A Mid-Winter Night's Dream

Niles

Double Cappuccino, half-caf, not-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache.

Eric

Cinnamon or chocolate on that?

Niles

Oh, they make this so complicated. Um, cinnamon.

Eric

[to Frasier:] And you?

Frasier

Well let me see, I think I'll have the...

Niles

Oh look, it's Daphne. Daphne!

Frasier

Daphne.

Daphne

Oh, hello, thought I might run into you here. Oh please, sit, sit. I just stopped in for a bag of beans, we're running low at home.

Frasier

Oh, well good. [to Eric:] You know, I'd like...

Eric

[intervening:] I'd be happy to help.

Daphne

Two pounds of...

Eric

[with Daphne:] The Kenya Blend.

Daphne

Ho-ho, you remembered.

Eric

Hard to forget. [Niles looks jealous.]

Frasier

Excuse me, you haven't taken my order yet.

Eric

[ignoring Frasier:] Most people find that blend too intense.

Daphne

Not me, I like something that holds its body on my tongue.

Frasier

Excuse me, we seem to have spilled something here. If you could... [Eric just throws down a dishcloth.]

Eric

I don't suppose you would be into something robust, if it didn't come on too strong.

Daphne

If it was a little bit sweet I might take a liking to it.

Eric

Would you like to step over to the counter and try my special blend?

Daphne

I'd love to.

Frasier

[shouting:] Oh, nothing for me, thanks!

Niles

Frasier, that man is hitting on our Daphne! I don't know how she stands it.

Frasier

Niles... look, apropos of nothing, how are things between you and Maris?

Niles

Are you implying that my concern for Daphne's welfare is anything less than pure?

Frasier

I don't know, you tell me.

Niles

Frasier, that is your great shortcoming. You're always distrustful, you're always suspicious. Sometimes you just have to have faith that people are all right- [spies on them] what's he doing now!?

Frasier

I believe he's bagging her beans.

Niles

[interpreting this his own way] Oh!

Daphne

Oh, I'm so excited! Eric over there is taking me to a club to hear his band tonight. Oh, I know it's not my regular night off but I'll switch it with Saturday, if that's OK with you. [Niles shakes his head "no" at Frasier, who ignores him] Oh, isn't he lovely? I already have a nickname for him, "Eric The Red." It favours him, doesn't it? Don't you think he looks like a Viking?

Frasier

Well...

Daphne

Well, ta-ta! [turns to leave, but stops] Oh, look at me, I forgot my beans. Earth to Daphne!

Niles

How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him.

Frasier

Niles, you know, this infatuation with Daphne is really getting out of hand. I didn't really mind when it was just a flirtation, but I can't help wonder that this is symptomatic of something wrong between you and Maris. [Niles is silent] Well, is it?

Niles

Oh... Frasier, I can't lie to you. The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.

Frasier

Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit.

Niles

You mean... boudoir-wise?

Frasier

Well, for starters, yeah.

Niles

Like how?

Frasier

Well, the two of you could... [Niles leans forward expectantly] Well, you could... well it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.

Frasier

Oh, hi Roz, how are you?

Roz

Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you.

Frasier

Well, I was just making conversation. But actually, Roz, there's some advice I need.

Roz

About what?

Frasier

A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex.

Roz

[losing all her troubles:] How can I help you?

Frasier

What do you do when... when the romance goes out of a relationship?

Roz

I get dressed and go home.

Frasier

All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship; what would you do to keep things cooking?

Roz

Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we pretended we were strangers picking each other up. Actually that was kinda hot. [chuckles at the memory]

Frasier

So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing?

Roz

Yeah. In fact, we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the next time he got so into it he went home with another woman.

Frasier

I'm sorry.

Roz

Oh hell, she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone home with her. My point is that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.

Frasier

Roz, this is not for me, it's for my brother Niles.

Roz

Oh! Well in that case, make it a gladiola.

Frasier

Niles!

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

I'm sorry, Frasier, but something horrible has happened. Maris kicked me out.

Frasier

Dear God, why? What for?

Frasier

Oh, my.

Martin

[entering:] What's going on out there? Niles?

Niles

Hello, dad.

Martin

Never mind, I don't want to know.

Niles

No dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.

Frasier

Alright, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.

Niles

Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.

Martin

Dressed like that?

Niles

Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?

Frasier

Stop!

Niles

There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.

Niles

Dad? Dad, it's not funny.

Martin

Where'd you come up with such a stupid idea?

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

All I suggested was some sexual role-playing, you're the one that came up with "Pirates of the Caribbean"!

Niles

[sinks into a chair] Oh, I've really bungled it this time, haven't I?

Martin

Oh come on, these things happen. Look, why don't you just stay here tonight with us and then tomorrow you and Maris can sort things out.

Niles

What if we don't? What'll I do then?

Frasier

Well, I suppose they could always use another busboy at the "Jolly Roger"!

Niles

I'll never be able to face the maid again.

Martin

I don't think it's your face she'll remember.

Martin

Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear?

Niles

Only every Thanksgiving.

Martin

Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!

Frasier

[entering with pillow and blanket:] Here we are, Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheets and a nice Vicuna throw in case you get a little chilly during the night.

Niles

How perfect!

Martin

I still say a couple of years in the service would have done you two boys a world of good. Goodnight. [he leaves]

Niles

Goodnight. You know, Frasier, Maris and I have had our difficulties before, but never anything this serious. I really feel terrible having her mad at me. It's times like this I wish I knew how to cry.

Frasier

Well, don't be embarrassed on my account, Niles.

Niles

No, no, it's not that, I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris's Uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.

Frasier

You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? Well, goodnight Niles.

Niles

Goodnight.

Daphne

Well, thank you again, Eric. I had a wonderful time.

Eric

Me too.

Daphne

Well, Goodnight.

Eric

Goodnight.

Daphne

I know we've only had a few dates, but I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat, and I bought myself all-new underwear! [exits to kitchen, giggling]

Martin

We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to!

Niles

I just got off the phone with Maris. She's in Arizona for the weekend.

Frasier

Why?

Niles

Well, she said she was so shattered by the experience she had to fly to her favorite spa to contemplate the future of our marriage from a mud bath.

Daphne

Well, it'll probably be good for Mrs. Crane. Eric thinks the earth is very grounding.

Niles

Eric, Eric, Eric! Must everything always be about Eric?!

Frasier

Niles. May I suggest that when Maris returns, you both invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's a Reichian group...

Martin

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look, all Maris needs to know is that you love her. Buy her some flowers, fix her a nice romantic dinner when she gets back, that's enough to make any woman forgive you.

Niles

You really think that will work?

Martin

If it didn't, you wouldn't be here!

Niles

Well, I'd be willing to try, but it's impossible. Our cook walked out in sympathy with Maris.

Daphne

Well, I could help you prepare something. I have a late date with Eric... [Niles turns round angrily:] -a. An elderly Aunt Erica, but I could come over early and have everything ready by the time Mrs. Crane arrives.

Niles

Well, thank you, Daphne.

Daphne

Now, what do you think Mrs. Crane would like for dinner?

Niles

Oh, you have free reign. Just bear in mind she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG or dairy. Did I say nuts?

Frasier

Oh, I think that's implied!

Niles

Come in Daphne, and warm yourself by the fire. How did you get so wet?

Daphne

One of your trees blew down in your driveway. I had to walk the last hundred yards. [Niles takes her coat.] I must say, you have a beautiful home.

Niles

Oh, well thank you. Actually, it was in Maris's family for four generations. When I was an mere intern I used to drive through these hills, never dreaming that one day I'd live in one of these great mansions. Then one afternoon, there was Maris, looking so helpless, banging on the gates with her little fists and a tire iron.

Daphne

[now by the fire:] They'd locked her in?

Niles

No, no, that was much later. No, this time she was returning from the antique mart with a rare bell jar once owned by Sylvia Plath, when the gates failed to open. So naturally I stopped to offer my assistance, and as our hands touched there was a sudden spark of electricity, then as if by magic the gates parted before us, and we took it as a sign.

Daphne

You knew you were meant to be together.

Niles

Yes. We were married just three short years later.

Daphne

Look at this, it's beautiful!

Niles

It's a Glockenspiel. We bought it on our honeymoon in Z�rich. [sits next to her] I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better times. It used to play beautiful music, and now it doesn't. How's that for irony? [rises] Well, let's get you into some dry clothes, so you can get started on dinner, and we can get you home in time for your date!

Niles

Daphne? [comes back] What is it?

Daphne

Nothing.

Niles

No, no, it's definitely something. I'm a psychiatrist, I can read the signs.

Daphne

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to spoil your reunion with Mrs. Crane, but... Eric broke up with me.

Niles

[sits down to comfort her] He did?

Daphne

Yes. He said he couldn't commit to me and his music. He had to stay focused. I knew it was an excuse - I've heard his music! He must have another girl.

Niles

Well, he's a fool, Daphne, and if he can't appreciate you then you're better off without him.

Daphne

Right now, I'm not so sure, but thank you, Dr. Crane.

Niles

[answering:] Niles Crane. Oh, Maris!

Niles

Where are you? What do you mean you can't come home? Well, it's not that bad a storm!

Niles

[overcome] Oh Maris, I really think you should come home. No, no, well of course I don't want you traveling if it's not safe. Yes, yes, I understand. I'll see you tomorrow. [puts phone down] Well, it seems like it's just the two of us.

Daphne

You mean Mrs. Crane won't be coming?

Daphne

Oh my, there goes the electricity. What do we do now?

Martin

No, no, the storm's really bad. You shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. [puts phone down]

Frasier

You told her to spend the night?

Martin

Yeah, what's the problem?

Frasier

Well, you know how Niles feels about her.

Martin

Oh, relax. It's just one of Niles's little crushes.

Frasier

Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.

Martin

Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.

Frasier

I've gotta get Daphne out of there!

Martin

Why?!

Frasier

Why? My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

Martin

[grabs his coat] Wait for me!

Frasier

Oh, Dad, Dad, you're not coming!

Martin

Yes, I am!

Frasier

No, you're not!

Martin

I am!

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, you play beautifully!

Niles

Thank you.

Daphne

I found this in the upstairs guest room, I hope it's alright.

Niles

I-I thought you were going to put on some of Maris's clothes. You know, something bulky from her wool collection.

Daphne

Well yeah, I was, but she's quite a bit smaller than me. [lifts the capelet, showing her bare shoulder] This is all I could find that fit. Should I go look for something else?

Niles

No - yes - no... [sits down on the piano keys, then stands back up] oh, you know er... No, the important thing is that it's big enough, [strokes his hands down her arms] and warm enough, [strokes it again] and sssssilky enough, [strokes it a third time] and... [starts to stroke it again and stops] I have to make a phone call.

Frasier

[on machine:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening. [beep]

Niles

[on machine:] Frasier? Frasier! I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn! [hangs up]

Martin

This is stupid.

Frasier

It is not.

Martin

Look, nothing's going to happen between them anyway.

Frasier

What if it does? He's my brother and he loves his wife! Now, now, I know, I know their marriage is not exactly everyone's cup of tea. But on some twisted, bizarre level it seems to work for them. If Niles ever did anything to hurt to his marriage, he's the one who'd suffer. He's my brother and I won't let him suffer!

Martin

Hey, slow down! You're going to miss the turn onto Roosevelt.

Frasier

Dad, I let you come along strictly on the agreement that you would not give directions.

Martin

I'm not giving directions, I'm just telling you which way's faster.

Frasier

Roosevelt'll add ten minutes.

Martin

In sunshine. In rain it's faster!

Frasier

Oh what, spatial relationships change when it rains?!

Martin

No, you've just got better traction on Roosevelt. Of course, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd gotten all- weather tires like I told you to, but no, you had to have the fancy German thing...

Niles

We'd better make this last, this is all that's left of the wood. [Daphne begins to cry.] Oh no, don't worry, if this runs out there's an antique sideboard in the drawing room that I think is reproduction. [she looks at him] Oh. It's Eric, isn't it?

Daphne

I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen.

Niles

[comes up behind her] Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.

Daphne

Dr. Crane...

Niles

[passionately:] Yes, Daphne?

Daphne

We're losing the fire.

Niles

No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!

Daphne

[turning to the fire:] But it's down to its last embers!

Niles

[calming down:] Well then... I'll put some wood on it!

Martin

You flooded it. You had to keep pumping gas and now you flooded it.

Frasier

Dad, you cannot flood a fuel-injected engine. Oh, this so maddening. We're so close to the house, I can see the gargoyles!

Martin

If we'd have taken Roosevelt...

Frasier

We'd be stuck on Roosevelt!

Martin

You never can admit it when you made a mistake, could you?

Frasier

[unbuckles seatbelt] Oh that is it, just call the auto club, I'm gonna make a dash for it.

Martin

[shouting:] You'll make better time if you take the shortcut by the side of the fountain! [off Frasier's response:] Well, same to you!

Daphne

I suppose I just fall in love too fast. The minute I feel that spark, I just give my heart away.

Niles

Daphne, you must stop being so hard on yourself. What you see as a fault is also your greatest gift - to be so open, warm and loving.

Daphne

You're so kind, Dr. Crane. I'm glad we ended up like this tonight.

Niles

So am I.

Daphne

It's just so nice to be with a man you feel so comfortable with. I feel very close to you.

Niles

I feel very close to you too, Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to, when you feel close to someone... who's so close.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life!

Niles

[confused, then looks up:] Oh, the clock!

Niles

My God, it hasn't run like this in years! Maris will be delighted... Maris.

Daphne

You really love her, don't you?

Niles

You know, I do. Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.

Daphne

I hope some day some man will feel that way about me.

Niles

[staring into her eyes:] Oh... Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him.

Daphne

[laughs] That's the loveliest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thank you, Dr. Crane. You're a good friend.

Frasier

STOOOOOO-OOOP! STOOOOOP!

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

My God, have you two gone mad?! You'll regret this for the rest of your lives!

Niles

What are you talking about?

Frasier

Well, the two of you here alone, the fire, the candlelight, the nightie!

Daphne

[laughing:] Dr. Crane, you didn't think that Dr. Crane and I were... [shocked:] Dr. Crane! You have some nerve to imply that your brother would do anything so deplorable! Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people!

Daphne

[to Niles:] That didn't sound right.

Niles

Close enough.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Daphne, I didn't mean to suggest that, I didn't try to imply that...

Daphne

Well then, exactly what was it you wanted us to stop doing?

Frasier

I... wanted you to stop standing here in silence. A night like this calls for music! Daphne, please, some wine for all of us. Niles, join me at the piano, please.

Frasier

Are you sure everything's alright?

Niles

Absolutely. Frasier, my Glockenspiel is working again!

Frasier

Shall we?