The Harassed
Aired January 14, 2003 · Written by Chris Marcil · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
Radio waves emanante from the top of the Space Needle.
Frasier
We'll be right back with Julia Wilcox and our new stock market update after this.
Kenny
That's it? That's your big introduction for Julia? What happened to the copy I wrote for you?
Frasier
[looking at the copy] Kenny, come on. "Julia" does not rhyme with "moolah."
Kenny
[shrugging] We'll, they're spelled the same.
Frasier
Oh, they are not, stop it. Isn't it enough that she's getting ten minutes of my show?
Kenny
Hey, hey. We're lucky to have her. [Roz enters from her booth.] Don't be surprised if she ends up boosting your ratings a notch.
Frasier
Yes, but at what cost? The woman's credibility is questionable.
Kenny
She's credible. The woman was on CNBC. She had a syndicated column. You can't hold one mistake against her.
Roz
What'd she do?
Frasier
She wrote a book called Day Trade Your Way Out of Debt. Apparently, some people lost money.
Kenny
I don't see you writing any books. Now listen, she's a little sensitive, so I don't want to hear anyone talking about the book, how it ruined her career, that guy who killed himself in Pennsylva... hey, hey, hey! There she is! Our financial wizard.
Kenny
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Julia
Hello. [shakes Frasier's hand]
Kenny
His producer, Roz Doyle.
Roz
Hi.
Julia
Nice to meet you. So this is my mike?
Frasier
[with Roz] Yes.
Roz
[breaking the ice] You know, I studied finance in college.
Julia
Hey, that's great. Can you get me some coffee, Rizzo?
Roz
It's Roz.
Julia
Super. Two creams. Thanks.
Kenny
So, um, do your intro, we'll do a promo, and then back to you. Got it? Intro, promo, you.
Julia
[with biting sarcasm] So, you don't want me to do the intro last?
Kenny
Uh, no, because you see, "Intro" is short for... [realizing] Oh, oh, oh, I get it!
Kenny
Very good! You got one past me. Enjoy it. It's not going to happen again.
Julia
And these would be my phones.
Frasier
Yes, yes. I must say that I enjoyed your work on CNBC. I thought that you were an insightful analyst, and I don't believe that you were treated fairly.
Julia
[insincerely] Thanks. That makes everything all better.
Roz
[entering with the coffee] Ten seconds.
Julia
[taking the coffee] Thanks. [drinking and coughing] Mmm. You call this coffee?
Roz
[smiling] Most of it.
Frasier
[laughing uncomfortably] That Roz... Let me put that over there. [He distances the "coffee" from Julia, and puts on his phones.] Hello, Seattle. Welcome back! If you've tuned in for mental health advice with an erudite twist, well then, my show will be back up at the top of the hour. [During the course of the following speech, Julia is leaning toward the microphone, impatiently trying to find a spot to break in.] And now, for something new, yet germane, as finances can be the cause of that old bugaboo, stress, here now...
Julia
[cutting in abruptly] Good afternoon, I'm Julia Wilcox. Today's market swerved like a nervous student driver before finally winding up in a nice, safe neutral. We'll discuss. Plus, are pharmaceutical stocks still worth prescribing? Now this. [She cuts to the promo. Frasier has looked around incredulously during the course of her speech.]
Frasier
Excuse me. Uh, I was supposed to introduce you.
Julia
You were cutting into my time.
Frasier
Well, I was giving you an hospitable segue. You see, I thought that since you're new here, I could lend you my equity, if you will. It was just a courtesy...
Julia
[breaking in again as the promo ends] Some days on the market, it's black Friday, but today, with the NASDAQ slightly down, and the Dow slightly up, it was more like "plaid Monday." Analysts spoke out on both sides...
Frasier
[to himself, indignantly] Next time, I'll get the coffee.
Kenny
Hey, Roz. What 'ya reading?
Roz
Julia's book. Listen to this. "Chapter 4: How to Sell Your House and Start a Dot.com."
Frasier
Hey guys. Oh, Roz, I can't believe you shelled out three dollars to revel in someone else's misfortune.
Roz
I was curious.
Frasier
Well, you can get the same thing on tape for a buck-fifty. [taking a seat] Get this: it's read by Martha Stewart! How's that for your double whammy?
Roz
We should just get rid of her. I mean, if she were nice, it'd be one thing, but she's just rude and arrogant.
Kenny
Whoa, whoa, nobody's getting rid of anybody. She just filed suit against CNBC for wrongful termination. Legal wants us to treat her with kid gloves.
Frasier
Hmm. Truth be told, I actually feel sorry for her. She has suffered a very public fall. She must be carrying all kinds of guilt about the people who lost their savings following her advice. You know, perhaps I should have a talk with her.
Roz
I wondered how long it would take.
Frasier
What?
Roz
For you to make your move.
Kenny
Hey, I thought there were some sparks between you two.
Frasier
What are you talking about?
Roz
Don't play innocent. She is right up your alley. Smart, tough, total bitch. You can't wait to break through that wall and rescue her.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, you couldn't be more off the mark.
Roz
Typical man. You always want to get in there and rescue us, but the minute things get messy, you just can't handle it.
Kenny
Ha! Women want us to think that they're tough, and then all of a sudden, they get needy.
Roz
Men are like, "Come on baby, you can lean on me, oops, gotta go."
Kenny
Yeah, women are like "Get away, get away. Don't leave me!"
Roz
[becoming caught in the heat of the exchange] Here's men: [she groans disgustingly]
Kenny
Here's women: Me, me, me, me, me...
Frasier
All right, stop it, both of you!
Niles
Hello, all.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
How's it going?
Frasier
Oh, we're just discussing a new, rather unpleasant colleague of ours. Be thankful you're self-employed. You don't have to deal with these headaches.
Niles
Oh, not so. I was hoping to come here and complain about my office remodel. I'm annexing the dermatologist's office next door, and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.
Frasier
Your spackle allergy again?
Niles
I'm covered with tiny bumps. It's worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook to the tree house.
Frasier
Hmmm.
Niles
[to an approaching waiter] Could I have my usual, please? Thank you.
Roz
There she is! Don't come over, don't come over, don't come over. [Julia sits at a distant table.] Oh... look who's too good for us!
Frasier
You know what? I think I will go and offer her an olive branch.
Frasier
Oh, stop it. Knock it off.
Frasier
Hello, Julia.
Julia
Hello.
Frasier
Listen, I, uh... I'm sorry the two of us got off to a bit of a frosty start, but, uh, I think that in time we will have a very long and rewarding relationship.
Julia
[dismissively] Okay.
Frasier
May I tell you a story?
Frasier
Years ago, I lived in Boston. I was in private practice then and my life was very good. And then my wife left me. I ended up on a ledge, threatening to-to throw myself off if she didn't return to me.
Julia
Thank you.
Frasier
Well, this got on the news, of course, and needless to say, after that, patients were a little hard to come by. So... I just wanted you to know that I too have suffered a very public setback.
Julia
[sarcastically] Oh, I get it. You're letting me know I'm not alone.
Frasier
Exactly.
Julia
[disdainfully] And now we can be friends.
Frasier
[smiling, not picking up her signals] Well, if that's how you feel.
Julia
Let's see, how do I feel? Well, it's sort of like on your show when you call people at home to give them advice.
Frasier
[not recognizing the sarcasm] Well, actually, I don't call them, they call me.
Julia
[bitingly] Exactly!
Frasier
[rising, attempting to preserve some dignity] Well. Good day, then.
Martin
Why would you let Niles bring all his patients to your home?
Daphne
It's only a couple more weeks until his office is finished.
Martin
Well, I sure wouldn't want to have all those crazies over. I mean, what if one of them starts screaming obscenities or running through the house naked.
Daphne
Mum already did that when England lost in the World Cup.
Niles
Hello all.
Martin
Hey.
Daphne
Hello. How was the Wine Expo?
Frasier
Horrible!
Niles
Frasier ran into a fan.
Martin
Ow, that smarts!
Frasier
Yes, Dad. You have been using that same old joke for the last ten years. So, anyway, I ran into this fan...
Martin
Ouch! Are you okay?
Frasier
So this woman complimented me on my so-called chemistry with that harpy Julia. Have you ever heard anything more preposterous? Good Lord! The woman sneezed once, and I said "Bless you." That has been the extent of our byplay.
Daphne
You've been complaining about her so much lately. I'm beginning to wonder if there's not something deeper there.
Frasier
I will not even dignify that with a response. [pausing, handing Niles a wine glass] Except to say that you couldn't be more wrong.
Niles
I don't know, Frasier, she's certainly attractive. And she's intelligent, ambitious, tenacious...
Daphne
Sounds like your perfect woman.
Frasier
She is a cold, insufferable know-it-all!
Daphne
And the list goes on and on.
Frasier
[sitting] All right, that's it. No more talking about Julia.
Daphne
[teasing, approaching Frasier] Ooh, so it's "Julia" now!
Frasier
It has always been "Julia." That is her name.
Niles
She does seem to have you disproportionately upset. You haven't been so consumed with one subject since Frasier Crane Day.
Frasier
Listen, my outrage is completely merited. That woman is deliberately trying to undermine my show from within. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except contempt.
Martin
There he goes again. You know what they say about people who protest too much?
Frasier
I know what you used to say: "They should all be tear-gassed!"
Martin
I still think that, you know.
Frasier
Ah, here you are. Listen... it's time the two of us had it out. Ever since you arrived here, you have been nothing but condescending and dismissive.
Julia
Whatever.
Frasier
There, you did it again.
Julia
You know what this is really about. It's about you losing fifteen minutes from your precious show.
Frasier
What are you talking about? It's ten minutes.
Julia
Sorry, starting Monday I do the last fifteen minutes of your show with a half-hour recap on Fridays. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have places to be. [She begins to put away her papers.]
Frasier
No, I will not excuse you. I am reaching out to you here.
Julia
Yeah, will you cut that out? It's like you're trying to make me your special project. Why don't you just adopt a cat or something?
Frasier
[seething] As your colleague, I do not deserve to be treated this way.
Julia
Oh, no. We are hardly "colleagues." I deliver the news and you're a... Magic Eight Ball with a Harvard degree. [She rises.]
Frasier
[rising, horrified and deeply offended] I will not be belittled by a half-educated, money-grubbing parvenu!
Julia
As opposed to some foreign-speaking windbag?
Frasier
That makes you an insecure fraud!
Julia
You are a pompous blowhard!
Frasier
Harridan!
Julia
Know-it-all!
Frasier
Shrew!
Julia
Snob!
Frasier
[lightly grabbing her arms] Are you as turned on as I am?
Julia
[visibly shocked] What?! Oh!! [throwing off his hands] Did you just come on to me?
Frasier
What? No... No... I thought... I thought that you... [He is deeply embarrassed and at a loss for words.]
Julia
Oh! How could you think I was turned on? What, are you sick?
Kenny
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Let's all calm down here. [To Frasier] Are you crazy?
Frasier
I apologized! I... I...
Julia
[leaving the room, utterly disgusted] Blech!!