Call Me Irresponsible
Aired 28th October 1993 · Written by Anne Flett andChuck Ranberg · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
[into mike] It's 4:25 and this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz
We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.
Frasier
Hello Hank. I'm listening.
Hank
Am I on?
Frasier
Yes, you are on the air.
Hank
Hello, am I on?
Frasier
Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Hank
Hello?
Frasier
Listen, Hank please, you won't be able to hear yourself, we're on a seven-second delay.
Hank
Hello, can you hear me?
Frasier
Oh, for crying out loud. [hangs up on Hank] Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios. [Roz immediately starts making very large "NO" gestures] No, I mean just those of you who are calling in! Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz
We have Marco on line two. He's having problems with his relationship.
Frasier
Hello Marco. I'm listening.
Marco
Well, I uh, I started seeing this woman two years ago. I think it was two years. Um, it was around Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. The leaves were off the trees and the...
Frasier
Close enough. What is your problem, Marco?
Marco
Well, it's not really my problem, it's more like her problem. Lately she keeps pressing me for a commitment.
Frasier
What's holding you back?
Marco
I don't know, I just... I guess I just want to keep my options open. You know, in case somebody better comes along.
Frasier
"Somebody better comes along." Somebody better comes along?! Marco, Marco, Marco, do you hear yourself?
Marco
No, I turned my radio off after you blasted that other guy.
Frasier
Well listen, I suggest you give your motives a thorough examination, and if you can't commit, it's best for both of you to break it off. Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco?
Roz
Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
Frasier
Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship.
Roz
Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.
Frasier
What do you think, Seattle? Are there any non-Marcos out there? Or is Roz here destined to live a life of hopeless, loveless spinsterhood? Back after this.
Roz
Gee, I just love it when you include me in your show.
Martin
This is really weird. It's not even Halloween yet. Do we really have to do this now?
Daphne
[setting up a camera] If we're going to have a picture for the Christmas card, we've got to make it look like Christmas.
Martin
I don't know why we just can't do what my wife and I did - put Frasier and Niles in matching sweaters and sit them on the hood of the old Packard.
Daphne
Well, this year we're going to be a little more artistic, right?
Martin
Where the hell is Frasier anyway? I could use some help here.
Daphne
He's still napping. My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be ninety-three.
Martin
Really?
Daphne
He'd lie there on the sofa, and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say "He might as well be a dead man." Then of course, one day, we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks she'd keep insisting, "He's napping, he's napping".
Martin
Okay. I'm going to turn it on. [plugs in fairy lights]
Daphne
Oh, it's lovely.
Both
"Deck the halls with boughs of holly; Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! 'Tis the season to be jolly; Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" etc.
Frasier
Excuse me, excuse me. [they stop singing] Exactly how long have I been asleep?
Martin
Oh good, you're up. Now we can get this picture taken.
Frasier
What picture?
Daphne
The picture for the Christmas card. We told you about it last week, remember?
Frasier
Oh, oh right.
Daphne
[handing out woolen hats] Now the theme this year is "Santa's Workshop." Everybody put on your little elf hats.
Frasier
I am not putting this on my head. For God's sake, I mean, I'm a respected professional.
Martin
[wearing his] But if you don't, it'll look stupid.
Frasier
Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.
Martin
Just put the hat on, Frasier.
Frasier
You can't tell me what to do.
Martin
I am telling you, look, put the hat on.
Frasier
No, look, the days are past when you can just sit me on top of some stupid old Packard and make me wear matching sweaters with my little brother.
Daphne
Boys, boys please. Don't fight. Are you forgetting what day it is?
Frasier
It's October 21st!
Martin
Can we just get the picture taken, please?
Daphne
Alright, I've got it all set. Fifteen seconds, gents. [realises] Oh, wait. There's something missing. Where's Eddie?
Martin
Oh, he's in the bathroom, getting a drink. EDDIE!
Frasier
Well, I can always pray there's a postal strike.
Frasier
[on air] Well, that's just about it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying go on out there and make it a great evening, Seattle.
Roz
Hey, before you go, there's a fan in the hall who'd like your autograph.
Frasier
Oh, God. Save me from my adoring fans.
Frasier
Ooh... ooh, but not from the adorable ones.
Frasier
Hello. Ah, my producer told me you wanted an autograph. Ah, how should I make this out?
Catherine
You disgust me! You parasitic fraud!
Frasier
Well, that's certainly different from the usual "Best Regards." [moves to escape]
Catherine
Wait a minute, don't walk away from me. For once you're going to face the consequences of what happens after you hang up on your callers.
Frasier
What consequences? What are you talking about?
Catherine
I'm Marco's girlfriend. Excuse me - ex-girlfriend, thanks to you.
Frasier
Marco? You mean the Marco who-didn't-want-to-commit Marco?
Catherine
Ah, you damn radio shrinks! You couldn't just tell him to stick with it. That kind of advice doesn't get big ratings. No, "break up with her, get on with your life and ruin hers." Now that's entertainment.
Frasier
Now just hold on one minute. Did you actually listen to the show?
Catherine
...No. But Marco told me what you said.
Frasier
Oh he did, did he? Did he also mention that he said that he was only staying with you to "keep his options open?" Because that's what he told me. To be exact, he said he was only staying with you "until somebody better came along."
Catherine
He said that?
Frasier
He said that to most of Seattle. Apparently you're the only one who missed it.
Catherine
So, it wasn't that he didn't want to commit. He just didn't want to commit to me. [starts to cry]
Frasier
Well I'm... I'm terribly sorry I had to tell you. But, um, at least now you know the truth. Oh, no-no-no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.
Catherine
Ooh, boy, I can really pick 'em, can't I?
Frasier
Oh no, don't go there. Look, this is not your fault. You are a terrifically attractive young woman - I mean, maybe a bit overemotional...
Catherine
[buries her head in Frasier's shoulder] OOHH!
Frasier
[hugging her] Oh, yes. There, there. Shh... listen, can I... can I get you something?
Catherine
No.
Frasier
A drink of water?
Catherine
No.
Frasier
[lost, looks around and sees the candy machine] M&M's?
Catherine
[they break] Plain or peanut?
Frasier
Whichever you like.
Catherine
Peanut.
Catherine
I should have seen this coming. I mean, the guy practically had a coronary when I brought a toothbrush over to keep at his apartment.
Frasier
[handing over packet] Here.
Catherine
Thank you. You want one?
Frasier
Ah, no thanks. Ah, why don't you have a seat here. [indicates chair]
Catherine
Thank you. [sits crossed-legged]
Frasier
But listen, if... if he was that resistant, why did you stay with him?
Catherine
I had a lot invested in him.
Frasier
Yes, but that's no reason to settle for someone who isn't madly in love with you.
Catherine
Well, right now I'm not sure there are any men out there who are actually capable of falling madly in love.
Frasier
Of course there are. You know, at the most basic level men and women are the same. We both need to be loved, and to love someone, we both want to feel that we matter to someone and that someone matters to us. And making a commitment to another human being is the ultimate expression of our humanity.
Catherine
Wow. Your wife is really lucky.
Frasier
I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over... well, maybe I will have one of those M&M's. [takes packet, helps himself]
Catherine
Oh, boy. Why are relationships always so hard? Hey, [indicating Frasier's choice of M&M] you like the yellow ones too, huh?
Frasier
Yeah. You know, people try to tell you they're the same but...
Catherine
I know.
Frasier
But they're not.
Catherine
No.
Frasier
Well, you know, relationships don't always have to be so hard. I remember back in med school, I heard of a documented case where a man and a woman met, got along, and actually lived happily ever after.
Catherine
Yeah, I don't mind the happily ever after part. It's the dating part. If I have to tell one more stranger the fascinating story of my life over more Italian cuisine I'm gonna choke on a breadstick!
Frasier
[laughs, then sits crossed-legged as well, mimicking her] I know. You know, I just keep thinking that maybe we can just resume this over appetizers.
Catherine
Oh, no, no. Half the time I'm ready to exchange goodbyes over appetizers.
Frasier
Well, at least you don't get stuck with the bill.
Catherine
God, you haven't dated much lately, have you?
Frasier
No. I usually end up in restaurants alone.
Catherine
Oh, I can't do that. I even have to turn on the TV at home so at least it feels that there's someone else in the room.
Frasier
Is that what you'll be doing tonight?
Catherine
[eats an M&M from Frasier's hand] Well, unless I just keep eating M&M's, which is a distinct possibility.
Frasier
"Soft and supple, yet strong, right down to the beautiful almond- shaped nails." You really see all of that in my hand?
Catherine
Mmm. I'm late. I gotta go to work.
Frasier
Oh, wait, wait. We haven't decided what we're gonna do tonight. Ah, Antonio's? Le Cigar Volante?
Catherine
We've gone out for the last three nights, why don't we just stay in, huh?
Frasier
That's a great idea. I'll tell you what. I'll uh, send dad and Daphne off to the movies. I'll cook for you. Be at my place at eight.
Catherine
Oh, I won't be able to make it 'til eight-thirty, I gotta change, okay?
Frasier
Oh, no-no-no-no. Don't ever change - I like you just the way you are. [everybody in the Cafe groans; to group:] Oh, come on, come on, I'm a little out of practice.
Catherine
I'll see you later, okay?
Catherine
Bye.
Niles
I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?!
Frasier
Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.
Niles
[to waitress] Coffee.
Frasier
Her name is Catherine.
Niles
So? How long have you known her?
Frasier
Three days.
Niles
Have you two, uh...?
Frasier
No. As if it's any of your business.
Niles
But you're, uh..?
Frasier
Well, yes. Soon.
Niles
[nods, then, unsure:] We are talking about...?
Frasier
Of course we are.
Niles
[still unsure:] ...Sex, right?
Frasier
Yes!
Niles
[his coffee arrives] Ooh, so-so-so... how did you two meet?
Frasier
Well, I mean, it was one of those funny things, she came down to the radio station to chew me out.
Niles
[picks up sugar packet and starts shaking it] You're kidding.
Frasier
No. A few days earlier her boyfriend had called into the show, and I advised him to break up with her.
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, where are your ethics? You can't date someone who's involved with one of your patients.
Frasier
Marco is not a patient, he's a caller. There's a huge difference. Besides, I talked to him days before I met Catherine.
Niles
Mmm, rationalization - the last refuge of the unsound argument.
Frasier
Oh, rationalization, is that what you're going pull now?
Frasier
Oh Niles, I am not rationalizing! There is nothing wrong here.
Niles
As long as your conscience is clear. I'm not sure mine would be.
Frasier
Well frankly, I don't care about your conscience. I don't need your approval, I don't need you to like it. Frankly, I don't need you for anything. [gets ready to leave] By the way, Niles, my car's in the shop, I need you to give me a ride home tonight.
Niles
No problem.
Roz
Twenty seconds. And I've got news for you: Marco's on line two.
Frasier
[feigning ignorance] Marco?
Roz
Oh, you know. The guy you got out of the way so you could keep his girlfriend for yourself? [Frasier goes into the recording booth] Ten seconds.
Frasier
I'm not talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. There's no way I'm talking to him.
Roz
Three, two...
Frasier
[on air] Hi, we're back. Roz, whom do we have on the line?
Roz
We have Marco on line two.
Frasier
Who's this on line three?
Roz
Ooh, Todd. [disconnects line] Oh darn, we lost Todd. [Frasier is not amused] But lucky for you we still have Marco on line two.
Frasier
Thank you, Roz. [to caller] Hello, Marco.
Marco
Hi, Dr. Crane. I spoke to you the other day and I took your advice. I broke up with my girlfriend.
Frasier
Well, what can I say but, ah... Bravo, Marco! Roz, who's our next caller?
Marco
[on radio:] Wait, wait-wait-wait. You haven't heard my problem. I think she's already dating someone else. It really makes me nuts.
Frasier
What makes you think she's seeing someone else?
Marco
Well, the other night I couldn't get her on the phone. So I drove by her house, and I saw her parked outside talking to some guy in a black BMW.
Frasier
Did you, ah... get a good look at the guy?
Marco
No. It was too dark. I think I made a big mistake, Doc. Do you think I should ask her to take me back?
Frasier
No! What I mean is, ah... no. Marco, you don't want your ex- girlfriend back, you just don't want anybody else to have her. Isn't that true?
Marco
Well, I...
Frasier
No, it's called jealousy, Marco. Now you've got to stop spying on your ex-girlfriend and get on with your life. Borrow a page from my book - ah, move to a new city, a new state. Find out why everybody's talking about Pittsburgh!
Frasier
We'll be right back after these messages.
Frasier
What?!
Frasier
Thanks for coming to get me, Niles.
Niles
No problem, Frasier. Just a few miles out of my way. At rush hour. But I didn't mind, really. Gave me a chance to listen to your show. [looks pointedly at Frasier]
Frasier
I see.
Niles
I just have one question for you: can you honestly tell me that the advice you gave Marco was based on his best interests and not on your own?
Frasier
Well, that's an interesting question, Niles. And I'll tell you something. I don't care. I'm in love, and I don't care. Catherine is mine now. I'm in, and Marco's out.
Niles
You're insane.
Frasier
Perhaps. But you just ran a stop sign. [Niles slams on the brakes] Now we're in the middle of the intersection. [car horns blare, Niles drives on] I'll tell you, Niles, I, ah... I haven't Felt this way in ages. There's an excitement about this. I, I feel tingly.
Niles
What's your stomach have to say about this?
Frasier
My stomach?
Niles
I definitely know what I'm talking about. Ever since you were a child, if you even approached a breach of ethics you'd get queasy. Actually, you'd get physically sick.
Frasier
Well, at least when it came to ethics I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds.
Niles
Remember the time we lifted that dollar bill from mom's change purse? We left quite a gruesome trail back to the tree house that day.
Frasier
Ah, but you see, Niles, you've proved my point. I'm not the least bit queasy, I'm fine. My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system, they're all shouting the same thing - It's okay! [looks around] Niles? Niles, this is a new car?
Niles
Yes, actually it is. Patient of mine got me a huge break on a lease. [puts his finger to his nose] Frasier, do you have a handkerchief?
Catherine
Mmm. That was the most delicious salmon Marseilles I've ever tasted.
Frasier
Well, maybe you should try my "salmon-chanted evening."
Catherine
Oh, no. Tell me you didn't say that.
Frasier
No, it was just the Laffite talking. "Laffite don't fail me now."
Catherine
C'mon, stop, stop.
Catherine
So, have you ever made love in the kitchen?
Frasier
[he drops and smashes a plate in the sink] Well, the ah, dishes are done.
Catherine
Mmm, ah, ah...
Frasier
Mmm, oh, ah... [then:] Aaugh! [he stands up]
Catherine
What was that?
Frasier
I'm sorry. I'm suddenly feeling a little queasy. Maybe I'm just not a kitchen person.
Catherine
Well ah, maybe you're just a little too warm, huh? [starts to unbutton his shirt] Yeah?
Frasier
Well, yeah.
Catherine
Oh, God...
Frasier
Yeah, that's it. You know, you look awfully warm too.
Catherine
Oh, I am.
Frasier
[unbuttons her blouse] Oh, my God.
Catherine
Yes, oh...
Frasier
I'm sorry. Would you... would you mind if we, if we moved to the sofa? I'm not going to be out-performed by a Barcalounger.
Catherine
No. [they move, Frasier carrying Catherine]
Frasier
Oh, this is good.
Catherine
Yes, it is.
Frasier
This is better
Catherine
Oh...
Frasier
Eee-ugh!
Catherine
What?! Was I kneeling on you?
Frasier
Really, maybe I need some fresh air. [moves to balcony] Are you okay?
Catherine
Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Frasier
Oh damn, it wasn't the fish!
Catherine
You know there's a bug going round.
Frasier
It's not a bug.
Catherine
Well what is it, then?
Frasier
It's us. Every time we touch and kiss I get queasy.
Catherine
What are you telling me? That the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach?
Frasier
Yes, but don't take it personally!
Catherine
[sarcastic] Well, why would I?
Frasier
It's, it's not you. Ah, it's, it's me. Every time I come close to breaching my ethics, I-I end up getting sick.
Catherine
What are you talking about?
Frasier
Marco called into the show today and... he said he was thinking of getting back with you and I told him not to.
Catherine
So?
Frasier
Well, I just have a feeling that... maybe I told him that not because it was good for him, but because it was good for me.
Catherine
Oh, Frasier, who cares? [kisses him]
Frasier
Well, I do. I care. You know? Look, any psychiatrist worth his salt would care. That's why we don't get involved with our patients. Or their girlfriends.
Catherine
Are you, are you saying you want to break up with me?
Frasier
No, I don't want to. I have to. If I don't, I'll throw up all over your shoes.
Catherine
I can't believe this is happening. God, how can this be so easy for you?
Frasier
Easy?! This is killing me! You think I don't want to pick you up right now, carry you over to that Eames classic and show you why it's the best-engineered chair in the world?!
Catherine
Well, why don't you then?
Frasier
I told you, I can't.
Catherine
Oh! And nothing I can say will change your mind?
Frasier
I'm sorry.
Catherine
Well thank you, Dr. Crane! First you screw things up with Marco, and now you're dumping me? God! And to think I was going to have sex with you. [twisting the knife] And it was going to be hot. Oh, like you've never had before. I'm talking raw, steamy, sweat-dripping-down-your-back, neighbors- pounding-on-the-wall, ILLEGAL-IN-FORTY-EIGHT-STATES-KIND-OF-SEX! But, hey! You're okay, you won't be alone tonight. No, you've got your ETHICS!
Catherine
Oh, by the way... the fish was dry. [exits]
Frasier
Oh, that was a cheap shot!
Frasier
How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions you face are "who's going to walk me?" "Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.