Dinner At Eight
Aired 30th September, 1993 · Written by Anne Fleet & Chuck Ranberg · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
In the greater Seattle area, the number is 555-KACL. We've got a number of lines open, so please give us a call. [to Roz] Now who's up next, Roz?
Roz
We have Pam on line four. She's having a problem with her family.
Frasier
[presses a button] Hello, Pam. This is Dr Frasier Crane; I'm listening.
Pam
[v.o.] Hi. It's my in-laws. It's just that, well... they drop over all the time without calling first, and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them.
Frasier
Well, they're your husband's parents - what does he suggest?
Pam
[v.o.] The other day, he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away.
Frasier
A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
Pam
[v.o.] Well I, I thought about saying something, but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings.
Frasier
Well, then you have a choice. Either you risk hurting their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by...
Pam
[v.o. whispering] Shhh! They're here!
Frasier
Who... your in-laws?
Pam
[v.o.] Shh! Yes.
Frasier
[whispering] Well then, why don't you just take this opportunity to... [stops whispering] Oh, for pete's sake! Why don't you just tell them how you feel?
Pam
[v.o.; whispering] Okay! Okay, I will next time, I promise! Thanks, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Yes... ah, well, as, er, [presses a button] Pam belly- crawls across her living room, let's take a moment for this message from... [checks the copy] "Carpet Fresh."
Frasier
How's that for a segue? [laughs]
Frasier
I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers!
Martin
He cut you off!
Frasier
That doesn't matter! You, you do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says, "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
Martin
Big talk from a Volvo.
Daphne
I see you've found yourself a new suit.
Martin
Oh, wait till you see it, Daph - it's a beaut!
Daphne
Let's have a look!
Martin
Oh, can't let you see it on the hanger; I'll model it for you!
Daphne
What a nice son you are, buying your father a new suit.
Frasier
Well, it didn't quite work out the way I planned, but er... [notices] Daphne, what are you doing?
Daphne
Fluffing your knickers. If you don't mind my saying so, you're losing some of your elasticity.
Frasier
Well, I appreciate everything you're doing, Daphne, [takes them] but a man's knickers are certainly... [feels them; surprised] Ooh... [presses them against his face] How'd you get them so... soft?
Daphne
Fabric softener [takes the knickers from him] and twice through the fluff cycle. [continues "fluffing"]
Frasier
Oh, well keep up the good work! [laughs]
Frasier
[on the phone] Hello? Yes. Well, hi Niles. Well, of course you can come by! Great! I'll, I'll see you there!
Frasier
Hi Niles, good to see you!
Frasier
Thanks for calling first.
Niles
Well, I heard your show today. I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced.
Frasier
Ah...
Niles
Actually, I was in the neighborhood, and I've come to beg a favor. Er, my housekeeper Mary is a very big fan of your little radio program.
Frasier
[pleased] Is she?
Niles
Yes. Well, what she lacks in taste, she makes up for in vigor. [puts his briefcase down] She'd like an autographed photo.
Frasier
Oh well, it'd be my pleasure. [to Daphne] Daphne, this is my brother Niles. [leaves to get the photo]
Niles
Hmm... you're Daphne?
Daphne
Why, yes I am.
Niles
Well, I...
Niles
When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?
Daphne
It's nice to meet you.
Niles
Well, what a lovely accent. Is that, er, Manchester?
Daphne
Yes. How'd you know?
Niles
Oh, ha! I'm quite the anglophile; I'm sure Frasier and dad have already told you.
Daphne
No, they didn't mention it.
Niles
Ah... you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I'd spent a year studying at Cambridge.
Daphne
No, they didn't mention that, either.
Niles
I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time talking about me when I'm not around! [starts to feel the knickers]
Daphne
Oh, I wouldn't say that...
Frasier
[gets up, having signed the photo] Niles, here's your picture...
Frasier
DO YOU MIND?!
Niles
[reads] "Mary, here's wishing you good mental health: Frasier Crane."
Martin
Fits like a glove. Hi, Niles!
Niles
Hey, dad... [notices his suit] Wow.
Martin
How do I look?
Niles
Wow.
Daphne
[to Niles] Dr. Crane took your father shopping to Armani this afternoon.
Niles
[incredulous] You got that at Armani?
Martin
Just like I told you, Frasier - he can't tell the difference!
Frasier
Well, we were on our way to Armani, when dad spotted this in the window of a discount clothing store.
Martin
It's sharkskin! [waves his forearm] Look at the way it changes color when I move my arm!
Daphne
[to Martin] You're going to be the handsomest gent at your friend's retirement party. Now come on, let's go and hang it up before it gets wrinkled.
Martin
Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window winded up inside a mayonnaise jar!
Niles
Frasier, is he our real father?
Frasier
Now don't start that again - we've been having this discussion since we were children.
Niles
[goes towards the kitchen] But that suit!
Frasier
Well it's not just the suit, it's, it's his taste in everything! Clothing, films, music...
Niles
Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.
Frasier
Well, thank goodness we took after mum.
Niles
So how come he didn't acquire any of her... sophistication?
Frasier
Well, maybe he was too busy working his tail off so that we could have the nicer things.
Niles
Mmm.
Frasier
You know Niles, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in some way. Expose him to some of the finer things, so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur.
Niles
I don't know. Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier
Well, we all are at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Niles
[shakes his head wistfully] Was I ever that young?
Frasier
Well, you and I have to broaden dad's horizons. Show him the world that he's only read about in TV Guide.
Niles
How about an evening of fine dining?
Frasier
Perfect... but where?
Niles
[excited] Le Cigare Volant!
Frasier
[ecstatic, wrings his hands] Hah!
Niles
[suddenly calm] But can we really get in? I've been trying for months.
Frasier
Oh, puh-leeze. Niles, you're forgetting the cache my name carries in this town.
Niles
Actually, I'm not. If the maitre d' happens to be a housewife, we're in.
Frasier
Niles, you are so mean.
Frasier
I'll just call information.
Niles
Oh, no need; I have it on speed dial.
Frasier
Oh. Thank you. [on Niles's phone] Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane. Yes, the one on the radio. [looks at Niles, triumphantly] Say... any chance of, er, getting a table for four on Saturday at er, say... eight, hmm? Merci, a bient�t ! [shuts Niles's phone, laughs] We're in!
Martin
Niles, can I get you a beer? Some pork rinds?
Niles
[rubs his sore post-high-five hand] No thanks. Em...
Frasier
Dad, Niles and I and Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at, Le Cigare Volante - it's one of the hottest new restaurants in town.
Martin
Ah, gee, I don't know, I...
Niles
Oh, oh-oh-oh, the food is to die for!
Martin
Niles, your country and your family are to die for; food is to eat. [sits in The Armchair] Look, I appreciate the offer, but I wouldn't like it.
Frasier
Oh dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
Martin
Well, I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.
Frasier
Yes, but, dad, it'll give us a chance to have an evening all together as a family. You know, Niles and I really want to do this for you.
Martin
Oh... alright.
Frasier
[laughs] We're gonna have the best time!
Martin
Hey - it'll give me a chance to wear my new suit again, too!
Frasier
[to Niles] And won't that be nice?
Frasier
So, how do the calls look today?
Roz
Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier
Oh, I love a Monday. So how was your weekend?
Roz
I had the most hellacious date of my life. First, he asks me to pick him up from work. Then, I stop for gas - I have to pump it myself while he just sits there reading the sports section. So I take him back to my place and make him my famous sweet and sour shrimp; I'm in the middle of cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey, and he gets this freaked-out look on his face and says he can't because he has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky.
Roz
I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any risks.
Frasier
Roz, where do you meet these people?
Roz
[indignant] I answered his ad! [gestures towards the studio] You got thirty seconds - you'd better get in there.
Frasier
Not yet.
Roz
Oh, no...
Frasier
Roz, are you ready?
Roz
[reluctant] Don't make me do this...
Frasier
Come on, we do this every Monday!
Roz
You do this every Monday. I play along!
Frasier
Come on!
Frasier
[enthusiastic] Who's got the best talk show in Seattle?
Roz
[waves the paper around like a half-hearted cheerleader] We do. We do.
Frasier
[shakes his fist] Alright!
Daphne
We-ell! Aren't you a bobby dazzler?
Frasier
Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.
Frasier
Where are you off to?
Daphne
I'm going to poker night.
Frasier
I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player.
Daphne
It's mostly social. Me and the girls just bumping the gums. No-one ever loses more than five or six hundred dollars.
Frasier
Hi, Niles!
Niles
Hello. [enters]
Frasier
Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators again?
Niles
Oh, no. I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes.
Frasier
[closes the door] Ah...
Niles
In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.
Frasier
I'm sorry. [comforts Niles]
Niles
Yes, well, I'll just have to make the best of it... [strides over to Daphne] Hi-ho, Daphne, you're looking luminous this evening!
Daphne
Why thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
[to Niles] What's in the bag?
Niles
Er, just a little treat I picked up for dad: some Devonshire Clotted Cream.
Frasier
For... dad?
Daphne
I love Devonshire Clotted Cream.
Niles
Isn't that lucky - you two can share it. [gives the bag to her]
Daphne
I'll just go and pop this in the fridge.
Frasier
Sherry, Niles?
Niles
Thank you.
Niles
I'm having a thought, Frasier. Since Maris has sadly dropped out and we do have an extra space, perhaps we should invite Daphne to join us for the evening. I mean, it is a table for four and, and three is such an awkward number, you know, at a, at a dinner.
Frasier
What are you doing?
Niles
Nothing, nothing... [realizes] Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
Daphne
Well, I'm off to my poker game. [to Niles] It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane...
Daphne
Oh, wait a minute! I'm getting something on you...
Frasier
[to Niles] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
Daphne
You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Niles
[entranced] Yes!
Niles
Frasier...she's phenomenal!
Daphne
[at the door] It's a gift. Well, cheerio!
Niles
Ta-ta!
Frasier
Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life!
Niles
I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her...
Martin
'Kay! I'm ready to go!
Frasier
Ah, ah, dad, what's happened to your suit?
Martin
Oh, it's at the cleaners. I got some creamed chicken on it at Phil's retirement dinner last night. You can't keep anything nice.
Niles
Well, well, I-I-I-I'm sure the Cigare Volante has a dress code...
Frasier
Er Niles, may I borrow your phone?
Frasier
Thank you so much.
Martin
Where's Maris?
Niles
Episode.
Martin
[unsurprised] Oh.
Frasier
[on phone] Yes hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane; I have a reservation tonight. I'm calling to enquire about your, minimum dress code. [worried] Crane. Frasier. Doctor! [very worried] Well, what do you... we've had the reservation for over a week! [off the phone, angry] They've lost our reservation.
Niles
Give me that. [takes the phone] Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane. I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life and I've a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.
Frasier
Niles, they've already hung up.
Niles
Ah... thank God! [closes his phone and pockets it] Well, what now, Frasier? It's Saturday night, quarter-to-eight, and we-we're not going to get in anywhere.
Martin
Hey, I know! Why don't I take us all to The Timber Mill?
Niles
The... Timber Mill?
Martin
Oh, it's great! You can get a steak this thick for eight- ninety-five! [indicates a brick-like thickness]
Niles
Ah... honestly, dad, that doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant we'd like.
Martin
Well, I was willing to go to your place.
Frasier
Er, dad, I I think we'd better just er, take a rain check.
Martin
Oh gee, I was looking forward to spending an evening with you boys. But we can do it some other time. [sad] I'm sure Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up...
Frasier
[suddenly upbeat] You know, on second thoughts I'm, I'm really in the mood for a good steak!
Niles
[to Frasier] What?
Frasier
Well yes, you know, the point of the whole thing is not exactly where we have dinner, but that the three of us have an evening together as a family! Right?
Martin
[excited] Ah, you won't be sorry! They've got five different toppings for your baked potato!
Frasier
Ooh, did you hear that, Niles?
Niles
I'm sold!
Martin
[to Eddie] We'll bring you a bone, Eddie!
Martin
[to Frasier and Niles] He's ecstatic.
Martin
Quite a place, huh? Used to be a real working saw-mill!
Frasier
[sarcastic] Until somebody stated the obvious and said: "Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant!"
Martin
I just walk in here and my mouth starts watering. There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
Niles
This aroma's triggering a, a sense memory. Something familiar. It... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed.
Hostess
Hi! Welcome to The Timber Mill.
Frasier
[not without trepidation] You don't have a table for three... do you?
Hostess
Sure, right this way.
Hostess
Is this your first visit to The Timber Mill?
Frasier
Yes.
Hostess
Well, we've got a dress code.
Frasier
[worried] Oh well, couldn't you make an exception in this case? [gestures at Martin] His suit was at the cleaners-
Hostess
Er, not him. You.
Hostess
[shouts] Tim-berrr!
Frasier
[distraught] My tie! She, she cut off my tie!
Martin
Gotcha! Ain't that great?
Frasier
Well, why did she cut off my tie?!
Martin
Oh, they've been doing it for years! They like to keep the place casual.
Niles
Dad, you could have mentioned that to us.
Martin
What, and spoil the fun? [laughs] Ah, cheer up! You get a free dessert!
Frasier
Oh, boy. [calms down a bit] Well, I guess you're right, dad; it's just a tie...
Niles
A Hugo Boss tie.
Waitress
Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier
[weary] Oh dear God, yes.
Niles
I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.
Frasier
[firmly] If you bring him two, if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
Waitress
And for you?
Frasier
The same.
Martin
I'll have a Ballantine.
Niles
[to Frasier] Say, funny thing happened the other day: one of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, "pass the salt," but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."
Martin
Bet she didn't like that.
Niles
N-no, no dad, she didn't. [to Martin] Say, how was your buddy's retirement party last night?
Martin
Oh, it was great. You know, I really miss those guys. Bad news, though. Remember Mo Hanson? The desk captain of my old precinct? Killed in a boating accident.
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry.
Martin
Yeah. Well, at least he went quick. Hank Grinsky - well, he had three bypasses before he went.
Martin
Jimmy Bourbon, he had this weird disease. I went to visit him in the hospital; by the time he died, his skin was all yellow, wasted away to nothing. Nice nurse, though — Betty, I think her name was.
Waitress
I see we have a couple of first-timers here! Let me tell you how it works. Every entrée comes with soup or a trip to the salad bar: one trip only, please! Also included is our famous garlic cheese bread.
Waitress
And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles
Claim our steaks...?
Martin
[points] You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!
Frasier
[hesitant] How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?
Martin
[annoyed] Would you just pick your steak?
Niles
I'll, I'd like a, a petite filet mignon, very lean - not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between. Bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.
Waitress
...Okay! [to Frasier] How about you?
Frasier
Could I see the other side of that one? [points queasily at a steak]
Martin
[gestures at the trolley] Just bring us those three: medium-rare, all the 'fixins.
Martin
[excited] Hey, come on! There's a lull at the salad bar!
Martin
Isn't this great? They have the best Thousand Island Dressing in town.
Frasier
I know, dad, I saw the plaque by the cash register.
Waitress
Here we go: three boiled onions, medium-rare!
Frasier
Wha-? We've barely touched our salads!
Martin
Great service, huh?
Niles
Yes. With any luck we should be completing our dining experience in less than twenty minutes.
Waitress
If you're not ready I could put this under the heat lamp...
Frasier
Oh no, no-no, that won't be necessary young lady, I'm as ready as I'll ever be...
Waitress
Alright. Let me know if I can get you anything else.
Frasier
[to her back, sarcastic] Yes, thank you.
Martin
You know, I don't mind you guys being tough on this place, but you could be a little nicer to the waitress.
Frasier
You're right. I'll apologize when she comes with the dessert. Which should be any time now.
Martin
Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier
I wish this was one of those times.
Martin
What's wrong?
Frasier
Well, I don't mean to complain, but...
Martin
Well, then don't! For your information, these steaks come from prized beef raised at... [to Niles] What the hell are you doing?
Niles
[still dissecting] Something seems to have fallen in my potato.
Martin
Those are bacon bits!
Niles
But I didn't ask for them.
Martin
I ordered all the 'fixins. You got all the 'fixins.
Niles
But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates.
Martin
No problem. They're artificial. They're made out of soy.
Frasier
[sarcastic] They really look out for your health here, don't they?
Martin
[annoyed] Everybody in this restaurant's enjoying the dinner. Can't you guys do the same?
Frasier
Niles...
Niles
Mmm-hmm?
Frasier
Is Maris organizing the... [smiles to himself] Arts Council benefit again, this year?
Niles
[also smiling] Matter of fact, she is.
Frasier
Where are they holding it?
Niles
Well, they haven't picked a spot yet... perhaps I should tell them about this place!
Niles
I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night!
Frasier
You wouldn't be the only one!
Martin
Alright, that's it. [throws his napkin down on the table] I've had enough of you two jack-asses. I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks about the food and the help. Well, I got news for you: people like this place. I like this place. And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. [stands up] You know, I used to think you two took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that, but your mother liked a good ball game too. She even had a hot dog once in a while. [reaches into his pocket] She may have had fancy tastes, but she had too much class to ever make me or anybody else feel second-rate. [dumps some money onto the table] If she saw the way you two have behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. I know I am.
Frasier
Dad, wait!
Martin
No, I'm going over to Duke's for a night-cap.
Frasier
Well, at least let us take you there!
Martin
[turns around] I'll take the cab! I've had enough of you two for one night. Leave the waitress a good tip. She deserves it. [turns back to the door ]
Frasier
Niles, say something!
Niles
[gets up] Dad, wait...
Niles
...the Mud Pie's coming!
Frasier
[mocking] "The Mud Pie's coming!" I feel terrible.
Niles
Oh, so do I...
Frasier
You know, the sad thing is, he's right about us.
Niles
Have we really become such snobs?
Frasier
You don't see anybody else driving their father out into the street to drink, do you?
Frasier
Niles, we... we've gotta apologize to dad.
Niles
You're right.
Frasier
We'll give him a couple of hours to cool down over at Duke's, and then when he gets home, we'll, we'll settle this thing.
Niles
Absolutely. We've been just horrid. [glances at his plate] Frasier... do you think we've actually lost the ability to appreciate the simple things? Steak, potatoes... �fixins?
Frasier
I'm afraid so. [gestures at his plate] Well you know, the thing is, this-this is, this is good food! I mean, it's not too fancy but it's, it's, it's good, wholesome American fare!
Niles
You know Frasier, as a tribute to dad, I think we should sit here until we have cleaned our plates.
Frasier
Well, I'm game if you are!
Frasier
Going to prove that we are not snobs.
Niles
Absolutely.
Niles
Frasier...
Frasier
Hmm?
Niles
[gazing over Frasier's shoulder] Look who's here.
Frasier
[gesturing at Niles] Eat your meal!