Here's Looking At You
Aired 14th October 1993 · Written by Brad Hall · Directed by Andy Ackerman
Frasier
Hello Doug, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug
[v.o:] Look, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. And she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it's very frustrating...
Frasier
I'm sorry Doug, can we just go back a second? You said your mother literally hangs around the house. Well, I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine but I suppose what you mean is that she figuratively "hangs around" the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or spider monkey. Now, back to your problem?
Doug
Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?
Frasier
Not at all.
Doug
[angry] I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar when they come to you for help. That's what I got a problem with! [hangs up]
Frasier
[happily:] I think what he means is, that is a thing with which he has a problem. Now it's time for a station break and we'll be right back after a word from our friends at [reads:] "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza."
Roz
Hey, do you want to know my pet peeve? It's when you're in a department store and the clerk is right in the middle of helping you and the phone rings. So he starts taking care of them. And you're left standing there going, "Excuse me, but all I did was come all the way down here in person, whilst some joker is sitting at home in his underwear getting first rate service!" Don't you hate that?
Frasier
Actually, I do most of my shopping by phone. You know Roz, this conversation with Doug has got me thinking about my father. He doesn't do much of anything either. He just sits around most of the time watching TV and doing the occasional crossword puzzle. What does your mother do?
Roz
She's the attorney general of Wisconsin.
Frasier
[not believing:] No, really!
Roz
Really!
Frasier
I guess that helps fill her day.
Roz
Yeah, quote mom, "Crime never stops - even in the dairy state!"
Frasier
[laughs] I don't think public office is for Dad, but maybe I could find him a hobby or something. Any suggestions?
Roz
Well, in her spare time my mom likes to water ski a little. She hikes, oil paints... oh, she likes archaeology. She's on a dig in Honduras right now.
Frasier
[making up for it:] Well, maybe I could get him a wood burning set.
Frasier
Is Dad still asleep?
Daphne
Yes, he's napping with the dog. Eddie's little legs are going like mad. I think he's dreaming about chasing rabbits. [thinks] I can't explain your father's twitching!
Frasier
[focusing telescope:] I think I'm just about done with this thing.
Daphne
I think your dad's going to love it.
Frasier
Me, too. I was walking through the hobby shop and saw this thing and it was like, "Eureka!" I actually said "Eureka!" [looking through scope:] Ah, yes. There are a million stories in the naked city. [hopeful:] Now if we could just find a naked one.
Daphne
[mock anger:] Dr. Crane, you naughty boy. Peeking in on other people's privacy.
Frasier
Daphne, really. I mean, if people were so concerned about their precious privacy they wouldn't leave their blinds open at that certain angle where you can see the mirror over the mantle that reflects down the hall to the water bed in the back room!
Daphne
I think I hear your father coming. Stand in front of it, we'll make this a little surprise.
Martin
Hi, guys.
Frasier
Dad.
Daphne
How was your nap?
Martin
Great, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt this beautiful woman with bad breath was licking my face.
Martin
[to Eddie:] Hey, where did you just come from?
Frasier
Dad, I got a surprise for you.
Martin
Hey, it's a beaut. What's the occasion?
Frasier
Oh, no occasion, just thought you'd like it.
Martin
Wow, that's great, thanks. You know, I saw in the news there's a bunch of falcons nesting in the eaves of the Columbia Tower. Maybe I can watch them from here.
Frasier
Dad, Dad, forget the falcons. You can see everything that's going on in that apartment building over there.
Martin
[objecting:] Hey, I've locked people up for that kind of behavior.
Frasier
Oh come on, it's perfectly innocent - just think of it as a hundred more channels to watch.
Daphne
[looking in scope:] Just look at them, people going about their lives. There's an old couple watching the telly, and just next door an attractive young woman is working at a computer, while below her a burly man is using a beach towel to soak up a large pool of blood... oh my God!
Martin
What?
Martin
[looking:] No, that's tomato juice - you can see the can on the counter. You're right about that woman at the computer though, she's a looker.
Frasier
Ah, you see, there's a voyeur in all of us.
Martin
Well, let's see what else the Seattle skyline has to offer.
Daphne
I say we make a strict rule, though: if anybody starts doing anything nasty we move on. Agreed? [they don't respond] I said, agreed?
Martin
[laughs:] Well, there's a lady over there with a telescope. She's looking right back at us.
Frasier
[nervous:] What shall we do?
Daphne
[worried:] Hide!
Frasier
I knew it, I knew it, every time we do something bad we get caught!
Martin
[waves and shouts:] Hi, how you doing?
Frasier
What are you doing?
Martin
She's waving at us, I'm waving back.
Frasier
Don't do that!
Martin
Why not? Hey wait, she's writing something down. She's holding it up. It says, "Hello there, stranger." [laughs] Hey Daphne, get me that pad and pen.
Frasier
What for?
Martin
So I can answer her. Write down "My name is Martin."
Frasier
Dad, Dad you shouldn't encourage this person. I don't really want people looking in on our lives. I don't think I've even made my bed today.
Daphne
Is she writing anything else?
Martin
Yeah. [reads:] "My name is Irene." Her name's Irene.
Daphne
Her name's Irene.
Frasier
[sarcastic:] Thank you.
Martin
Wait, she's writing something else. [reads:] "Is that Dr. Crane from the radio hiding in the back?"
Frasier
It does not say that! [looks] It does say that. [he waves back:] Hi!
Martin
Her older son's an accountant in Portland.
Daphne
He was the breech birth, right?
Martin
No, that's Dennis in Boise.
Daphne
Oh right, he's the one with the wife that won't let him visit. I can't stand her.
Frasier
[enters from room in gown:] Morning Dad, Daphne. [waves to window:] Morning, Irene.
Martin
Hey Frasier, when you were a kid, what was the name of that skin condition you had on your butt?
Frasier
Pityriasis Rosea.
Daphne
How do you spell that?
Frasier
[curious:] Why?
Martin
Irene and I are exchanging family histories.
Frasier
I really don't think your girlfriend needs to know about that.
Martin
[objecting:] She's not my girlfriend!
Frasier
Oh, come on. You two have been exchanging notes now for the past three days. If you were in the sixth grade you would be sitting in a tree "K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Here Daphne, let me borrow that pen. [he does]
Martin
What are you doing?
Frasier
I'm going to help along your little romance and possibly save a small forest. I'm giving her our telephone number.
Martin
[in terror:] No, no, no, no, no, don't do that!
Frasier
Why?
Martin
Well, she'll think I'm being too forward.
Frasier
For God's sake, Dad, you met peeping into her apartment.
Martin
[sure:] She's not going to call.
Frasier
You want to bet?
Martin
Yeah, five bucks.
Frasier
[holds card up:] Okay.
Frasier
Well, are you going to answer?
Martin
You get it.
Frasier
Dad, it's for you!
Frasier
[into phone:] Hello. No, no, this is Frasier. Hi. I'm fine. Well, it gets a little flaky when the weather's dry. [rubs butt]
Martin
[whispers:] Tell her I'm not home.
Frasier
Dad, she knows you're home - she's looking at you through the telescope.
Daphne
Come on, you're just a little nervous.
Martin
[into phone at last:] Hello? Hi. Yeah, it's nice hearing yours. Can you hold on a minute? [puts phone to his chest, then to Frasier and Daphne:] Would you two get out of here?
Daphne
I'm getting a very good feeling about this.
Frasier
Really? You really think he's interested in her?
Daphne
[laughs:] Yes, I think so.
Daphne
Do you want to hear something cute, Dr. Crane? I made him this rich gooey coffee cake this morning, because you know what a sweet tooth he has. And he wouldn't take one bite because - as he put it - "Women don't like a spare tire on a man."
Frasier
[laughs] That's so cute. Oh, it's funny, you know - the twists and turns of fate. If I had tried to set Dad up with a woman he would have rejected the idea out of hand - but I go out get him this telescope for a hobby and it kindles this romance. It's Kismet!
Frasier
Well?
Martin
What?
Daphne
What happened?
Martin
[cool:] We talked on the phone.
Daphne
[knowingly:] And? Was she nice, was she interesting? What did she say?
Martin
She said a lot of stuff.
Frasier
[certain:] So it would be safe to assume that you two will be seeing each other?
Martin
Ah, she wanted to, but I said no.
Frasier
[confused:] No? Why?
Martin
She's not my type. [notices cake, then enthusiastically:] Oh, coffee cake! We got any butter round here?
Niles
You know Brewster Cale? The pompous twit who is the president of our wine club? [Frasier nods.] Well, at our meeting the other night I convinced some of my fellow psychiatrists to play a little prank on him. When he thought he was tasting the Chateau Petrus, he was in fact sipping a Forcas Dupres. You see, we'd switched the labels. [laughs at the farce]
Frasier
[sarcastic:] What scamps you are!
Niles
There he was, proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine and of course none of us could contain our laughter.
Frasier
His face must have turned redder than a "Piechoné Logeavie."
Niles
Well of course, as so often happens, rough house turns to tears. At the end of the evening, Brewster tended his resignation.
Frasier
That must have put a damper on the evening.
Niles
Well, not really. I'm the new president.
Frasier
Kudos indeed.
Niles
Oh, oh, oh, is our dad and his lady friend still playing telescope footsy? What was her name?
Frasier
Irene. No, they've broken it off.
Niles
Already? I thought it was going so well.
Frasier
Well it was, but then they spoke once and Dad said that she wasn't his type. [objecting:] So, it's over - done! He's completely cut her out of his life. I just don't understand what would make him do that.
Niles
Oh, who knows why anybody does anything?
Frasier
Remind me again what you do for a living? You see the thing is, it was just one phone call. How can anyone make a sound judgment about another person on the basis of one phone call?
Niles
Remind me again what it is YOU do for a living?
Frasier
Well anyway, I suppose it could be any number of reasons. Fear of rejection, shyness...
Niles
[obviously leading up to something] Or maybe Dad was telling the truth and he just wasn't her type. If only we knew someone who was... I know! Maris's lovely Aunt Patrice is in town visiting from Washington, D.C. Oh, oh, oh, maybe we should set Dad up with her.
Frasier
[objecting:] No, Niles, I've met Aunt Patrice. The woman is a loon.
Niles
Frasier, do this for me. Every time Aunt Patrice comes to visit, Maris makes all these plans, before she dives under the duvet with a two-week migraine and I'm left holding the bag— literally and figuratively.
Frasier
Oh, I don't think so, Niles. I know Dad, don't meddle.
Niles
Alright, the least you could do is say hello to Aunt Patrice.
Frasier
I'm not driving out to your house.
Niles
You don't have to. She's sitting out in the car.
Frasier
You left her in the car?!
Niles
I cracked open a window.
Frasier
Well, then she's fine.
Frasier
[into phone:] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now. I love you too. Listen, I'll see you next weekend. Okay, bye bye. [hangs up]
Martin
How's Freddie?
Frasier
Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet.
Daphne
[enters and looks through telescope:] Oh it's such a beautiful night. The city is lit up like a jewel. Oh look, there's Irene. She's sitting in her window wearing a stunning green dress. But her face, it's so sad.
Frasier
[looks:] Oh, oh, she's holding a note. It says, "Martin, was it something I wrote?"
Martin
Will you cut it out? Irene is not sitting in her window.
Frasier
Oh alright Dad, no she isn't, but she might as well be, for god's sakes. That's gotta be what she's thinking!
Martin
Haven't you ever met a woman and then decide she's not the one? [doorbell sounds]
Frasier
Yes, five years after I married her.
Niles
Hello there, Frasier.
Frasier
Niles - I was specifically not expecting you.
Niles
Frasier, you remember Aunt Patrice.
Frasier
[greets her:] Well, of course. Aunt Patrice, yes. I don't recall really when we met but I believe there was a lot of laughing and dancing.
Patrice
My husband's funeral.
Frasier
Yes... well, of course, the laughter was to hide our tears. Let me take your wrap. [he does]
Patrice
Thank you.
Niles
We were taking a drive and I thought, "Why, we are just a couple of short ferry rides from Frasier's," so we decided to pop over.
Patrice
[pointing at Martin:] Niles, is this the charming gentleman you were telling me about?
Niles
Oh, Patrice, you bloodhound. You've treed another one! Yes, this is my dad.
Martin
How do you do, Patrice, I'm Martin Crane. This is Daphne Moon.
Daphne
Nice to meet you. [points to seat:] Please.
Patrice
Thank you. [sits]
Martin
So, what brings you to Seattle?
Patrice
Well, I came to see Maris, but the poor thing's taken to her bed again. To this day I have no idea how tall she is.
Niles
Yes, so I've had Patrice all to myself and we've had a great time, haven't we?
Patrice
Well, if you call sitting in your waiting room for four hours reading old magazines a great time, well then yes - we had a laugh riot.
Niles
Oh, now I know where Maris gets her sense of humor!
Patrice
[laughs] Oh.
Daphne
Why don't I pop into the kitchen and gets us all some refreshments?
Niles
A capital idea, and why don't Frasier and I join you? That'll give these kids some time to get to know one another.
Frasier
Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here.
Niles
I ran out of ways to entertain her. We went to the arboretum, a fashion show, a matinée of "La Cage Aux Folles" and we even spat off the top of the Space Needle. I'm sorry, I cracked!
Frasier
Niles, that woman is certainly not Dad's type.
Niles
You never know when love can bloom between two people who seem so different on the surface. [hoping:] Do you, Daphne?
Daphne
To tell you the truth, I never thought opposites attract.
Niles
Neither do I, we are alike in so many ways!
Frasier
Oh come on, Niles. We can't leave Dad out there alone with her any longer.
Niles
I'm sure they're doing just fine.
Patrice
[o.s.:] D'goo y'goo sp'geak g-sp'geak?
Niles
Oh Lord, I was afraid of this.
Martin
What?
Patrice
[slower:] D'goo y'goo sp'geak g-sp'geak?
Martin
[worried:] Niles, I think she's having a stroke or something.
Niles
No, no Dad. It's just G-speak.
Martin
Come again?
Niles
It's something Maris and Aunt Patrice love to try out at parties.
Patrice
Yes, you just speak a "g" in every syllable. So you would be, "M'garg-tin Cr'gane." Just say it with me, come on... M'garg-tin...
Niles
I don't think Dad's interested.
Patrice
Oh, b'ge ag sp'gort, Gniles.
Frasier
What did she say?
Niles
She said, "Be a sport, Niles."
Patrice
B'ge, agus, gesport, geda!
Frasier
Dad, do you still have your gun loaded?
Martin
It's in my top drawer.
Patrice
Isn't it a hoot? Of course, it's all the rage in Washington. You know who speaks it all the time? G'George G'Step-gan-ogp-ogu-logs.
Daphne
[enters from kitchen:] I found some pizza rolls in the back of the freezer, but the expiration date was yesterday - are we game?
Frasier
Er, that won't be necessary, Daphne. We don't want to spoil our appetites for that dinner we're about to leave for in twenty minutes.
Martin
Yeah, that's right, that dinner in... er... twenty minutes.
Patrice
Oh Niles, I told you we shouldn't have just stopped by. These people have plans.
Niles
How I envy them.
Patrice
I enjoyed meeting you, Martin.
Martin
[shakes her hand] Likewise.
Patrice
Oh, now, now, you can do better than that.
Patrice
I'll look forward to my next trip to Seattle. Oh, and if you're ever in the Washington area - I'm in the b'gook. Bye-bye.
Martin
What the hell was that?
Daphne
I feel sorry for the poor thing.
Martin
I feel sorry for Niles.
Daphne
That's who I'm talking about.
Frasier
You know, I saw what you just did.
Martin
What did who do?
Frasier
When Patrice went to hug you, you moved away.
Martin
[laughs] Well, wouldn't you?
Frasier
No, Dad, no. You moved away from the window. You didn't want Irene to see you with another woman. You still care about her.
Martin
Hey, go chase yourself.
Frasier
Dad, you do. There's something stopping you from having a relationship with this woman. Now, what is it?
Martin
You're not going to let go of this thing, are you?
Frasier
No, I'm not!
Martin
Alright. Irene's middle name is Rose.
Frasier
So? Rose is a nice name. Rose was mother's middle name. [realises] Oh.
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
Oh Dad, you can't feel guilty about that. Gee, mom's been gone for six years now. Your feelings for Irene are totally severed from your feelings for Mom. You know, if she was here, if she could tell you, she'd want you to get on with your life.
Martin
Okay, when I'm ready. Thanks, Frasier. You know - I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Frasier
Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough...
Martin
[correcting:] There's nothing you don't say often enough.
Frasier
[realizes what he means] Right, Dad.
Daphne
I couldn't help but overhear. That was a very nice thing to say.
Martin
Yeah, he's a good kid.
Daphne
The only strange part is - I could have sworn Irene's middle name was Marie.
Martin
No, it isn't.
Daphne
Well, I could go and check. I still have all our notes in the trash.
Martin
Alright, alright... well, I had to tell him something. Look, I don't know why he just won't believe me when I tell him that Irene just isn't my type.
Daphne
You sure she isn't?
Martin
You're going to get on my back too?
Daphne
No, but I was just wondering if the reason why things didn't work out between you and Irene was, well...
Martin
What?
Daphne
Well, maybe if you weren't just a little self-conscious about your hip?
Martin
That's ridiculous.
Daphne
Well, I'm glad to hear that, because you really don't have anything to be self-conscious about, you know. With that silvery mane, twinkling blue eyes and whiskey voice. You're quite a package.
Martin
[laughs] Yeah, I'm quite a catch.
Daphne
You are. And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers. For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. [then:] Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec. [then:] Although he was rather a little person. Still, he did rather well with the ladies. [then:] Of course, they were all prostitutes. But then again, he was French and there's no explaining their taste.
Martin
What's your point?
Daphne
I guess I don't have one. It's just me running on the way I do. But there is one last little thing: I did notice that every time you went to the telescope to see Irene - you hid your cane.
Martin
[laughs] I just put it off to the side so I wouldn't trip over the damn thing.
Daphne
[seeing she's got through:] I knew there was a good reason. It must feel awful silly when that cane trips you up.
Frasier
Dad, Dad, will you hurry up? She's going to be here any minute.
Martin
Alright, alright, Daphne. See if I've got this tie on right?
Daphne
Just needs a minor adjustment. [she does it, then:] What's all this hair on it?
Martin
The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first.
Martin
Well, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years?
Frasier
Well, the wardrobe's a little different - but your ultimate goal is still the same! Dad, I'm glad you changed your mind about this.
Martin
Yeah, me too. Thanks for our little talk.
Frasier
My pleasure.
Frasier
Now let's see, you got a hanky in there?
Martin
Yep.
Frasier
Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys?
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
You're not going to be out too late, are you?
Martin
Frasier!
Frasier
Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.
Daphne
Will you two relax? A word to the wise, though: if she asks you up to her place after dinner - close the drapes! [laughs]
Martin
Hi, Irene. Nice to finally meet you.