Give Him The Chair!

Frasier

[on air] To start off the second hour, I would like to depart from my usual format because I recently read a book that... well, it truly just knocked my mental socks off. It's called "The Menopausal Male," and its author, the distinguished psychiatric scholar Dr. Helmut Bruga, has graciously agreed to join us today from his offices at the University of Washington. Dr. Bruga, guten tag. I've been an admirer of yours for a long time.

Bruga

[v.o.] Thank you. I enjoy your show as well.

Frasier

Really?

Bruga

Yes. Though I do not in most cases agree with your analysis.

Frasier

Back to your book. Now, we're all very familiar with the changes in the female menopause, but your research indicates...

Bruga

Excuse me, Dr. Crane. May I say hello to Roz?

Frasier

Yes, of course.

Bruga

Hello, Roz.

Roz

Hello, Dr. Bruga.

Frasier

Yes, your research indicates that the reproductive imperative is re-awakened in later life, when the man is...

Bruga

You have a very sensuous voice.

Frasier

...Thank you.

Bruga

Not you, Roz.

Frasier

Yes well, back to male menopause.

Bruga

Would you perhaps like to go to a movie or something, maybe grab a bite?

Roz

Well, that would be very...

Roz

No. No, thank you very much.

Frasier

Well, our time has just flown by. Thank you for joining us, Dr. Bruga, and for so vividly proving your point.

Bruga

You will give Roz my number?

Frasier

Oh, I think Roz has your number!

Daphne

Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne. I hope I haven't come at a bad time.

Daphne

Well, your brother isn't home from work yet, and your father's out walking Eddie.

Niles

[entering] Oh, darn the luck. I, ah, I stopped by to drop this off. [holds up a jewelry case] It's a necklace I bought for Maris, I was hoping to hide it here until her birthday.

Daphne

Well, I'm sure it'll be all right. Mind if I have a peek?

Niles

Not at all.

Daphne

Oh, my - emeralds. Your practice must be doing awfully well. Who'd have thought the mentally disturbed had this much money?

Niles

Would you like to try it on?

Daphne

Oh, I'd love to. If you don't think Mrs. Crane would mind.

Niles

Oh, certainly not. Maris is the soul of generosity. Just last week she donated all her old cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter.

Daphne

Oh, let me just get me hair out of the way.

Niles

All right, here we go...

Niles/Daphne

Oh, dear!/OOH!

Daphne

Oh, my. [puts hand down top and starts fishing for the necklace] Can you see them?

Niles

[looking] Oh yes, thank you.

Frasier

[deadpan] Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?

Niles

I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.

Frasier

Emeralds? Well, may I see it?

Niles

Not at the moment, no.

Frasier

Why not?

Daphne

It's down me blouse.

Frasier

I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Daphne

It slipped down there when I was trying it on. I'll just go extract it.

Niles

Just call me butterfingers.

Frasier

Join a health club, Niles.

Martin

Hey, guys.

Niles

Hey, Dad.

Frasier

Oh, hi, Dad.

Martin

Well, Niles. What brings you by?

Niles

Uh, Maris's birthday. I'm hiding her gift here.

Martin

Oh, it's getting that time again, huh? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.

Frasier

As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.

Frasier

Oh Dad, no, no! Not more duct tape!

Martin

Yeah. [applying a length to The Chair] I gotta repair a little split in the old throne here. You gotta catch these rips early, or they look like hell.

Frasier

You know, Dad, instead of repairing this old relic all the time, why don't we just bring the Eames down here?

Martin

Ah no, that thing's too fancy for me, I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny. [starts towards bedroom]

Frasier

[sotto voce] How about Florida?

Martin

I heard that.

Frasier

God, you know, when you think of all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.

Niles

The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?

Frasier

Yes well, it's not as simple as all that. I mean, one would have to find the appropriate moment. I mean, Dad does have his feelings, and one should consider those, and he has quite an attachment to this little chair...

Niles

You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?

Frasier

Oh, like you're not.

Niles

Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.

Frasier

Oh Niles, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. Actually, I think Maris is rather attractive - in a, a minimalist sort of way. [then] Oh, forget it, I'm just upset about the chair.

Niles

You know, Frasier, there is a perfectly sound psychological basis for getting rid of this chair.

Frasier

Oh, really? Well, enlighten me, doctor.

Niles

With pleasure. Originally, Dad needed it to bridge the transition from his old apartment to life here with you. But as with all transitional objects - be they a teddy bear, be they a thumb, be they a blankie, be they a chair...

Frasier

Stop saying "Be they!"

Niles

The point is, there comes a time when the healthy thing is to put these security objects aside and reassert your independence.

Frasier

Yes, of course. So what you're saying is that if I should, say, go down to the store and buy Dad a new chair, throw this one in the trash heap, I wouldn't be doing it for me, I'd be doing it for him.

Niles

Yes. And it would be a nice payback for the day he used your blankie to clean his service revolver. [looks at watch] Oops, I'm sorry, our time is up.

Niles

Dear God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon Hell's waiting room.

Frasier

All right, now this is not a moment for the faint of heart. We're treading a thin line here, Niles. We've got to find something that compliments my decor as well as fulfills Dad's requirements.

Frasier

Oh, dear God. Can you imagine anyone would have something like that in their living room?

Niles

It looks like someone upholstered it in golf pants.

Frasier

Excuse me, perhaps you could help us here.

Salesman

[not stopping] Yeah, perhaps.

Frasier

Well, we're looking for a chair.

Salesman

[still not stopping] We got 'em.

Frasier

Wait, wait-wait-wait! [the salesman stops]

Niles

Ideally, we're looking for something with the presence of a Mies van der Rohe and the playful insouciance of an early Le Corbusier.

Salesman

[pointing to chair at random] This one vibrates.

Frasier

Yes well, perhaps you could direct us to your recliners, preferably one in suede.

Salesman

People seem to like this "Lazy-guy."

Frasier

"Lazy-guy." I wonder what they call the deluxe model? The "Hopeless Slack-Ass?"

Niles

Oh, hey. Well, what about this one over here? [points to leather recliner]

Frasier

You know, I-I hate to admit it, but that would not look altogether hideous in my living room.

Salesman

Have a seat. This one's got Swedish massage.

Niles

Oh, ha, no thank you.

Frasier

Go ahead, Niles. Try it out.

Salesman

I'll fire it up for you.

Niles

[dusting chair before sitting] That won't be necessary. I like to sit in my chair, I don't really like to vibrate very much. No, thank you any- [the salesman switches it on] Wha-hey.... ahh... ooh...

Salesman

It also has shiatsu. [alters controls]

Niles

OHHH... I never knew a chair could be this satisfying... I never knew that anything could. I want it.

Frasier

Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris's 18th-century antiques.

Niles

Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

Salesman

So what do you think? Why don't you have a try yourself?

Frasier

Well, I don't really think that's necessary. You see, I'm buying it for my father..

Niles

No, no. You've got to sit in it.

Frasier

And who knows about other people's tastes..

Niles

You can't make a decision before you sit in it.

Frasier

Something seems as if it's not quite right, [sits] really, I just... whoa... OH, MOMMY!

Frasier

Eddie? What is the matter with him?

Daphne

He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.

Frasier

[to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Frasier

Oh. that must be Leo. Wait'll you see this.

Frasier

Come on in.

Leo

Dr. Crane, make way.

Frasier

All right, now just be careful now, Leo. Watch the furniture and the walls.

Leo

Excuse me, but I happen to be a professional. I take a lot of pride in my work, and I would never-

Leo

Whoa... how'd that get there? Hey look, at least I didn't lose my license this time, right?

Frasier

All right, all right. Quickly, quickly. I'm sure Beavis will start to wonder where you are.

Daphne

Actually Leo, as long as you're here, we're having a problem with a leaky faucet in the sink.

Leo

And where would that be?

Daphne

[as if to a child] In the kitchen, dear.

Leo

Hey, that wasn't a dumb question. You got bathrooms too, dontcha?

Daphne

None that you'll be going anywhere near.

Daphne

[re: chair] Oh, Dr Crane, it's lovely. Well, I thought the other one was nice, but this is smashing.

Frasier

Well, try it out, try it out. And it has a little surprise.

Daphne

This is comfy. Although it's a little on the soft side. I prefer... [Frasier switches it on] Hello... ohh... ohh... ohh... this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship.

Frasier

Oh, quick, quick, that's Dad. Get out, get out, get out. [pulls Daphne out of chair]

Daphne

Oh, all right. Just like a man — now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!

Martin

[entering] Hey, there.

Frasier

Hi, Dad. I've ah, got a little surprise for you.

Martin

What's that?

Frasier

It's your new easy chair.

Martin

Well... what do you know about that? Where's my old chair?

Frasier

It's down in the storage space. Come on, try this one out.

Martin

Oh look, I appreciate this, Frasier. But that - it, it... it really isn't me.

Frasier

Dad, Dad, you haven't even sat in it yet. Come on, come on, come on down, Martin Crane.

Martin

That's disgusting! No, no look, Frasier, I'm sorry, but I'm a creature of habit and I think that I'd rather have my old chair back.

Frasier

Well Dad, but why? I mean this chair's a lot more comfortable than the old one, and it's, it's therapeutic as well.

Martin

I know. It's, I just never cared for leather, you know? You stick to it in the hot weather, you can't sit in it in your shorts, it makes my back sweat. Black's hot. I, I, I, I'm sorry, I just couldn't get used to this chair.

Frasier

All right Dad, fine. The important thing is that you lived with it for a full fifteen seconds. Leo!

Daphne

Leo, we need you to bring Mr. Crane's chair back in here.

Leo

[entering from kitchen] Ah, no can do, fish n'chips. Someone took it.

Martin

What?!

Frasier

Are you saying that someone broke into my storage space and stole my father's chair?

Leo

Your storage space?

Frasier

Well, that's where I told you to put it. You did put it there, didn't you?

Leo

Oh, man. Not another day like last Tuesday.

Martin

Where's my chair, Leo?

Leo

I took it down to the dumpster, and someone snagged it. It was pretty bitchin', you know. I almost kept it myself.

Martin

[to Frasier] You threw my chair away! Are you happy now, it's gone!

Frasier

[escorting Leo out] Listen Leo, you have got to find that chair. I don't care what you have to do. Comb the entire building, search the neighborhood, just find my father's chair!

Leo

"Dump the chair," "Get the chair," "Find the chair," what am I, the building lackey?

Frasier

YES!

Leo

Oh, okay. [leaves]

Daphne

[softly caressing the chair] Well, if no one's going to want this, we could put it in my room. [sees Frasier and Martin glaring at one another] Maybe later. You two talk it over.

Martin

Well, this couldn't have worked out any better for you, could it? You've been trying to get rid of that chair from the day I moved in here.

Frasier

Dad, you could at least show a little gratitude, I didn't do this for me, I did it for you.

Martin

Like hell! [gets beer]

Frasier

Geez, you're acting like I lost the chair on purpose.

Martin

Hey, let me tell you something. That chair was the only thing that made me feel comfortable in this house - that made me feel that maybe this was my home too.

Frasier

Oh, baloney! Ever since you got here all I've tried to do is make you comfortable. I don't even know why I bothered. I mean, everybody knows Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin, he prefers duct tape!

Frasier

And food crumbs! [throws bowl of nuts onto seat] There we are! [takes Martin's beer] And let's have a little dribble of beer while we're at it! [pours can over chair] Why not? There, that's delightful! Oh, and let's not forget - to top it all off - just the slightest bit of dog hair!

Martin

I suppose you're going to be throwing Eddie out by the dumpster next!

Frasier

Oh Dad, I don't know why you're carrying on this way. We are, after all, talking about a twenty-five year-old, broken-down chair. If you don't like this chair, I'll get you another one. Any chair you want!

Martin

Really? Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the moon. And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. You know, I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair. Come on, Eddie.

Roz

Hey, Fras! How was your weekend?

Frasier

Hellish.

Roz

[not hearing him] Great! Let me tell you what happened to me. See I had this most incredible date Saturday night. It was really hot. So Sunday, I'm driving home...

Frasier

Sunday?

Roz

I told you, it was hot. So anyway, my car breaks down right in front of this church, and all the people are just coming out after the show...

Frasier

Service.

Roz

What?

Frasier

Churches don't have shows, they have services.

Roz

Can I finish my story?

Frasier

All right, all right.

Roz

Thank you. So, I walk up to the minister--is that all right?

Frasier

Mm-hmm.

Roz

And I ask him if I can use his phone. And he tells me my sweater's on inside out. One thing led to another, and we have a date tonight. Ministers aren't celibate, are they? Not that I don't love a challenge.

Frasier

You know Roz, maybe you should take a sick day sometime, call into the show yourself.

Roz

You're on the air.

Frasier

[on air] Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Now before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal. Last Saturday, my father's chair was taken from in front of the Elliott Bay Towers, and it's a runny split-pea green and mud-brown striped recliner with the occasional spot of stuffing popping out from underneath a strip of duct tape. Aas incredible as this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward for its safe return. Thank you. And now Roz, who's on line one?

Roz

It's John...

Frasier

So remember Stephanie, a little emotional flexibility is a good thing. Just as the mighty oak snaps and falls in a windstorm, so the weeping willow bends and lives to see another day. Thank you for your call. So Roz, any update on the chair?

Roz

Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.

Frasier

Really? And what are they?

Roz

Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, in the Governor's Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a spaceship from a tacky planet.

Frasier

Funny stuff, people. Well, let's just go to commercial break so you all can chuckle through these words from Yukon Lumber.

Frasier

Ingrates! I dedicate my life to clearing away their psychic debris and this is how they repay me.

Roz

[writing message] Uh-huh. Uh-huh... I got it. He'll be there just as soon as the show's over, thank you so much. [hangs up]

Frasier

What? What is it?

Roz

Frasier, I found the chair. [hands him a message slip]

Frasier

Oh, great. Oh, thank God. By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude van Damme with the other. [trudges back into his booth] Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?

Warren

Okay. Okay, that... that was nice. Um, but let's just remember there's a very fine line between good acting and hamming it up. Let's try it again.

Frasier

Excuse me?

Brown

Mrs. Warren, I can't find my moustache.

Olsen

I can't remember any of my lines, Mrs. Warren. Look, I'm really nervous.

Joey

Me, too.

Warren

Okay, people? People? Can I have you all over here for a second?

Frasier

Uh, Mrs. Warren...? [she waves him off]

Warren

This isn't Broadway, it's junior high. There's no reason at all to be nervous. We're just going to go out there tonight in front of family and friends and have some fun, okay?

Warren

[to Frasier:] If one more thing goes wrong, I'm going to have to take my own life.

Frasier

Well, if I could just have a word with you...

Warren

I'm sorry, in forty-five minutes the curtain goes up on a very shaky production of "Ten Little Indians."

Frasier

Ooh, "Ten Little Indians." I thought I recognized the mise en scene. I did this play years ago. [quotes] "On the contrary, Major. Many a psychotic killer would appear to be quite normal. You see, you can never suspect that underneath that calm exterior there lies the heart of a maniac, ah-ha-ha." Happens to be true, by the way.

Warren

Who are you?

Frasier

Oh, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

From the radio? KACL Talk... well, never mind. Listen, someone told me that my chair would be here, and sure enough here it is, so I'll just get this out of your hair.

Warren

No, excuse me, but that doesn't go anywhere. [confidentially] Right now, this chair is the most entertaining thing on stage.

Frasier

Well, I'm sure that's quite true, but you see...

Warren

Don't worry about it, honey, just run along to the nurse's office, I'm sure you'll be fine. They'll have you back here in no time! [to Frasier] I am so sick of being positive.

Frasier

Yes, but you see, you don't understand, this chair belongs to my father and I must return it to him...

Warren

Sir? You can have your chair back in two weeks.

Frasier

Yes, you don't understand, I'm in a very difficult position here.

Warren

DIFFICULT? You want difficult? I have a set that's falling apart, a leading man whose voice changed at precisely three o'clock this afternoon, AND MY NAME IS SPELLED WRONG IN THE PROGRAM! [calms down, to child ] See what I did there, Pomeroy? That's the kind of anger I need from you in the accusation scene.

Frasier

Listen, I'll give you two hundred dollars, you can get yourself a new chair.

Warren

Forget it.

Frasier

Listen, Mrs. Warren, I realize you are in an untenable position here, but I am speaking to you now from the heart. You see, by putting this chair into the trash, I have wounded my father. I realize it's just a chair to you, but to him it is a treasure trove of life memories that I have thoughtlessly discarded because I didn't like the way it looked in my living room. I have sacrificed heart and soul for form and function. Believe me, I am terribly ashamed of myself for that. This chair is the last, best chance to forge any kind of meaningful relationship with the only father I'll ever have!

Warren

[to children] People, were you all listening to that? Because you can learn a lot from this man. [Frasier looks proud] That speech he just gave is a perfect example of the kind of hammy overacting I don't want to see out of ANY OF YOU FOR THIS ENTIRE RUN!

Frasier

Now just hold on for a minute!

Joey

Mrs. Warren?

Warren

What is it, Joey?

Joey

Bobby MacDuff just threw up backstage.

Warren

Perfect. My Dr. Armstrong has opening night jitters.

Joey

No, it's not jitters. It's stomach flu. He's in the nurse's office.

Frasier

Oh well, what else can you do? You'll have to cancel the performance. Too bad. [pulling Chair off of stage] I'll just take this along with me.

Warren

I can't cancel, I have three hundred parents in their cars already.

Frasier

Well, I'm sure somehow the American theatre will survive. You can't do the show without Dr. Armstrong, he's too important to the plot. I know, that's the part I played.

Warren

You played Dr. Armstrong?

Frasier

Well, yes I... Oh, no-no-no-no-no, you're not thinking...

Warren

How badly do you want your chair?

Frasier

I-I'm sorry, it's out of the question!

Warren

You know, it would be a real shame if something...

Warren

Ooh! - happened to this chair.

Frasier

But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines.

Warren

[darkly] Then you'll fit right in!