The Crucible

Frasier

You're listening to KACL 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. [silence] I'm just sitting here waiting. [silence] Hey, Seattle, c'mon, I know you're out there. Hey, look, I realise it's a sunny day but on all those rainy days, I was there for you. [silence] Well, alright then, if that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse... [clears his throat; singing] "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie-"

Frasier

That seems to have gotten you going there, okay! Alright then, I knew you were out there. Okay, Roz, who do we have?

Roz

We have Gary from Issiqua on line two. He and his wife had a big fight.

Frasier

Sorry to hear that, Gar. I'm listening.

Gary

[v.o.] Well, y'see, Dr. Crane, my wife is hell-bent on going to Italy this year.

Frasier

Ahh, Italia - the rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venizia...

Gary

[over his head] Yeah, well, anyway - I like taking vacations as much as the next guy but I say that, if we dip into our savings, I think the first thing we should buy is a new sump-pump for the basement. At least with that-

Frasier

[interrupting] Oh, listen, Gary. Let me stop you right there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one.

Gary

But the trip to Italy costs eighteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't include the "Splendours of the Vatican" package.

Frasier

Gary, there is more to life than sump-pumps. Whatever happened to feeding our souls? Look, for example, I recently purchased a painting by one of this country's premier artists— oh, it's not important who. Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton, but... Practical? No. But ever since acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and there's not a moment when I do that I'm not uplifted by its beauty. So Gary, go to Italy, bring back a suitcase full of memories. Will you do that?

Gary

I still think I should get the sump-pump.

Frasier

[contemptuous] Well then, yes, Gary, you... you should get the sump-pump! We'll be right back after this newsbreak.

Frasier

Roz, just what is a "sump-pump?"

Roz

If you need one, you'll know. Listen, do you really own a Paxton or were you just blowing sunshine up old Gary's skirt?

Frasier

Yes indeed, I do own a Paxton.

Roz

Well, you'll be pleased to know that she's on line three. [holds up the phone]

Frasier

[gasps and snatches the phone] My God, Roz, she's the preeminent Neofauvist of the twentieth century! How could you put her on hold?

Roz

Well, the phone rang and I pushed the little button-

Frasier

Yes, hello, Miss Paxton. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. Well, thank you. I'm very flattered that you listen to my little show. Yes, well, yes, I meant every word. Yes, that's lovely, I'd like to meet you, too sometime. [sudden thought] As a matter of fact, I'm having a few friends over for a little gathering this Friday night, for cocktails and such. Well, I suppose you're far too busy to... you would! Oh, that's marvelous. Alright, that's the Elliot Bay towers on the Counterbalance. Around seven is just fine. And, well, I'll see then then. Ciao! [hangs up]

Roz

I didn't know you were having a cocktail party.

Frasier

That makes two of us!

Daphne

Well, my theory on death is: first you're whisked down a long dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die!

Frasier

That's a delightful story, Daphne, but I think the toast points need replenishing.

Daphne

[moving away] Be right on it.

Niles

[hops down] Enchanting, just enchanting.

Frasier

My God, Niles, why is no-one eating the Mussoline of Duck?

Frasier

Oh, you mangy little cur! [chases Eddie away]

Niles

Well, now we know why.

Frasier

Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food, the pianist is too intrusive, the Pinot Noir is far too stagey and it's five past seven and Martha isn't even here yet!

Niles

I'm not going to have to sedate you, am I?

Frasier

No, I'm just a bit on edge, I want everything to be so perfect. [pause] By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.

Niles

She's on your bed.

Frasier

My bed?

Niles

Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Frasier

Niles, she's supposed to be looking after dad. That's the only reason you're here, remember?

Niles

Dad is in the bathroom - don't worry.

Frasier

That must be la Paxton - and fashionably late, of course.

Frasier

Oh hi, Roz, it's you. [she looks offended] And you look radiant.

Roz

I look like crap - I've got a spot on my dress, I over-plucked one eyebrow and the crotch of my pantyhose is creeping down to my knees.

Frasier

Couldn't you have just done that in the elevator? [takes her coat] Oh, my goodness, Roz, you've got a neck. Gee, so what do you think of the place? Is it everything you imagined it would be?

Roz

Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live. But I did expect lots of beige and, look, I was right.

Frasier

Would you like a drink?

Roz

Sure, something light would be nice.

Roz

[to waiter] Double bourbon, rocks, and spill a little in the glass.

Niles

Oh, Daphne, you're here, too.

Daphne

My goodness, Dr. Crane - shouldn't you be out there mixing?

Niles

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just getting some ice. [puts the ice to his forehead]

Daphne

Lovely party, isn't it?

Niles

Yes, it is.

Daphne

[chopping herbs] ook at this fresh fennel. [picks up a piece and sniffs it] Smells wonderful, doesn't it?

Niles

[smelling Daphne's hair instead] It certainly does.

Daphne

[catching Niles] Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?

Niles

Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man - I love my Maris.

Guest

[entering kitchen] Where should I put this coat?

Niles

Just throw it on the bed.

Roz

So, Frasier, which one is your dad?

Frasier

Oh, well, he's the older gentleman over there talking to Bethany van Pelt, showing her the photographs. [realises] Oh my God!

Martin

[re:photos] ...and when we finally got to her it was only hanging by two tendons.

Frasier

[to Bethany, who looks ill] Would you excuse us, please? [leads his dad away] Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.

Martin

Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.

Frasier

Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt - the head of the Junior League - brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse.

Martin

Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "no, as a matter of fact"-

Frasier

Dad, dad, please!

Martin

Alright, alright, but stop shadowing me. I don't need a nursemaid.

Frasier

Alright, if you give me your word, that's good enough for me.

Frasier

[hits Niles] You watch him!

Roz

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Oh, hello.

Roz

You may not remember me, I'm-

Niles

Of course I remember you. Would you be a love and watch that man with the cane? [continues following Daphne]

Martha

Dr. Crane? I'm Martha Paxton.

Frasier

Of course, who else could you be? Welcome to my salon. [loudly] Everyone, everyone, your attention, please. I'd like you all to welcome our guest of honour, the renowned artist - Martha Paxton.

Frasier

May I take your... poncho?

Martha

No, no, no, no, I never take it off at parties. It gives me an excuse not to shake hands with people.

Frasier

Oh, how delightfully eccentric! You must meet my brother, Niles. Oh, Niles?

Niles

[moves over to the door] Miss Paxton, Dr. Niles Crane. It is an honour to shake your hand. [outstretches his hand then, seeing no reaction on her part, shakes her poncho instead] Well, to shake anything of yours is an honour. [skulks away, embarrassed]

Martha

Now, where did you hang my painting? I'm always curious to know how people live with my work.

Frasier

"Live with my work" - I love that phrase. If you would, right this way, please. [leads her towards the centre of the room] I think this is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing. Oh God, I've waited so long for this moment - I'm just going to stand back and let you describe your work - "Elegy in Green"— in your own words. The way you insinuate the palette but never lean on it, you capture the zeitgeist of our generation. It is the most perfect canvas it has ever my privilege to gaze upon. I mean, one can only imagine what inspired you to paint it.

Martha

I didn't paint it.

Frasier

[fighting panic] Of course you didn't. You-you created it, you gave birth to it.

Martha

[walks to the painting] I didn't do anything to it - I never saw this painting before in my whole life.

Martin

[leans into Frasier's ear] And you thought I was gonna embarrass you!

Martin

I really liked your friend Roz.

Frasier

What?

Martin

Roz, at the party tonight. Nice gal. Why don't you ask her out? She's great-looking and she can really hold her liquor.

Frasier

Dad, do you mind? I've just suffered the most humiliating evening of my life. I've been been made a fool of by this, this, this... thing. [gestures towards the painting]

Daphne

You know, I may be just a girl from Manchester but, I have to tell you, even though it's not a Paxton, I really like that picture. I liked it the minute I saw it. I liked it even before I knew who Martha Paxton was. And quite frankly, I don't think that woman bathes.

Frasier

Well, enjoy it while you can because, first thing in the morning, this is going back to the dealer where I bought it. I'm demanding my money back - no-one is going to take advantage of Frasier Crane.

Martin

You know, listen, Frasier. You're kind of upset about this, maybe I should return it for you.

Frasier

Well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture but, really, what do you know about the art world?

Martin

Apparently about as much as you do.

Phillip

I can see the love in your eyes. You must have this painting.

Frasier

Are you the owner?

Phillip

Yes, I am. Phillip Hayson. [they shake hands]

Frasier

How do you do, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I happen -

Phillip

No, not the Dr. Frasier Crane. From the radio?

Frasier

Guilty. Yes, but -

Phillip

My wife and I love your show! Could I have your autograph before you go?

Frasier

It would be my pleasure but, speaking of autographs, I have a small problem with this painting. [holds up painting]

Phillip

I'm really distressed to hear that. Would you like a glass of wine?

Frasier

Well, actually I -

Phillip

My wife and I toured the Loire valley last year and we couldn't resist buying four cases of this. [opens the bottle and pours Frasier a glass] It's really quite extraordinary - I hope you like it.

Frasier

Well, I'd really rather not have any wine at this moment -

Frasier

Well, that's rather nice, isn't it? Finishes well.

Phillip

Very well. Would you like some more?

Frasier

No, no, no, thank you. I'd... getting back to my problem - I recently gave a small but elegant soiree at which Martha Paxton was in attendance, you see. She told me that this painting was not her work.

Phillip

Oh dear, I can imagine how embarrassing that must have been.

Frasier

I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.

Phillip

Please, Phillip. Let's take a look at that in slightly better light, shall we? [walks the painting over to a stand and places it on the easel] Oh, yes, I remember this - it's breathtaking. [Raising his voice] Ronald, Diane, will you step in here a moment please?

Phillip

Do you remember when this piece was in the gallery - everyone who saw it wanted it.

Diane

Yes, it's a very special piece.

Ronald

Mrs. Chitcherelli was heart broken when it sold.

Phillip

Oh, I remember -

Frasier

Yes, I'm sure she was but, you see, it's not a Paxton!

Phillip

But it says right here that it is a Paxton. The signature is here. [The three bend to point at the signature]

Frasier

Martha Paxton says that it is not a Paxton.

Phillip

Oh, Martha, how is the old dear? Her and I go back a long way, is she still-? [makes a gesture to his hair - a reference to Paxton's baldness]

Frasier

As a Crenshaw melon, yes.

Phillip

Would you like a little more wine?

Frasier

No, I don't want any wine. I want to discuss this painting.

Phillip

So would I. Maybe some brie? [Ronald and Diane disappear]

Frasier

No, I don't want any brie! I want my money back.

Phillip

Oh, well, that's where things might get a bit... prickly. You see, we have a strict policy here at the Hayson gallery - all sales are final.

Frasier

But, in this case, you're willing to make an exception.

Phillip

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.

Frasier

Yes, but it's a forgery.

Phillip

Well, if it is, it's a damn good one. [laughs]

Frasier

Alright, alright, I'm going to make this simple - I want my money.

Phillip

I'm sure you do.

Frasier

Oh, I know what you're doing - you're "handling" me. You're agreeing with everything I say hoping I'll tire and go away.

Phillip

Whatever you say.

Frasier

I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?!

Phillip

Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. [walks away]

Frasier

What? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?! [follows him] Damn it, you're not getting away with this! I am not leaving. I am not leaving! I am NOT leaving.

Martin

What are you still doing with that? I thought you were going to return it.

Frasier

They wouldn't take it back. All I got was some attitude and a cheap glass of wine - Loire valley, my ass.

Martin

What are you going to do now?

Frasier

Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police. [picks up the phone]

Martin

Five-five-five three thousand.

Frasier

Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. [into phone] Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. [to Martin] Dad, who do I ask for?

Martin

Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery department.

Frasier

[into phone] Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please.

Frasier

Dad, they're laughing at me.

Martin

[chuckling] Give me the phone. [Frasier does] Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. Yeah, I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Bye. [hangs up]

Frasier

What was that?

Martin

Frasier, the boys downtown have their hands full of murders and robberies - they don't have time for this artsy-fartsy stuff.

Frasier

Yes, Dad, but what am I supposed to do? I've been cheated!

Frasier

What were you two doing back there?

Niles

Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...

Frasier

[long and low] Yeeeess?

Niles

Searched the credenza!

Daphne

Maybe I'll go check in the hallway. It might have gotten trampled into the carpet when everybody stampeded for the elevator.

Frasier

No one stampeded! They were all just good guests, they knew when to leave.

Niles

Two hours early. [laughs]

Frasier

Oh, shut up, Niles!

Niles

[sees the painting] Oh, I see. Am I to ascribe this foul mood to the fact that you were unable to unload the bogus Paxton?

Frasier

Yes. Gee, I know, Niles. What is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?

Niles

Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?

Frasier

Well, the meanest.

Niles

Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

Frasier

Right. [picks up the phone] Ah, just give me his number, will you?

Martin

Ah, forget it, Frasier. Five years of litigation and you'll end up paying eight times what you paid for the painting. [carries his plate to the kitchen]

Niles

He's right about that.

Frasier

[replaces the phone] God, I hate laywers!

Niles

Oh, me too. [sits down on the couch] But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Frasier

Say, I know, I know. I can use my radio show - why didn't I think of this earlier? I can use my bully pulpit to expose that man for the fraud that he is!

Niles

Now, Frasier, that's slander. He'll sue you for everything you've got.

Frasier

Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed! [gestures at the painting]

Martin

[as he returns from the kitchen] For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old. It's time you learned something: the system ain't perfect. Sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department? Well, sometimes they're just not there when you need them. So you can either let it eat a hole in your stomach, or you can just file it away under the heading, "Sometimes Life Sucks." [exits to his room]

Frasier

[shouts after him] Yeah well, that file's getting pretty thick!

Frasier

So that's that, huh? Hayson just gets away with it. He's sitting there now with his brie and his wine and his little chuckle at my expense. Gosh, you know, I finally understand why people take matters into their own hands. It would be so satisfying right now to just... slash his tires, or... throw a brick though his window or something. Just so he'd learn that you don't do this to people and get away with it.

Niles

Yes, well, I know you, Frasier, and I know that you'd never resort to that sort of thing. [looks at his brother, and becomes unsure] Would you, Frasier?

Niles

There's a vein throbbing in your forehead.

Daphne

Well, I couldn't find it in the hallway but let me give it one last try. Could you give me the matching earring? Maybe I'll get something from it.

Daphne

Oh yes, I'm getting a feeling. It's in your father's room. No, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room. Oh, this is odd, now it's in the hallway.

Niles/Daphne

Eddie!

Frasier

Good evening. Lovely night, isn't it? Yes, well, goodnight.

Niles

[through car window] Get in the car.

Frasier

Niles, what the hell are you doing here?

Niles

Stopping you from doing something really stupid. Now get in the car.

Frasier

I will not! Niles, look, I know this is wrong but I don't care! It's the only thing left for me!

Niles

Alright, Frasier. [steps out of the car; Frasier retreats] Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.

Frasier

Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.

Niles

Yes, it is.

Frasier

How?

Niles

Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was - your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going- [holds his arms up to imitate the gesture] whatever that means.

Frasier

Niles, why are you telling me this?

Niles

Because - I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."

Frasier

I said that?

Niles

Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.

Niles

Give me the brick, Frasier.

Frasier

[frustrated] And let him get away with this?!

Niles

I know, I know! What the gallery owner did to you was wrong, it was humiliating. But if you throw that brick through that window, you will have lost something more valuable than your money. You will have lost... your mind. Frasier, you can't do this!

Frasier

Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.

Niles

[as if remembering] Nicknames. [then:] There were nicknames?

Frasier

Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz," "Jingle Bells" - I can't remember the rest.

Niles

"Peachfuzz"?

Frasier

Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself. [hands Niles the brick] Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.

Niles

I'm proud of you.

Frasier

[shouts above the alarm] My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?!

Niles

[proud] I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here.

Frasier

Niles, what are you doing now?

Niles

We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging!

Frasier

Come on, come on! [Niles gets into the car] GO, GO, GO, GO!