Door Jam
Aired January 7, 2003 · Written by Heide Perlman · Directed by Scott Ellis
Martin
Ow! All right, all right, I'll talk! Just make the pain stop.
Daphne
Oh, shut up. I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.
Martin
Oh, more like make me hemorrhage.
Daphne
Don't tempt me.
Martin
Oh, God, you broke something!
Daphne
Too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole! There, we're done, you big baby.
Martin
[genuinely disappointed] What, already? [rising] Oh, that felt great! Oh! I feel like a new man. I love your new table.
Daphne
Oh, you're sweet. Can I make you a sandwich?
Martin
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. Oh, by the way, Daph, you know, they're showing the first-ever episode of Rockford today. If you're really serious about becoming an American citizen, maybe you ought to watch it.
Niles
Well, now you've opened it. That's mail theft.
Frasier
Nonsense.
Martin
What's going on?
Frasier
Nothing. Just another piece of Cam Winston's mail has found its way into our box. It's been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes. Even after I gave the postman a stern lecture.
Martin
Especially after.
Frasier
Anyway, it was an honest mistake. Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists, and I'm sure mine is in his box. Besides, it's nothing personal, look, it's just an announcement for some place called La Porte d'Argent.
Martin
Probably just another froufrou restaurant or froufrou clothing store.
Frasier
No, no, no, this is not "froufrou," Dad, as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.
Niles
[taking the letter and sniffing] Hmm.
Frasier
They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.
Niles
Hmm. Oh! La Porte d'Argent! Someone at the racquet club was talking about this. It's very, very exclusive.
Frasier
[excitedly] Yes?
Niles
That's all I know. Some ill-mannered person started up his blow dryer before I could hear any more.
Daphne
[entering from the kitchen with Martin's sandwich] Hello!
Niles
Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Did I get one of these [holding up the announcement] in the mail today?
Daphne
No, I don't think so.
Frasier
[grabbing the announcement] Poor Niles.
Daphne
What's this about?
Martin
Oh, they're all worked up about some smelly invitation Frasier stole to some place they never heard of.
Daphne
[unsurprised] Oh.
Frasier
Yes, but that's what's so intriguing, Dad, that there exists an exclusive place in Seattle that neither of us knows about.
Niles
[rising] It could be an art gallery, or a new haberdashery.
Martin
Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
Niles
What's happening?
Frasier
It's a machine. It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What'll I do?
Martin
Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out "SNOBBY"?
Niles
You know, it might be worth a try.
Frasier
Oh, denied!
Niles
Oh! The allure of the Porte D'Argent has increased tenfold!
Frasier
All right, here's our plan. We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and, once we've tapped into their mainframe, La Porte D'Argent will give up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night!
Martin
Why don't you just go down there and ask them what they do?
Frasier
All right, Dad, that's a "Plan B".
Frasier
Hello. Uh, is this La Porte D'Argent?
Receptionist
Yes, it is.
Frasier
Ah, good. Say, someone was asking me earlier today about La Porte D'Argent, and I had a difficult time characterizing it. What would you tell him?
Receptionist
We try to discourage word of mouth.
Frasier
That's exactly what I said. So, well, I'm here to take advantage of your offer.
Receptionist
Sure. Can I have your name, please?
Frasier
Yes. Frasier Crane.
Receptionist
[typing it into the computer] I'm not finding you.
Frasier
Try Doctor Frasier Crane. Perhaps you've heard my popular radio show.
Receptionist
I'm not really a radio person. I'm sorry Dr. Crane, you're not on the list, I can't let you in.
Frasier
But I have an invitation.
Receptionist
Yes, but you're not on the list.
Frasier
Yes, but I do have an invitation!
Receptionist
But you aren't on the LIST.
Frasier
Yes, well, if I was on the list, I wouldn't need an invitation, I'd just say "I'm on the list." Therefore, the invitation supercedes the list.
Receptionist
No, invitations are given out only to those on the list.
Frasier
Ah-ha. But you do concede that I do have a valid invitation?
Receptionist
Yes.
Frasier
Then it naturally follows that I would be on the list.
Receptionist
But you're not.
Frasier
Then how did I GET the invitation?
Receptionist
I really don't know. You could have stolen it...
Frasier
Are you accusing me of deception?
Frasier
Cam! Cam Winston! There you are.
Niles
[in a deep voice] Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
You know, while I was waiting for you, I decided to test the mettle of this young man. I'm pleased to report that he follows the rules of La Porte D'Argent to the letter.
Frasier
Anyway, I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston's here. He told me to meet him here, gave me the invitation and here I am.
Niles
Yes, I'm Cam Winston and he's my guest and I asked him to meet me here.
Receptionist
Here you are, Mr. Winston. Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.
Frasier
Ah, thank you.
Receptionist
I hope you both enjoy your stay. Take a moment to look over our services and I'll be back in just a moment.
Frasier
[excited] Niles, it's a day spa!
Niles
[still in a deep voice] Good gravy, this is fantastic!
Frasier
Would you stop talking like that? That's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I've ever heard.
Niles
You've heard another one?
Frasier
Of course not.
Niles
Then it's the best!
Frasier
Now you're stuck talking like that all day.
Receptionist
Here are your keys, gentlemen. Your estheticians will be with you shortly.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
[booming] Thank you.
Niles
Thank you. Oh, I've been waiting for that all morning.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, the arovetic massage sounds splendid: two therapists at once, using hot stones and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha.
Niles
I think I'll have the aromatherapy Swedish.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, look at this bounty! Take a risk, be a man!
Niles
[looking at the folder again] The chardonnay/rose hip salt glow?
Frasier
Now that's more like it.
Niles
Hello.
Frasier
Lovely.
Attendant
Right this way.
Niles
Frasier, Frasier! River rocks and a stalk of wheat!
Frasier
Ooh.
Niles
I knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good! I feel like I've been rubbed by angels.
Frasier
Niles, I just wish you had tried the vusattasen aqua-treatment. I feel as if I'd had a rebirthing experience. I've never felt better in my life.
Niles
I'm so polished my entire body is squeaking.
Frasier
Hello.
Clerk
How was everything?
Niles
Heaven.
Frasier
Nirvana.
Clerk
I'm so glad. Now, this is a breakdown of your services.
Frasier
Nirvana ain't cheap. Well, it's worth it, I suppose. What do you say we make this a standing appointment, Niles?
Niles
Well, I think we owe it to ourselves.
Frasier
Yes.
Clerk
I'd be happy to set that up. Now, I've also put together a personal La Porte D'Argent product system for each of you, based on the recommendations of your estheticians.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, this smells great. Try that.
Clerk
Ah, the mid-afternoon anti-stress spritz.
Niles
[studying something] I've never even heard of eyelash conditioner.
Frasier
Ah, hence the brittle lashes.
Niles
Say, isn't that Senator Ogden?
Frasier
It is! Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better. Balanced skin and social advancement all in one setting. I'm going to go say hello.
Clerk
I'm sorry. That area is restricted to our gold level members.
Niles
You have a gold level? How do you get in?
Clerk
You'd have to be on the list.
Frasier
Well, we ARE on the list.
Clerk
The GOLD list.
Frasier
This is absurd! I am a member of every exclusive club in this entire town. You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them.
Clerk
I'm sorry. But you're more than welcome to enjoy the many amenities of the silver level.
Frasier
And just how are we supposed to enjoy this!?
Frasier
And this isn't working!
Daphne
You never told me Rockford was Maverick.
Martin
Well, technically he isn't Maverick in this, he's Rockford. Even though we all know he's secretly Maverick.
Daphne
I can see why you like this show.
Martin
Yeah, what's not to like? Solving crimes, pretty girls, car chases...
Daphne
Leisure suits.
Martin
Yeah.
Daphne
Rockford's dad reminds me of you.
Martin
[brow furrowing] What are you talkin' about?
Daphne
Rockford's dad. You're just like him: cranky but loveable.
Martin
The hell I am! I'm like Rockford.
Daphne
How'd you get that?
Martin
Well, come on: he solves crimes, I solved crimes. We're both in tune with the beat of the street. He's the kind of guy that men want to be and women want to be with. When this show first came out, everybody used to say I was like Rockford.
Daphne
I'm sorry, I don't see it. You still remind me of his dad.
Martin
Rocky? But he's old. [realizing the implication] Oh, I see.
Daphne
I didn't mean that. I just meant there's something about him that reminds me of you.
Martin
His oldness?
Daphne
Oh, stop it! If you want to be Rockford, you can be Rockford, I don't care.
Martin
Fine, then let's just watch it.
Martin
I don't want to watch this anymore. Congratulations, you ruined Rockford for me.
Niles
I had a nagging feeling the whole time they were holding something back on purpose.
Frasier
"Blended for your dosha," indeed! They wouldn't know my dosha if they fell over it!
Daphne
So what kind of hoity toity place did it end up being?
Frasier
It was a hell-hole! They had the nerve to call it a day spa, when it's nothing more than a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door!
Martin
If you didn't go in, how do you know it's better?
Frasier
It had to be! The door was gold, ours was only silver. Gold is better than silver.
Niles
[muttering] Stupid silver.
Daphne
Well, you'll always be in my exclusive club, honey.
Niles
Oh, thanks. And that's all I need.
Niles
There must be somebody who can get us in.
Frasier
Let's go comb our Rolodexes!
Niles
Yes, there has to be a way out of the slum they call the silver room.
Niles
Why do I keep squeaking!?
Roz
Hey, Frasier. Wait 'til you see this. It is so cool.
Frasier
Really? Well, I could use something to balm my wounds. Painful as it is, I've come to accept that I shall never pass through that spa's gold door.
Roz
Anyway, I was filing your new head shot...
Frasier
Yes?
Roz
And I started looking at your old ones, I went back to when you first started?
Roz
Woo.
Frasier
What am I looking at?
Roz
Oh, it's like an animation of your hairline receding. Isn't that great? Okay, wait now, here's the good part: [she flips them the other way] it's growing back! Receding... growing back.
Frasier
Yes, yes, all right Roz, that's enough! All right!
Roz
Oh, don't be so sensitive.
Niles
Hi.
Roz
Hi.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, no good news, I suppose.
Niles
I've had no luck getting us into the gold level.
Roz
Are you guys really this bent out of shape over that gold spa?
Frasier
Yes!
Roz
Why can't you be happy with the silver one?
Niles
Gold is better.
Roz
Bull! The only reason why you want to go there is because you can't!
Frasier
We saw a senator go in there. A senator! We elected him, he works for us! How is it fair that our employee is admitted while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?!
Roz
It's a spa! How much better could it be? I mean, are they gonna carry you around like a sultan? You gonna be massaged by supermodels? And what if you do get through the gold door? What next, the diamond door? And after that a titanium door! And after that a plutonium door!
Niles
Oh, that's ridiculous. Plutonium's radioactive, no one's going to make a door out of it.
Frasier
Although Roz does make a point, Niles. What kind of fantasy are we chasing?
Roz
See? I'm right.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden.
Roz
It was Senator Ogden? [laughing] I know him.
Niles
You do?
Roz
Yeah, he really owes me one, too. Want me to give him a call?
Frasier
Would you? Absolutely!
Niles
How do you know Senator Ogden?
Roz
Well, I knew him a few years ago when his marriage was on the rocks. We kept it very hush-hush. Thank God I knew CPR.
Daphne
Rockford's on.
Martin
Not interested.
Daphne
Oh, come on, it looks like a good one. Tom Seleck's in it.
Martin
Oh, those are good. Not that I care.
Daphne
You know, I caught a few episodes at home, and I see the resemblance between you and a young Jim Rockford.
Martin
No you don't.
Daphne
Yes I do. No one gives him credit when he has a good idea. He likes to drive a little too fast...
Martin
He has my chin! He knows how to work the system and the babes love him.
Daphne
Yes they do. So what do you say?
Martin
Oh, okay, why not?
Martin
Ah, this is good. Sorry I got so worked up.
Daphne
Oh, you can't help it. You've got principles, like Rockford.
Martin
Okay, let's not lay it on too thick. Oh, and look at that. Malibu, California. FYI, those mountains you see in the background are the same ones you see at the beginning of MASH.
Daphne
Oh, I love MASH. Whenever I watch it, I think of you. Serving in Korea all those years ago, just like Colonel Potter.
Martin
That's it, go home.
Daphne
Why?
Martin
Colonel Potter was old when he did Dragnet!
Daphne
Colonel Potter, that funny young doctor that used to mix martinis in his tent?
Martin
Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye.
Daphne
Yes, that's who I meant.
Martin
Okay.
Attendant
I've taken you to the relaxation grotto. We'll just let the wrap and your orange honey-butter mask soothe you while you listen to the healing sounds of the Javanese rain forest, okay?
Niles
[murmuring sleepily] Okay.
Frasier
Oh, excuse me.
Niles
Frasier? Frasier, is that you?
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
What?
Frasier
I just had a, a color therapy treatment, my eyes haven't readjusted yet. They sent me in here to relax.
Niles
I'm letting my orange honey-butter mask set.
Frasier
Roz was so wrong. Completely wrong. Oh, there. My eyes are better. Oh, Niles, you should see this place.
Niles
Be my eyes, Frasier.
Frasier
[rising] Well, it's just paradise. From the rare exotic orchids, to the trompe l'oeil sky, to the perfectly bubbled stream, to the...
Niles
To the what?
Frasier
There's a platinum door.
Niles
Platinum? Are you sure?
Frasier
Yes!
Niles
Is it guarded?
Frasier
No! It's just brazenly standing there!
Niles
Then rip the cucumbers from my eyes and let's go!
Frasier
Right!
Frasier
Niles! What are we doing?
Niles
Oh.
Frasier
This is exactly what Roz said!
Niles
No! Roz said, "diamond door"!
Frasier
Niles, this is heaven, right here and now! Why do we have think about someplace else?
Niles
This is only heaven to the people that can't get into the real heaven. The platinum heaven.
Frasier
Niles, why can't we be happy? Why must we allow the thought of something that at this point can only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now?
Niles
I don't know. Let's figure it out on the other side!
Frasier
No! I am through chasing the eternal carrot. Whatever is behind that door shall remain behind that door, unseen!
Niles
Stay if you want, I have to know!
Frasier
Oh for God's sake, you can't even walk, you ninny! All right, all right, I will go, just to take a peek.
Attendant
I'm sorry. Sir? You're not allowed through there. Please remain in the relaxation grotto.
Frasier
"Please remain... in the relaxation grotto"?
Frasier
Have crueler words ever been spoken? Well, that's it. I am determined to see where they think I don't belong!
Niles
Take me with you!
Frasier
Niles! Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium!
Niles
Goodbye sweet and edible facials, hello radiant life-giving sun!
Niles
It's beautiful, it's beautiful!
Frasier
Yes! This is where we belong.
Niles
Do you smell garbage?
Frasier
Oh dear, Niles. I don't think this is part of the spa!
Frasier
Hello! Hello! Anyone in the relaxation grotto!
Niles
Frasier, look at all those bees.
Frasier
Bees?! Niles! Our sweet and edible facials! Run!