Can't Buy Me Love
Aired 20th January 1994 · Written by Chuck Ranberg & Anne Flett-Giordano · Directed by James Burrows
Bulldog
[on-air] ...4 for 17 on Sunday, he calls himself a quarterback? I've passed kidney stones with more accuracy!
Frasier
[to Roz, who's just passing by] Roz, Roz. Listen, could you go in there and get my briefcase for me? I was just on my way out but I left it in the studio.
Roz
Why don't you go get it?
Frasier
Well, because every time I go in there, he puts me on the air and humiliates me.
Roz
Well, what do you think he does to me? Last week when I went in to get my car keys he introduced me as Martina Navratilova's girlfriend. [leaves]
Bulldog
[ringing a cowbell] Well Chuck, I'm really sorry I offended you. Now why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes?
Bulldog
The lines are open. And how about some real men calling instead of crybabies like Chuck?
Bulldog
Well... look who's just crawled into the doghouse, it's Dr. Frasier Crane! And you know what we always do when we get a house call from the doctor. [puts tape in machine]
Tape
[Italian] Dropp-a your pants and bend over, I take-a your temperature.
Frasier
Hello, Bulldog.
Bulldog
[holding up briefcase] So, doc? Who's your pick for the Giants- Saints game this weekend?
Frasier
[wearily] The Giants.
Bulldog
You're kidding!
Frasier
The Saints?
Bulldog
You're kidding!
Frasier
Somebody has to win.
Bulldog
Yeah. They would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend!
Frasier
Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee haw! Hee haw! [leaves]
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne. [indicating package] I brought this for dinner.
Martin
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Dad.
Martin
Kinda early.
Niles
Well, I just put Maris on the train to Chicago. And you know how desolate I am without my Maris.
Daphne
[opening package] Champagne?
Niles
Goes with all occasions. Can I be of any assistance in the kitchen?
Daphne
No, I have everything well in hand.
Niles
Ah, well... lucky everything.
Niles
[as Martin reaches for a piece] Uh-uh. [Martin reaches for another piece] Mmm-mmm.
Martin
All right, what would you do?
Niles
Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin
That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles
In that case, corn-nut to Rook 7.
Frasier
Hello all.
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane. Guess what your brother brought, champagne.
Frasier
Oh, Maris left for Chicago already?
Niles
She's riding the rails as we speak.
Daphne
If I may ask, why does she take the train?
Niles
She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne
Oh, dear. Did a plane almost crash?
Niles
No, no. She was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
Martin
Hey Frasier, I'm glad you're here, I've got a favour to ask you.
Frasier
What is it, dad?
Martin
Well, you know my old buddy from the force Joe Linski's running the benefit for the Widows and Orphans fund this year, and he's doing one of those bachelor auctions and he's out looking for local celebrities and I thought if we could get somebody really famous from the radio station...
Frasier
Dad, say no more. I'd be delighted to help.
Martin
Great. So you'll ask Bulldog tomorrow?
Frasier
...Bulldog.
Martin
Oh. Well, you know, don't get me wrong, I was going to ask you too.
Frasier
Mm-hmm?
Martin
Yeah I was, I was. I was just saving the best for last.
Frasier
A-ha.
Niles
Oh Frasier, give him a break. If he backpedals any faster, he'll trip over his walker.
Frasier
All right, I'll do it.
Martin
Oh, great! I really appreciate it... you won't forget to ask Bulldog, will ya?
Frasier
I'll leave a note on his hydrant.
Daphne
A bachelor auction. I've always thought it would be fun to pick a man off the block to do my bidding and fulfill my every desire. [then] Dr. Crane?
Niles
[from his private little world] I'd love to. [realises Daphne is offering him some champagne] I mean, ah... Frasier? I was just thinking, what if no-one bids? What if you're left standing there, with flop sweat trickling down your back, amidst a great, gaping silence.
Martin
It'll never happen, Niles.
Frasier
Thank you, dad.
Martin
Yeah, we got a band!
Announcer
[offstage, or rather, on stage, if you know what I mean] Our next bachelor on the block is public television's own cute and cuddly Mr. Science.
Frasier
My God! The estrogen levels are off the charts out there!
Bulldog
Yeah, isn't it great? I mean, deep down, chicks are just like guys. We all want the same thing.
Frasier
Well, I've got news for them: Frasier Crane does not put out. All they're getting for their little donation is a well- prepared gourmet meal and a handshake at the door.
Bulldog
BORING! My date gets a stretch limo, moon roof, dinner, floor seats at the Sonics game and these incredible buns of steel. [turns around] Feel 'em, doc. Come on, feel 'em!
Frasier
Thank you, no!
Announcer
Please, please. Keep articles of clothing off the stage!
Martin
Man, you show these women a little celebrity beefcake and they go nutso.
Frasier
I don't mind telling you dad, I'm a little bit nervous. This is a textbook case of mob mentality. I hope all the fire exits are clearly marked.
Martin
Ah, relax, relax, will ya?
Frasier
Right, that's easy for you to say. You're not the one jumping into the Rottweiler pit with a pork chop around your neck!
Martin
[spotting a celebrity] Hey Frasier, that's T.J. Smith, he's a linebacker for the Seahawks. They call him "The Enforcer," he's put two quarterbacks in hospital already this season. [goes over to T.J.] Hey, T.J.! Marty Crane, nice to meet ya.
Manager
Number 19?
T.J.
[to Martin] Please don't make me go out there.
Martin
Oh, you'll be fine. Don't worry, just go on out there and have a good time.
Martin
They're gonna have him for breakfast.
Bulldog
Hey, T.J. How was it, man?
T.J.
It was horrible. They're like sharks at a feeding frenzy. The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye.
Roz
Where do I pay?
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
I saw what I wanted and I went after it. [T.J. makes to back off] Stay!
Manager
Number 20? [this is Frasier]
Frasier
[nervously] That's me.
Martin
You know son, I haven't had a chance to tell you how much I appreciate this. You know, having somebody like you in the auction really adds class.
Frasier
My pleasure, dad.
Martin
Now, if the bidding gets slow, drop a quarter and take a couple of minutes to pick it up.
Announcer
Sold! To that very determined lady in the back row for five hundred dollars.
Bulldog
So Doc, who bought ya?
Frasier
I have no idea. Last thing I remember is someone shouting out, "Shake your money maker."
Manager
Number 21? [that's Bulldog]
Bulldog
Ladies! Start your engines! [exits]
Christina
Dr. Crane? Christina Harper. I just bought you.
Frasier
You? You? You... bought me.
Christina
I listen to your show all the time, I'm a big fan of yours.
Frasier
Well, how... wonderful. Ah, you bought me for, for five hundred dollars. That's a lot of money.
Christina
Oh, that's all right, I just did a big layout for "Seattle Style."
Frasier
Oh, are you a photographer?
Christina
No, I'm a model.
Frasier
A model! How wonderful. For you.
Christina
So um, how about Friday?
Frasier
Ah, Friday's fine. I live at the Elliot Bay Towers on the Counterbalance. Ah, around seven?
Christina
Sounds great. See you then.
Frasier
Bye.
Frasier
[happily] That's my new owner. She's a model.
Bulldog
No kidding, she almost put my eye out.
Frasier
So you're back awfully quick.
Bulldog
Hey-hey! I was one of the last guys out there! The money was running low, but! - there was still one rawhide chew toy out there for the Bulldog.
Bulldog
[leaves, saying to her as he slaps her behind] I gotta take a squirt. When I come back, we'll play fetch.
Frasier
Oh my God, Daphne. Why?
Daphne
Things were slowing down, so your father asked me to shill. I opened at a hundred dollars, who knew that would be the only bid?
Frasier
Christina. Buenas noches.
Christina
Hi, Frasier. Sorry I'm late, but I got a last minute call for a job.
Frasier
Oh, well that's all right, you're here now, and you look enchanting.
Christina
No, you don't understand. The job's tonight. But we could have dinner later.
Frasier
Oh, well I suppose that's all right.
Christina
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble?
Frasier
Oh, no-no-no-no-no.
Christina
[looking at room] You rented a restaurant trolley.
Frasier
No, no, I own it. Don't tell me that you don't have one?
Christina
There's just one more thing. Um, my friend Sandy got called in on the same job, and she was supposed to look after my daughter.
Frasier
Don't tell me you want me to babysit?
Christina
Look, I wouldn't do this, but I'm really in a jam. Look, Sandy'll take her as soon as we get back, and umm, that'll leave just the two of us.
Frasier
Christina, I'm not really sure if I can...
Frasier
I'll make a lot of points for this, won't I?
Christina
A ton.
Frasier
Bring the darling in.
Christina
Dr. Crane, this is my daughter Renata.
Frasier
Hello. [she says nothing]
Christina
She's shy at first. See you later.
Frasier
Well... come on in, have a seat. Can I get you, um, a soft drink? Goose liver pate? Renata, that's a pretty name. I suppose it has some poetic, romantic significance...
Renata
Can I use your phone?
Frasier
Now, Renata. We're going to be spending the evening together, let's try to make the best of it, shall we? I may surprise you, you know. I'm probably more "with it" than you think I am... the phone's right there.
Renata
No way! That is so fresh. No way. No way. No... way. Hold on, there's another call. [changes lines] He'll call you back. [switches back] No way...
Frasier
Who was that?
Renata
I don't know. [into phone] No way! Oh god, another call's coming in.
Frasier
[taking phone] Do you mind? I'll answer this one, thank you. Hello? [gives phone back] It's for you.
Renata
Hello? Hey, Tiffany.
Frasier
Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany?
Renata
That was Tiffany Schwartz. This is Tiffany Martinez.
Frasier
Celebrate the ethnic mosiac that is America, but nonetheless... [takes phone and hangs up]
Renata
What's your damage?
Frasier
Well, I'll tell you what my damage is, young lady. You've been Talking on the phone for an hour and a half. You haven't said a word to me except to ask for more Cheetos. [Eddie barks] They're coming, Eddie!
Renata
Excuse me. Like I'm supposed to be happy I'm here? Her Fabulousness dumps me with a total stranger who could be a total perv.
Frasier
Well, I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, but your mother was in a bind. And for the record, I am not a perv.
Renata
You don't get it. She is always doing stuff like this. She's a flake.
Frasier
Nonetheless, flake or not, you are in my charge. I think it's Time you had something that was a bit more nutritious. Now, how about some seafood crepes? Lobster Neuberg? [gives up] Corn dog dipped in curare?
Renata
You got any raw cookie dough?
Frasier
Even more lethal. Yes, just come on into the kitchen, we'll See what we've got.
Renata
You know, you wouldn't have gotten anywhere with this gourmet Meal routine. She eats like, nothing. She's a total diet freak. That's all she talks about, besides herself.
Frasier
You don't care much for your mother, do you?
Renata
Well, duh.
Frasier
You know, I have a son. I'd hate to think by the time he's your age, he thinks of me as some sort of, um...
Renata
Dweeb?
Frasier
Thank you.
Renata
Brace yourself.
Frasier
Oh well, look what we have here. [pulls a packet of cookie dough from the freezer] Will one tube suffice?
Frasier
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Frasier
Well now, Renata, you know, I am a psychiatrist. And um, if you're having problems with your mother I'd be glad to listen.
Renata
You mean you want me to tell you all my problems like those Gomers on your show? Like you care.
Frasier
I do care about the Gomers. I even care about you.
Renata
Don't make me hurl! [Frasier gives up and sits down] She keeps telling people I'm younger than I am.
Frasier
Why do you think she does that?
Renata
So they won't know how old she is. I've been nine for the past three years.
Frasier
Really?
Renata
That's nothing. Once, she promised to take me ice-skating for my birthday? On the way there she saw a tattoo parlor. So she just left me out on the sidewalk 'til she could get a stupid butterfly tattooed on her shoulder. It's like she forgot I was even out there.
Frasier
My God! How old were you?
Renata
That was the first time I was nine.
Frasier
What does your father say about all this?
Renata
Tony? He's on the road with Whitesnake all the time.
Frasier
Whitesnake? Is that a musical group or a pet?
Renata
It's his new wife.
Daphne
I must confess, I was a little apprehensive about going out with you tonight. But I'm actually having a jolly time. Unless of course it's the champagne getting to me. I have had quite a bit, haven't I? Oh, who cares? That's the beauty of being in a limo. Unless of course the driver's drinking. [into intercom] You're not drinking, are you? [to Bulldog] He's not drinking. Let's drink to the driver not drinking.
Bulldog
Man, you're really looped, this is great.
Daphne
Well, that's annoying, isn't it? Certainly is taking a long time getting out of this parking lot. Did I mention this was my first basketball game? Yes, of course I did, three or four times. I still can't get over those players. They are positively gigantic. Not that being tall is the only measure of a man... but it's a bloody good one. [bursts out laughing] Oh dear, I just insulted you, didn't I? Sorry. Oh well, you can take it, you're a tough little nut.
Daphne
Oh, dear. This is not good. Not good at all.
Bulldog
What, you don't like the champagne?
Daphne
No, I can see the bottom of me glass.
Bulldog
[refilling Daphne's glass] Well, bottoms up!
Daphne
Oh, you are a naughty boy. Now don't go getting any ideas. Oh, look who I'm saying this to. You don't have an idea in your head! [laughs] Did it again. I insulted you. Let's drink to that. Boom!
Daphne
Now that is downright rude. [lowers window and yells through a speaker-cone] Hey, you there! You in the Firebird! Yes, you! Stop that honking! Now, now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid!
Bulldog
Hey! Don't aggravate him, we're kinda pinned in here.
Daphne
Oh, posh! Civilization's not going to progress one iota unless someone points out when people's manners are remiss. [from outside we hear someone shouting, "Move it!"] OH, SHUT YOUR BLOODY CAKEHOLE!
Bulldog
Don't do that! [looks out] Great, now he's getting out of his car!
Daphne
Ooh, he's a tall one too.
Bulldog
Quick, roll up your window, lock the door.
Daphne
Don't be stupid, he's not going to hurt a woman.
Bulldog
Just roll it up, roll it up!
Daphne
Get your bloody claws off him! Let him go, you big ugly oaf!
Bulldog
SHUT UP!!!
Daphne
Oh. Well, we're moving. [through the speaker-cone, to Bulldog outside] Thank you, Pitbull! I had a lovely time!
Frasier
You know, this cookie dough is not that bad. Of course, I'm Sure later I'll be hurling. [the doorbell bing bongs] Ah, that must be Her Fabulousness. Want to take the rest home with you?
Renata
I'd better not. If I gain an ounce, she goes ballistic. She makes me weigh in every morning.
Frasier
You poor thing!
Renata
I'm used to it.
Christina
Hi, I'm back. [kisses Frasier] Renata, honey. [kisses her] Sandy's waiting downstairs in the car.
Frasier
Renata, I must say I had a rather enjoyable evening.
Renata
You don't get out much, do you? [leaves]
Frasier
You know, I think she likes me.
Christina
Well uh, thank you for helping me out. Now, roll out that trolley, I'm starving.
Frasier
You know, Christina, I don't think so. I think you ought to go home and spend the evening with your daughter.
Christina
But I thought we had a date?
Frasier
Well, you know, when we first met, I was, well, attracted by your remarkable beauty. But now that I know a bit more about you, well suddenly you don't look so good, sister.
Christina
Excuse me?
Frasier
A daughter is a privilege, not an inconvenience. You don't Leave her standing on some street corner while you're inside getting tattooed! Or keep her in some ageless Never-never Land where everyone is nine for ever and ever!
Christina
Renata told you I did that.
Frasier
Yes! She also told me about the morning weigh-in's. And the time you left her with the coat-check girl at the Palladium, so you could go dancing! I mean, what kind of excuse for a mother are you, anyway?
Christina
Well. Did it ever occur to you that she might be lying? 'Cause this is the first night I've been out in over a year. God knows John and Maryanne never take her.
Frasier
Who are they?
Christina
Her father and his new wife.
Frasier
Oh, who are Tony and Whitesnake?
Christina
Our two dogs. Do you know what I do most nights? I stay home. And I help her with her homework, or French lessons. Oh, except last Saturday, when I took her and her twelve friends to an ice-skating party.
Frasier
I don't suppose there's any chance that during that party you got your shoulder tattooed?
Christina
[lowers her coat and turns round] Do you see anything there?
Frasier
No. But then my eyes are tearing up. But why would she lie?
Christina
Because she's twelve, and she's mad at me. She wanted to stay home alone, and I wouldn't let her. I probably would have been better off if I had. God, some shrink you are!
Frasier
Please don't go, child development is not my thing. My specialty is adult relations.
Christina
Well, you won't be having any of those tonight.
Frasier
Christina, please don't go, I...
Christina
[getting into lift] Oh, and by the way - I only have one kidney. Guess who has the other?
Martin
Is the coast clear? What happened to the supermodel?
Frasier
She left.
Martin
Oh. Was kinda afraid I might walk in on an embarrassing moment.
Frasier
Should have been here half an hour ago.
Martin
Well, your date's left, what are you doing still sitting up?
Frasier
I was wondering if my sweet little boy's going to turn out to be a monster when he's twelve.
Martin
What the hell brought that up?
Frasier
Oh, it's a long story. Do you really want to hear it?
Martin
Well, it is getting late. Look, all kids are the same. They start out cute, then somewhere along the way they get into that obnoxious, know-it-all stage and you think they'll never grow out of it.
Frasier
But eventually they do?
Martin
I'm still hoping.
Frasier
Hello? Oh, Daphne. How was your evening? ...No way!