I Hate Frasier Crane
Aired 7th October 1993 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time?
Martin
I don't know. Eddie - must ya? [Eddie carries on staring] Apparently he must.
Frasier
[to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me.
Daphne
Here we are, gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you a hand clearing up your papers?
Martin
No, you better let me. I need to keep these in a particular order.
Daphne
What is all this, anyway?
Martin
Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the "Weeping Lotus" murder.
Frasier
Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up. He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years.
Martin
Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one small thing I keep overlooking. [tidies papers]
Frasier
There is - who the murderer was. [laughs]
Daphne
It's nice you feel so dedicated.
Martin
It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing!
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator and it shattered her calm.
Frasier
Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone.
Niles
She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling directory assistance?
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne. It's so good to see you again. [she puts the meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing.
Daphne
[smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing. Won't Mrs. Crane be coming?
Niles
No, I'm afraid. And please, no more of this "Doctor" and "Mrs. Crane" formality. To you, it's Niles and... [stumped] er...
Frasier
Maris.
Niles
Yes, Maris.
Martin
Glad you could join us, Niles.
Niles
Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.
Martin
Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go ahead and start?
Daphne
Well, enjoy.
Martin
Where are you going?
Daphne
I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen.
Martin
Don't be ridiculous.
Niles
Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen. I'll join you.
Martin
No. We're all eating right here, like a family, end of discussion.
Daphne
Well, isn't this nice? Feels just like home.
Niles
I'm famished.
Frasier
Me, too.
Martin
You boys still say a prayer before you eat?
Martin
We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat. You have blessed our table with your palm. And thank you, Lord, for bringing this family together and we also thank you for the other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able to share with those less fortunate...
Frasier
[to Eddie:] OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING!
Niles
[off guard:] I wasn't staring!
Martin
[takes what he can get] Amen.
Niles
So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column today? You were mentioned.
Frasier
No, I missed it.
Niles
Just as well, it wasn't flattering.
Frasier
I still would have liked to have seen it anyway.
Niles
Oh, why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket]
Daphne
If I may ask, who's Derek Mann?
Martin
He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times. The things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny - what did he say about you?
Frasier
[reading:] "I hate Frasier Crane."
Martin
[laughs, then:] Oh, sorry.
Frasier
That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it?
Martin
Oh, don't let it bother you.
Frasier
Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms, it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in yellow! Now, who would like some wine?
Daphne
Oh, I'll have some.
Niles
Daphne, this salad is exquisite.
Frasier
[sitting down:] Now why would he say that?
Martin
Must be the carrots, he always did like them.
Frasier
Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake.
Martin
Oh, for crying out loud!
Frasier
Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the trash.
Niles
Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save.
Martin
On what?
Niles
Nothing.
Martin
Come on, I'm interested.
Niles
Oh, let's drop it.
Martin
Why can't you tell me?
Niles
All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for growing prize-winning zinnias. Are you happy?
Martin
[beat] Not really.
Frasier
All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that?
Lorraine
[v.o:] Okay.
Frasier
All right, good girl. Now your problem...
Lorraine
[beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it?
Frasier
No, no. Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you think so, Roz?
Roz
Yes.
Lorraine
Okay, I'm back.
Frasier
All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. Your problem seems...
Lorraine
[beep] Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
Frasier
For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is popular. [laughs]
Lorraine
Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't believe it - another call.
Frasier
Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine?
Lorraine
Okay, I'm back!
Frasier
Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off]
Niles
Frasier, how funny running into you here.
Frasier
I'm always here.
Niles
Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago: have you seen today's "Times"?
Frasier
[knowing what's coming:] No.
Niles
Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek Mann's column.
Frasier
You know, this is the second time in as many days that you have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting yourself a route?
Niles
[to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met.
Roz
Yes we have, Niles, three or four times. Roz Doyle.
Niles
Oh, of course. It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?
Roz
The radio station.
Niles
Ah, I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again. [then, to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday.
Frasier
So I see. [reading:] "Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes."
Roz
[noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show.
Niles
Not very flattering either. Towards the end he even attacks your "dimwitted sidekick call screener."
Roz
[appalled:] That's me!
Niles
Oh, now I remember you!
Frasier
[reading:] "It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's show — his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self-congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock-sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling cult."
Niles
It's continued on twelve.
Frasier
I've read enough!
Waiter
[asking:] Can I get you something?
Frasier
[to Niles:] How can the man think something like that?
Waiter
It's my job, I'm a waiter.
Frasier
We don't want anything, thank you.
Roz
Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll blow over.
Frasier
Oh, perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me, to retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best response is no response at all.
Frasier
[angry:] "Pompous and sanctimonious," am I?! Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences! Every five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots." Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the crayon he writes this drivel in!
Roz
Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification.
Frasier
Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! [to Roz:] Now what line did you say Stewart was on?
Roz
He hung up.
Frasier
Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today. Let's see who's on line five. [he presses button:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening.
Derek
[v.o:] Good, because I was listening too.
Frasier
And you are?
Derek
Derek Mann.
Frasier
[regretting:] I see.
Derek
Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League twit. So what do you say we settle this like men?
Frasier
Are you implying that you want to fight me?
Derek
I'm not implying, I'm saying.
Frasier
Fight, as in a fist fight?
Derek
[sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each other! So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough?
Frasier
[thinks] We'll be right back after these messages.
Frasier
And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line: Derek Mann.
Derek
[v.o:] So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to fight me or not?
Frasier
Oh, you can't be serious.
Derek
Just like I figured, you're chicken.
Frasier
No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line?
Roz
Well, lines one through eight are people who think you're chicken.
Derek
You're chicken, Crane. Admit it!
Frasier
I am not chicken!
Derek
[squawks like a chicken]
Frasier
We are mature thinking people, not cavemen!
Derek
[squawks some more]
Frasier
Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight! You just say the time and place!
Derek
Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old statue. Noon tomorrow. Don't back out!
Frasier
I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?!
Daphne
Having a look at that old murder case again?
Martin
Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos.
Daphne
Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look.
Daphne
Her name was Helen.
Martin
Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it on some of my papers I've had lying around here.
Daphne
No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture.
Martin
You're putting me on.
Daphne
She had a lot of men in her life.
Martin
No kidding: she was a hooker!
Daphne
No, I mean she had four brothers.
Martin
[surprised:] That's amazing. She did have four brothers. What else are you getting? Well, come on, tell me more.
Daphne
I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet.
Martin
Give it a try, will you? Please. What else are you getting?
Daphne
Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait. I see a man.
Martin
Yeah?
Daphne
A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.
Martin
Yeah? Yeah?
Daphne
He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door...
Frasier
Hello, everyone.
Daphne
Sometimes I get my signals crossed.
Frasier
What's going on?
Martin
Well - unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve - nothing much!
Daphne
We heard your show today. I just loved the way you handled that Derek Mann.
Martin
You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him.
Frasier
[worried:] Yes I did, didn't I?
Martin
I can't wait to see that.
Frasier
Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad.
Martin
What are you talking about?
Frasier
Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I stand to benefit by going through with actually going through with a fist fight?
Martin
Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged you and you're backing down?
Frasier
Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences.
Martin
A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the way I brought you up.
Frasier
Are you encouraging me to fight?
Martin
You bet I am - you gave the guy your word.
Frasier
Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even had lunch yet.
Martin
I might have known this would have happened. It's Billy Kreizel all over again.
Frasier
What did you say?
Martin
Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe.
Frasier
I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty years ago.
Daphne
Who's this Billy Kreizel?
Frasier
Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me!
Martin
So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut.
Frasier
Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer!
Martin
Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight after school. Only "Patches" here didn't show up!
Frasier
I had a clarinet lesson!
Martin
You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a cop, too. Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for years. Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they used to say, "What's the matter? You got a clarinet lesson?"
Daphne
[wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the clarinet lesson?
Frasier
Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment!
Daphne
[gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a lot in this house.
Frasier
[sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation is not the same now.
Martin
It's exactly the same.
Frasier
I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a certain position in this city - I do not settle my differences with brawling.
Martin
The man challenged you and you accepted.
Frasier
Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come home with a black eye.
Martin
I just want you to do what you said you were going to do. You know, you can talk about your medical school, your intellect, your place in this city, but you know what? It's all one big clarinet lesson... I can't even look at you.
Roz
So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
Frasier
Roz, why are you telling me this story?
Roz
I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.
Frasier
Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?
Roz
Your shoe's untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.
Niles
[enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there. Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with balloons...
Frasier
All that's missing is a mariachi band.
Niles
They're setting up.
Roz
Well, I better go find a great place in the crowd. I'll be off to the left, Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and want to throw it to a beautiful senorita.
Niles
Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you doing this?
Frasier
It's Billy Kreizel.
Niles
[looking around:] Where?
Frasier
[shakes head] He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away from him when I was ten.
Niles
I remember.
Frasier
You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is where it stops. I'm not running anymore.
Niles
What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?
Frasier
[sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence!
Martin
Hey, there.
Frasier
Dad? What are you doing here?
Martin
Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe went over the line.
Frasier
Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do — well, you're wrong. You can relax. I took this on for myself.
Martin
Good.
Frasier
Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway?
Martin
Oh, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son.
Daphne
Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter. We're getting a freebie. Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight.
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome?
Daphne
Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see. [points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper, that's Derek Mann.
Frasier
He's gigantic!
Daphne
[looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back!
Martin
Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Frasier
Yes, yes I am.
Martin
Good, you'll be fine. Just remember this is a street fight and not a boxing match. So fight dirty and throw the first punch!
Daphne
I found that a swift knee to the groin usually does the trick. [cocky:] If you have any doubts, check with a fellow in Manchester named Nigel Tavers.
Niles
[begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view...
Frasier
[stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll only make me nervous.
Martin
Whatever you want.
Martin
They've got a mariachi band out there!
Niles
I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summer barbeque.
Daphne
Oh look, they're starting the fight.
Martin
Nah, they're just circling, sizing each other up. Come on, Frasier, if you're going to hit him, hit him now!
Niles
Is that the police?
Martin
Yeah, what are they doing here?
Daphne
They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started.
Frasier
Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my jacket.
Officer
Relax, I'm not arresting you. But I'm warning you that in this town we don't settle our differences with street fights - no matter who you are.
Frasier
Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me.
Officer
Okay. [exits]
Frasier
Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello... God, I feel great!
Martin
You did good.
Frasier
Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that...
Martin
I know you were. You would have kicked his butt!
Daphne
From here to Tacoma.
Niles
[shouting:] I think we should celebrate! Everyone, a round of victory lattes on me.
Martin
Thanks Harry, I owe you one.
Officer
No problem, Marty.
Martin
You cut it pretty close, though. Another minute, then Frasier would have been sidewalk litter. He would have been lunch meat.
Officer
Say, some of the guys are getting together later at Duke's. Why don't you come along?
Martin
Yeah, maybe I will. And you know why I will? Because the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore.
Officer
What the hell are you talking about?
Martin
[embarrassed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct.