Selling Out

Roger

[v.o.] Well, I had a really good year. I decided hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted - a forty- eight foot cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me: three hundred grand, not to mention the twenty thou for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: the wife wants to call this incredible vessel Lulubelle, after her mother. Lulubelle! So I say, "no, we call it the Intrepid." So what do you think it should be called? Lulubelle or the Intrepid?

Frasier

[after a beat] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier

And now, [reading] "Hungry for Chinese tonight? I always"... Uh, I'm sorry, I just - we're experiencing technical difficulties. Let's go to a pre-recorded commercial message.

Frasier

Roz, why did you hand me this copy? I don't do personal endorsements.

Roz

What is the big deal? All the other personalities do them.

Frasier

The other personalities aren't doctors. If I allow myself to become a common pitchman, I lose all my credibility. I am a wise man, a shaman.

Roz

Zip up your fly, wise man.

Bulldog

Whoa, Doc! This is a radio studio, not a bus terminal.

Frasier

Look who's here, Roz. Noel Coward.

Roz

Listen Bulldog, I hate to mix business with revulsion, but Frasier, as usual, will not do this promo...

Bulldog

Love to. [snatches copy from Roz]

Roz

Great. I need it done now.

Bulldog

No problem. Doc, doc, with all due respect, you're an idiot. These promos are easy money.

Frasier

The money is irrelevant. It's a question of integrity.

Bulldog

Integrity? [raps on Frasier's forehead] Hello? We're talking mucho dinero. But hey, the more you turn these down, the more liver snacks for the Bulldog. [goes into recording booth]

Frasier

[reading a piece of paper from Roz's desk] What is this with my name on it here, Roz?

Roz

Oh, that's the contract for the "Hunan Palace" gig. It's how much they were going to pay you.

Frasier

Wow.

Roz

I guess I need to have them change the name on here to Bulldog's.

Frasier

They pay you that much money just to read some copy?

Roz

Yeah. Of course, Bulldog usually adds his own special touch.

Bulldog

Aww, so you come chop-chop to "Hoo-nan Parace," where Pekin' duck is awrays extla clispy!

Roz

[to Frasier] We're gonna get sued this time, for sure.

Frasier

Damn it! I just put a dent in my front bumper when I pulled into my parking space. Does anybody know what happened to that tennis ball I hung over my space so I wouldn't pull up too far?

Martin

He was bored, he needed a toy. Hey, go ahead and throw it, he'll run and get it for you.

Martin

He didn't think that was funny, and he knows where you sleep.

Frasier

Dad, Daphne, a situation has arisen over at work and uh, I'm not sure how it should be handled. I was hoping maybe your objective viewpoint could uh, be helpful.

Martin

Sure, shoot.

Frasier

Well, what would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product?

Daphne

Oh, you mean like Cher does?

Frasier

Thank you Daphne, one against. Dad?

Martin

What's the product?

Frasier

Well, the station wanted me to do a commercial for a Chinese restaurant.

Martin

Well, what's the problem?

Frasier

Well, I hold a position of trust in this community, and people do what I tell them to, and I would hate to be accused of abusing that position. The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, don't you think?

Daphne

What about Dr. Sneezy's cold medicine?

Frasier

Dr. Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus should have probably tipped you off.

Martin

I say take the money and run.

Frasier

Well, you know, I'm tempted, if for no other reason than to keep Bulldog from further alienating the Asian-American community. I just want to make sure I don't compromise my principles.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, you've dedicated your live to helping people, haven't you?

Frasier

Well, yes.

Daphne

Well, suppose one of your listeners was in a quandary over where to buy good Chinese food? Wouldn't your commercial be helping them?

Martin

Look, why don't you just go down there? If you like the food do the commercial, if you don't, don't.

Frasier

I suppose that's the logical approach. Why don't the three of us go tonight? I'll make a call. Oh, I'd better make the reservations under a different name, I don't want any special treatment, you know. [dials] I want them - I just want to be treated like an average working Joe. [into phone] Good evening... Yes... yes, we'd like a reservation for three this evening at eight. Oh, nothing 'til ten? Oh, well then, ah, this is Dr. Frasier Crane... from the radio, and ah... Yes, I thought you might. Thank you. [hangs up] We're in at 9:45.

Frasier

Did I say tasty? Tasty doesn't do justice to those succulent pot-stickers. And the kung pao chicken - ooh, don't get me started. "So if you've got a yen for Chinese tonight, hurry on down to the Hunan Palace." Well, that's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane hoping we'll see you tomorrow, on KACL 780 AM.

Frasier

You know Roz, I think I'm getting the knack for doing these promos. Did you hear that little ad-lib I did about the "yen" for Chinese food?

Roz

Yeah. By the way, "yen" is Japanese, not Chinese.

Frasier

Well... Did I tell you, I got a call from the owners of the Hunan Palace the other day, they said that since I started doing these commercials their business had gone up by 30 percent.

Roz

Well, isn't that what advertising is supposed to do?

Frasier

Yes it is, Miss Sour-Britches, give me a little credit. My God, I've pleased the boys upstairs, I've gotten perfect strangers to try a new restaurant, and most importantly, I've helped a struggling immigrant family who came to these shores a mere twelve years ago, with nothing more than a dream, a few recipes, and a wok.

Bebe

Dr. Crane? What a privilege this is.

Frasier

Excuse me?

Bebe

Bebe Glaser. I'm Bulldog Briscoe's agent.

Frasier

Ah. Ah, well. Pleasure meeting you.

Bebe

Listen. I'm not usually this forward, but I'm going to come right out and say it. I've done some research and I know you're not represented by anyone, how would you feel about signing on with me as a client? If your answer is no, it won't hurt my feelings.

Frasier

Well, I really don't think so.

Bebe

[sorrowfully] Why?

Frasier

It's not that I'm not flattered, Miss Glaser, but umm... you see, I'm not really a radio personality per se.

Bebe

Oh come on, Dr. Crane, I've heard those spots you've done for that Chinese restaurant, you make me want to stuff my face full of egg rolls and... I don't know what.

Frasier

Thank you. Uh... but I, you see, I dine at the Hunan Palace frequently, and uh, that's the only reason I did those commercials.

Bebe

The last thing I would ever want you to do is to advertise something you don't believe in. I am an agent, not a pimp.

Frasier

Well, I don't mean to offend...

Bebe

Are you kidding? You're terrific, you can't offend me. Let me just leave you with my card.

Frasier

Well, I really don't think that's necessary.

Bebe

[snatches card back] Give me back my card. I will not let you call me. It is too refreshing to meet someone who isn't seduced by the almighty dollar. I would refuse your call. [checks watch] Ah, I've got to go. Flying to Palo Alto, my daughter's at Stanford. [starts to leave] Ah, wait. You don't have kids, do you?

Frasier

Well yes, I have a five year-old son.

Bebe

Lucky you, you won't have to worry about it for years. [starts to leave again]

Frasier

Worry about what?

Bebe

[returns] Tuition, innocent. Oh wait, I see. You're going to send him to a state college.

Frasier

Well no, no. I plan to send him to my alma mater, Harvard.

Bebe

Ouch! Kiss it and make it better. Have you seen Business Week's projection for college costs in the year 2010? [gives a small, high pitched squeal] Oh! I've got to go, that plane is not going to wait for little Bebe. [walks off again]

Frasier

Well, you know, maybe we should talk, sometime.

Bebe

Let's talk now. [comes back] I think I can die peacefully without seeing the first half of the Stanford-Cal game. [they walk off arm in arm]

Frasier

You see, it's not that I object to doing commercials, it's just that I would have to try a product first before I could endorse it.

Bebe

Dr. Crane, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Martin

Tell me again why I'm here?

Frasier

Because if I do the commercial I have to say that my friends and family enjoy this, and I won't say it unless it's true.

Daphne

I feel kind of silly sitting here in the showroom.

Frasier

Well I apologize for that, but it's the best place to try one. So, tell me the truth. Aren't you two enjoying this?

Daphne

Well, I do like the bubbles. It's a little like sitting in hot champagne. Not that I've done that very much.

Frasier

Dad, did you know that this unit is made from the same heat resistant space-age polymer that's used on the NASA space shuttles?

Martin

Great. Next time I'm re-entering the earth's atmosphere in a hot tub I won't have to worry.

Frasier

Well? Do you like it?

Martin

...I have to admit, it's making my hip feel a little better.

Frasier

That's all I needed to hear. My friends like it, my family likes it - I like it. I can do the commercial and Frederick can go to Harvard. [a man walks into the showroom] Oh my god! Isn't that Dave Hendler from our building? You know, he's the head of the Seattle Psychiatric Association.

Daphne

That's not Dave Hendler.

Martin

Shh, don't worry about it. Enjoy the quiet while you can.

Advert

...soothing bubbles, bubbles that will ease your aching body. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. In these pressure-packed times, what could be better that a warm, relaxing dip in a Renwood hot tub? Let Renwood's patented Ultra-Blow air system surround your body. My family and friends like it...

Daphne

[to Martin] That's us.

Advert

...and you'll like it too. And if you act quickly, you'll receive a complimentary scum guard. So hurry down to your Redwood Hot-tub dealer. Say Frasier Crane sent you.

Frasier

[turns off recording] Well? What do you think?

Daphne

I could almost smell the chlorine.

Frasier

Dad? How about you?

Martin

[leaving] I liked it.

Frasier

Really?

Martin

Yeah. I liked it.

Frasier

You really, really like it?

Martin

No, I liked it.

Frasier

Well, what was wrong with it?

Martin

Nothing.

Frasier

You hated it, didn't you?

Martin

Yeah. Goodnight, Frasier. [exits]

Bebe

Hello, darling. [enters]

Frasier

Bebe.

Bebe

First off, mea culpa for dropping by unannounced, but you are going to kiss me when you hear what I've done for you.

Frasier

Oh... hello.

Daphne

Hi.

Frasier

Oh, no no no no no. Bebe, this is Daphne Moon, my father's physical therapist. [Bebe laughs, as if to say "the very idea."] Well, I believe I was about to kiss you for something.

Bebe

Well, today I got a very attractive offer for you to be a product spokesman, and we know they're serious because it's pay or play.

Frasier

Ooh... [he says to cover his bafflement]

Daphne

That's the best kind. You get your money whether you do it or not.

Bebe

Well, listen to this one.

Frasier

How do you know that?

Daphne

Well, I must confess, there is a chapter of my life I haven't told you or your father about. Back when I was twelve, I starred in a television show in England. Well, I'll leave you to your business. [makes to escape]

Frasier

Daphne, Daphne, just get back here. You what?

Daphne

I starred in a TV series. It was quite popular in its day, maybe you've heard of it? "Mind Your Knickers"? It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off. [leaves]

Frasier

The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another. Well anyway, back to business. What have you got for me?

Bebe

[producing tin of nuts] Voila. Emery's Nuts.

Frasier

Oh, dear. Oh, I can't endorse these.

Bebe

Why not?

Frasier

Well, for one thing I don't like them, and they're sixty percent fat, they're laced with salt and they wreak havoc with my diverticulitis.

Bebe

Of course they do, they're nuts.

Frasier

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't.

Bebe

Well... then I will just tell them they can take their five figure deal and find someone else.

Frasier

Five figures?

Bebe

Didn't I mention, precious? This is for television, the big kahuna.

Frasier

Television?

Bebe

Well, I understand if you have a problem.

Frasier

Well I-I... I don't mean to be difficult, I do have my standards, you know? I only endorse things that I like or... or I think are therapeutic, like the hot-tub.

Bebe

Let me pinch you, you're not real!

Frasier

Well...

Bebe

But still, I... I wonder if you're not being the tiniest bit shortsighted. Research has shown that a single television commercial can turn an obscure radio personality into a national celebrity... a year from now, someone like you could be broadcasting your message of hope and healing not just to the Pacific Northwest, but to the entire nation. But of course, there's not much I can [opening tin] do about it if you [slides tin over to Frasier] don't like the product.

Frasier

I've never been one hundred percent happy with my nose.

Bebe

You can't be serious. That's a nose people trust.

Bebe

Finally, a script. Thanks, Jeff. [hands it to Frasier] Seen it already, you're going to love it.

Frasier

[reading] "Two nuts are arguing with each other." That's cute. "�I'm a nut.' �No, I'm a nut!'" Ha, that's funny. Ah... "�Hold it, you're both nuts. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist, and I know a nut when I see one.'" Hmm, I just, I don't know abut that line.

Bebe

Oh, what's wrong? It's a scream.

Frasier

Yes, but it... it may be a scream, but it, it's... what's the word I'm looking for?

Bebe

What? "Tuition?!" "Retirement beach house?!" [calms down] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, it's just that I want so much for you.

Frasier

Bebe, I don't want to get a reputation for being difficult, but I... I'm just not comfortable with this line.

Bebe

Frasier? Frasier, Frasier. How long have we been together?

Frasier

Six days.

Bebe

Do you think I would ever have you do something that you were uncomfortable with? What makes this so wonderful is that you're spoofing yourself, you're showing that psychiatrists can be loose, you're making shrinks more accessible to the average person.

Frasier

So what you're saying is that I would be doing psychiatry a service by doing this commercial?

Bebe

You have a way of cutting through the baloney that knocks me out cold.

Frasier

[reading] Oh, dear. What does this mean? "Frasier comes out of his shell."

Bebe

It is a... technical term. It's a light... a lighting thing. You, you see, you come out of your shadow, or your shell, into the light.

Frasier

[in awe] I have so much to learn about this business.

Frasier

Oh Niles, Niles, thanks for meeting me, I have to talk to you about something.

Niles

Why do you have that ridiculous tissue around your neck?

Frasier

Well, they didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on.

Niles

Oh, silly me. Here I thought it was just a means to attract attention, to have people come up to you and say, "Are you an actor?" thus affording you the opportunity to say yes, you are indeed an actor, and then proceed to crow, gloat and strut in a way you could not otherwise do.

Frasier

And the reason you have "SHRINK" on your license plate would be...? Niles, listen. I've got to do this commercial in half an hour and... I just don't think I can go through with it, I'm afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist.

Niles

Why do you feel like that?

Frasier

Well, for one thing my co-stars are dressed up as an almond and a walnut. Now listen Niles, I've... I need your guidance.

Niles

Frasier, I don't see this as a problem.

Frasier

You don't think this is the selling out of Frasier Crane?

Niles

Oh, certainly not. You sold out a long time ago. You know, the moment you agreed to do that call-in show, you sold out.

Frasier

Oh, Niles. You are such a purist. Granted, I can't do the kind of in-depth analysis one can with a single patient, but my show helps literally thousands of people a day.

Niles

Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into showbiz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.

Frasier

Well, that has nothing to do with this!

Niles

Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! [pause] And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

Frasier

Niles, will you just tell me, would you do it?

Niles

A nude scene? I suppose if it were integral to the plot...

Frasier

Not a nude scene! Would you do this commercial?

Niles

Oh, certainly not, I'm a respected psychiatrist. [looks at watch, then stands]

Frasier

So what you're saying is that I shouldn't do it.

Niles

No, no no no. I'm saying it doesn't matter. Let's face it, Frasier - they've already looked up your skirt and they've seen everything there is to see.

Martin

What are you still doing up? [sees Frasier rewinding the video] Oh geez, you're not watching the tape of that dumb commercial again!

Frasier

I can't get it off my mind. Did I do the right thing?

Martin

Of course you did. Freddie's gonna thank you for it.

Frasier

Here, watch it with me one more time.

Advert

Stop! You're both nuts! I'm noted psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers and I'm here to tell you that I'm just crazy about Emery's Nuts. So if you're crazy about nuts too, pick up a can of Emery's today. Emery's - the nut lover's nut.

Frasier

[switching off video] I suppose you're right, dad. Freddie will thank me. Dr. Joyce is his favorite psychologist.

Martin

You know, Dr. Joyce is pretty good. I remember her from "Hollywood Squares." She was always under Charlie Weaver.

Frasier

No, no. Charlie Weaver was always on the bottom.

Martin

No, I don't think so. Let's see, Paul Lynn was in the middle, George Goldblum was under him, and... where was Wally Cox?

Frasier

Wally Cox. Uh, upper left, next to Rosemarie Dubarr.

Martin

Oh, right...