You Can't Tell A Crook By His Cover
Aired 27th January 1994 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by Andy Ackerman
Frasier
Okay, dad. Now, you've seen the executive offices, the advertising offices and the lunchroom. And we now finally come to the sanctum sanctorum: my studio. [points to his picture on the wall] You might recognize that handsome rogue over there.
Martin
Wow. Your head photographs even bigger than it is.
Frasier
Very droll. Get in. [opens door and enters recording studio] This is what we in the radio game call "The Booth." It is here That I sit, day after day, and dispense the advice that helps the emotionally distraught through their troubled lives.
Martin
[checking window] Do you suppose this stuff's bulletproof?
Frasier
Dad, you know, you could have gone home after lunch. I just brought you here because I thought you'd enjoy it. [Martin goes to press a button] NOW DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
Martin
What is it?
Frasier
I have no idea, Roz told me never to touch it! You see dad, the usual procedure begins with...
Martin
[into mike] Testing! Testing!
Frasier
Dad.
Martin
Testing.
Frasier
Dad, dad, look, let's just go into Roz's booth, okay? You can touch anything you want to in there.
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hello Roz.
Roz
Hi, Mr. Crane.
Martin
Hi.
Roz
What brings you here?
Frasier
Well, I'm just showing dad around, then he's gonna sit and listen to the show.
Martin
Yeah, it's kinda like payback for when Frasier and Niles were kids. I used to take them to the police station and show them where I worked.
Frasier
Yes, he made a big game of locking us in one of the cells and pretending to lose the key.
Martin
I was just joking with them, I knew they weren't scared.
Frasier
Well no, we weren't really scared, although after a while we did become quite hungry.
Roz
Hey Frasier, could you lend me ten bucks?
Frasier
Did you leave your wallet home, or something?
Roz
No, I gave the last of my money to this poor guy down in front of the building. He's an Australian tourist, he lost his wallet and he just needed ten dollars...
Martin
So he could take a cab to the Australian Consulate before it closes?
Roz
Yeah. How'd you know?
Martin
There is no Australian Consulate in Seattle.
Roz
Ooh. That poor guy!
Frasier
Roz, it's a scam. He scammed you.
Roz
No, this guy was for real, honest. He even said...
Martin
"If you give me your address, I'll send you the money back with interest."
Roz
[realizing] God, I'm an idiot.
Martin
No, don't feel bad. These guys are professionals. [presses the fast forward button on a reel-to-reel recorder]
Roz
[coming to rescue] DON'T TOUCH THAT!
Martin
What is this place, a radio station or a nuclear missile site? Now, listen Roz, don't feel bad. I was a cop for thirty years, and they could still fake me out once in a while. These guys are professionals, they know what to do.
Frasier
Especially if you're an easy mark like Roz.
Martin
Hey, the criminal mind is more complex than you think. They can fool you.
Frasier
Oh, by all means dad, lecture me on the complexities of the human mind. Are you forgetting that I graduated with honors from Harvard in Psychosocial Behaviorism?
Martin
I know, I was at your graduation. Impressive bunch. A car backfired and half of them wet their gowns.
Frasier
It sounded louder on the dais! All I'm trying to say is, if it were me on the street, I wouldn't have been fooled.
Martin
Oh, you think because of your book smarts, that you can spot a crook just like that, huh?
Frasier
Well if I can't, I'm in the wrong business.
Martin
You want to put your money where your mouth is?
Frasier
What do you mean?
Martin
Well, I've got three people coming over for poker tonight. Two of them are cops, the third one's done time in jail. I'll bet you five bucks you can't tell which one's the ex-con.
Roz
Hey, can I get in on the action?
Frasier
Of course you can.
Roz
Great. Ten bucks on your dad.
Frasier
Oh, you're just itching to give your money away today, aren't you? All right, you're both on. But I think you're underestimating me. What truffles are to pigs, so are these charlatans and pettifoggers to my mental acuity.
Martin
We didn't know better back then. His mother smoked during pregnancy.
Daphne
So, who are these people coming over tonight?
Frasier
Oh, just some of dad's old friends from the precinct.
Daphne
Yeah well, if we're having company, someone should have been cleaned up. Because someone hasn't been smelling so fresh lately. Because someone is long overdue for a tub.
Martin
Hey, I took a shower this morning.
Daphne
You know I was talking about Eddie. He's long overdue for a...
Martin
Hey, don't! Don't say that word.
Daphne
What word?
Martin
B-A-T-H.
Frasier
When he yawns it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.
Daphne
I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizzas and uh, little sausage rolls. Will you be needing anything else?
Frasier
The number of the nearest gastroenterologist. [opens door]
Martin
Hey guys, come on in.
Martin
These are my poker pals. This is Linda, Frank and Jimmy.
Frasier
[shaking hands] Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Martin
This is my son, Frasier. Throw your coats on the couch. [Frasier scrutinizes them] Kinda hard to tell, isn't it? They all look like they did time.
Frasier
Well, my dad tells me he's filled you in on our little bet. Now the ground rules for tonight are that I'm not allowed to ask you any questions directly about your line of work, but whatever questions I do ask, you must answer truthfully.
Frank
All I want to do is play cards.
Jimmy
Great place you've got here, Martin.
Martin
Ah, thanks.
Frasier
Actually, it's mine.
Jimmy
Boy, you must do pretty well on that radio show of yours. What is this place, about two thousand square feet?
Frasier
About. Hmm... that's interesting, you noticed the space. Most people mention the view and the high ceilings, but you, you mentioned the space. It's almost as if you'd spent some time living in a cramped, confining, tight area.
Frank
So you've been to Jimmy's apartment, huh?
Daphne
[comes in from the kitchen with a tray of beers] Hello there.
Martin
Oh hi, Daphne. This is Daphne Moon, these are my friends, Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Frank
Very pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short?
Daphne
Not twice. Well, it's nice to meet all of you. Here you go, I've got beers for everyone.
Frank
Still drinking the Ballantines, I see.
Linda
Yeah. When you kick off, that company's going down the tubes.
Daphne
Oh, yeah. Many's the time I come home to see cans of them, lined up one after another on the coffee table, like little tin soldiers they are...
Martin
Yeah, thanks a lot, Daphne. Don't you have a dog to wash?
Daphne
Well, I suppose I do. Of course, I have to catch the little bugger first. Oh, [taking can of beer] maybe one of these would help.
Jimmy
Hey, beer's not good for dogs.
Daphne
No, but it's super for me. [exits]
Jimmy
Marty, she's pretty nice.
Linda
Yeah, and sexy too, you dirty old man!
Martin
Oh...
Frasier
Interesting... you find her attractive, do you?
Linda
Sure, don't you?
Frasier
Yes, but I mean, attraction to one's own sex is a not uncommon result of long-enforced periods of time spent exclusively in their company.
Martin
Wow, Frasier. I may have underestimated you.
Frasier
Really?
Martin
Yeah, you're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought.
Jimmy
[starting game] High card deals.
Frasier
You know, we could really use some music. Anybody play the harmonica?
Frank
All right, my deal. Dollar in to start, five card draw, jacks or better to open and the three raise maximum.
Martin
Sure you don't want to play, Fras?
Frasier
Oh, no-no-no-no-no, I'll just take this time to observe the triumvirate. I believe in my considerable education, my years of study and not to mention, well... alright, let's say it, my God-given gift to intuit.
Frank
This is the kid who used to get his head flushed in the toilet, right?
Frank
Okay, I call. What do ya got?
Linda
Full boat, aces up.
Frank
Damn it! That's another one. I'm losing my shirt here.
Daphne
Would somebody mind giving me a hand with the coffee?
Jimmy
Yeah. I'll give you a hand.
Daphne
Come along then.
Jimmy
I really like your accent. Where are you from?
Daphne
Manchester.
Jimmy
Manchester. That's where the Beatles are from, right?
Daphne
Oh, no-no. You're thinking Liverpool.
Jimmy
Then who's from Manchester?
Daphne
No-one. That's why I live here now.
Martin
[to Frasier] You've been awfully quiet there.
Frasier
I'm sorry, dad. Just been observing.
Martin
No no, don't apologize, it was a compliment.
Frasier
Frank's an interesting study, isn't he? Temper, loner, a bit unsocial. Almost a stereotypical portrait of a man who's spent his entire life behind bars.
Frank
[examining one of Frasier's objets d'art] This dish a Lalique or a Steuben?
Martin
They had no spots open in the prison laundry, he worked in fine china and glassware.
Frank
[to Linda] Here you go, big winner. Buy yourself something pretty and frilly.
Linda
Sorry Frank, I can't hear you. I've got your money stuck in my ears.
Martin
Well, I guess there's only one thing left. How about it, Fras? You figured it out yet?
Frasier
Actually, I believe I have. Shall we step into the drawing room? Please have a seat.
Martin
Okay, Sherlock. You've got center stage.
Frasier
I have sketched an accurate psychological profile of each one of you. And in so doing I have come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the criminal among us can only be... FRANK!
Martin
Wrong. Frank's a highly decorated undercover cop.
Frasier
Exactly! Just a little too obvious, you know. The broken vocabulary, the jailhouse pallor, the underdeveloped social skills...
Frank
Hey.
Frasier
[to Martin] So, you tried to use psychology against me, did you? Threw a gender bender at me. Thinking I'd just assume that a felon would naturally be a man. Well, I'm on to your little game, mister. The criminal among us is indeed, the very wily Linda!
Linda
Nope.
Frasier
JIMMY!
Martin
Hey. You're right.
Frasier
Damn it... you seem like such a nice guy.
Jimmy
I am a nice guy.
Martin
He was voted most congenial in his cellblock.
Jimmy
Sorry, doc. I'm afraid you owe your old man five bucks.
Frasier
Yeah, I'm afraid I do. [searches in his pockets for his wallet]
Jimmy
Oh. [giving Frasier his wallet back] You'll probably use this.
Linda
Well, it's been a lot of laughs, but it's getting late. We better get going.
Frank
Yeah, you're right. Thanks a lot, Marty.
Martin
Oh, yes. Great.
Frasier
It's been very pleasant. You'll all come again, any time you like. [to Jimmy] Hopefully when we're here, of course.
Frank
Goodnight, Marty,
Martin
See ya.
Jimmy
Next week, Marty.
Martin
Yeah, yeah.
Frasier
Jimmy. Boy, who woulda thought? How do you even know that guy, dad?
Martin
Ah, he was a jailhouse snitch, he helped us out a couple of times. Right, he's great company, but I wouldn't trust him for a second if he wasn't surrounded by cops.
Daphne
[who's come in to clear table] Who's a jailhouse snitch?
Martin
Jimmy.
Daphne
Jimmy's an ex-con?
Frasier
[handing over five dollars] Well, you certainly made your point. I feel stupid as hell.
Daphne
I feel rather a fool meself.
Martin
Why would you care, one way or another?
Daphne
Because... I've agreed to go out with Jimmy tomorrow night.
Martin
You did what?!
Daphne
He asked me if I'd like to go out for drinks with him to a place called the Topaz Room, meet some of his friends. It sounded harmless enough.
Martin
Well, it's out of the question! You're gonna have to call him and cancel!
Daphne
But you said yourself he was fun to spend time with.
Martin
I said DO time with. No, no. You just can't go. Case closed, that's all there is to it.
Frasier
Dad, excuse me, if I can interrupt that self-righteous policeman mentality for a second, don't you believe in second chances?
Martin
I did. Then we had Niles.
Frasier
Well, I believe that when a man has paid his debt to society he deserves a fresh start. I see no harm in her going out with him once.
Martin
Well, I do! She's not going.
Frasier
I say she is.
Daphne
Excuse me? Gentlemen? But might I interject one tiny little thought into this conversation?
Frasier
Of course, Daphne.
Daphne
BELT UP! BOTH OF YOU! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen to be a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might not date since I was a schoolgirl. And I didn't listen then. Now, when I've quite made up my mind about what I plan to do about Jimmy, I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two hens have wasted enough of my time.
Frasier
That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was down that hall.
Martin
I still don't think she should be going out with that guy.
Frasier
Oh, don't worry, she won't.
Martin
How do you know?
Frasier
Well, because she has too much respect for your opinion. She won't go against your wishes if I'm any judge of character.
Martin
Oh, dear God.
Niles
[to waiter] I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use skim milk.
Frasier
I'll have the same.
Waiter
Got it. [to barista] Two Gutless Wonders!
Niles
Thank you. [to Frasier] Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips for a man who drives a van. Oh, oh-oh-oh, Frasier. How was your encounter with dad's poker buddies last night?
Frasier
Ah...
Niles
I must tell you - the picture of you trying to make conversation with dad's blue-collar cronies all evening is priceless. When I told Maris about it, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing.
Frasier
Actually, it was really rather interesting. You know, one of them actually did time in prison for fraud?
Niles
Good lord! What was he like?
Frasier
Actually, he was quite personable. You know dad, he's so judgmental.
Niles
He is, and I've often condemned him for it.
Frasier
For some reason, you know, just because the man was in prison he seems to have marked him for life.
Niles
It's ridiculous. Not all criminals are recidivists. I've seen many cases where after they've paid their debt to society they've gone on to lead productive lives. Dad's just being narrow-minded.
Frasier
Hmm. Yes, I almost had to sedate him when Daphne announced that she was going to go out with him.
Niles
Frasier, I hope you're just yanking my giggle chain.
Frasier
What do you mean?
Niles
You're telling me that you're letting this English rose be sullied by some sociopath?
Frasier
Niles, he passed bad checks. He's not a sociopath.
Niles
He's a degenerate who should be put away forever!
Frasier
You haven't even met him.
Niles
Oh, for God's sake, they're all depraved animals!
Waiter
[bringing over coffee] Here's your coffee. Anything else?
Niles
Yes, the check please, and quickly. Frasier, we've got to rescue her!
Frasier
Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational.
Niles
Don't you DARE call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!
Frasier
Now, Niles. Listen, I think Jimmy's a perfectly nice guy. And besides, Daphne can take care of herself.
Niles
I don't care, I'm going after her. [gets up and puts on his coat] I'm not without resources. My Tae Kwon Do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening!
Frasier
Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you.
Niles
That's fine. Just tell me where they went.
Frasier
Someplace called the, uh, the Topaz Room.
Waiter
[who's brought the check] The Topaz Room? I thought the cops shut that place down after the last shooting.
Frasier
I'll drive!
Leo
Your shot, girlie.
Leo
But before you take that shot, why don't we make this a little more interesting? All you have to do to win is run those last five balls. So what do you say we double our bet?
Daphne
Oh, well. I might as well. I never really have understood this game. [lines up] Never understood it, when I started playing with me older brothers, at the age of six. [clunk] And I never understood it during all my formative years, spent mostly in the pool halls of Manchester. [clunk] Playing in local competitions and club tournaments. [clunk] Winning cup after cup after cup. Until our poor dad had to convert the pantry into a trophy room. [clunk] And I can't really claim to understand it - eight ball in far corner - even today. [clunk] But I certainly do enjoy it. [collects her winnings to the applause of the customers] Thank you, gentlemen. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to attempt to use the ladies room without touching anything.
Frasier
Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life.
Niles
You must simply try to blend in. Fortunately, I haven't shaved in several hours. You should loosen your tie.
Frasier
Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob.
Niles
That happens to be a Phi-Beta-Kappa key.
Frasier
Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local chapter.
Niles
Actually, this is quite stimulating in a lower-depths sort of way. And I've always been something of a squalor buff.
Frasier
The only problem is, I don't see Daphne or Jimmy.
Niles
[to bartender] Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the color of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?
Frasier
This would be an Englishwoman called Daphne.
Bartender
Ah yeah, the one who came in with Jimmy.
Frasier
Right.
Bartender
She was over there shooting pool a minute ago. I think she stepped in the back.
Frasier
What happened to Jimmy?
Bartender
[chuckles] He tried to get fresh with her. She threw a hammerlock on him and ran him out of here. That babe can take care of herself.
Frasier
[to Niles] I told you so.
Bartender
And good riddance too. Guy was no good. I knew it the first time I saw him. You can always tell.
Frasier
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on Niles, we've taken our walk on the wild side, let's get out of here.
Niles
What about Daphne?
Frasier
Well come on, you heard what she did to Jimmy. Think how mad she'll be if she should find us here.
Niles
You're right. Best make ourselves scarce. [Daphne comes out] Good lord, there she is!
Frasier
Oh, oh. God, I am so sorry.
Rocco
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Frasier
I'm sorry, I was just trying to...
Rocco
You made me miss that shot.
Frasier
I'm sorry.
Rocco
I had two hundred bucks riding on that shot.
Frasier
Really sorry.
Rocco
[to Niles, as his mate joins them] Where do you think you're going?
Niles
Ah, I'll be back, I was just going to put another quarter in the meter.
Rocco
The meters don't run at night, and neither do you.
Niles
Oh, that was rather an amusing play on words, you're a regular George S. Kaufman, we must tell our friends about this.
Rocco
You owe me two hundred dollars.
Frasier
Oh well, I-I'd gladly pay you, but I-I don't have that kind of cash on me.
Niles
Even if he did, it would be absurd to bring it into a place like this. You know, with the kind of element you might run into...
Frasier
Niles! Maybe I could write you a check?
Rocco
My element don't take checks. I think maybe we should take these guys outside, and wise them up.
Frasier
Oh, I don't think that's really necessary at all.
Daphne
Oh my goodness! What are you two doing here?
Niles
We might ask you the same thing. This happens to be one of our favorite haunts. Actually, Maris and I had our rehearsal dinner here... the place was different then, it was more of a garden room and there was a trellis over there where the bar is...
Frasier
Shut up, Niles.
Daphne
You followed me, didn't you?
Frasier
Oh Daphne, we were worried about you.
Rocco
Excuse me, lady. But it seems like your friends can't seem to come up with the two hundred they owe me, so I'm gonna have to uh - pardon my French - beat the crap out of them.
Frasier
Listen, listen. I'm a psychiatrist, maybe we can talk this out in sessions. You know, it seems that you have some control issues...
Rocco
Outside!
Daphne
WAIT! I have money. How would you like to go for double or nothing, sport?
Rocco
On what?
Daphne
Well, you look like a betting man. [walks over to pool table] I'll wager I can sink these five balls with a single shot. If I do, these boys are square. If I miss, you double your money.
Rocco
Hey. I don't mind taking your money, but I was kinda looking forward to pulping this guy.
Daphne
Yeah, well. We won't quibble. [picks up cue] If I miss, you can pulp him. I'm feeling generous tonight. I'll throw in the little one as well.
Niles
[to Frasier] What did she mean by that, "Throw in the little one?" And what in God's name is "pulping"?
Rocco
You're on. Okay. But just to make sure this is on the up and up, let's use six balls. Instead of sinking all five with one shot, [rolling another ball onto table] how about sinking all six? Do that and uh, I'll forget the two hundred bucks.
Daphne
Fair enough. [takes careful aim, then...] Need a bit of chalk for me cue. [lines up again, then...] Does it matter in what order I make them?
Frasier
Daphne!
Rocco
Hey lady. If you make any of them, it'll be a miracle.
Daphne
Right. Well... here goes nothing.
Daphne
RUN FOR IT!!! [grabs the money]