Death Becomes Him

Daphne

No, really. I've never had a serious boyfriend. No-one's really been interested.

Niles

Men can be such pigs. [starts making a swan out of the napkins Daphne is sorting out]

Daphne

It's not that people weren't trying to fix me up. Back in Manchester my mum was steering me toward Reginald Glower, the butcher's son. Pasty little thing. Never did take to him. I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side. [Niles flattens the swan] Was that a little swan you made?

Niles

No, it was a B-52.

Frasier

Well, Dad's done it again. That was Dr. Jennings's office on the phone. He's skipped his physical again today.

Daphne

Why, that little devil. No wonder he didn't want me to go with him.

Niles

Frasier, you know Dad's intense aversion to doctors, you should have seen that he got there.

Frasier

Yes, well I didn't see you volunteering this afternoon.

Niles

Well, I couldn't. I had my "fear of abandonment" workshop today, and I've already been a no-show twice.

Daphne

Wait 'til your father gets here, I'll give him such a piece of my mind.

Frasier

If only we had some way of knowing if he was about to arrive.

Martin

[to Eddie] Hey, how ya doin', boy? Yeah, glad to see you too.

Frasier

So. How was your exam today?

Martin

Oh, you know. Everything's pretty routine.

Frasier

EKG?

Martin

Perfect.

Niles

Blood pressure?

Martin

Textbook.

Frasier

Hope they took a full blood panel.

Martin

Oh, yeah. Told them to take two. They're small.

Daphne

Ooh, let's have a look. [Martin rolls up his sleeve] Ooh, look at this. A nice, big Band-Aid. [she rips it off his arm] Nice try!

Martin

Ouch! What did you do that for?

Daphne

Dr. Jennings's office called to reschedule your appointment. You never showed up today.

Niles

Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?

Martin

Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel fine. Besides, I don't like Dr. Jennings. He's got a model of a colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressors in it.

Frasier

Well, all right Dad, fine. If you don't like him, why don't you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finest gastroenterologists in this city.

Martin

She? Oh ho ho, no no. No way. If a doctor's gonna have me bend over, I want to look through my legs and see wingtips.

Daphne

Now now, we'll have none of that. We women have been poked and prodded by male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room - sitting there all naked and helpless and goose-bumpy.

Frasier

Niles, surely you could recommend someone?

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. Rec... OH! I know who you should see - Dr. Gary Newman. His office is in my building, he has a very successful practice, I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.

Frasier

Ooh, Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect.

Martin

Alright, alright. I'll make an appointment, I'll go see him.

Frasier

Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. I will make the arrangements and I will escort you personally.

Martin

Wonderful. I can't wait.

Daphne

Oh, stop grumbling. It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gowns where your little bum peeks through the back.

Frasier

So Niles, what's Dr. Newman's number?

Frasier

...Niles? NILES!

Niles

I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.

Martin

My appointment was supposed to be half an hour ago, how much longer are we gonna wait for this guy? Come on Frasier, let's get out of here.

Frasier

Dad, Dad, just relax. Read a magazine. Oh, here, here. Take the Cosmo quiz.

Martin

[reading] "Are your nipples sensitive?"

Frasier

Would you mind doing that quietly, it's not an oral exam.

Martin

You haven't seen the second question. Did you used to keep your patients waiting like this?

Frasier

Oh, just the compulsives. It was part of their therapy. Relax there, I'll take care of it.

Frasier

Yes, my father Martin Crane had an appointment thirty minutes ago?

Receptionist

Yes, I'm sorry. The doctor's running a little late this morning, but you'll be first up when he gets in.

Frasier

When he gets in? My God, where's he coming from, Spokane?

Receptionist

Actually he has a long drive in from his weekend house at Lake Shalonne.

Frasier

Lake Shalonne? Ooh, this guy must be terrific!

Martin

So?

Frasier

Dad, relax. He'll be here any minute. [looking around] You know Dad, I was just struck by one of life's little ironies. I remember you taking me to the doctor, and now here I am taking you.

Martin

Yeah. I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.

Frasier

Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.

Martin

Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop. Look, I'm serious. I'm not staying any longer, let's go.

Frasier

All right dad, look, I'll check and see if there's someone substituting for him.

Martin

[to lady] What are you here for?

Lady

Lately I've been having this overall sluggish feeling. It's hard even getting out of bed in the morning. Not to mention the cold weather. It's really making my joints hurt. I've started to notice flaking spots on my skin. What about you?

Martin

[who wishes he hadn't started this] I have sensitive nipples.

Frasier

Dad? I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to make your appointment today.

Martin

Oh, that's just great. These big-shot doctors, they keep you waiting for an hour and then they don't even have the decency to show up! What, play a little slow on the golf course today? That arrogant, inconsiderate jerk!

Frasier

Dad, Dad, Dad — Dr. Newman is dead. He died an hour ago.

Martin

I'm sure he was a good man.

Frasier

I mean, there he was, walking down his walkway this morning and, he bends over to pick up his newspaper and BANG! - he drops dead of a heart attack. It's just... God, you know? I pick up my newspaper every day. And the Sunday Times is very heavy, I'm thinking of canceling.

Roz

Well? These things happen.

Frasier

"These things happen?" Roz, how can you say that? My God, this was not an old man, he was my age.

Roz

What am I supposed to say? I guess I don't think of these things like you do. Guess it's because you're forty-one and I'm... [laughs] not.

Frasier

Don't you ever think about you're own mortality? Don't you ever think about dying?

Roz

Well, not me dying, but you know what I have thought about lately? I've been dating this older guy, and what if... you know? [Frasier doesn't] We were in bed together and he dropped dead? Well, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Sometimes he starts breathing very funny and I don't know if he's having a good time or if I've overexcited him to some dangerous level.

Frasier

Someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself.

Roz

Everybody's good at something.

Frasier

Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?

Roz

Because I have one.

Frasier

Niles, thank you so much for coming at such short notice.

Niles

Hello Dad, Daphne.

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Yes, I came as soon as I could. [for Daphne's benefit] I was in the middle of my workout, but, I can always pump iron later.

Daphne

Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.

Frasier

[taking a large folder over to the table] Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.

Niles

All right, all right. Now what is all this nonsense about getting your affairs in order?

Frasier

Well, it's this: Dr. Newman dying at such a young age really threw me for a loop. I was trying to figure out why, and I finally realized that I hadn't made the proper provisions for my own death.

Daphne

[entering with a bowl and a jar of peanuts] Here we go.

Niles

Oh! Here, allow me.

Frasier

First, the pertinent information. I've prepared copies for each of you. The location and numbers of my bank accounts; [Niles is still struggling with the jar] my safety deposit keys; the number for my attorney... Niles, what are you doing? Oh, give me that!

Niles

[to Daphne] I loosened it for him.

Frasier

Now, the distribution of my personal possessions.

Daphne

Oh, I really think this is a matter for family only.

Frasier

No, no Daphne, please, I'd like you to stay. I'll come to you later. Dad, Niles, I'd like you to put your names on these stickers, [hands them over] and place them on any object you'd like bequeathed to you.

Martin

This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.

Frasier

Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?

Martin

It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.

Niles

I don't want it.

Daphne

Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.

Frasier

Okay, fine. Now we come to the issue of... my remains.

Martin

Oh, jeez.

Frasier

I've arranged every detail in this easy-to-read binder. [gives binder to Martin]

Martin

Oh, this is taking it too far, would you look at this? [reads] "Burial; Casket; Caterers"?

Niles

Who are you using?

Frasier

Michaelson's.

Niles

Oh, they're very good. Excellent.

Martin

Excuse me. Excuse me! Are we about done?

Frasier

Well, there is just one more duck to put in the row. I've done some research and I've discovered that most unexpected deaths occur in the home. And Daphne, this is where you come in, the actual finding of the body.

Daphne

Ooh, save the best part for me, eh? Well, that's all right. I'm a health care provider. I've had my fair share of patients Die on me.

Martin

That's a comfort.

Frasier

Well, perhaps dad's right. Maybe we should just drop the subject. Well, thank you. This meeting has actually made me feel better, I think I can handle my mortality a bit better now. Well, enough talk about death. [produces a bottle of wine] Let's celebrate life with a bottle of Chateau Certair '75

Niles

Oh no, not the '75, I can't let you do that, that's far too good for the likes of us.

Frasier

Well, perhaps a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau would be more appropriate.

Martin

Eddie? Ah, there you are. Come on, boy. Frasier, what are you still doing up? [no answer] Frasier!

Frasier

Dad, please, shh. I'm trying to listen to my heartbeat. Amazing thing, the human heart. You know, it can pump eighteen hundred gallons of blood through it each and every day, but the tiniest tear in the tiniest part of the tiniest artery and "poof," you're gone.

Martin

I thought you were all okay about this stuff now.

Frasier

Oh, so did I. What is the matter with me? I guess I thought that putting my affairs in order would help me to deal with this thing, but it hasn't. I... I can't seem to get over the feeling that no matter how remote the possibility, something could happen to me. Jeez, I'd miss so much. I'd never get to see my son hit his first home run. It'd be a terrible thing for a father to miss.

Martin

Tell me about it. Look son, let me tell you something. There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I... I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.

Frasier

So what did you do?

Martin

I just forced myself to forget about it.

Frasier

Just like that?

Martin

Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I went right through it. [then] The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.

Frasier

You were this close to helping me there, Dad.

Martin

Look Frasier, just because some doctor dies doesn't mean you're gonna die.

Frasier

Yes, but he was just like me. Highly educated, sophisticated, at the top of his profession; I saw a picture of him in a medical journal, he even looked like me. Same determined chin, sweater vest and ever-so-slightly receding hairline.

Martin

Look, what do you know about this guy? You don't even know his medical history.

Frasier

Actually, you're on to something there, dad. Yeah, yeah. For all I know he could have had high blood pressure, popped pills, drank like a fish...

Martin

There you go, it could have been any of those things.

Frasier

I'm gonna find out what caused his heart attack. That's the only way I can disassociate myself from him. There's got to be some reasonable explanation. [heads towards bedroom] That's great, dad. Actually, I do feel better now.

Martin

Frasier, you've got something on your bathrobe.

Frasier

[discovers it's a sticker] Niles... the vultures are circling.

Frasier

Hello? Hello. [he attracts the attention of one of the guests] I called earlier, someone said Mrs. Newman would be here?

Allen

Oh, of course, please come in. I'm Allen Freedman. Gary was my cousin.

Frasier

Dr. Frasier Crane. My sincerest condolences. So, I didn't think Mrs. Newman would have company.

Allen

Oh, the family are sitting Shiva.

Frasier

Excuse me?

Allen

You're not Jewish, are you? It's our version of a wake.

Frasier

Oh — oh, yes. Oh, of course, of course. I didn't realize that Gary was Jewish, you see.

Allen

You're kidding.

Frasier

Uh, well no. Ah, well, you know, we were pretty close friends, spent a lot of time together — well, never on Friday nights, of course - but ah, you know, maybe I should come back another time.

Allen

No no, please. I'm sure Julie'd love to know that you came. She's right over there. [points]

Frasier

Oh, she looks busy. I can wait.

Allen

Of course. If you'll excuse me? [goes back to table]

Bobbie

May I help you?

Frasier

Ah. I didn't realize this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later.

Bobbie

You're not Jewish, are you?

Frasier

No, no. My, my ex-wife is, though. And, ah, so and thus my son is. Which makes me, ah, sort of... well I guess you could say... [gives up] No, I'm not Jewish.

Bobbie

We always cover mirrors at a Shiva. So those grieving don't have to be concerned with their own appearances.

Frasier

Ah. Ah well, you look very nice.

Bobbie

[relieved] Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy. I'm Bobbie, Gary's aunt.

Frasier

Dr. Frasier Crane. My deepest sympathies.

Bobbie

You're the doctor with the radio show, aren't you?

Frasier

Yes, yes.

Bobbie

Did you know Gary well?

Frasier

Well, yes. Yes, yes I did. Well I, there's so much more I wanted to know about the man. You see, ah... well oh, I don't know, ah... how was his health before he died?

Bobbie

Excellent. He was never sick.

Frasier

History of heart disease?

Bobbie

Oh, no.

Frasier

High blood pressure?

Bobbie

No.

Frasier

High cholesterol?

Bobbie

No.

Frasier

Do you know what his HDL was in comparison to his LDL?

Bobbie

No.

Frasier

I'm sorry. I'm asking too many questions. You know how doctors are, always looking for the answers to the mysteries of life.

Bobbie

Oh, Gail.

Gail

Aunt Bobbie. [they hug]

Bobbie

I know, I know. Gail, I'd like you to meet a friend of Gary's. Dr. Frasier Crane.

Gail

Dr. Crane? From the radio?

Frasier

Yes. I'm sorry for your loss.

Gail

I love your show. [re: her tears] Oh, I... I'm sorry about this. It's just, ah, when I went to pick up this linseed tort I thought of Gary and...

Frasier

Oh? So Gary had a fondness for fattening desserts, did he?

Gail

Oh. You didn't know Gary very well, did you? If he knew I brought this here, he'd kill me.

Allen

Yeah, Gary was a total health fanatic, a strict vegetarian. I used to play basketball with him every Sunday.

Frasier

Oh. Oh, so he was sedentary all week, then he was burning up the court on Sundays. Well, that can be very straining on the heart, you know...

Bobbie

No, he played at least four times a week. That is, when he wasn't at the gym working out.

Gail

Gary was in phenomenal shape.

Bobbie

He didn't smoke, never touched caffeine...

Allen

Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?

Frasier

My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead? [this does not go down well] I'm sure they did check, those people are very thorough. Oh my, is that Krugle? Excuse me.

Frasier

I'm Dr Frasier Crane, I was a friend of your husband's.

Newman

Dr. Crane? From...?

Frasier

Yes, the radio.

Newman

Gary never mentioned you.

Frasier

Well, we weren't actually friends. He had an office in my brother's building.

Newman

And you took the time to come down here. His own partner didn't even stay fifteen minutes. That's really sweet of you.

Frasier

Well, actually I... there's a reason I came to talk with you.

Newman

Which is?

Frasier

It's about Gary. About how he, er...

Newman

Yes?

Frasier

Look, I'm sorry I've bothered you. Ah, I really just came to offer my sympathies.

Newman

Oh no, wait. Um, Dr. Crane? I listen to you all the time, and uh — well, maybe you can help me? What would you tell someone who called into the show and said they can't get over why someone died? I keep running this over and over in my mind and... I just can't understand how someone like Gary, who did everything right, can just die. I can't make any sense of it.

Frasier

Mrs. Newman, I... I know you'd like me to come up with some grand answer to this whole thing. But I, I don't have one. There are none. Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers all his life can live to be eighty-three, and someone who takes care of himself can die at forty-one. It's unfair. Believe me, there's no explanation for it. Believe me, I've checked. But, I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.

Newman

You're not Jewish, are you?

Frasier

No. No I'm not. Well, thank you for letting me be here today.

Newman

Oh, thank you for coming, Dr. Crane.

Bobbie

Oh, Dr. Crane? It was very nice what you said about living life for the little joys and surprises it can give us.

Frasier

Yes.

Bobbie

Thank you.

Frasier

[quietly, to himself] If only I believed it myself.

Woman

Excuse me? Um, this is clearly the most inappropriate thing I've ever done in my life, but... I was watching you, and um, I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to see you again, and something about you tells me that I'd like to. Here. [gives him her card] If you'd like to get together sometime, give me a call. [moves off]