Author, Author

Waitress

Here you go Doc, your usual.

Frasier

My usual. How lovely it is to have a usual. [tastes it] What is this?

Waitress

Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.

Frasier

Ah, no, no, no, that's my brother's usual. Mine is the double Kona with cream.

Niles

[entering:] Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you.

Waitress

[to Niles:] Your usual, Doc?

Niles

Please. [she hands Frasier's to Niles, then he carries on:] Thank you!

Frasier

Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today. Problem?

Niles

I'm meeting my publisher here in five minutes. Remember the book deal I signed last month, the one you were so jealous of?

Frasier

I wasn't jealous of it, Niles, you just wanted me to be jealous.

Niles

It's all moot anyway, the deal's about to be killed. It turns out the idea I sold them had already been done. They gave me until today to think up an alternative and I've got bupkes. I've got less than bupkes. I've got what bupkes keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket!

Frasier

Can't you just ask for an extension?

Niles

No, no, I've asked for two already.

Niles

Oh God there he is. Sam, so good to see you.

Sam

Niles.

Niles

Sam Tanaka, my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

My pleasure. [the waitress brings Frasier's coffee]

Sam

Nice to meet you.

Niles

Sam, would you like a coffee?

Sam

[points to Frasier's cup:] Oh, I'll have what he's having. [Niles takes Frasier's cup and gives it to Sam.]

Niles

So you shall.

Frasier

[to waitress:] One more, please.

Sam

Wait a second, you're the doctor from the radio, aren't you?

Frasier

Guilty as charged.

Sam

I listen to your show all the time.

Frasier

Well, thank you.

Sam

I never put it together that you two of you were brothers.

Niles

All our lives. [laughs]

Sam

Well, you two must have incredible insight into sibling relationships.

Frasier

No more than your average psychiatrist brothers. [laughs]

Sam

So Niles, what's your idea?

Niles

[nearly crying:] My idea... Well Sam, you know I've given it a lot of thought, and it's not easy...

Sam

You'd almost think there's a book in that.

Niles

In what?

Sam

Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling relationships.

Niles

That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher in the greater Seattle area. That is exactly the idea we were going to pitch to you.

Frasier

What? I hate to interrupt...

Sam

Terrific! Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date so I can take you two out to celebrate.

Niles

Well, we were going to write today, but OK.

Frasier

Niles, what the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a book. For God's sake, I'm out of here.

Niles

Frasier, I know it's asking a big favor. I mean, I know you're busy. But I want you to know that all of my life I've dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalogue and see my name under "mental illness" - the day I could finally feel what you feel; that I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist in a grey pinstripe suit.

Frasier

Oh Niles, I...

Niles

Come on! We haven't collaborated on anything together since we wrote the spring musical in prep school.

Frasier

Well, it was well received. And it did get us out of gym class.

Niles

It could be like that again.

Frasier

I don't know, Niles...

Niles

Ump-da, ump-da, ump-da, da-da-da, ump-da, ump-da, ump-da...

Niles/Frasier

[singing:] Though some boys go to college, But we think they're all wussies, �Cause they get all the knowledge, And we get all the... [dancing in a circle] Ump-da, ump-da, ump-da, da-da-da, ump-da, ump-da, ump-da...

Frasier

Alright, I'll do it!

Niles

Yes!

Frasier

Dumas frere.

Niles

Dumas frere.

Martin

Hello Niles, what are you doing over here?

Frasier

Oh Dad, I told you it's our first writing session tonight.

Martin

But I thought you were doing it over at Niles's house.

Niles

Er, we were supposed to. Unfortunately, it's Maris's turn to host her sherry tasting group and things tend to get a little raucous when she does.

Martin

But "The Silencer"'s on in twenty minutes.

Frasier

Dad, I've solved that problem.

Frasier

I've bought you these headphones, see? You'll be able to listen to the TV, without disturbing Niles and me as we work.

Martin

What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?

Frasier

He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out, Dad.

Martin

[shouts:] Hey, not bad! [watches the TV]

Niles

Very clever solution.

Frasier

Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a lot. Watch this.

Frasier

Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?

Niles

Hey Dad? Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour! [they laugh again]

Frasier

Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember-

Martin

[obviously hearing:] Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.

Martin

This is great, thanks a lot. [puts earphones around Eddie's neck] You better watch out for this for me, Eddie. I'm going to get myself a little snack. Who wants some beer?

Frasier

Just you! Alright now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate.

Niles

[poised at the keyboard of his laptop] OK, here we go. Chapter One. Page One. Paragraph One. I'm indenting!

Frasier

I hate to squash your enthusiasm, but don't you think before We start actually typing the book, we should discuss what the book is going to be about!

Niles

Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it, I'm jazzed. You know we have to approach this book from a completely different angle from all of our previous writings, our dissertations, out theses...

Frasier

Hmm, that's right. Yeah, this has to be interesting!

Niles

Well, the obvious approach is case histories. We'll fill the book with anecdotes with brothers and sisters we've dealt with in our practice.

Frasier

Yes, and if we throw in a few references to heaving bosoms, we're bound to make Book of the Month Club.

Martin

Why, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys you could throw in there.

Niles

That's an idea, we could use ourselves, it would make a delicious introduction to our book.

Frasier

I like the introduction idea. Dad, OK, give us a story which depicts little Frasier and little Niles at their conflicted best.

Martin

Oh, that has to be when we went trout fishing up at that lake whats-its-name. Boy, you guys were at it tooth and nail.

Niles

This is good, this is interesting.

Martin

Now, what was the name of that lake again.

Frasier

Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.

Martin

Indian word, Lake Whatchahatchi?

Frasier

Dad, you're missing the point here.

Martin

[ignoring:] Oh, your mother would know. Too bad she's dead! Er, whatacouchi, whatawoochi. It was an Indian word, it meant "Land of a thousand..." No! This is driving me nuts! I'm going to have to go in there and look it up.

Frasier

Dad, we just wanted the story!

Martin

No, it's alright. Now where the hell did I put my atlas? [leaves]

Frasier

Quite a resource, isn't he?

Niles

Alright, we'll just put the introduction on hold.

Frasier

Okay, back to case histories. Well, I suppose I could go take my files out of storage after the re... [thinks of something] Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?

Niles

You have an idea?

Frasier

No, [sarcastically:] I'm actually asking you if there's a light bulb over my head! Of course I have an idea, it's my radio show. I mean, what better source of case histories can there be? I'll just ask my listeners to call in with their personal stories of sibling conflict, and you could be my guest on the show.

Niles

So, what you're suggesting, is that exploit your listeners' lives for our own personal game?

Frasier

In essence, yes. What do you think?

Niles

I think it's borderline sleazy. Let's go for it!

Frasier

Hello, Roz.

Roz

Hey, Frasier. What's your brother doing here?

Frasier

He's going to be my guest on the show today.

Roz

Oh, no! I don't think so! I am the producer, and I approve all the guests. This wasn't run by me and I do not approve him!

Frasier

OK, Roz, bye-bye, have a good show.

Roz

Okay, okay. But I won't make him coffee, I won't run his Errands and I'm not taking any of his crapola. [through mike:] Hey, Niles, welcome aboard. [to Frasier:] Five seconds till air.

Frasier

[into booth with Niles:] OK, Niles, sit down, take a deep breath and try not to spit on the mike! [ on air:] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a very special guest with me today - my brother, the eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.

Niles

Hello, Emerald City! What's doing, what's happenin'?

Frasier

[off air:] What the hell do you think you're doing?

Niles

That was my radio persona. Every successful radio personality has one.

Frasier

I don't.

Niles

My point exactly.

Frasier

Just try to be yourself, will you? [on air:] Our topic today is siblings: what makes you love them, what makes you hate them…

Niles

What little things do they do that especially annoy you? These could be things from your childhood OR they could things from your adolesence, OR they could be things from your young adulthood OR...

Frasier

They could be things that are going on right now! Roz, who's our first caller?

Roz

We have Donald from Bainbridge Island. He hasn't spoken to his brother for over twenty years.

Frasier

Hello, Donald.

Niles

I'm listening!

Frasier

We're listening!

Laura

[v.o.] I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane, I cried for two hours straight.

Frasier

So, you were completely bald.

Laura

Yes, the perm destroyed my hair. I was sure my sisters were going to laugh at me. But, they all kissed me and then they marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads too, just so I wouldn't feel like a freak.

Frasier

Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle - the miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving. Well, that's about all the time we have. I'd like to thank my brother Dr. Niles Crane for being here today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.

Niles

A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year. [Roz hides a grin]

Frasier

This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be back tomorrow. One Crane flying solo.

Niles

Frasier, we have hit the mother lode. We've got enough information here for two volumes! I must aplogise for ever criticizing your radio program.

Frasier

Oh, it's all water under the pont-neuf.

Roz

[peering round:] I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon, but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.

Frasier

[presses button] Oh, hello Sam, you're on speakerphone.

Sam

I caught the show today, fellas.

Frasier

You did! And?

Sam

Jackpot! [Frasier and Niles make ecstatic faces at each other] How's the writing coming?

Niles

Oh, incredible, it's just falling like water. We've got, what, two or three chapters already.

Sam

That's good to hear, because I just got off the phone with Reader's Digest. They're interested in the serialization rights. I need first few chapters to give them a taste, can you fax them right over?

Frasier

Well, Sam Of course we could, but you know, they're a little rough, Sam.

Sam

No problem, you've got till Friday to polish them up. You can do that, right?

Niles

Absolutely!

Frasier

Friday's fine!

Sam

Terrific, I love you guys! [hangs up]

Frasier

My God, what are we going to do?

Niles

Well now, let's remember we have all this material and now it's just a matter of putting it all together.

Frasier

It's due on Friday!

Niles

We'll settle down and do it by [stressed:] Friday!

Frasier

Wait, wait, I just remembered a story about George and Ira Gershwin when they had to meet a deadline. They would lock themselves in a hotel room, free from distractions, and not come out until their task was complete.

Niles

Brilliant! If we get hot we'll not only finish this volume but we can write another chorus to "Betsy Who Is My Woman Now."

Niles

It's clean, it's sparkling, [re: paintings on walls] it's mass-produced art, it's totally devoid of charm - it's perfect. Let's get to work.

Frasier

I'm with you, mon frere. We cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of a blank page. All we need to get a good start here is... Room Service!

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

Niles, you're right! All we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self awareness and discovery.

Niles

[typing] Frasier, while you were out there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough. Voila! Our opening sentence!

Frasier

[reading:] "From Romulus and Remus to the Le Nain Sisters, sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate throughout the world." [thinks] Interesting.

Niles

You like it?

Frasier

Well, I said it was interesting. The task ahead of us now is to decide whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good one.

Niles

You're just being negative because you didn't think of it first.

Frasier

No! In truth I'm not. I never cared for Romulus, I never cared for Remus and the reference to the Le Nain Sisters is from the friggin' moon.

Niles

Well, alright, if you can do better, please be my guest.

Frasier

I will.

Niles

My fingers are poised over the keys... I'm waiting.

Niles

I'm still waiting!

Frasier

Alright, alright, put this down! "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest."

Niles

That actually sounded good to me.

Frasier

Well, put that in there.

Niles

[typing:] "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest, while still respecting each other's boundaries."

Frasier

What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries?

Niles

I was just finishing the thought.

Frasier

The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing, for God's sake. Now it's a run-on sentence.

Niles

I think it's much better this way.

Frasier

Well, I don't!

Niles

Well, I'm at the keyboard.

Frasier

Alright then, let me type!

Niles

No, I can only write at the keyboard.

Frasier

Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except to ruin a perfectly good opening sentence.

Niles

[mad:] I was merely finishing it, it was an incomplete thought.

Frasier

You're an incomplete thought! What happened to the iced tea?

Niles

I finished that too!

Frasier

Niles, I've just had an epiphany.

Niles

Oh wonderful, we could use a second sentence.

Frasier

No, it's not for the book. I've just realised why so many writers become bloated alcoholic suicides. [Niles types] No, don't type that in.

Niles

I'm not, I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar. We now owe... two hundred thirty-two dollars.

Frasier

[looks out of window.] Oh, Dear God!

Niles

Well, you're the damn fool that ate the whole jar of Macadamia nuts!

Frasier

No, it's dawn. It's Friday! Oh Niles, why don't we just admit it. We can't work together, there's never going to be any book!

Niles

[brushing up hair:] Not with that attitude, there isn't.

Frasier

Oh, will you get off it! Come on, the fat lady has sung! The curtain has been run down here. I'll type it for you in capital letters! [he does]

Niles

[reading:] "IT'S UVER?"

Frasier

Let's just go home.

Niles

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so easily. It's not your dream, after all. Why should it be, Mr. Bigshot Radio Host?

Frasier

Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about, huh? You're jealous of my celebrity?

Niles

It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just [angry:] FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!

Frasier

You're crying about something that we can't change!

Niles

Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!

Frasier

Oh, let it go, Niles!

Niles

I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! I'm the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, my research is well respected in academic circles, four of my patients have been elected to political office, but it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier

I do not have a fat face!

Niles

Oh please, I've been wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter!

Frasier

Well, at least I'm not SPINDLY!

Niles

Who you calling spindly, Fat Face?

Frasier

You, Spindly.

Niles

Fat Face!

Frasier

Spindly!

Niles

Fat Face!

Frasier

Spindly!

Niles

Fat Face!

Frasier

You take that back!

Niles

You make me.

Frasier

I will make you.

Niles

I don't see you making me.

Frasier

Well, here's making you...

Niles

OW!

Niles

[levering Frasier's chin] Here's your fat face! Gimme that-

Frasier

Gimme that-

Frasier

Niles! Niles! Stop it! We're psychiatrists, not pugilists!

Frasier

I can't believe you fell for that! [seizes Niles in a headlock]

Niles

My God, my God, I'm having a flashback: you're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier

YOU STOLE MY MOMMY!

Frasier

Oh my God, oh my God. Niles, I've gotta get out of here. This entire idea has been a fiasco since the start. It's the stupidest idea you ever had, I should never have agreed to it! Goodbye!

Frasier

Morning, all.

Martin

Morning.

Daphne

You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Why shouldn't I be?

Martin

Well, it's going to rain again, jobless rate's up, [Frasier bites into a muffin] and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

Daphne

Oh, I'll get it.

Frasier

Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one that realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his response.

Martin

Have you talked to your brother yet?

Frasier

[going to kitchen] I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

Daphne

[answering door to Niles] Oh, hello Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello Daphne, [walks in] Dad.

Frasier

What are you doing here?

Niles

[to Martin:] Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.

Martin

What makes you think I know where he is?

Niles

Tell him, he owes me half this hotel bill. Tell him I'll accept cash but no personal checks, as I know he has trouble writing things!

Frasier

I'm not paying any of this!

Niles

So, you're cheap as well as intellectually barren.

Frasier

And you're a no-talent hack.

Niles

And you look stupid in a t-shirt!

Martin

Alright, that's enough. Sit down and listen to me. Sit down. [they do.] I never had a brother, but I had a partner once, my first, Mitch Gussy. Big bear of a guy, arms like tree- trunks. Mitch and I would go to ball games together, we'd play cards, and this was after work with eight hours together...

Frasier

Dad, that's all very nice...

Martin

Just listen to me. Three months into our partnership, Gus and I got assigned to a stakeout. Three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together. Sitting up, drinking too much coffee. It didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves.

Niles

Because he was a big, egotistical fat-face?

Martin

Because we were human. He didn't like this about me, I didn't like that about him, so it got ugly. When the stakeout was over Gus requested a transfer and that was fine by me. Three months later, he was stabbed after breaking up a bar fight. By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late.

Martin

Take what you want from this story, guys. All I know is, it ain't worth it.

Daphne

[runs to the kitchen, crying:] Excuse me, I need a hanky.

Martin

Isn't there something you'd like to say to your brother?

Frasier

Yes Dad, I suppose there is. [holding the muffin Eddie licked:] Niles, would you like a muffin?

Martin

Frasier!

Frasier

Alright! Niles, sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man, and you stand second to no-one.

Niles

Thank you Frasier. The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you.

Martin

Alright, enough of this mushy girly stuff. Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder and be done with it.

Frasier

Oh, what the heck!

Martin

What are you crying about?

Daphne

I just keep thinking about poor Gus, it must be so hard on you carrying all that pain around.

Martin

There was no Gus, I just made him up.

Daphne

What?!

Martin

Well, at least there's one good writer in this family.