Travels With Martin
Aired 14th April 1994 · Written by Linda Morris & Vic Rauseo · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
Oh look, Roz, Roz, my brochures are here! Oh, god, very exciting! Vacation!
Roz
Wow! The Golden Door Spa!
Frasier
Ooh, yes!
Roz
Look at those accommodations! That is nice!
Frasier
I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz
Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier
Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!
Roz
Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day.
Roz
I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!
Frasier
You know, it's just that when I think of the relationship I have with my dad I can't help but envy the relationship you have with your mother.
Roz
Well, it didn't just happen. We work at it, spend time together...
Frasier
Roz, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How much more time together could we spend!
Roz
Day to day living is different. You know, there is nothing better than taking a trip together. You get to have a little fun, you get to relax... you get to see a whole different side to the other person.
Frasier
You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe. It would be a way of connecting with him if I were the one to give him that. [looks questioningly at Roz] So, what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?
Niles
[moaning with pleasure:] Ahh... I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne
Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles
Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.
Daphne
Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?
Niles
She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin
I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles
That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Nieman- Marcus.
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane...
Niles
[still moaning] Oh, call me Niles!
Niles
Thank you, Daphne.
Frasier
Dad, I've had an idea and I hope you're as excited about it as I am. [opens his briefcase and takes out the holiday brochures] I want to take you on vacation!
Martin
[suspicious] Why?
Frasier
Well, I thought an adventure might do us good, give us a chance to have some fun, maybe get reacquainted, even do a little bonding.
Martin
What'd you have in mind?
Frasier
Well, this isn't about where I want to go, this is about where you want to go.
Frasier
Dad, I give you the world!
Martin
[reading one] The Galy-pay-gos islands, huh? "Where iguanas, sea-lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony." [to Frasier] Is it important they get along?
Frasier
No, I suppose not.
Niles
Oh, how about this! India and Nepal! Trek the foothills of the Himalayas!
Martin
[tapping his cane] I think you're forgetting about my old pal here.
Niles
No problem. Frasier can just hire a really tough little Sherpa to carry you on his back.
Niles
They don't mind.
Frasier
Well, we obviously haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will, we will. Dad, why don't you just suggest something?
Martin
You really want to go on a trip with me?
Frasier
Yes I do! I'll go anywhere you want to! Anywhere!
Martin
Okay. Well, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as you, but I think I should see America first!
Frasier
Great! We're Americans, we should see America!
Martin
And I want to see it in a Winnebago!
Frasier
A Winnebago! Hot damn, that has a real ring to it!
Martin
Yeah! It's something your mother and I always dreamed about doing when I retired.
Frasier
Then that is exactly the trip we are going to take!
Martin
You really mean it?
Frasier
Absolutely!
Daphne
This calls for a celebration!
Martin
Yeah, let's pop open a couple of beers! I think I've got a bag of pork rinds in here too!
Frasier
Oh, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already!
Niles
[mockingly] Oh, Winnebago Boy? Make sure to hang a lot of beach chairs on the back and give it a really cute name like... "The Whoopin' Cranes!"
Frasier
Oh, Niles. When I agreed to see America with Dad I thought we'd be staying in five-star resorts! When I said together I meant adjoining suites!
Niles
Just tell him you think it's a bad idea.
Frasier
I can't do that, he's counting on this trip too much. It was his dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom.
Niles
Yeah, but she lucked out and died! [laughs]
Frasier
[in desperation] Niles listen, listen. If Dad and I get into a Winnebago together only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
Niles
Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but THIS is an imposition!
Martin
You've got to come with us!
Daphne
Why?
Martin
Well, Frasier and I don't have anything to talk about! I always feel more comfortable when there's someone else around, or the TV's blaring.
Daphne
Then why did you suggest it?
Martin
Well, it sounded like a good idea when it came out of my mouth, but the more I think about it... I mean, can you really see me and Frasier together all day and then crawling into our bunks at Night, lying head to head... bonding? [shivers] Eew! I'll pay you! I've got pension money!
Frasier
I remember a car trip we took when I was nine? We drove from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me was, "I think we've got a problem with your brother Frasier."
Niles
Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day. The two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags... straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by... I was thirteen before I realized cows aren't blurry!
Daphne
Why don't you just tell him you don't want to go?
Martin
Oh, you heard how he wants to go. I don't want to disappoint him!
Frasier
I don't want to disappoint him!!
Niles
I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person.
Niles
Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm-not-going.
Martin
Hey, great news, Daphne's coming too!
Niles
And so am I!
Martin
It's everything I'd hoped it'd be, only better! It's like sitting in your own living room watching TV! Only it isn't TV, it's America!
Frasier
Yes Dad, it's the ultimate in virtual reality programming - actual reality.
Martin
[Looking at map] Okay, we've got a turn-off coming up in about five miles, so start slowing down.
Frasier
Righto, Dad.
Daphne
How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Manly! This is mine, and it's big!
Niles
Oh my God! It's like being sealed upright in a Formica coffin!
Martin
Remember the old days, Niles? [to Daphne] When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
Frasier
Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since...
Niles
Or speed bumps.
Martin
Okay, turnoff's coming up now, we're about four miles away, get ready, it's coming up! Alright, you're okay on the right! It's never to early to move over!
Frasier
You know, Dad, I was wondering. What inspired you to choose that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore?
Martin
Well, we've got a week off, right? That's as far as we can go in three and a half days and still make it back. We get there, get out, walk around the Valley of the Presidents, drive back, boom! Another fine landmark under our belts!
Daphne
Well, you've certainly got this trip well-planned, Mr. Crane! Whenever I take a holiday I just grab a fresh pair of knickers and see where the wind takes me!
Frasier
[noticing] Niles... Niles!
Frasier
You know, what Daphne is saying is what we should really be doing!
Martin
What are you talking about?
Frasier
Well, you know, why should we be so beholden to maps and schedules? We should roam! America has always been enchanted with the romance of the open highway. Jack Kerouac went "on the road," Buzz and Todd got their "kicks on Route 66!" The adventure is in the journey! We should just ramble!
Niles
Good golly, I'm inspired. I'm going to put on a baseball cap.
Martin
Frasier watch it, you're going to miss the turn off!!
Frasier
So?
Martin
We'll get lost!
Frasier
Lost from where? We're in a house on wheels! Wherever we go, we're home!
Martin
No! It's coming up! [tugging at Frasier's arm] It's coming up! Alright, turn here! [frantically] This is it! Turn! Turn here...! We missed it!!
Frasier
Dad, we didn't miss anything!
Martin
[horrified] Oh my God!
Frasier
We are now on the road less traveled. From now on there is a new order! We dance to the rhythm of the road.
Martin
[panicking] Alright, now don't panic! There's got to be an access road leading back onto that turn off...
Martin
Where is it? Where is it! [finds it] Oh, it's always in the crack!
Frasier
So is life, Dad.
Martin
I've got to say, I was pretty anxious, but I'm starting to like this free spirit stuff!
Frasier
[pointing out of window] Oh Dad, Dad look! There's a historical marker up ahead! Let's stop! Let's go see it, huh?
Martin
Yes, just driving wherever you feel like it...
Niles
It's educational Dad, there! There! There! There! There! Dad!
Niles
What did it say?
Frasier
I don't know. The only word I saw was "Legendary."
Niles
[spotting another attraction on the other side of the road] Oh, oh look, a roadside stand! Fresh fruit, homemade apple cider! Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad...
Both
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, DAD!
Frasier
Look Dad, you seem to be missing the freewheeling concept.
Frasier
We're supposed to go where the wind blows us, for god's sakes!
Martin
It's blowing, we're going, why are you moaning?
Frasier
[angrily] What is this obsession you have with covering a certain distance?
Martin
It's just the way I relax!
Martin
Hey, watch it! I've got my kids in the car!
Frasier
What you call relaxing seems like a man with an obsession to me! Don't you think so, Niles?
Frasier
Niles! What are you doing?!
Niles
I'm making a vacation video, something that we can look at years from now, over and over and over and over again...
Frasier
Just give me that!
Martin
Okay, you guys want to stop so bad, we'll stop. See that sign over there?
Niles
"Have your photo taken with a live grizzly bear - Marvella's souvenirs and gifts - one mile."
Martin
Yeah! I always wanted to have my picture taken with a bear!
Frasier
Well, some dreams cannot be denied! [looking into the passenger side view mirror] Okay dad, alright, you're good here, you're good on my side, dad. Alright, just go ahead, ease it right over, it's never to early to change lanes... [realising what he is saying] Oh my God, it must be genetic.
Marvella
Get your dog away from my bear! I just had him cleaned!
Daphne
He's stuffed!
Frasier
You know, your sign said "a live bear."
Marvella
It's an old sign.
Martin
[looking at picture behind bear] Would you look at that view! It's like we're really there!
Frasier
Yes, but if we were actually there dad, we'd be whizzing past at fifty miles per hour!
Niles
Oh Frasier, look! It's the gourmet food department!
Frasier
Oh! Homemade deer jerky!
Niles
[reading notice with a sarcastic laugh] No sampling...
Frasier
No problem!
Martin
Okay! [to lady] Excuse me! Would you take our picture, please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here! Okay, everybody, alright, here we go! Everybody ready? Now, what should we do?
Frasier
Well, how about this? [he puts his hands up and opens his mouth wide as if he's scared of the bear]
Martin
Yeah! That's great, I like that! Okay, everybody! Eddie?
Marvella
Now, before I take it, you know it's ten dollars Canadian.
Frasier
Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?
Marvella
Okay, one...
Daphne
Why would she want Canadian dollars?
Marvella
Two...
Martin
Because we're in Canada.
Marvella
Three!
Daphne
We're in Canada?!
Martin
Yeah, we crossed the border a while ago, when you were taking a nap.
Daphne
But we can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the United States!
Frasier
Why?
Daphne
Because I don't have my green card yet! Oh, this is just perfect! Three months until my final interview, the one thing they told me not to do was to leave the country! And what do you do? Wait until the first time I fall asleep and drag me across the bleeding border! They're never going to let me back in!
Niles
They have to take you back, it's not your fault. [He crosses to comfort her]
Frasier
[to Martin] This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today!
Martin
Well, you're the one who had to go where the wind blows!
Daphne
Never mind whose fault it is, I'm stuck here! What am I going to do?
Niles
We'll just go to the authorities and explain. I'm sure mishaps like this happen all the time.
Martin
Oh, get real Niles, they've got the rules!
Frasier
Oh, then what's your solution dad?
Martin
Just sneak her back across the border.
Niles
That's called smuggling!
Martin
[very sarcastically] Oh, thanks Niles. I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't know the technical term!
Frasier
Dad, I can't believe that you of all people, a former policeman, are actually suggesting that we commit a felony!
Martin
Oh, I cross this border plenty! Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the guards just peek in the door and wave you through. It's no big deal. Now let's get out of here!
Niles
Well, what if they pull us over?
Martin
Then Daphne's just got to convince them that she's an American.
Daphne
Bloody right! It beats having me bum bounced back across the pond! Let's give it a bash.
Frasier
Oh, yes. This is foolproof...
Niles
I'm about to defraud the United States Immigration Department. Not just me, my father and my older brother. People who should be role models for me. It's not my fault; I'm the product of a bad environment.
Martin
[to Daphne] Now listen, on the off chance that the guard asks you a question, can you say anything in an American accent?
Daphne
[in a poor imitation of a U.S. accent] Sure.
Martin
Okay, what?
Daphne
You just heard it!
Martin
What?
Daphne
[repeating the accent] "Sure." That's it, that's all I can say! [Martin looks horrified] Oh, I need a cup of tea!
Frasier
TEA! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing, "God save the Queen"!!
Niles
Don't you snap at her, Frasier, you're a psychiatrist. You should be in better control of your emotions. [panicking] Oh my God, there's the border! I can see the line of cars!
Martin
Alright, now everybody calm down, we're going to be fine. Just remember that they'll be looking for suspicious behavior. [Niles is rocking back and forth with his head resting on his arm.] Niles, that qualifies! Alright, now if the guard pokes his head in here, what did we say he's going to see?
All
Four carefree Americans.
Daphne
I've never been so nervous.
Frasier
I don't think there's any need to be. They're waving everyone through... they're not even asking any questions!
Niles
Oh, please, please, please!
Frasier
They're waving us through... they're waving us through... they're pulling us over... they're pulling us over!
Martin
Here comes the guard.
Daphne
I can't do this.
Martin
Now everything's going to be fine, don't worry. Just remember to keep your answers short. People who have something to hide always talk too much.
Guard
Hi, folks.
Martin
Hi, there!
Guard
Have a good time in Canada?
Martin
Oh, great!
Frasier
Canada, wow!
Guard
[to Niles] What was the purpose of your trip to Canada, sir?
Niles
Fun.
Guard
[after an equally long pause] I see. [to Frasier] And where were you born, Sir?
Frasier
Seattle, Washington. Oh, you want to know what country? Oh, well, America! Of course! I'm quite an American really, I vote all the time, and always for the law and order guy! I...
Guard
That's fine, sir, I don't need any more details. [To Daphne] And you, Miss? Did you enjoy Canada?
Daphne
[In her ever-so-convincing accent] Sure!
Guard
And the weather?
Daphne
Sure, sure!
Guard
[To Frasier] Is this your vehicle Sir?
Frasier
Oh, no. Yes, yes! Well, I rented it! It's American-made, you see, I always look for that union label...
Guard
I just need your license and registration.
Frasier
Oh, right, uh, it's right here in this little side pocket. There's the registration. Let me get my license out for you... oh, yes, here we are!
Guard
Stay right here.
Martin
[sarcastically] Well, I can certainly depend on my gang, can't I?
Niles
[standing] That's it. I'm going to be arrested!
Daphne
We're all getting arrested!
Niles
Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me!
Martin
Cool it, Niles.
Daphne
It's too late to turn back! I say we make a run for it.
Frasier
Oh yes, great idea! A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! It'll make an amusing anecdote for the border guard newsletter!
Martin
Now will everybody just shut up? You keep babbling like this they're going to catch us for sure! [looks out of window] He's coming back!
Guard
Well, these check out.
All
Well, glad to hear that...
Frasier
All strictly on the up and up...
Guard
Miss, you've been very quiet. Is there something I should know here?
Guard
You seem awfully nervous. May I have your name, please?
Martin
Oh, alright. I guess I should have known better than to try something like this
Niles
[standing] Dad, don't!
Frasier
It was just a mistake!
Guard
[to Niles and Frasier] You men just want to back off? [to Martin] What is it you want to say, sir?
Martin
We were trying to pull one over on you. Eddie?
Martin
We don't have a rabies certificate for the dog.
Guard
I knew something was going on here.
Martin
Yeah, well you see, we weren't planning on coming here, and when we got to the border we just forgot all about it.
Niles
I for one, didn't even know that you needed one.
Frasier
Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense so take the little dog away and we'll be off!
Martin
[casting Frasier a very evil look] Look, this is my fault. If you're worried that we picked the dog up here in Canada, well we didn't. I mean I've got a picture I can show you. Here's a picture of him taken at the Seattle Space Needle.
Guard
I see you've got a badge there.
Martin
[with mock surprise] Oh, yeah!
Guard
Are you a policeman?
Martin
Retired. Thirty years on the Seattle police force. Me of all people should know better, huh?
Frasier
Absolutely.
Niles
Definitely.
Daphne
[still with accent] Sure.
Guard
Next time remember the rabies certificate. Have a safe trip home.
Martin
Thanks, officer.
Frasier
Thank you.
Martin
Drive!
Frasier
[to Eddie] They would have returned you eventually! So dad, how long 'til we get home?
Martin
About two hours. This highway goes right into Seattle. Why don't you lean back, take a little nap?
Frasier
Oh no, I'm okay. I though maybe we'd chat a little bit.
Martin
Oh yeah, great!
Martin
You know Frasier, I just can't help it. When we're alone together I just don't know what the hell to say. I'm sure you figured out that's why I asked Daphne to come along.
Frasier
Well, I had my suspicions but I hoped that wasn't the case.
Martin
Oh, knock it off. That's why you asked Niles to come along too.
Frasier
That's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.
Martin
You know, the funny thing, we didn't have such a bad time, did we? [they both laugh again]
Frasier
[imitating guard and Martin] "I see you've got a badge there..." "Oh, yeah!"
Frasier
You know dad, there's no reason for us to cut our trip short. According to this map we're not that far from Yellowstone.
Martin
Oh, I always wanted to see Old Faithful!
Frasier
Me, too!
Martin
If you wanted a real adventure we could drop these two sleeping beauties off at home first.
Frasier
You mean it? Just the two of us alone?
Martin
Yeah!
Frasier
Just you and me, father and son!
Martin
Yeah! You and me, camping out in Yellowstone, all alone!
Frasier
All by ourselves!
Martin
Well, you know, it'd be an awful shame if Daphne didn't get to see those Indian paint pots...
Frasier
Yes, of course.
Martin
They are a real miracle of nature.
Frasier
Yeah. Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles just to ramble around that old house all by himself.
Martin
Maris out of town? That'd be cruel.
Frasier
Yeah, absolutely. So, how long do you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?
Martin
Well, if we drive all night we'll be there tomorrow.
Frasier
It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake up in the morning.
Martin
I've got a better surprise than that: let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico!