The Ring Cycle

Daphne

I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears, my constant friendship and my unending love as long as we both shall live.

Niles

I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife. I vow to you my fidelity and my support, my honor and my respect, my honesty and my protection. You are my comfort, my joy, and my one true love. I will cherish you all the days of my life and treasure the journey that has brought us to this most wonderful perfect place.

Officiant

For most folks that's one too many free cocktails, am I right?

Officiant

Seriously, do you have the rings?

Niles

Oh, no. In my rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.

Daphne

Does this mean we can't get married?

Officiant

It would, if we didn't offer seven different wedding band packages for you to choose from. [He pulls a tray from beneath the podium.] Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from the "B-Steel My Heart", that's genuine stainless right there, to the "Never Ending Love", which can be returned for up to ninety days, no questions asked.

Daphne

They do seem the nicest.

Daphne

Oh, damn, who could be calling at this hour?

Niles

Wow, you certainly don't see six and a half karat gold every day.

Daphne

Hello?

Roz

Daphne, it's Roz. Quick, turn on your TV. My building's on the news.

Daphne

What?

Roz

Some murder/suicide thing, I'm gonna wave to you from my balcony.

Daphne

Darn, I'm not home.

Roz

Where are you?

Daphne

You're not going to believe this, but Niles and I flew to Reno and we're getting married right now!

Roz

You are not!

Daphne

I am so!

Niles

[to Officiant] Apparently it's some sort of dolphin emergency.

Daphne

I should go. I'll tell you everything when we get back. Okay, bye.

Daphne

Sorry.

Officiant

You may exchange rings as a symbol of the promises you've made here today.

Officiant

By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, county of Washoe and the all-new Lucky 7 Resort and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. Good luck!

Officiant

Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.

Niles

He never said "You may kiss the bride."

Daphne

You may kiss the bride.

Frasier

Chop, chop, Dad! Let's get a move on! The last time I was late for the farmer's market, I got the worst of the squash blossoms.

Martin

[muttering] Oh, whatever shall we serve the Duchess?

Frasier

What?!

Martin

I said "I'm coming." And it's not my fault I'm late, it's Daphne's. I don't know where she is, I had to make my own lunch.

Frasier

Oh, dear lord, give it here.

Frasier

Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, and a root beer.

Martin

What's wrong with that?

Frasier

A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see how it took you so long since you did not make anything but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one. Let's go!

Niles

Oh, hello all.

Frasier

Hi.

Martin

Where have you been? I had to make my own lunch.

Frasier

[exasperated] Oh...

Daphne

We've got some big news.

Niles

Yes, um, maybe they should sit down.

Frasier

What's going on?

Daphne

Well, last night, I told Niles that I wanted to marry him right then and there.

Niles

And once I realized she was serious, we rushed out into the night, fully intending to.

Daphne

But then we found out that in Washington, it takes three days to get a marriage license.

Frasier

Well, thank goodness.

Niles

Why?

Frasier

Why?! If we had missed your wedding, well it would have just killed me.

Niles

It would've?

Frasier

Well of course it would. Niles, we've been there through the last ten tortured years of your courtship. How could we not be hurt if we missed the wedding?

Niles

But surely you could understand if, if someone were carried away by their emotions...

Martin

Well, I'm just glad it turned out the way that it did, because it would've just broken my heart.

Niles

Well, we didn't come here to break anyone's heart. We came here to tell you that there's a wedding in three days!

Daphne

Isn't that big news?

Niles

Yes, we're going to have a simple ceremony at the courthouse.

Frasier

That is just wonderful! And you know what? By way of a celebration, please allow me to treat us all to dinner at Couer du Singe. How does that sound, eh?

Daphne

That sounds wonderful.

Roz

Hey, Martin.

Martin

Hey, how ya doin'?

Roz

You want to go to the dog park? [she notices Niles and Daphne] Oh, my God! You guys are here!

Frasier

Well, I'm here too.

Niles

Um, we were just talking about our wedding.

Roz

Oh, good, I want to hear all about it.

Daphne

We're going to have a small civil ceremony on Friday.

Frasier

Yes, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a rush to get to the farmer's market.

Niles

At this hour? I hope you like listless radicchio.

Roz

Okay, what the hell? I thought you guys got married in Reno.

Daphne

We did. But as we were trying to tell Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane, they told us how hurt they'd be if we got married without them.

Niles

Yes, which, in the moment, failed to occur to us. So, to spare their feelings, we're having a fake wedding on Friday.

Roz

Well, that works for me, because Alice is still counting on being a flower girl.

Niles

Of course.

Daphne

Great.

Roz

So if you guys have two weddings, when's your anniversary going to be?

Daphne

Well, to keep up appearances, I suppose it'll have to be the second one, won't it?

Niles

Well, we could celebrate two anniversaries. A public one, and then a second, secret one just for us.

Daphne

Oh, I like that. Sort of sexy having an anniversary only two of us know about.

Roz

Three of us.

Niles

I still can't believe we're married.

Daphne

It's our one-day anniversary.

Roz

And we're the only ones who know.

Daphne

You know, we should celebrate.

Niles

How about going to the dog park?

Daphne

Well, that doesn't sound very romantic.

Niles

I'm not talking to you.

Niles

Nervous?

Daphne

Less than last time. I guess it helps to have had a rehearsal.

Niles

It wasn't a rehearsal, it was the real thing. This is just a... touring company performance.

Daphne

Right.

Gertrude

It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece what with the way you drive.

Roz

I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.

Gertrude

Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?

Alice

Is it because you rode dinosaurs?

Gertrude

You should talk to your daughter.

Roz

When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

Frasier

We're all here, your honor.

Gertrude

Why did we all have to be here just to pick up a bloody license? Couldn't we have met at the church?

Daphne

Mum, we're not going to the church, we're getting married here.

Gertrude

You're what?

Niles

We're having a civil ceremony.

Gertrude

Without a minister? Out of the question.

Daphne

Mum...

Gertrude

That's enough, Daphne. I am your mother and I will not bear witness to a Godless union.

Martin

Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding too, but this is their day, not ours. Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.

Gertrude

If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church.

Anderson

If I may...

Frasier

I'll handle this, Your Honor. Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?

Gertrude

No, He lives at the church. All I'm asking is that you honor the wishes of an old woman, whose every child has been married by a minister, or at least a prison chaplain.

Niles

Perhaps, given the depth of feeling here, it would be best to wait.

Frasier

Yes, well, I suppose we could find a church in reasonably short order.

Daphne

I don't believe this.

Anderson

If you're not going to get married now, perhaps you could all take this out into the hall? I have a schedule to keep.

Gertrude

Roz, take me home.

Niles

We'll call you when we've cleared this all up.

Roz

Okay, let's go, Alice.

Alice

Congratulations.

Gertrude

When you're prepared to have a proper wedding, you know where to find me.

Frasier

That we do! On your fiery throne presiding over the damned! All right, lets-let's go.

Martin

[as they leave] Where are we gonna find a clergyman who'll perform on such short notice?

Frasier

Hey, maybe the judge knows somebody. Hang on a second here. Your honor...

Niles

I'm sorry, Daphne. But it'll just be a few days, and then we can be married.

Daphne

We already are. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I want to wear my wedding ring. I'm Mrs. Niles Crane and I don't want to keep it a secret.

Niles

You just want to tell them the truth?

Daphne

Too complicated. Let's just get married again.

Niles

The wedding's on.

Frasier

What? What about Mrs. Moon?

Daphne

I'm sorry she'll miss it, but that's her choice. Your honor, we've changed our minds, we want to be married.

Anderson

All right, but we have to be quick about this. Are we ready to begin?

Niles

[together with Daphne] Yes.

Anderson

Okay, let's do it. Daphne, please repeat after me.

Daphne

Actually, we've written our own vows.

Anderson

Of course you have.

Daphne

I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears...

Martin

Frasier, you said you wouldn't do this!

Frasier

[blubbering] I say a lot of things.

Niles

Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner.

Daphne

Yes, it was wonderful.

Frasier

It was my pleasure. Dad, don't you have something to add?

Martin

[as he sits] I already said thank you for dinner. What am I supposed to do, get down on my knees and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express card?

Frasier

No, I was referring to the gift we have for them.

Martin

[clambering to his feet] Oh! Right, I forgot about that. Yeah, and thanks for dinner, Fraizh, it really was excellent. I didn't think I'd like beef cheeks.

Frasier

Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.

Daphne

This is so exciting, our first wedding present.

Daphne

It's a silver picture frame!

Niles

Beautiful.

Frasier

And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date in order to commemorate your wedding date until your real gift arrives.

Daphne

It's very sweet. Thank you Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane.

Martin

You can't call us that anymore, we're family now.

Daphne

So we are. Well, thank you... Frasier. Oh, that feels strange.

Daphne

And thank you...

Daphne

Dad.

Martin

Or Martin. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Daphne

Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.

Martin

Don't mention it.

Daphne

Well, I better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon.

Niles

I'm just bringing sun screen.

Frasier

Pardon me. I have to go and poke out my mind's eye.

Martin

Oh, you're lucky. I always wanted to go to Bora Bora.

Niles

Oh, it's going to be fantastic, Dad. We're staying in a thatched hut built out over the water. In the middle of the floor there's a window where you can look straight down to the bottom of the ocean.

Martin

[rising] Well, I hope it's not too deep. When we went to the top of the Space Needle and you looked down, you got sick.

Niles

Dad!

Martin

All over that poor Japanese tour group.

Niles

Dad...

Martin

And when I yelled down to warn them, they just looked up.

Niles

That was three years ago!

Niles

Mrs. Moon.

Gertrude

Did you find a minister yet?

Niles

I'm sorry, no. Actually...

Gertrude

Good, then I'm not too late.

Daphne

Too late for what?

Gertrude

Oh, Daphne. When I got home this afternoon, well, I was openin' a bottle of scotch to have with me tea and I began thinking. I was married by a minister in a church and, and what's it got me? Alone and unloved is what. And likely because I've been such a rotten mother to you all these years.

Daphne

You haven't been rotten.

Gertrude

Oh, yes I have. On what should have been the happiest day of your life, I thought of only myself. I'm ashamed. I mean I'm embarrassed and I apologize.

Daphne

Oh, mum.

Gertrude

My only solace is you aren't married yet. Because if I miss my baby's wedding, I won't be able to live with myself.

Gertrude

Daphne, Niles you get married anywhere you want to. All that matters is that I'm there to share it with you.

Daphne

Oh, of course you'll be there.

Daphne

We'll go right back to that courthouse tomorrow and resume where we left off.

Gertrude

Nothing could make me happier.

Frasier

Ah, Mrs. Moon, I see you've made peace with the wedding.

Niles

Yes, Mrs. Moon has rescinded her ultimatum, so we're having the wedding tomorrow.

Frasier

Ah! Niles, may I have a word with you?

Niles

Mm-hm. Excuse me.

Frasier

What the hell's going on? You guys already got married.

Niles

Yes, but she doesn't know that. So, tomorrow we're going to have another ceremony for her benefit.

Frasier

That's crazy!

Niles

It may be, but I'm afraid the truth would crush her.

Frasier

Oh, please! All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn't crush that woman. Niles, what you and Daphne shared today was utterly unique.

Niles

You think so?

Frasier

Yes, it was a singular moment. Anyone fooled by a repeat performance would have to be a complete imbecile.

Niles

True. But, if it's what Daphne wants, I'll support her. We'll get Roz back, we'll find a different judge and we'll just do it all over again. And, it'll be just as perfect as today's was.

Frasier

Fine. But I'm not singing "Wonderful World" again.

Niles

Maybe more perfect.

Niles

Remember how excited we were at our first wedding?

Daphne

Yeah, we were both shaking.

Niles

Yeah.

Daphne

Hey, I noticed the first time you promised me your honesty and protection, but not the second time.

Niles

No, because I vowed to always be true and to be your constant champion. It's the same thing.

Daphne

I suppose.

Niles

You liked it better the first way. [She nods.] Okay, we can go back to that.

Daphne

Thanks.

Niles

You making any changes?

Daphne

Nope, same old, same old.

Daphne

Where's Alice?

Roz

Oh, upset stomach. On the way home yesterday she snacked on the leftover petals in her basket. So, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to join you for dinner.

Niles

We understand.

Gertrude

Explain it to me then. What sort of child eats roses? 'Tisn't normal.

Roz

You could have stopped her you know.

Gertrude

Not the way she was noshing them up, I couldn't. Like a wood chipper she was.

Roz

All right.

Gertrude

The incredible beaver baby.

Roz

We GET it!

Frasier

Oh, dear lord, is that... Donny? Everybody, look at your shoes!

Donny

Wait a minute, Daph... is that Daphne?

Daphne

Donny?

Donny

Hey.

Daphne

What a surprise.

Donny

Everybody. Boy, I hope this isn't uncomfortable.

Frasier

No, no, not at all. Say, is that a drinking fountain over there?

Martin

Sure looks like one.

Donny

Well, Niles, Daphne, I'd like you to meet Bridgett, my fiancee.

Bridgett

Hi.

Niles

Hello.

Bridgett

We just filed for a marriage license.

Niles

Congratulations.

Daphne

That's great.

Donny

Thank you. I know that I was getting married the last time you ran into me, but this time I found the real thing.

Daphne

Good, I'm glad.

Donny

Yeah. You know, if you hadn't left me I never would have met my ex-wife who introduced me to Bridgett, so, in a weird way, you played a big part in my eventual happiness.

Niles

That's a very healthy perspective.

Donny

I think so too. So, what are you guys doing here?

Daphne

Niles and I are getting married.

Donny

Well, congratulations. That is great.

Daphne

Thank you.

Donny

Well, it's great. It's nice seeing you and I hope you'll come to our wedding.

Daphne

Oh, same here.

Donny

Really? You'd be okay with that?

Daphne

Well, sure, why not?

Niles

Of course, it's anybody's guess how long we could be waiting here.

Stern

You can come in now.

Niles

Who had one second? Everyone, it's time.

Frasier

Well, here we go then.

Stern

Is this everybody?

Niles

Yes.

Stern

Let's get started. We come here today to unite this man and this woman in marriage. I understand Daphne and Niles have composed vows that are especially significant to them. Niles.

Niles

Uh, I, Niles Crane take you, Daphne Moon, to be my wife. I, I vow to you my, my fidelity and support, honor, respect, uh, honesty, protection, and... support...you are my comfort and joy and, oh, shoot, there's one more...

Daphne

One true love.

Niles

One true love! That's right. Okay, you go.

Daphne

"Okay, you go"? I, Daphne Moon, do... I'm sorry, this is wrong. I can't stand here and rattle off a bunch of words that don't mean anything anymore. I can't go through with this.

Donny

YES! I KNEW IT! [pointing at Niles] Now you know what it's like to have the love of your life dump you at the altar! And good luck trying to find somebody as good, because she just ain't out there!

Donny

What?

Donny

No, no. Bridgett, Bridgett! [exits]

Daphne

I'm sorry everyone, but Niles and I, we're already married.

Gertrude

What?

Frasier

Mrs. Moon, I'm afraid it's true. Niles and Daphne are already married, and they were simply trying to spare your feelings.

Roz

You knew about Reno?

Frasier

I was talking about yesterday. What happened in Reno?

Roz

They got married yesterday?

Gertrude

This is all a lie?

Daphne

No, yesterday was a lie. We eloped last week.

Martin

I thought you had to wait for the license.

Niles

That's why we went to Reno.

Frasier

Why didn't you tell us?

Niles

We thought you'd be insulted.

Frasier

I'm insulted now! How could you tell Roz and not tell your family?

Gertrude

How could you have two weddings without telling your mother about one?

Roz

How could you cheat Alice out of being a flower girl?

Daphne

We just wanted to be married.

Martin

Hold on, I got a question here.

Martin

You've been married for a week, how come you're not on your honeymoon?

Daphne

Thank you...Martin.

Niles

I hope you can all forgive us.

Frasier

Of course, your happiness that's what's important.

Gertrude

This is such a relief.

Daphne

It just felt wrong to start off a marriage with a lie.

Gertrude

Um, was the first one at least in front of a minister?

Daphne

Of course.

Niles

Yes, let's go.