Beloved Infidel
Aired 4th November 1993 · Written by Leslie Eberhard · Directed by Andy Ackerman
Frasier
Danielle, you're going to have to slow down a little bit, I'm having a hard time understanding you.
Danielle
[v.o.; strong French accent] I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I'm having a big, big problem with my monsieur.
Frasier
Excuse me, with your what?
Danielle
My monsieur.
Frasier
Your mithyuer?
Danielle
Oui, my monsieur. Every day...
Frasier
Is that your mother?
Danielle
No. My monsieur.
Frasier
Your masseur? Your Mercedes?
Danielle
Monsieur! My monsieur! You must help me.
Frasier
Well Danielle, I, I, um... the best advice I can give you is to umm... either confront your mithyuer, or um, work on your self-esteem. Thank you for your call. [hangs up] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying go out and have a good night, Seattle. You deserve it.
Frasier
Roz! Aren't you screening these calls?
Roz
Yeah. But when you only have one, you get a little less particular.
Frasier
[admiring Roz] You look nice.
Roz
Yeah? Well, I've got a date tonight.
Frasier
Oh, great... Why are you only wearing one heel? Did you break it off?
Roz
No, I'm dating a sea-captain with a peg-leg and this makes it easier when we dance. [then] I broke it off in a sidewalk grate.
Frasier
Okay, so who is this guy? Another one of those trendy young kids who's got three earrings and a ponytail, wearing a T-shirt under his sports coat?
Roz
Is he here?
Frasier
Roz! Where do you meet these people?
Roz
For your information, this guy happens to be a very successful media consultant. He graduated from Princeton, he has a house on Mercer Island and he owns a forty-foot sailboat.
Frasier
You met him on a bus, didn't you?
Roz
No. Actually we shared a cab... Alright, he was driving it.
Niles
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Hi, Niles. You remember Roz?
Niles
Yes, of course. [shakes Roz by the hand] What brings you here?
Roz
Just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career.
Niles
Good luck. [to Frasier] Sorry I'm late, Frasier, but the entrance to your parking garage is blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail, scraping gum off his back seat.
Frasier
[to Roz] Madame, your chariot awaits. [Roz exits] Well, we better get going, Niles.
Niles
Oh actually, bad news on that score, Frasier. I'm afraid the lecture's been cancelled.
Frasier
Oh. Well, I can't say I'm really disappointed. I wasn't relishing the idea of three hours on "Right brain, Left brain synergy."
Niles
I'll have you know I trimmed that speech to two and a half hours and I opened with a really funny Al Gore joke.
Frasier
Well, it's no use crying over spilt milk. Now... we've got a free evening. This sound like the perfect opportunity for a couple of guys on the loose to, ah... hit a sports bar, have a couple of brewskis, maybe take in a game or two.
Niles
Right. What shall we do?
Frasier
Dinner?
Niles
Perfect. No place fancy, I'm sure neither of us wants a heavy meal with lots of wine and expensive desserts.
Frasier
Oh, it's your turn to pay, isn't it?
Niles
You know me so well. [they leave]
Niles
Thank you.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
Are you sure it's all right to park in that lot across the street? The sign says it was just for customers of those stores, I don't want to get a ticket.
Frasier
No, it's fine, Niles.
Niles
I mean, I could get just nip back to Crabtree & Evelyn and buy a bar of lavender soap, just to be safe. [stands]
Frasier
Oh Niles, Niles. Sit down. Lavender soap - for God's sake, you're a man, you'd look ridiculous.
Waitress
Can I get you a drink?
Frasier
Fuzzy Navel, blended nice and frothy, please. And a... martini, Niles?
Niles
No thanks, I'm driving. [he's still worried about his car] Maybe I'll buy a bag of Potpourri, or a set of hand towels.
Frasier
Just sit down.
Niles
Frasier. Unless my eyes deceive me, that's Dad sitting over there.
Frasier
God, you're right. Gee, that's strange, he said he was going over to Duke's to have a beer with a couple of the boys.
Niles
Well, that certainly isn't the boys. Seems we've caught him in a clandestine rendezvous.
Frasier
The sly boots. He had a date, and he didn't want us to know.
Niles
Oh, he's looking this way, turn around, turn around!
Frasier
What are they doing?
Niles
[peeking] Well, it's sort of cute. He's holding her hand. [Frasier risks a peek] Don't look, don't look. I'll tell you when you can look. Not now... Not now... Okay, now. [Frasier looks] No, not now! [Frasier hides again] Oh, I don't like this one bit.
Frasier
Why, what are they doing now?
Niles
Oh nothing, I just realized if Dad's eating here this can't be a very good restaurant.
Frasier
You know, I wonder if it's their first date?
Niles
Well, if it is, they seem to be having a very good time.
Frasier
Why, what are they doing?
Niles
Well, they're leaning in and talking to each other. He's smiling at her, she's... just collapsed in tears, she's sobbing uncontrollably.
Frasier
Oh, yeah. That's a Crane first date all right.
Niles
She's coming this way, hide. [the woman passes their table] Frasier, do you know who that is?
Frasier
She did look familiar.
Niles
I'd swear that was Marion Lawler.
Frasier
Marion Lawler? My God, I haven't heard that name since I was a kid.
Niles
I thought Mom and Dad had a huge falling-out with the Lawlers.
Frasier
They did, they did. It was that last summer we shared a cabin with them at the lake.
Niles
Well, maybe Dad's getting together just to patch things up.
Frasier
And doing his usual bang-up job.
Niles
This is really awkward. We should just get out of here.
Frasier
No, Niles. If we leave now, he's sure to spot us. [looks out the window] You know, Niles, maybe you should have that martini after all.
Niles
I can't drink, Frasier. I'm driving.
Frasier
Not anymore, they just towed your car.
Daphne
Eddie, you little hooligan. Get off that couch. You know you're not supposed to do that. If Dr. Crane sees you, he's going to throw you off the balcony and I'll be right behind you. [puts Eddie on the floor] Good boy. Now just stay there.
Frasier
Well, Eddie. Glad to see my rules about the couch are finally taking hold.
Frasier
Good dog. [shouts] Dad? Daphne?
Daphne
[entering] Oh, hello Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Hello, Daphne. Say, where's Dad?
Daphne
Mr. Dawcy down on eight invited him over to watch the ball game.
Frasier
Oh, great. He's finally getting to know some of the neighbors.
Frasier
What are you staring at?
Daphne
Have you ever thought about growing a moustache?
Frasier
No, I don't think it would suit me.
Daphne
Oh, yes it does.
Frasier
You've never seen me with one.
Daphne
Actually, I have. There's a billboard for your show down on Sixteenth Street. Some kids went at you with a can of spray paint.
Frasier
And it looked good?
Daphne
Oh, yes. But a word to the wise - take good care of your teeth. That look is not at all flattering on you. [the doorbell rings] I'll get it. [she opens the door for Niles] Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Daphne
What brings you here?
Niles
A rental car, thanks to my brother.
Frasier
I assume you're here for a reason?
Niles
Ah, yes. Frasier, last night when I got home, that strange incident with Dad and Mrs. Lawler got me to thinking, what was it that caused the rift between our two families? So, I dug out my old boyhood journal, [produces it] and looked up my entries from our last summer together at the lake. According to this, there was a three-week period where Mom and Dad had screaming matches every night, after we went to bed.
Frasier
I don't recall that.
Niles
Oh, that's right. That was the same period where you insisted on wearing the wax earplugs and the slumber mask.
Frasier
Well, I had to, what with you underneath the covers with a flashlight looking at the National Geographic.
Niles
I was looking at the maps.
Frasier
That's what makes it so scary. Now what was your point?
Niles
Well, according to my journal, something more provocative happened during that same period. Here, read this. [hands over book]
Frasier
[reading] "Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth..." Niles, how old were you when you wrote this?
Niles
Almost nine. Which explains the redundancy — "Vapid" and "Vacuous."
Frasier
Well...
Niles
By ten, my writing had gotten considerably tighter.
Frasier
Amongst other things.
Niles
The point is, that same night I crept out onto the screen porch, leaving the lights off so not to attract bats and moths. As I peered out through the darkness, between the trees I saw the figures of Dad and Mrs. Lawler in each other's arms. I think it's pretty clear what happened, Frasier. Dad and Mrs. Lawler had an affair.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Niles. Look, I appreciate your attempt to spice up our family history, but really - look, we're not a Jackie Collins novel, it's ridiculous.
Niles
Is it? All right, allow me to present Exhibit B. This is a photo album Mom prepared of photos from the same period.
Daphne
Ooh, I love to see old family photos. [looks] My goodness— what a handsome, sinewy young bloke.
Frasier
Yeah, that was our dad.
Daphne
You two take after your mother, don't you?
Niles
All right, all right, look at this picture. And this one here. That's Dad, but the person next to him has been cut out. And, if you look at this one you can still see the edges of a dress and a handbag and tan sandals.
Daphne
Here's one whose head should have been cut out. That scrawny little chap with the fish-belly complexion and rain hat.
Niles
[for it is he] I was under doctor's orders to stay out of direct sunlight.
Frasier
Look, we don't know for sure if that was Mrs. Lawler. And besides, even then it wouldn't prove that Dad had an affair with her.
Daphne
What are you two talking about?
Frasier
Oh, Niles has this theory that Dad had an illicit affair when we were youngsters.
Daphne
Your father? I can't believe that, he's not the type.
Frasier
Well, that's what I think. Besides Niles, there's not enough proof.
Niles
Well, are you saying it's not possible?
Frasier
Oh, anything is possible.
Daphne
Then why don't you just ask him?
Frasier
Right. "Good evening, father. By the way, did you boff one of the neighbors while we were roasting marshmallows?"
Niles
Ah, ah. There's one sure way to get the truth. We'll call Aunt Vivian. [goes to phone]
Frasier
Oh, no.
Daphne
Who's Aunt Vivian?
Niles
Better known as The Mouth. Keeper of the Crane family skeletons.
Frasier
[takes phone from Niles] No, Niles, we are not calling Aunt Vivian.
Niles
Why? Are you scared you'll find out something you don't want to know?
Frasier
Yes. That she knows where I live and that she still drives.
Daphne
You two are worse than a couple old washerwomen gossiping over a back fence. I'm telling you, the way to sort this is to ask your father.
Martin
Ask me what?
Daphne
Your sons here have some cock-eyed notion that you had an affair with some woman thirty years ago.
Martin
What? [both Niles and Frasier hang their heads in shame] Where the hell'd that idea come from?
Niles
Well, last night... Frasier saw you having dinner with Marion Lawler.
Frasier
You were with me!
Martin
So what were you doing, spying on me?
Frasier
No, no Dad, we were just having dinner together - at the same time when you were supposed to be having some drinks with your buddies at Duke's.
Martin
And that proves I had an affair thirty years ago?
Frasier
No, no. But Niles dug out his journal and then he remembered this time when he saw you and her hugging, and it was right around the same time when you and Mom seemed to be fighting a lot.
Niles
And then you suddenly stopped seeing the Lawlers.
Martin
I don't believe this, this is stupid.
Daphne
That's what I told them. The hens here were even going to give some Aunt Vivian person a call.
Martin
Ah... Daphne, would you give me a minute alone with these two?
Daphne
Of course. I completely understand. [under her breath, as she leaves] That's right, send the help to her room. I never get to hear any of the good stuff anyway.
Martin
Look, don't bother calling Aunt Vivian. You want to know the truth? Fine. I had an affair. It happened a long time ago and it's not anything I'm proud of. And now that I've answered all your questions, do me a favor. This is never to be brought up again, understand? End of discussion.
Niles
Well... it's times like this that most families pull together and draw strength from each other. [beat] What shall we do?
Frasier
[to waiter] Oh, thank you.
Niles
[sitting] Good, you're here. I came by to see how you're doing, but I only have a few minutes. I start my "Healing with Humor" support group tonight, and I still have to pick up my big shoes.
Frasier
How am I doing? How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?
Niles
Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through, and I might point out that I got Mom's small features, while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
Frasier
The point is, that it must have caused Mom a great deal of pain.
Niles
Agreed, but they went on and had a very happy life together. They got over it. Why can't you?
Frasier
I know that rationally I should be able to handle this. I deal with people who exemplify human frailty every day.
Frasier
But in this case it's not people, is it? One of our parents had an illicit affair. [the man's ears prick up at this] How could he cheat with Marion, knowing the effect it would have on Mom, not to mention the repercussions it would have on you and me later on... [to man] Why don't you just pull up a chair and join us?
Frasier
I just can't believe that it's our father. You know, I never had a great relationship with him. But if there was one thing I always respected about him, it was his integrity. Just thinking about what they did, it just sickens me.
Niles
Frasier, as your brother, as a therapist, I think you have to let this go. And a good first step would be to come with me to my "Healing with Humor" support group.
Frasier
Thank you Niles, but I think I just need a night to myself.
Niles
Well, if you change your mind it should be a hoot. As we speak, I'm wearing oversized polka-dot boxers and quick-release suspenders.
Frasier
Well, I see all sorts of things have been going on behind my back!
Marion
Frasier?
Frasier
[coldly] Yes.
Marion
You may not remember me. Marion Lawler.
Frasier
Yes, I remember you. [they shake hands]
Marion
Is your dad home?
Frasier
Ah, no. but if you come back later you can have the place to yourselves.
Marion
No, that's not necessary. I had dinner with him the other night, and I left rather abruptly. I just wanted to tell him I'm sorry. Would you please give him my best?
Frasier
Oh, I think you've already done that.
Marion
Did I come at a bad time? You seem upset.
Frasier
Would you come in for a moment, please? [she enters] After you met with Dad the other night, ah, he and I had a little conversation. That was the first time I learned what happened that summer.
Marion
Oh, I'm sorry.
Frasier
Well... I guess I'm not the sort of person who can hear news like that and just sweep it under the rug and forget about it.
Marion
I know you're upset. But if it's any consolation, in time your father and I forgave them.
Frasier
[suddenly realizing] Forgave them?
Marion
Frasier, your mother was a good person. So was my husband. They made a mistake. Anyway, just tell your father I stopped by. I felt so silly crying in front of him the other night. I've been a little overemotional since Dan died.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Marion
Well, you never know how hard that's going to hit you. Look who I'm telling this to - the famous radio psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane. I remember you when you used to run around in your undies with your pail and shovel.
Frasier
Yes, well I rarely get to the shore anymore.
Marion
Well... goodbye, Frasier.
Frasier
Goodbye.
Daphne
Working down at the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons. My father worked on the docks, and me grandfather before him. All my brothers do. Well, except for my brother Billy. He came home one day, and announced he hated the smell of fish and was going to teach ballroom dancing. And he did. And he does. He's my mum's favorite. Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.
Martin
How much longer do I have to do this?
Daphne
Be patient. You don't want to go through life dragging your leg behind you like a dead tree branch.
Martin
I'm talking about listening to your family's history.
Daphne
Now, I know you don't mean that. Why would a man of your intelligence say a thing like that when you're in the position you're in- [flexes his leg] and I'm in the position I'm in?
Martin
All right, all right!
Daphne
Up you come. [helps Martin to stand] That's much better. I'll go run your bath.
Frasier
Hi, Dad. You look kinda tired.
Martin
[settling into chair, turning on TV] Yeah. Just finished my exercises with Nurse Ratchet.
Frasier
Ah, listen Dad, do you have to watch the TV right now?
Martin
Yeah, my program's on.
Frasier
Well, you know, if either of us could work the VCR, we'd tape it. But, ah, just for now there's something I'd like to talk to you about. [turns off TV]
Martin
Oh, for God's sake, Frasier. I know what this is, I've already told you everything I'm going to. Now drop it.
Frasier
Dad. Why didn't you tell me the truth?
Martin
I did.
Frasier
Marion Lawler came by today. She wanted to apologize for the other night. While she was here, she... she told me what really happened.
Martin
Alright, so now you know. You did your little digging, and you stuck your nose in where it didn't belong, are you happy now?
Frasier
Why didn't you tell me it was Mom?
Martin
Because it's none of your damn business, and it still isn't.
Frasier
Look dad, I don't blame you for being defensive, but I had a right to know. For your information, this sort of thing happens to a lot of people. If it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel. I never told you this but, um... Lilith did the same thing to me.
Martin
Lilith had an affair?
Frasier
The most painful and humiliating experience of my entire life. Well, I'm sure you felt the same way.
Martin
Well, I hadn't thought about it for quite some time, but thanks for reminding me. [starts laughing] Lilith?
Frasier
I found her attractive. I mean, is it so inconceivable that another man might find her attractive as well?
Martin
[not convinced] I guess. So who was the bozo in your case?
Frasier
Oh, God. A Frenchman who lived in a self-contained underground eco-pod.
Martin
Well, that still sounds better than a urologist with a bad comb-over.
Frasier
I'm sorry, dad.
Martin
Look son, do me a favor. Don't hate your mother for this. I wasn't the easiest person to live with back then, and she had plenty of reason to do what she did. Luckily we were able to put it behind us, but I'll tell you... there were times when it really tore me up. I loved your mother.
Frasier
So did I.
Martin
I'm sorry. That's why I said I was the one who had the affair. I was just trying to protect her. Hey, me you already had problems with.
Frasier
Well dad, I appreciate what you did, but ah, I still think you should have told me.
Martin
Listen. When Frederick grows up, will you tell him what Lilith did to you?
Martin
Okay. Can I watch my program now?
Frasier
Oh, no. Just one second. [gets the photo album] There's one thing I gotta clear up. There's this photo album here, there's all these pictures with the same woman that's been cut out of them, you see this?
Martin
What else do you notice, Sherlock? Like, where's your mother?
Frasier
Oh. Oh, that was mom?
Martin
She cut herself out of it. She put a few pounds on that summer. I think that day she was wearing a brown dress with a belt, and your Aunt Vivian told her she looked like a knockwurst tied in the middle.
Frasier
You know dad, ever since you moved in we've been trying to find something that we have in common. I think we've finally found it.
Martin
Yeah... wish it was a birthmark.
Frasier
So do I.