Lilith Needs A Favor
Aired February 4th, 2003 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Albert
Sorry. I'm a nervous flyer.
Lilith
Yes, I see. Oh, you're white as a sheet.
Albert
No, actually, I'm always this pale. My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn off-white.
Lilith
I can empathize. Sometimes after a late night, I covered my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper. So are you traveling to Seattle for business or pleasure?
Albert
Both, hopefully. I'm relocating for work. How about you?
Lilith
I need to ask an old friend for a favor.
Albert
It's a long trip just to ask for a favor.
Lilith
It's a big favor.
Albert
Well I hope your friend complies.
Lilith
It'll take some work, but I'll get what I want.
Attendant
Oh, dear, you two look awfully pale. Can I bring you something?
Lilith
Not unless you have any extra melanin lying around.
Albert
You should be a comedian.
Lilith
I've thought about it.
Frasier
Dad? Dad, Dad! What? Are you hiding?
Martin
I heard the key in the door, I thought Lilith might be with you. What's she coming for anyway?
Frasier
Well, I don't really know. She said she was flying across the country to ask me about something that was important. She's being very mysterious about it.
Martin
Is that her?
Frasier
Well, no. No, Dad, I'm not seeing her until tomorrow.
Martin
Well, let me know when she's coming, will you, so I can come up with an excuse to clear out. Because I'm not good at winging it.
Frasier
Oh, Lilith. Hi. Look who's here, Dad.
Lilith
Hello, Martin.
Martin
Oh, time to go... practice my signature.
Frasier
Please, come on in, Lilith. So, I didn't think I was going to be seeing you 'til tomorrow.
Lilith
Yes, I know that was the plan, but I just had to stop by on my way to the hotel. What I'm here to talk to you about is not something one just drops on another person. [gesturing for him to sit] Please.
Lilith
[sitting beside him] Frasier, recently a subconscious yearning has tunneled its way to the surface and I now know what it is I need in order to make my life complete.
Frasier
Well, that's wonderful news. How can I help?
Lilith
You can give me your sperm.
Frasier
I beg your pardon?
Lilith
I want to have another baby.
Frasier
Well, you certainly don't need me for that. Surely... someone in Boston must have sperm.
Lilith
I came to you first so that Frederick could have a full sibling.
Frasier
So, just like that we're going to have another baby together.
Lilith
No, not just like that. I mapped out our dominant and recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel's laws, allowed for anomalies and concluded that you are the best biological choice.
Frasier
I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm gonna need some kissin'.
Lilith
Frasier, don't misunderstand, I'm not proposing any change in our relationship.
Frasier
Would we... sleep together?
Lilith
I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Frasier
Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
Lilith
Natural fertilization is impractical. I'd have to fly to Seattle every time I ovulate.
Frasier
[getting up] Right, okay. So, then your plan is for me to visit some local doctor, freeze my essence and then bring it home with you.
Lilith
Correct. I'll take mine to go.
Frasier
I don't know. I'm going to have to think about it.
Lilith
[rising] Yes, of course, absolutely. Think about it, and you can give me your answer tomorrow.
Frasier
Okay.
Lilith
You can come back from around the corner now, Martin.
Martin
[from around the corner] Good night, Lilith.
Lilith
Good night.
Frasier
You were eavesdropping?
Martin
It was an accident and I only heard the part about her wanting to have another baby with you.
Frasier
She completely threw me.
Martin
Well, I don't know why you're so surprised. She's seen what the Crane genes can do and she's coming back to the well.
Frasier
How does one respond to something like that?
Martin
Well, I bet if you say "No" she'll go to Niles.
Frasier
Really, it's just so self-centered. I mean, she's got this all figured out for herself without the slightest consideration for my life.
Martin
And Niles'll say "No" for sure. Which means only one thing. [He gets a worried look.] She'll come to the source. Me. The fountainhead.
Frasier
What?
Martin
Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles AND Freddie.
Frasier
What are you talking about?
Martin
And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle. It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Niles. Did Daphne and her mom get off okay?
Niles
[sitting down] Yes. They picked up Roz and Alice an hour ago. Although, how they're going to get all the way to Canada without killing each other, I don't know.
Frasier
Why did they have to go so far?
Niles
Well, that was my idea. I read that Canadian Fun Country is one of the best amusement parks in southeastern British Columbia.
Frasier
Well, I'm just saying Daphne's mom should be careful, you know. If you're here on a temporary visa, you know sometimes people have a hard time getting back into the country.
Niles
[deadpan] That hadn't occurred to me, Frasier.
Frasier
Well, seeing as how you're single, I'd invite you to join me for dinner, but I'm meeting with Lilith tonight on a matter of some delicacy.
Niles
Dad told me. Now listen, don't feel obligated because she's buying you dinner.
Frasier
Truth be told, Niles, I hadn't ruled it out entirely. It would be nice to have another child. And Lilith is a wonderful mother. It's just that, well, is it right to create a human being with a woman to whom you couldn't stand being married?
Niles
Well, I'm behind you whatever decision you make, the right one or the crazy one.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
Excuse me, may I have an espresso?
Frasier
What have you got here?
Niles
Oh, some snapshots from last summer at the beach. Daphne finally got them developed.
Frasier
Oh, there's Dad eating that hot dog he dropped in the sand. And you, in your linen beach ensemble.
Niles
Very nice, yes. Well that's strange. Daphne said I'd particularly like the last picture on the roll but what is it?
Frasier
It's hard to tell, it's too dark and blurry.
Niles
Looks like the eye of Jupiter.
Frasier
Or a slice of pepperoni
Niles
Is it a flying saucer?
Frasier
Yes, Niles, it's a flying saucer. Mystery solved, well done.
Barista
Hey, where'd you get the nipple shot?
Frasier
Good lord!
Niles
You are to erase that from your mind.
Frasier
Is it Daphne?
Barista
Nice.
Niles
You're not erasing! Erase!
Roz
I need to stop again.
Daphne
We just stopped. I told you not to get that Big Gulp.
Roz
But it was only ten cents more.
Alice
Punch buggy blue!
Gertrude
Ow! Dammit!
Daphne
Language!
Gertrude
Why does she keep doing that?
Roz
It's a game.
Gertrude
It hurts.
Daphne
All right, mum.
Roz
There's a gas station right there, I really need to stop.
Daphne
I can't get over, you'll have to wait.
Roz
But according to this, my bladder is holding "Thirsty-Two" ounces of soda.
Daphne
It's only forty miles.
Alice
Punch buggy red.
Gertrude
Oh! Son of a...!
Daphne
Language!
Roz
Alice, honey. Stop hitting Mrs. Moon. She can't take the punch buggy game.
Gertrude
Oh, really? Punch buggy white!
Roz
Ow! It was a Jeep!
Gertrude
I play the Jeeps. And Ford. Punch buggy Ford.
Roz
Ow!
Daphne
All right, that's enough. You stop it or no one's going to Canadian Fun Country. And this time I mean it!
Gertrude
I'm sorry. I thought you were on the wrong side of the road. I will never get used to the crazy way you drive over here.
Daphne
Mum, you have to stop doing that.
Roz
Daphne, you seem stressed. Do you want me to drive for a while?
Daphne
Maybe once we get out of Seattle.
Lilith
Frasier, I don't want to rush you, but the suspense is too much to bear. Have you decided?
Frasier
I'm thinking about the linguini.
Lilith
I see. It's "No," then, isn't it?
Frasier
I'm sorry, Lilith. This was a very difficult decision for me and I am touched and flattered that you came to me, but I'm not sure I'd be doing it for the right reason. You understand, don't you?
Lilith
Yes, I do. And I appreciate your taking the time to think about it. It's that kind of consideration I was hoping to pass on to our second born. Oh, well. So, the pasta is good here?
Frasier
Oh, the best.
Lilith
My dad is the gweatest dad because he cooks me Cweam of Wheat...
Frasier
[glaring at her] Lilith, what are you singing?
Lilith
Was I singing?
Frasier
You were singing "My Dad Is the Gweatest Dad."
Lilith
Oh, you mean that song Frederick wrote for you when he was four.
Frasier
That video is one of my prized possessions. Of course I haven't looked at it in some time.
Lilith
I remember the night we surprised you with it. He crawled up in your lap and said "Why is Daddy cwying?"
Frasier
I see what you're doing, you know.
Lilith
What?
Frasier
You are attempting to manipulate me by invoking powerful emotional memories.
Lilith
I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.
Waiter
Are you ready to order?
Lilith
Yes. I'll have the basgetti and beatmalls.
Waiter
Mmm. Very good Miss.
Lilith
That's what our son used to say when he was three.
Waiter
Excellent.
Frasier
And I'll have the veal.
Waiter
Bravo, sir.
Frasier
Lilith, I'm afraid you're idealizing parenthood. Do you remember colic, teething, changing mountains of diapers?
Lilith
Do you remember that time in the bath when he tried to eat the bubbles? We told him to stop, but we kept laughing so he thought it was funny and kept doing it.
Frasier
You know, I'd forgotten that. Oh, I wish we had that on video.
Lilith
You can, Frasier. We can have those days back again. Please, I just need is a couple of teaspoons.
Frasier
Lilith!
Lilith
Just think about what Frederick has meant in our lives.
Frasier
I think about it every day.
Lilith
Frasier, we're always seeking ways we can leave a legacy. Well, forget my research and your work, this is it! What better gift can we bestow on the world but another person as wonderful as Frederick?
Frasier
Excuse me, I've changed my mind. I've decided that I too will have the basgetti and beatmalls.
Frasier
Thank you.
Frasier
Gosh, that coffee smells so good. Lilith won't let me have any caffeine until I've made my little donation.
Niles
Of course.
Frasier
So, have you heard from Daphne?
Niles
No, we keep missing each other. I'm just glad I have our little... pictorial memento to keep me company.
Frasier
I can't believe you're so taken with that blurry, over-exposed photo of a...
Niles
Shh!!
Frasier
Of what you first mistook to be a flying saucer!
Niles
I just think it's sexy that she even did it. Just imagine it: she saw that there was one picture left on the roll, and in a spontaneous moment of brazen exhibitionism, she threw open her blouse and didn't even bother to adjust the f-stop. Yes indeed, I am married to one spicy meatball.
Frasier
Good lord! Don't tell me you carry it around with you.
Niles
Well, I didn't want the housekeeper to find it and think we were pornographers.
Nurse
Just fill out these forms and I can show you to one of our donation suites.
Man
Will this be your first?
Frasier
No, I've been doing this since I was twelve.
Frasier
You mean baby. No, no, this is our second.
Man
We've got number four on the way.
Lilith
And we're thrilled for you, but perhaps we could chat some other time when we're not trying to create life. [to Frasier] Sign and date.
Frasier
Right.
Man
This process can be hard on a relationship, but she'll relax and things'll get better.
Frasier
We're already divorced.
Man
Good, 'cause she'll never change.
Lilith
Up and at 'em.
Nurse
Follow me, sir.
Nurse
Just go in and make yourself comfortable. You'll find everything you need in the cabinet.
Frasier
Thank you.
Lilith
Oh, wait Frasier. It probably doesn't matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Frasier
Thanks for that. I was going to think about the plight of the American Indian.
Lilith
I'm just saying we should put the welfare of the sample first.
Frasier
[from inside] Yes?
Lilith
And don't fall asleep afterwards, I want to get these puppies on ice ASAP.
Frasier
Goodbye now.
Lilith
Just a hint...
Frasier
Lilith! If there is ONE thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is it! Now go away.
Nurse
Right this way.
Frasier
What?!
Lilith
I just remembered a special method which supposedly increases the likelihood of having a boy.
Frasier
I see. Is there something I can do to increase the likelihood that we won't have a meddling control freak?
Lilith
No, but perhaps you can use a method that will give us a baby that can take other people's advice.
Frasier
I would settle for a method where it won't turn out to be a sarcastic prig!
Lilith
Oh, just do it!
Frasier
Fine!
Lilith
Wait, I don't want you to do it when you're mad. Why don't we just take a minute to sit down and breathe?
Frasier
It's your dime.
Frasier
Oh, dear God. What if this child inherits all of our flaws instead of our strengths? We could create a real nightmare.
Lilith
That's not going to happen. It's going to be exactly the way it was the first time.
Frasier
Is that what's going on here? Are we trying to create a baby or just trying to recreate the past? I mean, Frederick's almost grown now, it's only natural to feel a sense of loss.
Lilith
Frasier, don't be simplistic.
Frasier
No, Lilith, I know what you're going through. You want to feel needed and loved as you were when you were a new mother. The past can be very seductive. I mean, I've fallen into it too: I'm trying to relive Freddie's childhood. You can't use the past to fill what's missing in the present. It's gone.
Lilith
Frasier, I've done a lot of thinking and this feels right to me.
Frasier
But it's not right for me. I'm sorry.
Lilith
I'm sorry too.
Frasier
You all right?
Lilith
I'm fine. If I can't make anther little Frederick with you, there's always cloning.
Lilith
And you still don't know when I'm joking.
Frasier
I, well, I...
Frasier
Lilith, what are you going to do now?
Lilith
Well, I'm going to go home and give Frederick a very big hug.
Lilith
And maybe swab the inside of his cheek.
Frasier
Oh, stop that!
Niles
Oh, you already ate. I was gonna take you to Bogart's.
Martin
Bogart's? [putting the dish down] Oh, don't worry about that, I was just eatin' it because it was here. I wasn't eatin' it to get full. Just give me two minutes.
Niles
Hello?
Daphne
[voice over] Oh, Niles, darling.
Niles
Daphne!
Daphne
I thought I'd never reach you. We were booted from the park and are coming home. It seems someone put out a cigarette on a stuffed moose.
Gertrude
I didn't know it was stuffed, I was defending myself.
Niles
[v.o.] I loved those pictures you left for me.
Niles
More specifically, the last one.
Daphne
[v.o.] Something a little different, eh?
Niles
Indeed it is. I can't even believe you took it.
Daphne
I didn't take it, your father did.
Niles
No, I don't think so. I'm talking about the last picture on the roll, the close-up.
Daphne
Yeah. You're father was trying to get a picture of Eddy, but instead he got a picture of his own chest.
Niles
This is Dad's...?
Daphne
That's his nipple.
Martin
Oh, I can't wait to get to Bogart's. I know just what I'm going to get: the barbecue chicken breast. They have the juiciest one in town. Or, or the lamb. They serve an enormous rack.
Niles
[flustered] Great.
Martin
You might want to get an overcoat of Frasier's out of there. It's supposed to be pretty nippy tonight.
Frasier
Oh, hi Dad. Where are you going?
Martin
Oh, Niles is here. We're just going out for a bite. You want to join us?
Frasier
Sure.
Martin
So, how's Lilith?
Frasier
I just dropped her off at the airport. She's disappointed, but she knows that we're doing the right thing.
Martin
Well, for what it's worth, I think you are too, son.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad. I just hope she finds what's missing in her life.
Albert
Hey, pasty.
Lilith
Oh, hello.
Albert
May I?
Lilith
Yes, certainly.
Lilith
What happened? I thought you were relocating to Seattle.
Albert
Oh, it wasn't a fit. I'm going back to Boston. I don't know, call me neurotic, I just can't work in a lab that's not immaculate.
Lilith
You work in a lab?
Albert
Mm-hmm. I'm a physicist.
Lilith
Really?
Lilith
My name's Lilith.
Albert
Ah, the demon-goddess. Are you like the independent fireball that was your predecessor?
Lilith
I make her look like a vacillating cream puff.
Albert
Albert.
Albert
What happened with your friend? Did you get your favor?
Lilith
It's a long story.
Albert
Well, it's, it's a long flight.