!

Frasier

That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight! [realizes] Well anyway, my point is that, um, I'd like you to reconsider giving Bulldog his job back. And ah, whatever the consequences to me, I'm willing to accept it.

Miller

Look, I won't kid you. Bulldog meant big numbers to us in Drive Time, we need him back. Tell you what - you get him to apologize to me... oh hell, why don't I just say it? If he'll kiss my ass, maybe we can work something out.

Frasier

Oh sir, sir, I'm sure that'll make him so happy.

Frasier

Well, I'll just, ah, get out of you hair. [goes to door]

Miller

Actually Crane, that uh, rumor about someone being let go is, uh... true.

Frasier

What?

Miller

Now that you've so nobly gotten Bulldog his job back, the station still needs to make some cutbacks on those high-priced salaries.

Frasier

Oh god, not Father Mike? Oh, no.

Miller

No. It's not Father Mike.

Frasier

Chopper Dave? Ray the Greengrocer? Bonnie "the Auto Lady" Weems?

Miller

Look, Crane. You're new to the radio game, I've been around a long time. People get fired. But they always get back on their feet. So... I bet you I could get you that drink now?

Frasier

Yes, I bet you could.

Miller

[the phone rings] Help yourself.

Miller

Ned Miller! Yo, Jack! No, what's wrong? Ah, come on, tell me now. Uh-huh. I see. No, no no, I-I... Thanks, Jack.

Miller

Excuse me. [fills his glass]

Frasier

Bad news?

Miller

Oh, you could say that. I've just been fired. They decided the best way to cut the budget was to get rid of MY high salary.

Frasier

[struggles to hide his grin] Oh, Ned, I... I'm so sorry. Then I guess this means that my job is still safe, then?

Miller

Yeah. I guess so.

Frasier

[expansively] Well, you know Ned... I haven't been in the radio game that long. But, uh, I've been around long enough to know that people get fired. And when they do, they always seem to land on their feet. Now I've known quite a few people - and counseled them - that have suffered similar setbacks. But, ah, in time you will embrace this. Learn to think of this as, oh, a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles, they always say "Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else."

Miller

God, I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!