And The Whimper Is...
Aired 17th February 1994 · Written by Sy Dukane & Denise Moss · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
[on-air] Just remember Angela, cosmetic surgery is only a superficial solution. You can lift your eyelids, but it can't lift that little cloud of pessimism that hovers over you. Thank you for your call. So okay Roz, who's our next caller?
Frasier
Roz? Perhaps this would be a good time to go to commercial break. We'll be right back after these messages.
Roz
Frasier? [he tilts her seat back so she can see him] Whoa! Hi.
Frasier
A little disturbing, looking in the booth and seeing no one there, isn't it?
Roz
I'm sorry, but I was up in the newsroom, trying to find out if they've announced the nominations for the SeaBeas yet.
Frasier
Oh, I forgot. Are those coming out today?
Roz
You forgot? They're only the biggest award in Seattle radio!
Frasier
Well, I suppose it's the difference in our ages, but I don't find myself getting excited about... well, much of anything anymore.
Noel
Congratulations, guys.
Frasier
YES!!! Yes, we got a nomination!
Roz
Who did you hear it from?
Noel
Oh, I haven't heard anything, I was just congratulating you on doing a great show. If anyone deserves a nomination, you guys do.
Frasier
[growling] Get out, Noel.
Noel
Okay, catch you later. [exits]
Frasier
Well I... I guess I'm a little more excited than I let on. Well, it'll be a big feather in my cap to win this, first year in radio and all that? [goes into recording booth]
Roz
Are you kidding? I've been in this business for ten years, I've never produced a show that got nominated for anything. [phone rings, she answers] Hello? Oh hi, Millie. You're kidding. You're kidding! [Frasier comes racing back] Oh, you're kidding, that's great! Thanks, bye. [puts phone down]
Frasier
We got the nomination!
Roz
No, Millie in Promotions is getting married!
Frasier
DAMN IT, ROZ!
Niles
And then she said she'd been seeing someone else. She couldn't keep living a lie. I was dumbfounded. I mean, what about everything we'd gone through together, didn't that mean anything to her?
Frasier
Niles, a patient has a right to change therapists.
Bebe
Frasier! Thank God.
Frasier
Bebe, what are you doing here?
Bebe
What kind of agent would I be if I weren't the first to tell you that you've been nominated for a 1994 SeaBea!
Frasier
[jumps up] I WAS NOMINATED! I WAS NOMINATED!
Frasier
Well, I was.
Bebe
Yes. You, Frasier Crane M.D., PhD, S-T-U-D, are the man of the hour. [notices Niles] Bebe Glaser, Frasier's agent.
Niles
Dr. Niles Crane, Frasier's brother.
Bebe
You're not a psychiatrist too?
Niles
Yes.
Bebe
Oh, please! If I'm ever to have a breakdown, let me have it now! [to Niles] Double-double decaf, to go.
Frasier
So, this, ah, this is quite a surprise, you know. Actually I'd, ah, forgotten that the nominations were coming out today.
Bebe
Oh, isn't he precious? You must be very proud of Frasier.
Niles
Well actually... no. This nomination is just one more signpost on the low road of celebrity which my brother has chosen for himself.
Frasier
Well, that's not sibling rivalry rearing its vicious little green snout?
Niles
Absolutely not. I'm still in the minority who still believes that psychiatry is a noble profession that is tarnished by such things as popularity contests, not to mention a bouncy little radio program.
Bebe
I bet you two had wicked little hair-pulling fights when you were tots.
Niles
Yes, well. This has been delightful, but I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long. [he leaves as Roz enters]
Roz
Frasier?
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier!
Frasier
Roz, Roz, Roz! [they hug and do a little dance]
Roz
We did it!
Frasier
I know! Come and sit down. You know, I've never really won anything before. Although back in prep school, the Existentialist Club once named me "Most Likely To Be."
Roz
You want to hear the greatest part? I've already got a date for the ceremony - Brad MacNamara.
Frasier
The Channel Eight reporter? "Television's Most Handsome Man."
Roz
Yes. You know, for months he wouldn't give me the time of day, but one nomination and he knew who I was.
Bebe
Who are you?
Roz
I'm Roz Doyle. Frasier's producer.
Bebe
Oh, yes that's right, I've seen you bring him coffee. By the way, would you mind getting mine?
Frasier
I'd better get myself on the ball here, I've got a lot to do.
Bebe
Oh, not really, darling. I've already got your tux, rented you a limo and your tickets will be waiting for you at the door.
Frasier
Well... seems the only thing you haven't taken care of is finding me a date.
Bebe
Your subtlety floors me, I'd love to. I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled for you both. I've got to run. Two of my other clients weren't nominated and I have to tell them what a worthless award this is.
Frasier
Daphne, you may not be aware of this, but there is a special secret to opening a bottle of champagne, especially a fine French champagne as unprepossessing as this one — two hundred dollars a bottle. In order to prevent spillage, one does not simply twist out the cork. Instead, one holds the cork stationary, you see, and then gives the bottle three easy turns. One...
Frasier
OH, GOD! Oh no, get some glasses!
Frasier
Eddie, get away from there, you mangy little cur! Oh, Lord. Oh well, that wasn't too bad, I believe we've salvaged most of it.
Martin
I'd say this calls for a toast. To my number one son. Congratulations on your first nomination for... well, anything. Frasier, I'm proud of you.
Frasier
Thanks, dad. Means a lot to me.
Daphne
Mmm. Oh, this champagne is delicious.
Frasier
Mmm. It's quite exquisite, isn't it? Dad, what do you think?
Martin
I was in the mood for something domestic.
Daphne
You know, I must say, Dr. Crane, it's awfully nice that, although I'm an employee here, you include me in all the family celebrations.
Frasier
Well Daphne, there's never been any doubt that I, I think of you as my equal in every way.
Daphne
[sarcastically] Oh, I'll get it.
Frasier
Oh, would you?
Daphne
Would you like me to announce your visitor?
Frasier
Oh, just answer the door!
Daphne
[answering door] Oh, hello Roz.
Roz
[entering] Daphne.
Martin
Roz!
Roz
Hey.
Daphne
Congratulations.
Roz
Oh, thanks. You know, I couldn't believe it myself. Brad MacNamara!
Frasier
Roz, I believe she was referring to your SeaBea nomination?
Daphne
No, I meant Brad MacNamara. Oh, do you think he wears any pants under that desk?
Roz
Not on my TV.
Frasier
Girls, can we just cut out the pajama party, please?
Roz
[to Martin] Hello, Mr. C.
Martin
[taps his cheek] Hey Roz, how's my girlfriend?
Roz
Well, [gives him a kiss] she's nominated.
Daphne
How about a glass of champagne? Apparently it's French and unprepossessing.
Frasier
Oh Daphne, save your breath. It could come out of a box and Roz would have a glass of it.
Daphne
You know, I must say, I am so proud of you, Roz, being recognized in a male-dominated industry. It's one more step forward for working women. You're a credit to our gender.
Roz
Well, thank you Daphne. Oh, that reminds me, do you have a push-up bra I could borrow?
Daphne
I'll go and look. [exits]
Roz
Thanks. [to Frasier] I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I had to show you this, Frasier. [retrieves a piece of newspaper from her bag] I've got a friend over at "Broadcast Magazine" who sent me a copy. It's a full-page ad.
Frasier
[reading] "Wendy Ashiro wishes to thank the members of the voting committee for her nomination, and hopes they consider her for the award." This is nothing but shameless self- promotion. It's in very bad taste.
Roz
I know. What are we gonna put in our ad?
Martin
Wendy Ashiro's up against you for this award? Oh, I like her, she's a cutie.
Frasier
You're not suggesting we put our own ad in this thing?
Roz
Frasier, we're falling behind. Mike Sanchez has already sent out tapes of his show.
Martin
Mike Sanchez? Oh, I like him.
Roz
And who knows what Fletcher Grey's doing?
Martin
Fletcher Grey?
Frasier
THANK YOU, DAD! [to Roz, about the ad] Well, all right, I— just as long as it's tasteful and understated.
Roz
Great. I'll call my friend, and have him work something up for us.
Frasier
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, we really want to stand out, why run another boring old ad? We should do something different, something unique.
Roz
Hey, I heard last year's winner threw a big cocktail party.
Frasier
Okay, okay, we could do that, but we should do something else, something to keep our names in their minds. You know what I mean? Uh, I know. Personalized gifts, uh, from oh, the new Tiffany's catalogue. [picks it up]
Roz
That's good. That's it.
Frasier
I saw the most incredible cigarette cases in here.
Roz
No, no. No cigarette cases, it sends out a bad message.
Frasier
Oh, yeah.
Roz
Ooh, how about a silver flask?
Frasier
No, we've already got your vote, Roz.
Martin
Hold on a minute. Look, I may not know anything about show- business, but when you start sending out gifts to people who can do something for you, that's called bribery.
Frasier
It's a simple "Thank you" for a nomination.
Martin
Well, I'm glad to hear that. [takes catalogue] Because if I had to give somebody a gift to get an award, it's not worth having. Might as well just go on down to the trophy store and buy one yourself. [throws catalogue on fire, then exits]
Roz
I really want that award.
Frasier
Me too!
Roz
Get that catalogue!
Martin
Well, you coming in or not?
Frasier
Dad, this is a big moment for me. I want to drink it in.
Martin
Me, too. Where's the bar?
Daphne
Hey, not so fast. Me shoes are killing me. I hate these shoes, I should never have let that salesgirl talk me into getting them.
Martin
They look real good on you, though.
Daphne
[brightening up] You think so?
Peterson
Dr. Crane? Bob Peterson, voting committee. [they shake hands]
Frasier
Hi, Bob.
Peterson
Look, I just wanted to wish you good luck tonight.
Frasier
Thank you, thank you.
Peterson
Oh, and uh, thanks for the bathrobe.
Frasier
Oh, it's nothing. People get out of the shower, they're cold.
Woman
Dr. Crane. Love the watch. [indicates her wristwatch]
Frasier
It's nothing, really. It's a pretty good likeness of me though, isn't it?
Daphne
Can we please sit down? I have got to sit down. [she sits at the nearest table]
Frasier
Daphne, we're at table eight. This isn't our table.
Daphne
[ripping up the card with the table number on it] It is now.
Martin
[indicating distinguished man] Hey, isn't that Fletcher Grey?
Frasier
Oh yes, I believe it is.
Martin
Oh boy, you really got your work cut out for you here. Let me tell you, that guy's a class act. I been listening to him for twenty years. You know, I don't usually do this, but I'm going over to shake his hand. [leaves table as Roz enters]
Roz
Hey, guys.
Frasier
Oh, Roz. There's my fellow nominee.
Roz
Frasier, those gifts were such a great idea. Everybody's talking about them.
Frasier
I know. Did you see the valet parking board? Half the key chains there are ours!
Roz
Look, Frasier, this is a very big night for me, so please, PLEASE don't spoil it by making fun of who I brought.
Frasier
I thought you were bringing Brad MacNamara?
Roz
Well I was, but he got called out on a story at the last minute. Some hospital went up in flames. Do you know anyone who has worse luck than I do?
Noel
Hi, Dr. Crane. [gives Vulcan peace salute]
Frasier
Oh, hi Noel. [to Roz, quietly] Noel Shempsky's your date?
Roz
Mmm-hmm.
Noel
[arrives at table and puts his arm around Roz] A tip, Dr. Crane? If you're ever nominated again, there's a metered parking block three blocks away. They don't check after six! [to Roz] Oh, here are the car keys so you can drive us home. [to Frasier] I have night blindness. [goes to table]
Roz
I wish I did.
Noel
[sits next to Daphne] Hi. I'm Noel.
Daphne
Nice to meet you. Can you rub my feet?
Frasier
Daphne!
Niles
Good evening, everybody.
Frasier
Oh, hi Niles. Listen, thank you so much for coming. I know how you feel about this award, and about coming downtown after dark.
Niles
Don't be silly. You're my brother and I wouldn't miss a gala affair like this. Hello, Daphne.
Daphne
Can you rub my feet?
Niles
Yes.
Frasier
[stopping him] Niles. So, where's Maris?
Niles
Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house, when Maris got a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror...
Frasier
Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles
I did.
Frasier
Well then, just skip it. Listen, get me a scotch, will you?
Martin
[returning] That Fletcher Grey, he's aces. Would you believe he remembered me from 1968?
Frasier
No!
Martin
Yeah, I was working on a murder case he was covering. He just looked at me and said, "Hey, you're the guy who found the head." He's been nominated for this award eleven times and he's never won it.
Frasier
Really? Jeez, I didn't know that.
Daphne
Well, I'm afraid he's just going to have to lose again, right Dr. Crane?
Martin
Well, if he does you can always cheer him up by sending him something nice from your little gift shop.
Fletcher
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Fletcher Grey!
Fletcher
Been meaning to come over and wish you luck. Even though I don't think you need it.
Frasier
Well, that's very kind. I, I hardly think I have a chance against you tonight.
Fletcher
Well you know, I hope you're right? I'd really love to win it this time. Eleven losses in a row, it's starting to get a little embarrassing.
Frasier
Oh, don't be silly. You'd have to lose fifteen, sixteen times before you'd feel the least bit ashamed.
Fletcher
Would you believe I even considered campaigning for it this year? You know, sending out gifts, throwing one on those parties. Bet you'd have something to say on your radio program about someone who's THAT self-absorbed.
Martin
I bet he could do a whole hour on it.
Mrs. Grey
Fletcher dear, they're starting to serve the salads.
Fletcher
Oh, Mom. [to Frasier] I'm sixty years old, and I'm still her little boy. Dr. Crane, I'd like you to meet my mother, Hannah.
Frasier
What a pleasure, Hannah. Nice to meet you.
Fletcher
Mom just flew in from Scottsdale. This is her eleventh year.
Mrs. Grey
I hope he wins it this time. It's getting harder and harder to get on that plane.
Fletcher
Mom, why don't you go back to the table before your legs swell up? I'll get you another Pink Lady. No, no mom, over there.
Bebe
Sorry I've been detained, dear.
Frasier
Oh hi, Bebe.
Bebe
Civilization will not advance one iota until they start putting more toilets in the ladies room.
Frasier
Oh, thank you Niles.
Bebe
[to Niles] Some champagne.
Noel
Ah, a diet root beer?
Bebe
I have to tell you that the buzz in line was that all those lovely gifts you've been sending have really paid off. It looks like you're in a neck-and-neck race with Fletcher Grey, that wrinkled old war... [notices Martin] ...rt. Hello, Mr. Crane. You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older they couldn't keep me away from you.
Martin
That's why I keep this cane.
Keith
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Would everybody please take their seats? I'm Keith Bishop, and I'd like to welcome you to the fifteenth annual SeaBea awards. Assisting me tonight in handing out the awards is Miss SeaBea 1994, Tawny Van Deusen.
Frasier
Listen Roz, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about all the campaigning we did. Did you know Fletcher Grey has been nominated eleven times and never won? He didn't lift a finger to win this thing.
Roz
Frasier, don't worry about him. Besides, he can win it next year.
Keith
Before we start this evening's program, I'd like to take this moment to make a very sad announcement. I just found out moments ago that the dean of Seattle radio, my mentor Fletcher Grey, will be retiring this year.
All
Awww...
Keith
Take a bow, Fletcher.
Keith
Well, we're gonna start things off with a bang. The award for "Outstanding Achievement For Informational Programming in Radio..."
Roz
That's us, that's us!
Keith
Whoops. Can't see a thing without my glasses.
Frasier
You know, Fletcher Grey really deserves this award. If we win, can't we just not accept it?
Roz
[grabbing him by the shirt] Listen, Frasier! I have waited ten years to get this award and if I have to crawl over Fletcher Grey's mother to get it, I'll DO IT!
Frasier
Roz, I... I've never seen you like this before.
Roz
It isn't pretty, is it?
Keith
The nominations: "Community Forum," Wendy Ashiro, talent, Mike Freedman, producer.
Keith
"Consumer Update," Mike Sanchez, talent, T.J. "Chester" Nuevo, producer.
Keith
"The Frasier Crane Show," Dr. Frasier Crane, talent, Roz Doyle, producer.
Keith
"Fletcher Grey: From Where I Sit," Fletcher Grey, talent, Fletcher Grey, producer.
Keith
And the envelope, please?
Frasier
If we win this thing, they're gonna lynch us!
Roz
So what? At least everyone will see my dress.
Keith
Well... this is a first. It seems we have a tie.
Frasier
Good. We can share it with Fletcher.
Roz
I don't want to share it! I'm already sharing it with you!
Keith
And the winners are... Wendy Ashiro and Mike Sanchez!
Frasier
What??
Roz
What!!
Mrs. Grey
What?
Martin
Well, the party's over. Are you coming home?
Frasier
No, dad.
Martin
Then I'll guess we'll just go on without you.
Frasier
Fine with me.
Martin
Listen, Frasier. I don't agree with the way you went about it, but I'm still sorry that you lost. It's never easy to lose.
Frasier
Thanks, dad.
Martin
Of course, if you were to have joined some organized sports when you were a kid, when the lessons of winning and losing could have been learned at an early age, you might have...
Frasier
DAD!
Martin
All right. Sorry, wrong time. We'll talk about it tomorrow, over breakfast. Okay, Daphne. Let's get you home, and soak your feet in some hot Epsom Salts.
Daphne
Oh, I have the life of a princess. [they leave]
Noel
Don't feel bad, Roz. it's an honor just to get a nomination.
Roz
Will you stop saying that?
Noel
Okay. I'm leaving.
Roz
Oh Noel, I'm sorry, I'm just despondent. [he waits, expectantly] ...No no, go ahead. [waves him away]
Frasier
ROZ!
Roz
Noel? Noel? I'm sorry. Thank you. I'll see you at work, on Monday?
Fletcher
How you guys doing?
Roz
Well, I've been better.
Fletcher
You know, when you feel this sting of losing, you have to realize that it all boils down to the fact that it's not about awards. It's not about accolades. It's about a body of work. If you can look at yourself in a mirror and say you've done a good job, that's all that matters. If you can do that, let the awards fall where they may.
Frasier
Wow. All those nominations, nothing to show for it, he still walks out of here with his head held high and a smile on his face.
Roz
[bursting into tears] I'm never going to get nominated for a SeaBea again!
Frasier
Oh, come on Roz.
Roz
I mean it, I'm not!
Frasier
Oh, no.
Roz
The world is full of winners and losers, and I'm just a loser!
Frasier
Aw, I wouldn't be with you if you were a loser. Come on, we're a team. Look, before we're done, we're gonna win lots of these things. You and I are amigos, compadres, okay? Now listen, I am not gonna leave your side until I see a little smile on that face.
Tawny
Dr. Crane? I really love your show, and I was just wondering, would you like to have a drink with me?
Frasier
[to Roz] Do I see the beginning of a little smile?
Roz
Oh, go ahead.
Frasier
Thanks, Roz.
Frasier
So, it's a very interesting name you have.
Tawny
You mean Miss SeaBea?
Frasier
Well actually, I, er... yeah.