Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast
Aired 6th January 1994 · Written by Molly Newman · Directed by Andy Ackerman
Frasier
...and though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz
We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.
Frasier
Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan
Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
How old are you?
Ethan
I'm thirteen.
Frasier
Ah well, what can I do for you?
Ethan
Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier
Why do you think that's so?
Ethan
Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier
Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I... I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan
...That's it?
Frasier
[surprised] Yes.
Ethan
Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier
Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan
Home.
Frasier
Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever.
Frasier
[maliciously] Thank you for your call! [disconnects Ethan] Well, that's about it for today. This is Frasier Crane, KACL Talk Radio, 780 AM.
Frasier
Well Roz, I thought that was a pretty good show, didn't you?
Roz
[touching up her makeup] Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.
Frasier
You seem a bit distracted there, Roz. You got another one of your hot dates?
Roz
If you must know, yes.
Noel
Pick you up outside in five minutes?
Roz
Great. Thanks, Noel.
Frasier
Noel? Noel Shempsky from Sales, that's who your date's with?
Roz
Well, it's not a date. We're just going out for a drink, okay?
Frasier
Noel the Mole?
Roz
I know, he's not great-looking. I know he drives a '73 Dodge Polaris. But he's always struck me as a really interesting guy.
Frasier
Mm-hmm...
Roz
Look, the world is loaded with superficial guys. You know, I just want to go out with someone who has a good heart. He's smart. He's substantial - and you know, considering my track record lately I would hope you'd support me. Is that asking too much?
Frasier
Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle?
Roz
Why do I tell you anything?
Niles
Knock, knock. Can I be of any assistance?
Daphne
Oh, no thank you, Dr. Crane, I think I have everything under control.
Niles
Do you mind if I linger then? I've always been sort of a kitchen person.
Daphne
Suit yourself. I like the company.
Niles
How's dad's therapy going?
Daphne
Well, we're getting more mobility in his hip, and his flexibility's improving, but it's always a chore to get him to do his exercises. Of course, I've found the secret is if I bribe him with sweets...
Daphne
Oh my goodness!
Daphne
Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane, can you get up?
Niles
No. No, I think I'd better stay here for a few minutes.
Frasier
Dear God, I thought I heard...! Niles, what are you doing? [drags Niles to his feet]
Daphne
I'm afraid he conked his head, on the hood there.
Frasier
[to Niles] You are shameless!
Niles
Frasier, I have a very sore head and a crackerjack lawyer, so don't crowd me.
Daphne
Here. [gives Niles a wet cloth] Put this on it.
Niles
Oh, thank you, Daphne. You've been wonderful in this time of crisis.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Camille!
Frasier
I need to talk to you. Here, have a seat, right here. Now listen Niles, I'm having a young lady over on Friday night, I was hoping you could take Dad out for me.
Niles
Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
Frasier
Why, you have plans Friday?
Niles
No, I have plans Saturday.
Frasier
Niles, just tell me that you'll do this for me?
Niles
Oh, all right.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
So... does this mean you're hoping to get lucky Friday night?
Frasier
Oh Niles, please. Nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.
Niles
I do.
Martin
Hello, boys.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Frasier
Hi, Dad. [motions to Niles to do his party piece]
Niles
Dad? I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and me Friday night. We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened on Bellevue Way. I understand if the onion rings aren't as big as your head you get them for free.
Martin
Well thanks, Niles, but I thought I'd spend a quiet evening at home.
Niles
Oh, well then... [Frasier pushes him] Better yet, why don't you come to our house? We'll make dinner, and we'll even rent an Angie Dickinson film.
Frasier
Ooh!
Martin
All right, what's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because he has a date or something?
Niles
I'm sorry, Frasier, he sees things that others don't.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should have asked you myself.
Martin
Oh, that's all right. [sitting in his chair] Yeah, I'll clear out. But just remember, one hand washes the other around here.
Frasier
What does that mean?
Martin
Well, as long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night, you can clear out for me Thursday night. I've got a date with Elaine Morris from 14-12.
Frasier
Oh! Well, well. How long has this been going on?
Martin
Oh, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times. Just thought I'd like to have her over here for dinner. [without looking back] Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face. [Niles looks offended] What do you say, Frasier?
Frasier
Well, sure Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's a lull in the conversation, we've got all kind of board games back here in the closet, we got playing cards - does she like to play Canasta?
Niles
Oh! - and PBS is running a wonderful documentary on the swing bands of the 30's and 40's.
Frasier
Ooh, wow...
Martin
Well, thanks a lot for all your help, boys, but I think we'll just split a bowl of creamed corn, rub a little liniment into each other's joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch!
Frasier
Morning, Daphne.
Daphne
Good morning, Dr. Crane. I want to thank you again for the show last night. I've never been to experimental theatre before.
Frasier
Don't mention it. It was my pleasure.
Daphne
Well, I think I understood most of it. Only what did it mean when the naked man came in, carrying a suitcase?
Frasier
[after a pause] I think it meant that he's packed too much.
Daphne
Well, I'm sure your father appreciated having us out of the house.
Frasier
What is that heavenly aroma?
Daphne
I decided to prepare us a traditional English breakfast. We have eggs, bangers - or as you call them, sausages— and to finish it off...
Daphne
A batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns!
Frasier
[smelling] Oh my, that's it!
Daphne
Grammy made these every Sunday. 'Course, she added a pint of rum to the recipe. And nobody liked these more than Grammy herself. Many's the Sunday I'd head over to her house after church, only to find her out in the garden in her wedding dress, facedown in the birdbath.
Martin
Morning.
Frasier
Morning, dad. So... How was your date last night, huh? Ha, boy, feels strange, you know? A son asking his father how his date was last night...
Frasier
When he could ask the date herself!
Martin
Elaine, this is Daphne Moon, my son Frasier Crane, Elaine Morris. [they all shake hands]
Frasier
So... so, it's a pleasure to meet you, Elaine. It's ah... I know that dad's wanted to have you for a long time - I mean, for dinner!
Elaine
Yes. Well, I certainly enjoyed it. But you know, Martin, I... I really should be going.
Martin
Oh no, no. You should at least stay for breakfast, shouldn't she, Fras?
Frasier
Oh yes, absolutely.
Elaine
Well, I guess I could stay for coffee.
Frasier
Splendid, splendid, splendid. So uh — so uh... what did you two kids do last night? Did you ah, play some games? Well, I mean, board games! Not that you were bored - or excited... well, not that I'd know anything - or should! But ah... warm buns, Elaine? No, no, not yours! I mean ours, ours! [picks up Daphne's sticky buns] To eat, you see. Have one, I'll have one! Warm!
Martin
Why don't we go sit at the table?
Elaine
Okay... [she goes out]
Martin
[as he follows her, to Frasier] What the hell's wrong with you?
Frasier
I don't know!
Elaine
Well, uh... Frasier, you know, I really love your radio show. My friends and I listen to it almost every day.
Frasier
Thank you. That's always lovely to hear.
Martin
Elaine's a buyer at Beaumarchais.
Frasier
Oh really, really? I do-do a great deal of shopping there. As a matter of fact, I bought the comforter on dad's bed there, and, well, I supposed you noticed that... maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on, or... I mean, I don't know how you like it... I mean, how you... light it! How you like to light it!
Frasier
Oh, banger, dad?
Elaine
[making for the door] You know, I really should be going, I've got to get ready for work, it was nice meeting you Daphne, and uh, Frasier. Thanks for a lovely evening, Martin.
Martin
I'll call you later.
Elaine
Yeah.
Frasier
[to Daphne] You couldn't have served bacon?
Daphne
Me?! The way you were carrying on, I think we can be thankful I didn't make Toad in the Hole! [exits to kitchen]
Martin
Well, you handled that smoothly, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
I'm sorry, dad. It just, really caught me off guard.
Martin
Ah, that's ok. I really ought to apologize. I should have warned you, but... I really didn't think it was going to happen. [smiles] I'm pretty glad it did!
Frasier
So, you like Elaine?
Martin
I like Elaine.
Frasier
So, dad...
Martin
Yeah, yeah...
Frasier
You're back on the beat!
Martin
All right.
Frasier
Lock up your daughters!
Martin
Okay, okay.
Frasier
Oh, come on, you old...
Martin
Frasier, don't push it!
Roz
One line one we have Marianne, she's concerned about her daughter.
Frasier
[on air] Hello Marianne, I'm listening.
Marianne
Kids - you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb.
Frasier
Well, as we try to forget the image that that summons up, how can I help you, Marianne?
Marianne
Well, two days ago, Judy, my twenty-two year old, arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty looks all week. Am I completely out of line here?
Frasier
Not at all. I, I think that in your own house you make up the rules.
Marianne
Thank you.
Frasier
But... are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult. You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex. You know, let me use myself as an example. As many of you know, my sixty-three year old father recently moved in with me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered he had spent the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine. The entire episode completely unnerved me. Why? Because I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he was always old plain old Dad. Well, that's absurd. My father is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed of the hereditary Crane good looks, and what I suppose I'm driving at is, that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we embrace that, don't you, Marianne?
Maryanne
Sorry, Dr. Crane, I gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest room. [hangs up]
Frasier
Well, as Marianne rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water, we will pause for these messages. [off air]
Roz
Hey Frasier, that was a really good show.
Frasier
Oh, thank you. I thought so too.
Noel
Hi, Dr Crane. [lovelorn] Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hi, Noel.
Noel
I had a great time last night.
Roz
Me, too.
Noel
I made you this spice rack. [hands it over] I especially treated The back for easy wall adhesion.
Roz
[who has already found that out] That was very thoughtful of you, Noel.
Noel
Well um, I gotta run. I'll call you later. [gives the Vulcan peace salute] Live long and prosper.
Frasier
Ooh look, there's a place for cumin, most people overlook that.
Roz
Just kill me.
Martin
I don't understand it. Why would he say something like that on the radio?
Daphne
Did you know, when you get angry your ears turn red? [Martin glares at her] See? There they go.
Frasier
Evening, everyone.
Daphne
I'll be going to my room right now. [leaves, hurriedly]
Frasier
Hello, Eddie. [Eddie chases after Daphne] Well, I seem to have cleared the room.
Martin
I want to talk to you, mister.
Frasier
Oh, sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed.
Martin
Don't tempt me. Where the hell do you get off talking about my personal life on your radio program?
Frasier
Are you discussing what I said about you and Elaine?
Martin
You're damned right I am. I've never been so embarrassed in my Life.
Frasier
But dad, everything I said was flattering.
Martin
Oh, yeah. Telling all of Seattle about your old dad shacking up with the neighbor lady.
Frasier
Oh, come on you old swordsman, I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
Martin
Knock it off, Frasier. Thanks to you Elaine won't even talk to me anymore.
Frasier
What for? Just because of a harmless remark I made on the radio?
Martin
Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you, and the person you're doing it to!
Frasier
Well, don't you think she's overreacting?
Martin
Put yourself in her place. She takes a chance and spends the night with me. Next thing she knows, it's being broadcast all over Seattle. I mean, her friends heard it and called her. She's so embarrassed she's never been out of the house all day, she won't even answer the phone now.
Frasier
I'm sorry, dad.
Martin
Your sympathy touches me!
Frasier
Well look, look. I caused a problem here, and I will take care of it.
Martin
Yeah? Well, I'll be in my room, holding my breath.
Frasier
I said I'd take care of it!
Al
[on air; tired, listless monotone] I hate my voice. I mean, I know no-one likes the sound of their own voice, especially when they hear it on tape. Because it doesn't sound as good as it does in their own head. But I hate my voice in my head too.
Al
And you can't get away from your own voice either, you know. I've tried not listening to myself when I talk. But I find myself kinda saying things that don't make a lot of sense...
Al
I hate my voice so much, I had to call a neighbor in to do the message on my answering machine. I don't like his voice very much either, but it's better than mine...
Al
Not that I get a lot of calls...
Al
Well, you go figure. Any advice, Dr Crane?
Frasier
Yes, yes uh, just go on with what you're doing, and everything should turn out all right. Thank you for your call. [line off] Now, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine - you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door, so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never do that again - well, except for this time, then I promise I'll never do it again. You see, the saddest thing is, Elaine, that uh, that dad is paying for my mistake.
Frasier
Elaine... Martin cares for you. And he misses you very much. More than anything in the world, he'd like to be back together with you. And if you feel for him the way he feels for you, I hope you'll find it in your heart to come to my place tonight, at eight o' clock, for dinner. A very romantic dinner. Thanks, Elaine. This is KACL 780 AM, talk radio. And I'm Frasier Crane... the Love Doctor.
Frasier
Ah. Well, the champagne's chilled, a platter of hors d'oeuvres, how are things in the kitchen?
Daphne
The roast is out of the oven. It looks beautiful.
Frasier
God, I hope this works, Daphne.
Daphne
Well, I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier
You're kidding. You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne
Well, I'm giving it a try. You know, "Elaine in 14-10, come to dinner, come to dinner".
Frasier
That's very charming, Daphne, but Elaine's in 14-12.
Daphne
Oh dear. I guess I'd better set an extra place at the table, then.
Martin
Ah look, it's eight o' clock and I'm still a pumpkin.
Frasier
Dad, it is two minutes to eight, and why don't you just sit down and relax?
Martin
Oh, this is stupid. She probably didn't even hear your show. [then] Does this tie go with the jacket?
Daphne
You look smashing.
Martin
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? She's not going to show up. I don't know why I even- [the doorbell chimes]
Frasier
May I suggest we just skip the first course, which is crow, and move directly to the hors d'oeuvres?
Martin
Just shut up and answer the door.
Frasier
All right.
Marjorie
Excuse me, is this the Crane residence?
Frasier
Yes it is.
Marjorie
Well, we've been waiting here for the last fifteen minutes. Did Elaine show up, or did we miss her?
Frasier
Who are all you people?
Woman
We heard your show today.
Marjorie
Oh, it was so romantic, we all have our fingers crossed.
Frasier
Yes, very kind.
Marjorie
I'm Marjorie, from down on eleven...
Frasier
Hello, Marjorie.
Marjorie
And this is Norman...
Frasier
Hello, Norman. It's a pleasure.
Marjorie
And the rest of these people I don't know.
Frasier
Nice to see you all. [sees the doorman] Tony? Tony, what are you doing here? For God's sakes, shouldn't you be watching the door?
Tony
Oh, don't worry, we're all locked in. I have GOT to find out how this ends, Doc.
Martin
[coming to door] What's going on out here?
Marjorie
Is that him?
Frasier
People, people, please. Don't you have lives of your own? For God's sake, beat it, scoot, scat..
Martin
What's happening?
Frasier
This is a private situation here...
Frasier
Please, please, come out here.
Elaine
No, I'm going home.
Frasier
All right then, dad, dad you come in here. [hustles Martin into the lift] All right everybody, back off, just back off! Just give us some time, please!
Elaine
Oh, I knew I should never have come up here, nothing's changed.
Frasier
Elaine, please let me try to explain.
Martin
You've done enough.
Frasier
Oh dad, please, what do you happen to know...
Martin
Frasier, over there! [points to corner]
Frasier
Dad!
Martin
Turn around!
Martin
Look Elaine, I'm sorry about what happened. You've got every right to be mad. But I thought what we had was pretty good, and thanks to Radio Boy here, I think most of Seattle agrees with me. I'd sure hate to lose it, just because of one stupid thing. Come on, Elaine. I had a great time on our date the other night. You gonna tell me you don't feel the same way? You may not remember... but I have warm toes.
Martin
Anyway, it's your choice, but I sure wish you'd come and have dinner with me.
Elaine
Who said you could turn around?
Marjorie
Look, it's coming back up!
Martin
[as he and Elaine enter apartment] All right, everyone. You've had your fun. Show's over. Nothing more to see. Go back to your homes.
Frasier
Yes, please folks. Honor what the man says. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for your concern. Let's expedite this departure please, if you would. [the crowd leaves] Thank you so much. Goodbye. [Daphne joins him]
Daphne
Well, I suppose we should give them their privacy.
Frasier
Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. It's ironic, isn't it? My sixty-three year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night.
Daphne
You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses.
Frasier
Yes Daphne, I think it is.
Daphne
All right. You go claim the washing machines, I'll go get the laundry.