Frasier Crane's Day Off
Aired 12th May 1994 · Written by Chuck Ranberg & Anne Flett-Giordano · Directed by James Burrows
Skyline
The Seattle sky line is drawn with no extras.
Frasier
Gee, I'm sorry, Blake. When I told you to close your eyes and visualize that you were on a tropical island, I didn't realize you were calling from your car phone.
Blake
[v.o.] That's OK, Doc. At least I know my airbags work.
Frasier
[laughs uncomfortably] Well, I'm glad you're alright. And thank you for your call.
Frasier
Well, look who's popped into the booth! It's Gil Chesterton, KACL's own food critic - which means, it's my cue to hit the road. So, till tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you... [starts to sneeze] a good day... [sneezes] and-and good health.
Gil
[motherly] Hey, Frasier!
Frasier
Hello, Gil.
Gil
I heard you coughing on the air earlier today. Sounds like you might be coming down with something. So I had this sent over from Rosenthal's Deli. [hands Frasier a white paper bag] Chicken soup, so lovingly prepared even the chicken gets well.
Frasier
Thank you. That's very kind.
Gil
And of course I'd never forget you, Roz. [hands her a smaller bag] Some ladyfingers, that have been soaked in rum.
Roz
Mmm!
Frasier
Much like her own.
Gil
I say, I hope this isn't the start of that nasty flu that's going around. You want to take a couple of days off, nip it in the bud, I'd be happy to cover your time slot for you.
Frasier
No, no, thank you. I'll be fine tomorrow.
Gil
Okey-dokey. But, uh... feel free to call me if you change your mind.
Roz
Mmm! Plump, gooey, and guaranteed to rot your teeth.
Frasier
Yes. I don't like his phony British accent much, either.
Roz
You sure got a bug up your mind about Gil. What's your problem?
Frasier
I just don't trust him. Nobody's that nice unless they want something from you.
Roz
He's just a generous person.
Frasier
Oh, yes! [getting up and following her] He was very generous to Bonnie Weems! Bought her a case of wine, asked her to let him have her timeslot when she was off on vacation. When she got back, she had been banished to the midnight to four a.m. slot!
Roz
What are you saying? He's trying to take our timeslot?
Frasier
I'm just saying we should watch our backs. How would you like to work from midnight to four a.m.? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours! [smirks]
Roz
You're just being paranoid.
Frasier
No, I'm not. [returns to his booth]
Roz
[following him] Yes, you are! The man brought you some chicken soup. It does not mean he wants your timeslot. Besides, why would he be bribing us? He'd be bribing the higher-ups, they're the ones who make the decisions!
Gil
Frasier! [sees the first bag] Oh good, it's still here. I'm so sorry. This is your soup. [hands him the bag in his hand and takes the one off the console] This is the Lobster Newburg I bought for the station manager's cat.
Frasier
I'll see you tomorrow, Roz.
Daphne
Oh, here's a gruesome bit. A partly-decomposed body just washed up in Puget Sound!
Martin
Hey, that's good news!
Daphne
[shocked] I beg your pardon?
Martin
Bodies don't rise till the weather gets warmer. You get your first floater, and spring's just around the corner!
Frasier
[listlessly] Morning, Dad, Daphne.
Martin
Frasier, you sound awful!
Frasier
[unconvincingly] It's just a little bug.
Daphne
But you can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!
Martin
And coming from an English person, that's bad!
Frasier
Don't worry, Dad. As you've often said, "if you can walk, you can work." Took kind of an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip!
Martin
Well, at least I had a real job. Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves! If you don't show up, who's going to notice?
Frasier
Well, I'm out of here.
Daphne
But you're burning up! You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
Frasier
[shrugging into his coat] Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Daphne
Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.
Martin
[folding his arms] Well, that's going to look pretty against the glass in your booth! Why don't you just stay home?
Frasier
Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you. But I'm a physician. I believe that I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine! Fit as a fiddle!
Frasier
[whining] I'm sick...!
Gil
And we're back, with "Restaurant Beat." This is Gil Chesterton and I'm filling in for Dr. Frasier Crane. We're here talking to Louis, who has forgotten that tonight is his tenth anniversary. Well, Louis, I believe I've saved your proverbial derriere! During the commercial, I managed to secure you a private booth at Maximillian's. Just promise me for dessert you'll have their Schwarzw�lder Kirschtorte.
Louis
The... the what?
Gil
The Schwarzw�lder... [condescendingly] well, maybe you'd better stick with the rainbow sherbet.
Louis
I don't know how to thank you. You saved my marriage!
Gil
No, don't thank me! I'm only here tonight because our dear Dr. Crane is home with the flu.
Gil
[on radio] If you're listening, Doc, all of us here at KACL want you to get better soon.
Frasier
[mumbling around the thermometer] I just bet you do.
Daphne
Time to check if the turkey's done. [she takes out the thermometer]
Frasier
Dad, you know, you don't have to sit in here with me all day.
Martin
Oh no, no problem. You need company when you're sick. You never know when you're going to croak.
Daphne
Oh, boy. Your temperature is up there - one hundred and one! You are a sick boy.
Frasier
Thank you for reminding me, Daphne.
Martin
Naw, I remember the sickest I ever was. They'd shipped us back from Korea. I got this Oriental parasite, that was building its own little pagoda right in my colon...
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.
Daphne
You know, you might try some of my homeopathic tea. It'll flush out your system, and it'll also make your hair more shiny and manageable.
Frasier
No, no thank you.
Martin
Oh, no! That wasn't the sickest I was. It was that time Your mother and I took that trip down to Mexico. I was real careful about the water, and then I ate this piece of lettuce. Next thing you know, I'm spewing both for accuracy and distance. I spent the night curled up on the stone floor, screaming, "I want to die, I want to die!"
Frasier
Wouldn't that have been a tragedy? You wouldn't be here with me now!
Martin
OK, I get the point. I'll give you a little peace and quiet here. [gets up and starts to leave] Oh, no! What was I thinking of? What about the time your mother left the potato salad in the trunk of the car? I'm still sick from that one!
Daphne
[pleasantly] Is there anything else you need?
Frasier
A little more ginger ale, please.
Daphne
Very well, then.
Frasier
Oh Daphne, this time make it shaved ice, not cubes. And I don't like those straws. Can I have the bendy kind? And the saltines, they're too salty. I need the low-sodium.
Daphne
Your wish is my command.
Niles
Hello, Daphne. Is he in pain?
Daphne
Not enough.
Niles
Frasier, I brought you something.
Frasier
Niles! Put the hanky down, for God's sake! It's not the plague!
Niles
Well, look. This is from Marta, our maid. It's a poultice you wear around your neck. The recipe comes from her remote mountain village in Guatemala.
Frasier
[catches a whiff] I can see why her village is remote!
Niles
Well yes, it is pungent. [drapes it around Frasier's neck] But, by inhaling these herbs, many of the villagers live to be well over a hundred. Marta herself is seventy-eight, and you should see her scramble up the stairs when Maris rings her little bell.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, would you mind?
Niles
Of course.
Frasier
Oh, hello Eddie! For once I'm actually glad to see you! Here.
Niles
[returning to the bed, phone in hand] Uh, it's for you. It's - Roz?
Frasier
[taking the phone and speaking weakly] Hello.
Roz
So, how are you feeling?
Frasier
Awful, thank you.
Roz
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Because I really think you should get your butt back down here. You were right about Gil, Frasier. He's lobbying for our slot. I was talking to Millie in Traffic and she overheard Gil talking to the station manager. It was all about how our timeslot is perfect for his show because it's mid-afternoon and everyone is making [posh accent] dinner plans!
Frasier
I knew it, I knew it! Geez... OK, Roz, you can count on me. I'll be there tomorrow.
Roz
Well, you'd better be! I don't trust that greedy, finger- Licking runt as far as I can throw him.
Gil
[sticking his head out of the booth] I say, Roz, how am I doing so far?
Roz
[fake] Fabulous!
Frasier
OK, I'll be in tomorrow.
Niles
Frasier, you can't be serious about going in tomorrow. Your pupils are dilated. [he touches his brother's forehead] You have a fever.
Niles
You go in in that condition, you won't even make it to the...
Frasier
Oh, I just don't trust Gil Chesterton. I think he's after my timeslot. [exasperated] Oh Niles, will you stop it with the alcohol!
Frasier
I just can't let that smarmy little chowhound do my show for another day! Oh God, anybody would be better! [inspiration strikes] Niles, Niles, would you do my show for me?
Niles
Frasier, I think that fever of yours is making you delusional.
Frasier
Oh, no! I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group!
Niles
[heading into the bathroom] I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.
Frasier
Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
Niles
[re-entering the room] Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
Frasier
[knowingly] Then you're not going to do my show?
Niles
[defiantly] No, I AM going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever DREAMED of doing it!
Roz
[pointing] And here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat. [holds up a blue cart] And most important, here's an extra-long commercial to use if you need a bathroom break.
Niles
Thank you, but those won't be necessary. I have no cough reflex, and excellent bladder control.
Roz
[sarcastically deadpan] It's true - all the good ones ARE married. [leaving for her booth] You're on in ten seconds and your first caller is Marcia.
Niles
Marcia...
Niles
"Hello, Marcia, I'm listening." That is so trite. "Hello, Marcia, tell me where it hurts." No, no... "Hello, Marcia, I hear you." No...
Roz
[speaking into her mike] Good afternoon, Seattle!
Niles
Oh, yes! [puts on his headphones] Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today.
Niles
Ooh-kay, Roz, who's my first caller?
Roz
We have Marcia on line three. She's in love with her husband's brother.
Niles
This day promises not to disappoint. [jabs a button professionally] Hello, Marcia. "Let's get better!"
Niles
[on radio] But before we get into the specifics of your problem, why don't I give you a little historical background? The psychiatrist Sigmar Bromnoh - that's B-R-O-M-N-O-H - in the late 1950s, wrote extensively on the problem you are facing. Which is all the more amazing when you realise that Bromnoh was a prominent Reichian, although...
Frasier
[gleefully] Listen to him! He's terrible!
Daphne
And, I'm afraid, so are you. Your temperature's up to one hundred and three.
Frasier
Oh, it could go up to a hundred and five, I couldn't be better! My timeslot is safe. Niles is as dry as this toast you brought me - with the crust still on. I'm sure when I'm ready to go back, they'll send a limo!
Daphne
Well, I'll just go get you another drink. Was that last straw bendy enough?
Frasier
Perfect, thank you. [she starts to leave] Oh Daphne, Daphne, look. [points at a tissue box on the bed next to him] Here, take these tissues away. I, they hurt my nose. I want that kind with the little moisturizer droplet between the sheets. And the rose petals in the humidifier - I think they're starting to wilt.
Daphne
Oh, of course. Anything you like. Fresh rose petals, crust-less toast, soft tissues... [turning to leave, muttering bitterly] acupuncture needles where you least expect them...
Niles
Howard, Lois, I could stay on the air counseling you all day, but — [glances at the clock] we're coming to the end of our hour, so I'm just going to cut to the quick. If one of you doesn't say, "I love you" right now - right now - frankly, I don't see how you could have any kind of future together. So, which of you has the courage to say, "I love you?"
Lois
[v.o.] Howard... I love you.
Niles
[thrilled] Yes! Yes! Howard, she loves you! What about you?
Howard
[v.o.] I, uh...
Niles
Howard? Are you going to just pack up your emotional tent and walk away... Howard? Howard, it's up to you! Can you say it?! Can you?!
Roz
[caught up in the excitement] Come on, Howard! Come on, Howard!
Howard
I... I love you too, Lois!
Roz
YES!
Daphne
He said it, he said it!
Niles
[on radio] But I'm afraid we're going to have to interrupt this radio moment with a commercial... [Daphne turns off the radio]
Martin
Hey, Niles is pretty good!
Frasier
Good? Good?! The little rat is scintillating! Oh, why couldn't he just do what's expected of him for once and stink?! He's even better than Gil Chesterton! Oh, God - they're trying to make me look bad!
Martin
Aw, geez. This high temperature of yours is making you zooey.
Frasier
No! No! It's made me clear-headed. I've gotta get down there, go to that station, reclaim what's rightfully mine!
Frasier
There'll be no more filling in by anybody! No way, no how! No way, no...
Martin
[stands] Frasier, you're not going anywhere.
Frasier
[facing off with his dad] Oh, who's going to stop me?
Martin
I am.
Frasier
Oh, how are you - a man with a limp and a cane - going to stop a man in the prime of his life?
Martin
[over Frasier's whining] And I wasn't even leaning on my cane. Come on, Daphne.
Daphne
Boy, he really is sick.
Martin
Huh! You want to talk sick? 1962, World's Fair. The Tilt-A- Whirl was right next to the "Little Taste Of India"...
Frasier
As you know, I was out sick most of the week, and I'd like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to Gil Chesterton and to my brother Niles for doing such a great job of filling in for me.
Frasier
I really appreciate it, guys.
Frasier
Well Roz, now that I'm back to normal and feeling great, who's our first caller?
Roz
We have Sonya from Auburn on line three.
Frasier
Let's just hear what Sonya has to say...
Frasier
DAPHNE! DAPHNE!
Daphne
What is it this time?!
Frasier
I had a dream! I had a dream! They are plotting against me!
Daphne
Oh, now now, Dr. Crane. I thought we went over this already. It's just your fever talking!
Frasier
[suspiciously] Oh, that's just what you want me to think! You're probably in league with Niles! I know about the two of you! Oh, you pretend not to know, but you know!
Frasier
I've gotta get back down there and take my show back!
Daphne
But you can barely function!
Frasier
Yes, well, these prescriptions will take care of that and more. [rips off a slip and passes it to her] Now here, run down to the drugstore, post-haste!
Daphne
[reading it] Syducane?! This'll have you high as a kite!
Frasier
That's only until I take a couple of these!
Daphne
Oh now, Dr. Crane, I really don't think you're in any shape...
Frasier
Thank you! But the moment I give a fig for what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!
Daphne
[furious] You know, being a health-care provider, I try to be sympathetic towards my patients. But I have reached the end of my tether with you, Doctor! You are by far the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centered, whiny fusspot I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with! I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate, and a damn sight more jolly too! As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets until you're one giant bedsore!
Frasier
Are you done?
Daphne
[calming down somewhat] Yes.
Frasier
Then scurry on down to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed!
Gil
Oh, Frasier! What a surprise to see you here today!
Frasier
Well, it's no wonder. I've taken some wonder drugs, I feel wonderful! [laughs] So I'm going to go do my show now - so ta-ta, Pieman!
Niles
Thank you, Greta. It's always satisfying to know I've changed someone's life. [sees Roz signaling and looks] Oh, look who's just wandered into my booth, it's my brother Frasier.
Frasier
Hello, Niles. I've come to take back the reins of my show, so you can just scoot out of there. [Roz comes in]
Niles
I think this might be a good time to go to a commercial. [tosses Roz the blue "extra-long" cart, she plugs it in] This is Dr. Niles Crane, "let's get better."
Roz
[hesitantly] You OK, Frasier? Your eyes look a little glassy.
Frasier
[dismissively] I'm fine! It's just that the drugs I took have some minor slide effects...
Roz
Frasier, look at me. Do you see trails when I do this?
Frasier
Whoa! [laughs] Ha! It wasn't doing that before!
Niles
Listen, you're not going on the air like this. [shakes a finger in Frasier's face] Stop it, stop...
Niles
This is what you're going to do. You're going to bed, you're going to get rest, and you're going to get rid of this fever, so you can be as good as new. "Let's get better!" All right? [removes his fingers] All right?
Frasier
[docilely, seeming appeased] All right... OK...
Frasier
Maybe... maybe the two of you could help me find someone to drive me home?
Roz
[opens the door] Oh, that's the most sensible thing you've said so far, Frasier-
Roz
[yelling] Frasier! FRASIER!
Frasier
Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again... so, let's take our first caller. [presses a button] Hello, I'm listening.
Robert
[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
Frasier
And your name is?
Robert
...My name is Robert.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
Roz
Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.
Frasier
Who is this?
Janice
I'm Janice.
Frasier
Well, Janice, what's your problem?
Janice
Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
Frasier
Boring!
Frasier
Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!
Marjorie
Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
Frasier
OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
Marjorie
Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am, and I don't think that's fair."
Frasier
"Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness, and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
Marjorie
Hey, that was great!
Frasier
[excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...
Niles
[gently] Frasier, these nice men are going to take your home.
Frasier
[in dazed confusion] I'm - I'm, I'm doing my show! [a guard takes the headphones off his ears] I can't! I'm on the air!
Roz
No, you're not. We cut you off. You're on commercial.
Niles
Don't you worry your little mucous-filled head about anything. Everything's under control.
Frasier
But it's my show, it's my booth... [exiting the door] Hey, this is fun! Ha! Make it go faster! Whee!
Roz
[urgently] Five seconds, Niles!
Niles
Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane again and no, we haven't taken leave of our senses. That bit of inspired lunacy you heard just before the commercial was just a little docudrama Frasier and I put together on the dangers of over-medication.
Niles
Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope!"
Frasier
[hysterically] Daphne! Daphne!
Daphne
Whaaat?
Frasier
I had another dream! I dreamt I went down to the station all doped-up and tried to take over my show and made a big fool out of myself, and they-they dragged me out of there like a lunatic in a butterfly net!
Daphne
[comfortingly] Now, now, that was just a dream. You go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne. Can I have a little lemonade? With fresh lemons and maybe a little sprig of mint?
Daphne
[sweetly] Anything you want.
Martin
Why'd you tell him it was a dream?
Daphne
No fun telling him the truth now, when he's all doped up. I'll wait till tomorrow morning - when he's good and lucid.