My Coffee With Niles

Niles

Calm down, dear. No, calm down, listen, take a left, then the second right, then a left again.

Frasier

Is Maris lost again?

Niles

Yes, she wandered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to talk her back to the living room.

Frasier

[looking round:] It's kinda busy, any chance of getting a table?

Niles

Not at the moment. The table by the window received their check five minutes ago but they have been sitting there yammering away every since. I've been shooting them dirty looks, but they haven't budged.

Frasier

Show me the look.

Frasier

They're there for a while.

Niles

Meantime, shall we go ahead and order?

Frasier

Oh why not? [to waitress:] What are your coffees today?

Waitress

Zimbabwe and Kenya.

Frasier

I'll have a Zimbabwe latte.

Niles

I'll have a Kenyan cappuccino.

Frasier

So, what's new?

Niles

Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the wills. He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that precious Zen garden that he's been hocking us about since last fall.

Frasier

How did that turn out?

Niles

Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position.

Frasier

Well good for her, apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side.

Niles

I'm not sure, she reading a Danielle Steel novel, making a nail appointment on her cellular phone.

Frasier

Do you realize that today marks a year since I moved here from Boston?

Niles

Really? A year! It seems like yesterday dad moved in with you.

Frasier

Isn't funny how two people can have distinct, opposite impressions of the same event?

Niles

[moving to the window seat:] They are both sitting there as if they own that table. Maybe if we both gave them the look.

Frasier

It's worth a try. [They both stare at them, and they move.] Niles, I'll never doubt you again! [they give high fives]

Niles

Try the look on this table, I'm going to the men's room.

Niles

Maddening!

Frasier

What is it now?

Niles

They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and would you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!

Frasier

How do you get through the day?

Waitress

[bringing coffees:] Here we go, Zimbabwe and Kenyan.

Frasier

[not pleased] Oh, excuse me, did I say decaf?

Waitress

No, you didn't.

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry. If I drink the regular it'll keep me tossing and turning all through my brother's conversation. [she takes it] Well Niles, it doesn't look like anybody is leaving, why don't we take a table outside?

Niles

Why not, I'm feeling al fresco.

Frasier

Oh, how does Mrs. Fresco feel about that?

Frasier

It must be a riot on camping trips!

Niles

Would you like a...?

Niles

So, Frasier, now that chapter two of your life is in full swing, do you mind if I ask you something?

Frasier

No, go right ahead.

Niles

Are you happy?

Niles

Did you hear the question?

Frasier

Yes, I'm thinking. It's a seemingly complex question.

Niles

No, it's not.

Frasier

Yes, it is.

Niles

No, it's not. Either you're happy or you're not.

Frasier

Are you happy?

Niles

No, but we're not talking about me.

Frasier

Oh, let's not just gloss over that. You, my only brother, has just told me you're not happy and it pains me to hear that, so why?

Niles

I was watching PBS the other night in my study and they were showing this documentary on the Great Depression. Vintage Steinbeck - desperately poor people escaping the Dust Bowl, their meager possessions strapped to rickety old trucks heading to what they thought was their salvation. Then there was this scene with this scruffy boy being handed a brand-new pair of shoes by the Salvation Army. Frasier, if you saw the look on that boy's face. It was a look of pure and utter happiness. I have never experienced that kind of happiness, not in my whole life. Not even when I bought these four hundred dollar Bruno Maglies. [shows shoes off] Do you like them?

Frasier

Do you like them?

Niles

What about the tassels?

Frasier

Well, I'm not much of a tassel guy.

Niles

No, neither am I, nevertheless there they are. [thinks] Oh, I have no reason to be unhappy. I have my health, have a wonderful home, a beautiful wife... did your eyebrow just move?

Frasier

I don't think so.

Niles

I've got my practice. Although, lately I've lost track of the ideals that led me to psychiatry in the first place.

Frasier

Hmm, yes.

Niles

Look who I'm talking to. Psychiatry's answer to the drive- through window. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in psychiatry for the money.

Frasier

Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. In a word... forget it.

Niles

What were you going to say?

Frasier

I'd rather not.

Niles

Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years: did I marry Maris for the money? [Frasier nods] I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.

Frasier

So, you really do love her?

Niles

Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.

Frasier

You mean it's not human?

Niles

No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.

Frasier

I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

Niles

Oh fine, let's shift this subject back to where it belongs. This whole thing started with me asking whether you were happy. And don't think about it this time, just answer.

Frasier

Aw, well...

Roz

[coming over:] Hey, guys!

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Niles

Hello, Roz. What are you doing here?

Roz

Well, I always wanted to learn to fly a jet and today they're offering a special on jet flying lessons, so I thought I'd come by and take advantage of it. [Niles doesn't understand.] I came to get coffee!

Niles

Well, thanks for stopping by, I'd have been mad if you didn't.

Roz

I'm also meeting someone here.

Frasier

Oh, let me guess, a man?

Roz

Yes.

Frasier

[imitating:] Yes.

Roz

The new guy from the news department, Andy Winslow. He's really cute. He caught me checking him out when he was bending over the water fountain.

Frasier

Ah! Love at first sight!

Roz

Anyway, he said why don't we get some coffee and get to know each other? [adding makeup:] I don't know Frasier, I've got a strange feeling that this guy might be the one.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, honey, you say that about every guy you meet. Let's just see if this one calls back.

Roz

[takes Niles's serviette and uses it to wipe her lipstick.] Yeah. I guess, you know, I don't think he's here yet. I'll just go and snag a table.

Frasier

Good Luck!

Niles

Bye, Roz.

Roz

Yeah. [leaves]

Niles

I don't think she likes me.

Frasier

Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you!

Niles

Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.

Frasier

I think you may be onto something there, Sherlock!

Niles

[looks into the café] She is comely, in a back-alley sort of way.

Frasier

Roz, yes she's very attractive.

Niles

Do you ever think about you two, you know...

Frasier

Roz and me? [laughs] No!

Niles

You've never fantasized about stealing away to a cheap little motel with her?

Frasier

Oh well, I'm a normal man with normal urges. She does have a silk blouse that falls open a bit when she leans over the cart rack. But mixing work with romance, I don't know, is it ever worth it?

Niles

I don't know, you tell me. You're the one who looked down her blouse!

Waitress

Decaf Zimbabwe Latte.

Frasier

Is that non-fat milk?

Waitress

No.

Frasier

Oh, I hate to be a bother, it's just that I'm watching my fat intake. [she takes it away, then it begins to rain]

Niles

What is that? Rain?

Frasier

[sarcastically:] No, God is crying!

Niles

I asked a simple question.

Frasier

Do you ask any other kind?

Frasier

Good work there, Niles!

Niles

I think I just wanted it a little more than he did. [looking out of the window:] Boy, it's really coming down. [Frasier looks out and begins laughing.] What? What?

Frasier

Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked dad to pass me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? He said, "What's the magic word?"

Niles

You're kidding.

Frasier

He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home!" [they both laugh]

Niles

[sees Roz with a man] Oh look, look, that must be Roz's coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome, isn't he?

Frasier

"Wow!" Did you say "Wow?"

Niles

Good lord, I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing another man before. I wonder if that means something.

Frasier

Oh, absolutely. [sarcastic:] It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell dad or shall I? [laughs]

Martin

This was stupid, this whole thing was stupid, admit it.

Daphne

It was not stupid! You needed your exercise. What was stupid was you came out without your bumbershoot!

Martin

It's called an umbrella! Speak English, can't you?

Waitress

[coming over:] I'm sorry, sir, no dogs allowed.

Martin

[acts like a blind man:] What?

Waitress

Oh, I'm sorry.

Niles

It's okay, okay.

Martin

[feels Niles's face:] Niles?

Niles

Hello, dad.

Frasier

So, dad, what are you two doing here?

Daphne

Well, I thought we needed some exercise, and I had to come down here to pick up some beans anyway, so we walked. Well, two of us walked. One of us had to be dragged by his collar.

Martin

Hey, I told you I didn't want to come here in the first place. Look at me, I'm going to die of pneumonia.

Daphne

Oh, you'll outlive us all. The cranky ones always do. [Niles goes to the counter with her.]

Frasier

Dad, let's get you something hot to drink. [Frasier summons the waitress] Em, cappuccino, latte?

Waitress

[to Martin:] Can I help you?

Martin

Coffee, black, and don't put anything fancy in it.

Waitress

We have two special coffees. [Martin stares, bored] I'll surprise you. [leaves.]

Frasier

[Eddie sits next to him] Oh, joy. There's nothing like the smell of a wet dog to work up the appetite for supper!

Martin

Look at us, we're soaked to the skin!

Frasier

You're in a fine mood today!

Martin

Ah, and by the way you left a mess in the kitchen.

Frasier

I had a piece of toast!

Martin

Yeah, and you didn't use a plate like I asked you too, and you put it in under the counter. [Niles sits down with his briefcase] And all because you left a bunch a crumbs and toast sweat there!

Niles

Toast sweat?

Frasier

Yes, yes, it's when you put a piece of hot toast on any surface, and it leaves droplets of dew behind. Haven't you heard dad's lecture on the evils of toast sweat? It's the scourge of our times.

Waitress

[with coffees:] One coffee, black.

Waitress

And a decaf, non-fat, Zimbabwee Latte.

Frasier

Oh dear, is that cinnamon on that foam?

Frasier

[to Martin:] Well you know, as long as we're picking at each other's scabs here, I found another one of Eddie's chew toys in my sweater cubby the other day, hairs all over my favorite pullover. I know he sleeps in there when I'm not home!

Martin

It serves you right for keeping your sweaters in a place called "the cubby."

Frasier

That's it, my bedroom is off limits to this fleabag.

Martin

He's not a flea bag.

Niles

Hey dad, how about those Mariners?

Martin

Shut up, Niles. Look, who's kidding here? If my hip's good enough to get me down here, then maybe it's about time I found a place of my own.

Niles

Where will you go?

Martin

Oh, don't worry about me, I'll find a place. I've got a little money saved up. I never wanted to move in with you in the first place, and the last thing I want to do is...

Frasier

[with him] ..."to be a burden to anybody."

Martin

[to Niles:] That's your brother's smart-ass way of telling me he's heard this before. Well, you won't have to hear it again, come on Eddie. Tell Daphne to catch up with us, will you?

Frasier

Dad, please, we go through this little melodrama at least once a week. Will you just sit down, it's raining outside.

Martin

No, no. I'll pay for coffee too, how much is it?

Frasier

A dollar-fifty.

Martin

For coffee? What kind of world are we living in?

Niles

Frasier, are you alright? You've been in there forever.

Frasier

Oh, I tried that damn hand cream, [wipes his hand on serviette] I was so oily I couldn't get a grip on the doorknob. I awaited to be rescued, finally when some guy came in I said, "Oh God, am I glad to see you." I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me.

Frasier

There it is!

Daphne

So, your brother tells me you and your father are at it again.

Frasier

Oh yeah, what's new?

Daphne

I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top. [Niles begins to fantasize about this]

Frasier

Oh well, best thing to do, just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles? Niles?

Niles

[after coming out of the daydream] I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.

Daphne

Well, I guess I better go after him.

Niles

Oh, here. [hands her his umbrella] Take my bumbershoot.

Daphne

Oh, isn't that nice. Well, at least someone appreciates my mother tongue. [leaves]

Niles

Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

What did I say? Want another coffee?

Frasier

Not until I've had my first one, thanks! [Niles signals for another coffee] Why is it always so difficult between me and dad?

Niles

Oh well, you might try looking at it from dad's point of view. As a policeman in a position of authority and that's been taken away from him. Wailing against the world is his way of controlling his ever-shrinking sphere of influence.

Frasier

Yes I do empathize with him. I just can't help wishing I could just kick that cane out from under him once in a while and that he would land on Eddie!

Niles

Well, the simple truth is, it's hard. I know you're trying!

Frasier

I am! And you know, sometimes I do see the fruits of my labor. You know, just the other night dad was watching TV and I had fallen asleep on the couch and suddenly I stirred, I felt something on my head, and dad was standing above me stroking my hair.

Niles

Dad?! Did he say anything?

Frasier

Well, he said, "don't think it's time you got a hair cut, you're starting to look like bozo!" I know he was only covering though. But what do you think?

Niles

Probably wouldn't hurt to get a trim!

Frasier

No! Do you think he was covering?

Niles

Of course he was covering, you know dad! Tough as nails on the outside, but on the inside one giant... spike.

Niles

Grazie.

Frasier

Excuse me, but what about mine?

Waitress

We've got a team of specialists working on it. [leaves]

Frasier

Look, why don't we just change the subject from dad, and talk about something else.

Niles

Absolutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frothy.

Frasier

I agree. Are you in love with Daphne?

Frasier

That's a little frothier than I had in mind!

Niles

That preposterous! I refuse to dignify that question with an answer.

Niles

I don't know! There, I said it. There, are you happy? Oh, why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East-European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?

Frasier

Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.

Niles

Frasier, I can't get her out of my mind. When I look at Daphne she stirs a passion in me I've never known before.

Frasier

Niles, you're not considering leaving Maris?

Niles

Certainly not!

Frasier

Well, I suppose the situation you're in is that you'd like to stay with Maris but you'd like an affair with Daphne.

Niles

Yes. Can I do that?

Frasier

No, you can't!

Niles

I thought that I couldn't but you got my hopes up there for a minute. Oh, it's easy for you. You're free, you're happy - although perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself there, you haven't answered that question yet.

Frasier

Oh, I haven't answered it, have I?

Niles

You haven't and I'm getting curious. Are you happy?

Frasier

Well, I guess the best way I can think of saying it is...

Roz

[coming over:] This sucks!

Frasier

What's the matter?

Roz

You sit down with someone and have a cup of coffee and think that they might just might lead you to something, like a life! Suddenly the trap door opens and you're right back in Roz's world!

Niles

How did it go wrong so quickly?

Roz

Hmm, simple. He didn't want to date me. He wanted to convert me! I don't have anything against religious people. I don't care if they're Jewish, or Jehovah Witness or Buddhist. I am ecumenical, I embrace men of all faiths!

Frasier

If only it stopped there!

Roz

But he pretended he was going to ask me out, isn't there a Commandment against that?

Niles

No, they didn't get into dating until the New Testament.

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?

Roz

No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a negligée and rip out my faucet. [leaves]

Frasier

You think she's kidding, don't you? You know, I think about Roz's life and it makes me wonder about my own. I haven't been exactly burning up the social scene lately.

Niles

You'll find somebody.

Frasier

But what if I don't? What if I end up old and alone? I just might have to buy a funny little dog and move in With Frederick. I guess I don't need to worry about that for a while.

Niles

No, Frederick should start worrying about it. In the meantime, you might want to answer my ever-more-tedious original question. Are you happy?

Frasier

Well, I guess I'd have to say...

Martin

[entering with Eddie:] Hello, boys.

Niles

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Frasier

Hello dad, what are you doing back here?

Martin

I don't know. I've been acting like a jerk these past couple of days, and I've been taking it out on you and Daphne. You know all that stuff I said earlier? Just forget about it.

Frasier

I already have.

Martin

Come on, boy.

Frasier

Dad, dad, listen. Has something been bothering you these past few days?

Martin

No, not really, no.

Frasier

Come on, say it.

Martin

Okay. Last Sunday was my birthday.

Niles

Of course it was! Frasier and I were planning a big surprise party. But, if we threw it on your birthday it wouldn't have been a surprise, thus we waited a week. So, surprise!

Niles

Oh, if you could just see the look on your face...

Frasier

Just give it up, Niles! Dad, I'm sorry. Listen, come and have a seat.

Martin

You know, I don't know why I let it bother me. All those years on the force, I missed enough of you boys' birthdays. You're entitled to miss one of mine.

Frasier

You know what, there's no reason to stop us celebrating anyway. Tonight, we'll take you out for dinner.

Martin

You don't need to do that!

Niles

Absolutely, absolutely, you name the place.

Martin

OK, how about Hoppy's Old Heidleberg?

Martin

They were voted best bratwurst of all time for three years in a row.

Frasier

Ach du lieber! [they laugh]

Daphne

[walking in:] There you are. I've been up and down Third Street looking for you.

Martin

Oh, I was on Fourth Street, Eddie had already smelled everything on Third. How did you know I was coming back here anyway?

Daphne

I had one of my psychic flashes. Bang! - there you were, walking through the door of Café Nervosa. And there you were, apologizing for the way you've treated me this past week.

Martin

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Daphne. Just forget about it, alright?

Daphne

And something about a raise. [looks to Frasier]

Martin

You're winging it now, aren't you?

Daphne

Am I that transparent?

Martin

No, I'm psychic. Come on, we've gotta hurry up because the boys are taking us to Hoppy's Old Heidleberg tonight for dinner!

Daphne

Oh great, German food. We whipped the Jerries twice this century and they still have the last laugh. [leaves]

Frasier

You know, dad I'd give you a ride, but I've got to stop by the station first.

Martin

Nah.

Niles

No, that's okay, I'll give him a lift.

Frasier

Ah.

Niles

Frasier, as always I've enjoyed getting together with you for coffee.

Martin

What do you guys talk about all the time?

Niles

Oh, you know - sports, chicks, monster truck rallies...

Martin

Okay, don't tell me.

Waitress

Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat milk, no cinnamon in sight. Now - ARE YOU HAPPY?

Frasier

[answering Niles's question:] You know, in the greater scheme... yes, I'd say I am.