Fortysomething
Aired 31st March 1994 · Written by Sy Dukane andDenise Moss · Directed by Rick Beren
Frasier
[on-air] Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.
Rachel
[v.o.] Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle.
Frasier
[off-air, to Roz] Oh goody, this is sweeps week! [on-air]
Rachel
You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom.
Frasier
That is a definite "Yikes."
Rachel
See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!
Frasier
All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel
Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. [sound of crockery breaking] Oops.
Frasier
Rachel, what happened?
Rachel
Oh... oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do.
Frasier
Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour. Now, we'll be right back after the news, so please join me again, Frasier Crane and my invaluable producer... ah... [ohmygod, what's her name? It's, it's...]
Roz
ROZ!
Frasier
Roz! KACL Talk radio, 780 AM.
Frasier
Roz, I'm so sorry. Your name was right there in front of me and I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Roz
Oh, forget about it. I already have.
Frasier
Well, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked into the kitchen and I just stood there. I couldn't remember what I'd gone in there for.
Roz
Don't make yourself crazy over it, it's completely normal. Oh, by the way, you hair stylist called to confirm your appointment.
Frasier
I made an appointment with Timo? I don't remember that.
Roz
That's 'cause you didn't, I was just gas-lighting you.
Frasier
That is not funny!
Roz
Oh, lighten up. Here, sign these. [hand him some forms] So aren't you gonna say it, or are you going to make me wait 'til the end of the day?
Frasier
Say what?
Roz
Happy birthday.
Frasier
It is not your birthday. [sees her stricken face] Oh, God. Oh God, it is. Oh, oh Roz, I'm so sorry! Let me take you out to lunch after work, okay?
Roz
[laughing] You are so easy!
Frasier
That's it. I'm outta here! [exits into corridor]
Roz
Hey, wait, wait, wait. Aren't you forgetting something?
Frasier
No, I am not forgetting anything, thank you, Roz.
Roz
Okay. Well, can't blame a girl for trying. Five, four, three...
Roz
Two...
Frasier
[on air] We're back.
Niles
Ten.
Martin
Fifteen-two.
Niles
No! [then] Dad, would you ask your dog to stop burrowing at my shoes? I'll have you know I had to wait six months to have these shipped for a little blind cobbler in Seville.
Martin
He won't stop until you scratch him behind the ear.
Niles
Oh, all right Eddie, all right.
Niles
You know, I'm beginning to this I have an affinity towards animals.
Frasier
Would either of you mind if I noodled at the piano for a bit?
Niles
Would it really stop you if we said "Yes?"
Frasier
Point well taken.
Frasier
That's strange. For the life of me, I can't remember what the next note is. [tries again, but stumbles at the same point] I know this piece backwards and forwards.
Niles
Perhaps if you start at the end you'll have better luck.
Martin
Oh, come on Frasier. You know how it goes. It goes, "da dada da da, da dada..."
Frasier
Oh, thank you dad. Now it's perfectly clear. [tries once more, then gives up in disgust]
Martin
That was very nice, son. Now how about something from "South Pacific?"
Frasier
I'm sorry. Just getting fed up with this nonsense. I'm forgetting names all the time. You know, last week, twice I forgot where I parked my car.
Martin
Join the club, pal. You're getting older.
Frasier
Oh, well of course I'm getting older. We're all getting older. But I'm not that old.
Niles
Oh, I'm afraid dad may have a point. I know you'd like to believe we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were. Sitting on mother's davenport in our tweeds and tans, listening to the Texaco symphonic hour. The cold-hearted reality is, you're middle-aged.
Frasier
Niles, I'm forty-one. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like fifty, fifty-five.
Niles
Only if you live to be one hundred and ten.
Daphne
I'm all ready to go, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Niles, where are you two off to?
Niles
I'm giving Daphne a lift.
Daphne
I'm meeting some of my girlfriends for darts and a couple of pints. Oh, it's best to do it in that order. Just ask Blind Willie, the bartender.
Frasier
Listen Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question here. When you look at me, um, do you see me as a young man, or as an older man?
Daphne
Oh, no. No, you don't. You're not getting me into that Vietnam. I learned a long time ago there are three questions you never answer honestly. "How old do I look?" "Do you like my hair?" and "Was it good for you too?" [to Niles] Coming, Dr. Crane? ...Dr. Crane?
Niles
I'm sorry, I was someplace else. [to Frasier] It was a warm and friendly place.
Frasier
Big surprise, I got a headache. Let me get an aspirin. The very suggestion that I'm descending into old age just because I can't remember a couple of names, or a tune on the piano.
Martin
Your arm's not quite long enough for that, is it? Let me ask you a few questions. Can you get through the night without getting up to go to the john? Can you get in and out of a chair without going "Mmmm?" Can you eat a slice of pizza less than twelve hours before you go to bed?
Frasier
[after a beat] What's on the pizza?
Martin
A-ha. I thought so. Alright, well now we've established you're middle-aged. Take some advice don't fight it, it'll go a lot easier.
Frasier
Good lord, dad, what are you suggesting? I'm gonna rush off to a plastic surgeon to get an eye lift and a chin tuck? [examines his face in a silver plate] Oh, dear god!
Martin
[looking in family album] I'm just telling you, when guys get to this stage they do some squirrelly things that they never would have done when they were younger.
Frasier
Dad, please spare me, I am a psychiatrist, I know the routine. [notices the photograph Martin is pointing to] Good lord, who is that?
Martin
That's me. In '74. Going through my own little stage. I'd dyed my hair jet black and bought a leather jacket and a Harley Davidson.
Frasier
My God, dad. You look like one of the Village People.
Martin
Well, fortunately I came to my senses before you got back from Harvard that summer.
Frasier
Are those love beads?
Martin
All right, that's enough. Just do me a favour, will ya? Keep your guard up, and don't do something stupid, all right?
Frasier
Okay, dad.
Martin
You may think it's tough being middle-aged, but think about me. I got a son who's middle-aged.
Frasier
Ahhhh...
Martin
[o.s.] I heard that!
Martin
Say, didn't this used to be Pinski's department store?
Frasier
I have no idea.
Martin
Sure it was. we used to bring you kids here all the time. Man, it was a great store. You could buy lingerie, a bag of popcorn and transmission fluid, all under the same roof.
Frasier
Finally, something I'm glad I forgot.
Daphne
Well, Mr. Crane, I believe I came here on a mission.
Martin
Alright, but remember, I don't want anything fancy or that comes in tubes. I want them white, I want them plain, and I want them boxers.
Daphne
That's the exactly the kind of lack of imagination that sunk the British Empire.
Martin
Hey, Frasier. Check out these dress pants. They got elastic panels in the waist. You could eat all you want, and never worry about cutting off your circulation.
Frasier
Milan must be beside itself. What an innovative use of synthetic fibres. I believe if you recycle these, you can turn them into milk containers.
Martin
Are you gonna get them or not?
Frasier
You brought these over for me?!
Martin
Hey, the sands of time are shifting, buddy - mostly south! Listen, if you don't want to go with elastic, maybe you could go with suspenders. That way, if you keep your jacket closed, that little gut of yours can hang down to here and nobody's any the wiser.
Frasier
I do not have a gut! [looks at himself sideways in the mirror] I have... contours.
Carrie
Excuse me. I was wondering if anyone was helping you?
Martin
[seeing Daphne] Oh, no. She's looking at something with stripes! [goes over] Daphne! Daphne, get away from there!
Carrie
[to Frasier, indicating elastic pants] You're not thinking of getting those, are you?
Frasier
Oh, no.
Carrie
I have something much better over here. [gets another pair] What do you think of these? They don't do much on the hanger but, they could really work on a nice, tall guy like you.
Frasier
Oh, you really think so?
Carrie
Yeah. You've got a great build.
Frasier
Oh, well. Thank you very much, ah...?
Carrie
Carrie.
Frasier
Ah, Carrie.
Carrie
Let's see what we can get working here. Um, [picks up sweater] This is kind of a young look, but you could really pull it off.
Frasier
...I don't really think it's me.
Carrie
Are you sure? I think this would look really good on you.
Frasier
Well, I suppose I could try it on. But you know, just out of curiosity, how old do you think I am?
Carrie
Oh, I don't want to do that.
Frasier
No, no, no, please go ahead.
Carrie
I don't know. Um... thirty-six?
Frasier
Are you serious?
Carrie
Oh, God. I'm sorry. You're probably more like thirty-four. Now you don't want to buy anything from me.
Frasier
Are those Armani shirts expensive?
Carrie
Yeah.
Frasier
I'll take two!
Carrie
Great! Changing room's right this way. You know, I love to guess what my customers do by what they wear. Let me guess. You're an architect, right?
Frasier
No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Carrie
Oh. I've taken some psychiatry courses. What are you, Freudian? Reichian?
Frasier
Well actually, lately I've been leaning more towards Jung. Guess that's because I'm "Jung at heart."
Frasier
Gotta be the oldest joke in the psychiatrist's joke book. Can't believe I said it. [goes into changing booth]
Carrie
I can't believe I laughed at that.
Frasier
I bet you laugh at all of your customer's jokes.
Carrie
No. Just the cute ones.
Frasier
...Cute jokes or customers?
Carrie
You figure it out. [leaves]
Martin
Hey, you about ready?
Frasier
Oh, just a second, dad, I'm trying on a pair of pants. Hey, did you notice that girl who came over and asked to help us earlier?
Martin
Sure I noticed her. I'm not dead.
Frasier
Well you know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago and uh, I could swear she was flirting with me.
Martin
[taking a good look at Carrie] Trust me son, she's on commission.
Frasier
Oh no, I know a sales pitch when I hear one, and that was no sales pitch. She's definitely interested in me. Think I may have to see where this may lead.
Martin
I know you're forgetting things lately, but don't you remember the little talk we had last night?
Frasier
[realizing] Oh, dear. It sneaks right up on you, doesn't it? What am I thinking about? A forty-one year-old man going out with a girl that's twenty-two, twenty-three?
Martin
Yeah. Young enough to be your daughter.
Frasier
Yes, thank you for pointing that out, dad.
Frasier
[on air] This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio, thanking you for joining us today. Up next, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe and the "Gonzo Sports Show." Until tomorrow, here's wishing you good mental health. [off air]
Bulldog
Hey, doc. Hear the great news? Ken Griffey Junior's groin pull is completely healed.
Frasier
Thank goodness. I'm sure years from now we'll all remember where we were the moment we heard the joyful news.
Carrie
Excuse me, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Hi, Carrie.
Carrie
Hi. I have your pants.
Bulldog
Whoa, doc! [honks horn] Where'd you leave them?
Frasier
They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers.
Carrie
Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again.
Bulldog
[to Carrie] Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's during ah, last year's Indy 500?
Carrie
Ah, no.
Bulldog
Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
Frasier
Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.
Bulldog
Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. [going into Roz's booth] Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I ah, drive a '94 Camaro.
Carrie
Is he gay? [Frasier looks at her, surprised] Well, I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating.
Frasier
Yes, well, I'm not sure. [smiles] But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him. Well um, thank you for the pants, Carrie, and uh, do I owe you anything?
Carrie
Oh, no. I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday, and it seemed like we had a few laughs together and, maybe we could, you know, go out and have a cup of coffee sometime?
Frasier
I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me, and uh, jeez, I think you're a beautiful young woman..
Carrie
But?
Frasier
Well it's, it's our ages. I mean, how old are you?
Carrie
Twenty-two. How old are you?
Frasier
That's not polite. I just don't think it would be appropriate for us to date.
Carrie
How about we just live together? [then] I'm just trying to lighten an uncomfortable moment.
Frasier
Right. Ha-ha. Well done.
Carrie
Well, I'm sorry. But if you change your mind you know where I am. Enjoy your pants.
Frasier
Same to you.
Bulldog
I only got a second here, but... [raps on Frasier's forehead, hard] HELLO? ANYONE THERE? [Roz enters] She wanted to go out with you. You didn't have to chase her. You didn't have to harass her. You didn't have to pay her! It was like, a miracle.
Frasier
She's too young.
Bulldog
[to Roz] Are you following any of this?
Frasier
I don't expect you to understand.
Bulldog
Great. 'Cause I don't. So you're not going out with her?
Frasier
No, I'm not.
Bulldog
Good. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her at the elevator. Maybe she's never dated a former professional hockey player before.
Frasier
You never played hockey.
Bulldog
[bewildered] It's like we're from different planets! [exits]
Roz
Talk about pathetic.
Frasier
Yes, isn't he though?
Roz
I meant you.
Frasier
Me? What, are you saying I should go out with her?
Roz
Frasier, take it from me. It's hard enough to find somebody. So when an opportunity like this comes along, you gotta grab it.
Frasier
Roz, what about the age thing?
Roz
Well, what about it?
Frasier
Oh, come on! You see an old man walking down the street arm in arm with a beautiful young girl, what do you think?
Roz
I think he must be really rich. Then I try to make eye contact.
Niles
There you are, Frasier. I'm so glad you called me.
Frasier
Well, thanks for coming, Niles.
Niles
Some of Maris's friends introduced me to the most delightful party game last night. I can't wait to share it with you.
Frasier
Well Niles, I'd really like to talk...
Niles
No, no. Shh. This first, it's a hoot. If you were stranded on a desert island with one meal, one aria, and one bottle of wine, what would they be?
Frasier
Niles, I really don't...
Niles
Frasier, please.
Frasier
Okay... A Big Mac, "I'm your Venus," and Ripple.
Niles
...If you're going to mock the game, then don't play.
Frasier
Gladly.
Niles
Are you still crabbed up about this middle-aged business?
Frasier
No. No-no-no, I'm fine there. By the way, you were absolutely right, Niles.
Niles
Ooh! I love to hear you say that.
Frasier
Yes. But I do have a problem. You see, the other day I was asked out by a... this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
Niles
That is alarming.
Frasier
Well, I turned her down.
Niles
No no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
Frasier
Niles! No, I'm just wondering if I made the right decision. You see, I would, I would love to go out with this girl. She's fantastic. I'm just afraid of looking like some old fool chasing after a young girl. Becoming a walking mid-life crisis cliché. Running around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister.
Niles
Oh, Stanley Barrister. That is embarrassing, isn't it?
Frasier
Oh, is that not beyond the pale? I mean, that girl - how old can she be?
Niles
Twenty-one, if she's a day.
Frasier
I saw them, it was last Tuesday night, together.
Niles
Well, and I saw them together Wednesday morning.
Both
Eww!
Niles
That's disgusting.
Frasier
That's what's so frightening. Well, this is what I'm afraid of. People will have the same conversation about me.
Niles
Stanley Barrister is a sixty-year-old man who wears a toupee that looks like something he pulled out of a shower drain. You are forty-one, and obviously not wearing a toupee.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. So you think it would be okay to go out with this woman?
Niles
Doesn't matter what I think.
Frasier
Well, it does to me. You're my brother, I value your opinion.
Niles
My opinion isn't relevant.
Frasier
Don't be coy, Niles. And will you please stop pursing your lips? It makes you look like one of those old women they carve out of dried apples.
Niles
[purses his lips once more, then] Don't you see? What I think about you dating a younger woman is immaterial. What we think about Stanley Barrister is immaterial. The only thing that matters is what you think. Ask yourself, if you went out with her, would you be doing it because you were running away from your age, or because you think this has the potential of becoming a meaningful relationship?
Frasier
I don't know.
Niles
Find out. And then to hell with what people think.
Frasier
Niles, you are absolutely right.
Niles
Oh! There it is again, I never tire of hearing that. Let the tongues of the doubting nabobs wag. If it feels right, make yourself happy.
Frasier
Thank you, thank you. [gets up] Oh, by the way Niles, if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you choose as your favorite meal, aria and wine?
Niles
The Coulibiliac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'Arte" from Tosca, and the [Coutre Roune Ch�teau] Neuf du Pape '47.
Frasier
You are SO predictable.
Frasier
Carrie, hi.
Carrie
Hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
Frasier
Well um, I could lie to you and tell you I came here to shop, but actually I came here to see you.
Carrie
That's great. I've been thinking about you a lot.
Frasier
Well, I've been thinking a lot about you too, and I just wanted to chat a little bit about why I thought we shouldn't go out.
Carrie
Okay.
Frasier
Well, you see, I thought I was going through a phase. You know, well, a mid-life crisis to be frank. And ah, I was afraid if I went out with you I would be trying to recapture my youth or something.
Carrie
Oh my God. I can't believe you're saying this. I was afraid that I asked you out only because I was trying to work out some stuff of my own. You know, some unresolved issues about my father or something.
Frasier
Oh no, no. Because I went back and forth, you know? I felt like a fool, and then I didn't...
Carrie
Me, too. Back and forth.
Frasier
And then I thought maybe you just came along because, to fill some sort of a need or something.
Carrie
Or, or maybe this could be something serious.
Frasier
Exactly. So... well. All right, I asked myself a few tough questions..
Carrie
Me too.
Frasier
And well, I finally came to a decision.
Carrie
Me too. I think us going out would have been really stupid.
Frasier
[forced enthusiasm] Me too!
Carrie
It would have completely clouded things with my father, and you and I would never have been on a very firm footing. But you knew all that. You could have told me, but you just let me figure it out for myself.
Frasier
Yes, I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz.
Carrie
It's no wonder everybody listens to your radio show. You're so smart.
Frasier
...Actually, I am full of crap. I had no idea that you might have been grappling with some personal issues here. Some psychiatrist, huh? The truth is, I came down here to talk you into going out with me. I guess it's still a pretty bad idea.
Carrie
You're being so honest with me... that is such an attractive quality in a man. [she hugs him]
Frasier
...Well, you know, let's not go down that road again.
Carrie
Okay.
Frasier
See you around.