The Show Where Lilith Comes Back
Aired 3rd February 1994 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by James Burrows
Hank
[v.o.] So, Dr. Crane, I just don't know what to do about my weight. I've tried diet after diet, from the "milkshakes three times a day" to that scary bald-headed lady on TV. Nothing seems to work.
Frasier
Hank, listen to me. You've got to look inside yourself. There is a part of you that isn't being fed.
Hank
Well, it certainly isn't my butt.
Frasier
Yes, well, I'm talking about your inner self. What isn't being fed there? Love, career, simple self-esteem? There are deeper issues at work here.
Hank
So, so what do I do?
Frasier
Well, I'd suggest extended therapy. Please stay on the line, and my producer Roz will refer you to the help you need. Roz, who's our next call?
Roz
We have someone on line one who disagrees with your advice to Hank.
Frasier
Ah, really? [pushes button] Hello, you're on the line.
Lilith
[v.o.] Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again.
Lilith
You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
Frasier
Lilith?
Lilith
Overeating is very simply a behavioral problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behavior modification.
Frasier
I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Lilith
What do you mean by "celebrity?"
Frasier
[darkly] Oh, they know you. [hits the cough button] Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
Roz
It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
Frasier
[lets go of button] Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle — the constant rain?
Lilith
I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
Frasier
Well, I guess you'll be rushing off to your little convention now, and I suppose we'll just have to catch up on your next trip.
Lilith
Actually, I'm not doing anything for dinner tonight.
Frasier
Really? Well, then you'll want to keep your dial tuned to 780 for Gil Chesterton's "Restaurant Beat."
Roz
Why don't you ask her out to dinner, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
What a wonderful idea! [takes a piece of paper and a Magic Marker and starts writing] And let me tell you why, Seattle. You see, even though our marriage was unsuccessful, Lilith and I are quite capable of conducting ourselves as adults, and even enjoying spending some time together, from time to time. So, Lilith, seven at my place?
Lilith
Sounds great.
Martin
In my day, when two people broke up you were mad, you were angry, you hated each other! Whatever happened to the sanctity of divorce?
Frasier
Dad, you never liked Lilith.
Martin
She's weird.
Frasier
She is not weird.
Martin
Oh, she's weird.
Frasier
Well, maybe she's a little strange.
Martin
No, [points to Niles] Maris is a little strange. Lilith is weird.
Niles
Gee whiz, Dad, I had no idea you preferred my wife to Frasier's.
Daphne
Oh, my head!
Frasier
Can I get you an aspirin, Daphne?
Daphne
Oh, no, no, I'm afraid those are useless. This is one of my psychic headaches. There's some kind of negative force out there. I only get these when there's a clawing at the cosmic continuum.
Niles
Perhaps if someone rubbed your temples—
Frasier
Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship.
Niles
Frasier, I must tell you, I'm here for support, but I will not speak to Lilith.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, this ongoing feud between you and Lilith is ridiculous! Let it go, it was years ago.
Martin
I can't even remember what the fight was about in the first place.
Niles
Well, let me refresh you! At our wedding, while Maris was reciting her vows — which she wrote herself — vows of love from the heart, I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith, her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer.
Frasier
All right, now, now, there she is. All right, now — now listen, it's just one evening out of your life. Will you at least try to be civil?
Niles
All right, but I refuse to be warm.
Frasier
Hello, Lilith.
Lilith
Frasier.
Frasier
Please come in.
Frasier
[taking her purse and coat] Here, let me take these things for you. There we are. Oh, look who's here.
Lilith
Hello, Martin. Hello, Niles. Niles &
Martin
[flat, toneless] Hello.
Lilith
[looks around] Where's Maris?
Niles
She's visiting her sister in Chicago.
Lilith
Oh. I thought perhaps she was sailing up the transplendent river of your love.
Lilith
Frasier, I like what you've done with your apartment.
Frasier
Thank you.
Lilith
You have beautiful things.
Frasier
The settlement is final, Lilith.
Lilith
Go away.
Frasier
Why does he listen to you, and not to me?
Lilith
By the tone of my voice, he senses I mean business.
Frasier
Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is?
Martin
Hell, I took a half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog.
Daphne
Oh, hello — I've never had a throbbing like this!
Frasier
Daphne, um, this is my ex-wife, Dr. Lilith Sternin. Lilith, this is Daphne Moon, my dad's physical therapist.
Lilith
It's nice to meet you.
Daphne
An equal pleasure. [turning back to Frasier; whispering] When I shook hands with that woman, I lost all feeling in my arm!
Niles
Frasier, I'm going to pop into your bedroom and use the phone. Maris was developing some sniffles, I just want to make sure she's taking in enough liquids.
Lilith
Isn't it enough that she's eternally sipping from the font of your perpetual adoration?
Lilith
Martin, I'm especially delighted to see you here tonight.
Martin
[gripping his cane a little closer] Oh yeah?
Lilith
Oh yes. Knowing as I do the history of your relationship with Frasier, when I heard that he'd taken you in, I immediately flipped to the weather channel to see if hell had indeed frozen over.
Martin
Frasier, how'd you let ever this little peach get away?
Frasier
Well, I think dinner's just about ready. Why don't we move to the table.
Frasier
So, Lilith, how is Frederick?
Lilith
Well, as you know, I've enrolled him in that chess camp in the Berkshires. It's really quite stimulating. For eight hours a day, he sits in a large auditorium, with 300 other children, mastering the Alhausen-Grauve Opening.
Martin
Well, he's in the mountains. Shouldn't he be out there in the fresh air?
Lilith
Every day after lunch they go for a nature walk. Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven different varieties of ivy, so he has to wear long sleeves, and long pants... a bonnet with a net on it.
Frasier
Boy, I sure hope the other campers don't make fun of him.
Martin
Oh, I'm sure they don't. You know how kind kids can be. Hell, all he needs is a birthmark on his forehead, and they'd beat him to death with a shovel!
Martin
So, I chased this guy down a dark alley, and when he got to the end he turned and pulled a knife on me. So I gave him a couple of good shots with my nightstick.
Lilith
Fascinating. I have to ask, were you at all aware of any repressed sexual urges while you were pummeling him so mercilessly?
Martin
Yeah, but I didn't put 'em in the report.
Lilith
You're having some fun at my expense, aren't you?
Martin
Not much. [gets up] In fact, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
Frasier
Goodnight, Dad.
Daphne
Oh, well, if you don't need me any longer, I think I'll be shuffling off as well.
Frasier
Well, goodnight.
Daphne
[to Lilith] It was a pleasure meeting you. By the way, how many days will you be staying in Seattle?
Lilith
Just through the weekend.
Daphne
Well, enjoy your stay. [heads to her room] I'll be dead by Saturday night, I know it!
Niles
Well, I guess I'll say my goodbyes as well. Goodnight, Frasier. [ignores Lilith]
Frasier
Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows.
Lilith
I simply responded with the genuine spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. [Frasier motions her to try harder] But, if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Niles
[overjoyed] Oh, Lilith, thank you! [hugs her tight] Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!
Frasier
He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
Lilith
Well, it's just the two of us.
Frasier
Yes. It's the first time we've been alone together since the lawyers put us in that room and said, "Don't come out until there's some resolution."
Lilith
Yes, well, this was nice.
Frasier
Yes it was, wasn't it?
Lilith
You have a beautiful view.
Frasier
Well, it's a beautiful city. I hope you enjoy your convention.
Lilith
Oh, for God's sake, Frasier. There is no convention. I'm here because of the letter.
Frasier
The letter? What letter?
Lilith
You know very well what letter. The one you left in the apartment last month when you were home to visit Frederick, the one proposing we get back together. Surely you didn't forget?
Lilith
[reading] "My darling, how could a love like ours have fallen so far from grace? There must be some part of your heart that still resounds to the rhythm of my own. I fear that I'll be lost without you. As long as we have love, love will keep us together." Aside from the shameless pilfering from the Captain and Tenille, I was moved by your entreaty. I felt the same way, and yet I felt the need to create this pretense of arriving here for a convention, because I was still torn and unable to commit myself. But seeing you now, I realize how much I've missed you.
Frasier
Lilith, I did write that letter, and I did leave it in the apartment, but...
Lilith
Yes?
Frasier
It wasn't last month. It was nearly a year ago. It's before I moved to Seattle. You just found it now?
Lilith
[deflated] It had fallen behind the dresser.
Frasier
Well, I see the cleaning service is still doing its usual bang-up job.
Lilith
Well, don't I feel like the perfect fool?
Frasier
Listen, Lilith—
Lilith
Here I am, humiliated, emotionally drained, and I've used up all my frequent flier miles!
Frasier
Lilith, please!
Lilith
No, Frasier, please, there's nothing else to say. I'd like to leave with at least a shred of dignity.
Lilith
Thank you.
Frasier
I wrote this letter just before I came to Seattle hoping for a reconciliation. She only just now found it.
Niles
Didn't the Captain and Tenille sing this?
Frasier
Like they own those five words! You know, I-I got over her, I moved out here. She comes back and I wonder if I made the right decision. I did write that letter.
Niles
It appears you have come to some sort of a crossroads.
Frasier
Oh, that's a nice tidy little way of saying I'm in hell. Niles, I have a life here that suits me, and yet I can't help wondering if there is still some chance for reconciliation, if it's worth exploring the feelings that—that I'm feeling. Do you think I should see her again tonight?
Niles
Frasier, like most patients who come to a therapist, you already know the answer to the question you're posing. You just want me to agree with your decision and support you whether I share your opinion or not.
Frasier
Yes, but I don't have an opinion in this case.
Niles
I'm sure you do.
Frasier
But I don't.
Niles
Well, then I can't help you.
Frasier
All right, all right. I think in my soul, I'm leaning toward taking the next step and, uh, seeing if there's anything... there.
Niles
That is what you should do.
Frasier
Why?
Niles
You know why.
Frasier
Damn it, Niles!
Niles
Frasier, you know why.
Frasier
All right. We have a long history together, we-we have a son that we both adore. There were some good times, and when they were good... Hoo-ah!
Niles
Well, it seems our minds are pretty well made up, aren't they?
Frasier
Yes, they are. Thank you, Niles. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Niles
Yes, you do.
Frasier
Drop it!
Frasier
Hello, Lilith.
Lilith
Frasier, come in.
Frasier
I must be early, I see you haven't had a chance to put up your hair yet.
Lilith
Oh, I thought I'd leave it down tonight.
Frasier
[surprised] Really?
Lilith
Yes, after several hours of careful deliberation, and weighing all the consequences, I decided to be playful. I'm glad you invited me to dinner.
Frasier
Well, how could I not? I felt so awful about last night. You see, I just thought you'd read the letter long ago and ignored it.
Lilith
No explanation necessary. It was a simple misunderstanding.
Frasier
O.K. Well, I know a great little French bistro just around the corner—
Lilith
Uh, Frasier? Before we go anywhere, I would just like to go on record as saying that, regardless of everything that's happened, I respect you for getting on with your life as successfully as you have.
Frasier
Well, I'd like to say that I feel the same way about you. Frederick is flourishing, and I'm sure that's in no small part due to you.
Lilith
[touched] Oh, thank you. That means a great deal to me.
Frasier
[helping her into her coat] Geez, do you realize that's the first pleasant thing we've said to each other in almost a year?
Lilith
You're right.
Frasier
[stops] You know, I'm suddenly quite moved.
Lilith
I am too.
Frasier
Would it be a dreadful contretemps if I kissed you right now?
Lilith
You can always try.
Frasier
You want to bag dinner?
Lilith
There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
Frasier
Come to me, my white-hot flame!
Lilith
I was insane to divorce you!
Frasier
Oh God, you're in my thoughts every waking hour!
Lilith
You're the only man I've ever loved!
Frasier
So are you!
Lilith
Good morning.
Frasier
Jolly good morning to you, too.
Lilith
I could stay like this all morning.
Frasier
Me, too. [checks his watch]
Lilith
I'm so glad I decided to take the chance and fly out here to be with you.
Frasier
Yes, me too, me too.
Frasier
Oh, I'll get that!
Frasier
Must be the breakfast we ordered last night. Boy, I am famished!
Lilith
You should be. You were a busy boy.
Frasier
Hi.
Waiter
Good morning, sir.
Frasier
Just bring it right in here, please. Uh, that's fine. [tips the waiter] Little something for you, too. Thank you, good day.
Frasier
Well, boy, it's funny how life takes it's little turns, isn't it? Yesterday morning when I woke up, I never imagined I'd be waking up here this morning.
Lilith
Indeed.
Frasier
And — I mean, it's not that we were overly impulsive or anything, or that what we did was wrong, I just—
Lilith
This is a mistake.
Frasier
Oh, thank God you said that! Oh, it's not that last night wasn't very enjoyable, but who are we kidding? You've gotten on with your life, I've gotten on with mine! I've got a new career, I've reestablished relationships with my family, I've got a whole new set of friends — for the first time in years, I'm happy! I mean, for us to even consider getting back together — it's just the stupidest thing two people could do!
Lilith
[staring at him with horror] I meant the eggs. I ordered poached, not fried.
Frasier
[trying to cover] Well, you didn't let me finish, you see... after I played Devil's advocate, I—
Lilith
Oh, Frasier, don't insult me! That's how you really feel, isn't it?
Frasier
I'm afraid so.
Frasier
Oh, Lilith, are you crying? God, I'm sorry. Once again, I've led you down an emotional primrose path. Lilith, I never meant to hurt you. I don't blame you if you're mad at me.
Lilith
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. I don't even know what I'm doing here! I've just been so lonely over the last year, and when I found your letter, it was — it was like a life preserver! I'm raising a child alone. I'm scared. I always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, but the truth is, I'm afraid. I guess that's why I convinced myself that I was still in love with you.
Frasier
You mean you're not?
Lilith
No, I'm not.
Frasier
Well, that's good. So then what happened last night was only because you were lonely, and I was—
Lilith
We all know what you were, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, Lilith, Lilith, here, here, come with me here. [guides her to the mirror] Now, listen, look in there, tell me what you see. [she can't say anything] All right, I'll tell you what I see. I see the same strong-willed, dynamic, intelligent woman I married seven years ago. Listen, you're just suffering a temporary lapse — divorce does that to you. [turns her around to face him] Listen, I won't say anything as trite as "someday you'll find someone." But I know this: I know you, and I know that no matter what the future holds in store for you, you'll handle it.
Lilith
Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier
You hungry?
Lilith
Yeah.
Frasier
O.K.
Lilith
You always knew how to buck me up when I was blue.
Frasier
Yeah, well, you know you helped me through some hard times yourself.
Lilith
You know, those married years weren't all bad. We did have some good moments.
Frasier
The best one was Frederick. [he takes her hand] We'll always have that.
Frasier
And, you know, I can't help telling you this. Even though we're not in love anymore, you were always the most exciting lover I ever had. I think in your heart of hearts that you'd say the same about me.
Lilith
They screwed up the toast, too, I ordered rye.
Frasier
Lilith?