Miracle On 3rd Or 4th Street
Aired 16th December 1993 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
[on air] Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you The very, very best of holidays. Like many of you, I'll be spending the time in the loving embrace of my family - which should give us all plenty to talk about in the new year. Meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio.
Roz
Come on, Frasier. There's a gin-and-tonic out there with my name on it.
Bulldog
You can tell Father Mike's had a few. He's trying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene.
Roz
[to Bulldog, as she exits] Well, we know who we could get to be the ass.
Bulldog
[gives a dog growl, then to Frasier] I'm wearing her down.
Bulldog
Who's that for?
Frasier
It's for Roz.
Bulldog
[reading the box] "Amazing trick microphone, squirts water." Nice.
Frasier
It's a gag. We agreed not to exchange gifts.
Bulldog
Listen doc. I'm scheduled to do the noon-to-four on Christmas.
Frasier
No.
Bulldog
But doc, my whole family's getting together in Chicago for the first time in five years.
Frasier
I am touched, and I don't care.
Bulldog
But my-my-my sister and her new baby...
Frasier
Listen Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon to spend the holidays with me. Now, I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was... well, your size.
Dave
DID YOU TELL HIM YET, BULLDOG?
Bulldog
Okay, you don't have to yell. You're not in the chopper giving us a traffic report.
Dave
I WAS YELLING?
Bulldog
[gives up] Hey, doc. You know, ah, Bonnie Weems, right?
Frasier
Well, ah, I don't actually know her, but she does the auto show, right?
Dave
RIGHT. Bonnie tends to drink a little more than she should at these parties, so the newest on-air personality always drives her home!
Bulldog
That's you, rookie.
Frasier
Well, that sounds like a good tradition, I'd be delighted to drive her home.
Bulldog
And she'll be delighted to hear that.
Elizabeth
Merry Christmas, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Oh, Merry Christmas, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth
I baked you some sugar cookies. [hands over box]
Frasier
Oh, how sweet of you. Sweets from the sweet.
Elizabeth
Would you by any chance know who's driving Bonnie Weems home tonight?
Frasier
Yes, I am. And maybe you can tell me why everyone...
Elizabeth
[to crowd] Hey, everybody! It's the doc!
Frasier
Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics whenever I say I'm driving Bonnie Weems home... [Roz bursts out laughing] Oh, what is that?!
Roz
Well, Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend. She gets a couple of drinks under her belt, and she gets a little amorous. And she will not take "No" for an answer.
Frasier
Is that all? Oh, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.
Roz
Okay.
Frasier
[picking up present] Now, listen Roz, Roz, now I know we promised not to, but I couldn't help it. I was out shopping, and...
Roz
[really excited] Oh, no! Don't worry, Frasier, I couldn't help myself either.
Frasier
Oh no, really?
Roz
Yes. [hands over gift] Merry Christmas!
Frasier
Oh Roz, you shouldn't have. This is just...
Frasier
[worried] Oh, Roz. Roz, you really shouldn't have.
Roz
Now it's my turn. [starts opening her gift]
Frasier
Oh, no-no-no. Maybe, you know, maybe you should just think about, ah... keeping it under the tree.
Roz
Oh, me wait to open a Christmas present?
Frasier
Yeah.
Roz
[opens box, but manages to fake enthusiasm for the gag gift] Oh my god! It's great! It's great because I'm in radio!
Frasier
Ah, that's what I was going for, yes.
Roz
Well, thanks a million, Frasier. [kisses him] Have a happy, happy holiday and I'll see you next week.
Frasier
Okay. Merry Christmas.
Roz
Merry Christmas.
Bonnie
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes?
Bonnie
I'm Bonnie Weems.
Frasier
Well, hello. It's a, uh, a pleasure to meet you. I'll be driving you home tonight.
Bonnie
I'm sorry to put you out.
Frasier
Oh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you just go, enjoy the party, you let me know when you're ready to go.
Bonnie
[downs her shot in one] I'm ready now, baby.
Niles
[nervously] Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hello Niles. Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion?
Niles
Oh, nothing. Just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift I was considering for Maris.
Daphne
Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge. [does a little twirl] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
[glaring at Niles] Daphne.
Daphne
[to Niles] Shall I put the little red one back on so you can Make your choice?
Frasier
I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you.
Daphne
Fair enough.
Niles
You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size!
Frasier
Give or take a foot.
Martin
Hey, Frasier. Where've you been?
Frasier
Well, after the Christmas party I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime, then went on to do a little bit of last minute shopping. Niles, some sherry?
Niles
Ah, thank you.
Frasier
You know, Santa is going to be very, very good to Frederick This year.
Martin
Oh, by the way, Bulldog called a couple of times. He wanted to know if you'd take his slot on Christmas day.
Frasier
I already told him no. How long will that man nag me? [Martin heads towards the door with a cheap, plastic wreath] Dad, what are you doing with that?
Martin
I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I always do.
Frasier
But it's plastic.
Martin
[hanging it] Well, of course it's plastic. Do you think a real one would've lasted since 1967?
Daphne
Here you go. Ooh, I'm glad to be out of that black one— I had to take me undies off just to get the zipper up.
Daphne
Oh, dear! Let me get that.
Martin
Hello. Oh, hi. [to Frasier] Frasier, it's for you. It's the nag.
Frasier
Oh, lord. [on phone] Now, listen Bulldog, I already told you... Oh. Hello, Lilith. Well, you know, maybe, ah, I should take this in the bedroom. [exits]
Martin
Niles? Everything's all set for tomorrow, right?
Niles
Yes, yes. Maris and I are driving up to the cabin tonight. We'll expect you, Frasier and Frederick tomorrow around noon.
Daphne
Oh, I wish I was coming with you.
Niles
So do I.
Martin
[passing the phone, hearing Frasier and Lilith arguing] Oh, Shut the hell up, will you? [puts phone back on hook]
Niles
Daphne. Daphne, you should come. We have the most wonderful traditional Christmas, it's an actual log cabin. With actual deer grazing in the snow on our front yard. Of course, Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time to scare them away from our garbage, but still, it's enchanting.
Martin
Yeah. You sure you can't come, Daph?
Daphne
No, I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him.
Martin
Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.
Daphne
Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.
Frasier
Well, Merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick!
Martin
What? Why not?
Frasier
Well, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria.
Martin
What's the matter with the good old U.S.A.?
Frasier
Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed "The Sound Of Music" in, and that happens to be Freddie's favorite movie. Well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon trip through the Alps, and apparently on their way back they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland!
Niles
...Well, up at the cabin, there's an old stump that the local children seem to enjoy kicking.
Martin
You know you have to let him go, don't you?
Frasier
Well, of course I have to let him go. Thank you for pointing out that you know what's right.
Martin
Hey! I was just making sure that you did, that's all.
Frasier
Oh, how would I ever live without you?
Daphne
Now now, boys, that's enough. Dr. Crane, you're being a good father, letting Frederick go.
Niles
That's right. It doesn't have to ruin your Christmas.
Martin
Yeah, come on. Let's finish decorating the Christmas tree. I brought up the good lights from the storage room.
Frasier
Oh, dad, you know what, I don't want to use those lights this year. I picked up these just yesterday. [brings out a box of lights]
Martin
Chili peppers?
Frasier
Well, yes, they're very fashionable.
Martin
Chili peppers aren't Christmas.
Frasier
Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines or snow ornaments. For God's sakes, if you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in the desert.
Martin
Fine. Why don't we decorate a palm tree?
Frasier
I don't need your sarcasm.
Martin
But I always use those lights.
Frasier
Dad, dad. This is my house, these are my decorations, just once, could I have just one thing I wanted this Christmas?
Martin
Hey, look. Wait a minute. I know you're upset about Freddie, but don't take it out on me.
Frasier
Oh fine. Now you're the psychiatrist?
Martin
Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chili peppers!
Frasier
All right, I won't anymore!
Martin
Use 'em! Why don't... maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top!
Niles
I hope you two aren't going to be behaving this way up at the cabin?
Frasier
Oh, we won't! Because I'm not going to the cabin!
Martin
What do you mean, you're not going to the cabin? Where the hell are you going?
Frasier
I'm staying right here.
Martin
Well, you can't stay alone on Christmas. [by this time, Eddie Has his head under a cushion]
Frasier
I've decided to fill in for Bulldog! At least somebody will have a Merry Christmas!
Martin
[mad] Well, Merry Christmas!
Frasier
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Martin
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Frasier
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Frasier
Oh, Roz... I didn't realize when I volunteered to work on Christmas that I would ruin your plans for the day, I... please don't be mad. [they enter the booth]
Roz
Mad? What for? My mother just flew all the way in from Wisconsin to be here with me today. But instead I'm back in this stinking hellhole on Christmas Day, when only the loneliest and most depressed people on the planet would EVER call in. But, look how nice you made yourself look for me!
Frasier
Roz, try to see this thing from my position. I, I couldn't see my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, I was facing a horrible Christmas, and then I thought, you know, maybe if by trying to help other people through their troubles it might get me through mine, and I think if we really try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had. What do you say?
Roz
Okay. I'm not mad. Get ready.
Frasier
Oh, I need a hug, just to prove that we're still friends.
Roz
Frasier, I am not hugging you.
Frasier
Come on.
Roz
No, you're grungy.
Frasier
Come to papa.
Roz
All right! [hugs] We're friends. Now get ready, we're on.
Frasier
[on air] Merry Christmas, Seattle! Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. Christmas, that very magical time of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated.
Roz
I'm sorry Frasier, the news went over you. You're gonna have to do that again.
Frasier
Merry Christmas, Seattle...!
Frasier
Well, as we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit. Although, Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you, and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen. Roz, who's next?
Roz
We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about the time he was filled with the Christmas spirit.
Frasier
It's about time! Hello, Don.
Don
[v.o.] Hello, Dr. Crane. Something happened the other day that sums up why we call this the season of giving.
Frasier
Well then, swaddle me in Christmas cheer.
Don
Okay. Well, you see, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenly realized I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on the roof of the car. So, I look back and there's this homeless guy, and he'd already picked them up, and he's putting 'em on. So I just thought, what the hell, and kept on driving.
Frasier
So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well Roz, this is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line!
Barry
[v.o.] I'm sorry. That was the last time. I'm okay now, I'm okay. [bursts into tears again] No, I'm not!
Frasier
Barry, I've got to put you on hold for a bit, while you pull yourself together, but please, please stay on the line, I'd really like to help you.
Barry
It's alright, I think I've got a hold of myself... [starts crying again]
Gladys
[v.o.] So you see, Dr. Crane, I've fallen in the shower so many times, they can't fit any more pins in my hip.
Frasier
Gladys, Gladys? Ah, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? There's somebody else I have to check on. [switches lines] How's it going there, Barry?
Frasier
My sentiments exactly.
Tom
[v.o.] It still traumatizes me, Dr. Crane. I wake up nights, and I remember that Christmas morning. I walked into my mother's bedroom, tears running down my face, and I said, "Mommy... the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."
Frasier
Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays.
Frasier
Roz? Roz! Oh, have you been crying, Roz?
Roz
[weeping] Just for the last hour.
Frasier
Ooh... oh, listen, why don't you just go home, honey? I can take over for the next two hours.
Roz
But you can't do this on your own.
Frasier
Oh, sure I can! Why don't you go home, be with your mom?
Roz
Wouldn't it be even be sadder? With you here all by yourself?
Frasier
I don't think that's possible.
Roz
Well, if you really mean it, I'll go.
Frasier
I mean it.
Roz
But Frasier, promise me one thing? Don't sit here and get more depressed. You'll see your little boy again soon.
Frasier
I know I will.
Roz
Okay. Hug-hug-hug? [they hug] Merry... [bursts into tears again] Christmas!
Frasier
[on-air] Hi, we're back. Well, you know what? I, I realize it's been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and uh, I'd like to hear now from someone who's having a GOOD Christmas. Um, you know, someone who's learned a way to beat the holiday blues. Well, let's take our first call here. [presses button] Hello, you're on the air.
Jeff
[v.o.] This is Jeff.
Frasier
Hello, Jeff! Well, Merry Christmas!
Jeff
Well, Merry Christmas to you. I used to get depressed on Christmas. And then I found a surefire way to beat it: I'd pop my favorite movie, "The Sound Of Music" in the VCR. Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykes through the streets of Salzburg... Nobody could be depressed! I mean, nobody!
Frasier
Jeff, are you a betting man?
Frasier
Well, we're just about out of time. My, my, this day has flown by. I'd like to wish all of you revelers out there a Merry Christmas, and for the rest of you, why don't you go out and treat yourself to something special? Personally, I'm going to go get myself a meal at one of Seattle's fine eateries. I don't know where, but I promise you one thing: it'll have a liquor license. Just kidding. Don't drink and drive. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio.
Waitress
[mechanically] Merry Christmas. Welcome to Lou's.
Frasier
Thank you. I'm sure glad you're open, all the other places in town are either closed or are all booked up.
Waitress
That's what makes us so special. I can bring you a menu, but almost everybody's having the Christmas platter. That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes, then yule log for dessert.
Frasier
How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log." [she stares at him] I'll just have the Christmas platter.
Waitress
[she yells] PLATTER!
Tim
How you doin'?
Frasier
Okay.
Tim
Are you havin' a merry Christmas?
Frasier
Well, now that you ask, no I'm not. Can't be with my son, had a terrible argument over something stupid with my father. That's why I'm alone. How about you?
Tim
Pretty good, actually. Just yesterday, I was crossing the street, and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off the back of the car, and landed on my feet! [holds them up]
Frasier
Merry Christmas.
Waitress
[bringing him his platter] Here you go.
Frasier
Well, the chef didn't exactly dally over the Remoulade, did he?
Bill
Hey, Tim. Merry Christmas.
Tim
Hey Bill, same to you. Glad you could make it.
Bill
Well, I wouldn't miss this. Hey, how's that turkey platter? Good as last year's?
Frasier
I'm not sure this isn't last year's. Listen, I'm done here, why don't you go ahead and take this seat?
Bill
Jeez, thanks pal.
Frasier
You bet.
Frasier
Ah, excuse me miss, something rather embarrassing has just happened. I seem to have lost my wallet.
Waitress
You mean you can't pay!
Frasier
Oh no, I can pay, I can pay, I must have just left it at the office.
Waitress
Uh-huh.
Frasier
Well, I can just go back there and get it.
Waitress
Mmm.
Tim
Hey, Lou. It's all right. This one's on me.
Frasier
Oh, no-no-no. You don't understand. You see, I...
Tim
It's okay, buddy, we've all been there.
Frasier
Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet.
Tim
I know you did, and Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio. Here Bill, help me out. [starts a whip round]
Frasier
Oh no, you don't...
Tim
Hey, everybody! People. Come on, let's help the poor man get a nice Christmas dinner. Even pennies. It doesn't matter.
Frasier
Please, please, you don't understand. I make a very decent living. I really do. This is not necessary.
Frasier
Well, I must say I've never been so touched in my life. To think that you people would give up your money, which you can ill afford, to help out a fellow human being. I'm just so embarrassed.
Tim
Don't be embarrassed. Look at it this way: the rest of the year belongs to the rich people, with their fancy houses, [points to Frasier's BMW] expensive foreign cars, but Christmas? Christmas belongs to guys like us.
Frasier
Right. Well, I never will forget this Christmas. Thank you. Thank you all.
Waitress
[picking up something from the floor] Hey. Somebody lose a set of car keys?
Tim
Hey. We're not buying you dessert.
Frasier
No. No, you see, I forgot... I forgot, ah...
Frasier
To wish you a Merry Christmas!
All
Merry Christmas.
Tim
Hey, bud. Since you're here, [gives Frasier a quarter] go call your old man.
Frasier
Thank you. I think I will.