Daphne Does Dinner
Aired February 11th, 2003 · Written by Heidi Perlman · Directed by Katy Garretson
Frasier
Mimsy, wait! Please, I can explain!
Mimsy
Oh, don't bother! And I bet you don't even have Tourette's Syndrome!
Frasier
Poop! Hell, damn! Oh...
Etienne
Lose my number!
Frasier
Chef Etienne! Oh, dear God.
Niles
I hope you're happy.
Frasier
Me?! You're the one who suggested that flaming kabobs might lend a festive air.
Niles
I didn't know Ben Corbett's toupee would go up like that.
Daphne
[rising] Oh, quiet. Both of you. It's done.
Martin
Bongiarno!
Niles
Party's over, Dad.
Martin
What, you mean I'm not the Count anymore?
Niles
'Fraid not.
Frasier
Why is it that we can't seem to pull off a simple dinner party?
Martin
Because you always go overboard.
Frasier
Yes, but this one was bare bones. Simplicity itself.
Daphne
One of your goats just threw up in the kitchen.
Frasier
Ohh....
Niles
Oh, hello. How goes the installation?
Workman
Well, we had to put in a transformer for the DC, so after we pull the wires, brace the beam, she'll be ready to roll.
Niles
[completely lost] Ah.
Niles
Daphne, Daphne.
Niles
You know the Mike Shaw painting that I'm donating to the museum? Frasier suggested we throw a farewell dinner party for it. We've invited some fellow collectors.
Daphne
Uh, Niles, I've been thinking.
Niles
Hmm?
Daphne
Come and sit down, darling.
Daphne
Maybe it's time you stop throwing dinner parties with your brother.
Niles
What?
Daphne
You don't exactly have the best track record.
Niles
Well, throwing dinner parties is an art. It takes time to perfect.
Daphne
No.
Niles
But...
Daphne
No.
Daphne
No, it has to stop! Maybe you and I should try throwing a party together.
Niles
You and me? Such a big step, are you sure?
Niles
Maybe it's time we entertain as a couple.
Daphne
Oh, thank you, darling.
Workman
Excuse me, it's after four o'clock. What if I finish this tomorrow?
Niles
Well, I suppose...
Daphne
Oh, no you don't. You said "One day" when I hired you, and that's what it's going to be. So get cracking, because something's going to be hanging from that rafter by the end of the day.
Workman
Yes ma'am.
Niles
Daphne, you handled that so masterfully! As if he weren't wearing that authoritative tool belt at all!!
Frasier
Oh, Niles, Niles, thank goodness you're here! I am simply percolating with party ideas.
Niles
Uh...
Frasier
Listen, have you thought of inviting the artist himself? He lives in town, you know.
Niles
Yes, I extended an invitation through his gallery, but he declined.
Frasier
Oh. That's too bad. Well then, I have come up with the perfect entertainment for our little art crowd. It's a radical tableau vivant troupe.
Frasier
I don't know. But they do provide smocks and shower caps, so we're covered.
Niles
Frasier, Daphne and I are throwing the party.
Frasier
Daphne? Well. Fine, suit yourself. It's your painting. I suppose I could just whip up my signature dish.
Niles
Daphne's handling the food.
Frasier
Lovely. So you'll be serving those sad brown chunks that make their way from plate to napkin, bypassing mouth completely.
Niles
It's called Piccadilly Beef, and I talked her out of it, thank God. The whole thing's being catered. We're having Cornish game hens, wild rice stuffing, wonderful sides and all heat- and-serve.
Frasier
Stuffin'. Lovely.
Niles
I think you'd be happy to be just a guest, for once.
Frasier
"Just a guest"! In my brother's home. [rising] You know, I've never been just a guest before. Before, I always felt like family.
Frasier
Oh look! Here she is now: the hostess with the mostest.
Daphne
I see Niles told you.
Frasier
Yes. I'm sorry, I won't be attending your debut soiree, Daphne. I hope that doesn't upset your seating plan.
Daphne
It's going to be a buffet.
Frasier
Buffet!
Frasier
Well, if you should need any help, I think you know my phone number.
Niles
Number three on our speed dial.
Frasier
Number three. Interesting.
Roz
I can't believe how calm you are. I would be a nervous wreck by now.
Daphne
Well, I was nervous at first. But every step I thought "How would Frasier and Niles do this?"... and didn't do that.
Gertrude
Daphne, I'm home!
Daphne
Coming, Mum.
Daphne
Where's the video? I thought you were going to rent "Castaway".
Gertrude
If I wanted to watch someone talk to a volleyball for two hours, I would have stayed in Manchester with your Aunt Evelyn.
Daphne
Well, what are you going to do all night?
Gertrude
Oh, you needn't worry about me. I'm going to watch a boxing match on pay-per-view. Ooh, there's nothing like two great, sweaty beasts beating each other senseless. I miss your father.
Roz
Come on, Alice, it's time to put away your crayons.
Alice
Lookit. I wrote my name really big.
Roz
Oh, let's see.
Alice
There, and there, and there, and THERE!
Roz
[jumping up] Oh, my God! Alice! Oh, Daphne, I am so sorry.
Daphne
Oh, it's not to worry. It'll come out, it's only a little crayon.
Roz
That's worse.
Daphne
I can handle this. Niles has an art restorer he uses all the time. I'll get his card.
Alice
I'm sorry, Mommy.
Roz
I know, honey. But from now on, just only sign your own artwork, okay?
Alice
'Cause mine is prettier.
Roz
Yeah.
Daphne
Here's his business card.
Roz
Okay. I'll run it right over.
Daphne
Just tell him it's an emergency, we're very good customers.
Daphne
I'm just glad Niles isn't here. He doesn't take these things in his stride like I do. There, another fire put out.
Daphne
Oh, my God. The hens!
Roz
Oh, my God!
Daphne
Okay, don't panic. I can handle this.
Roz
Oh, look at that, Daphne. Now what are you going to do?
Daphne
Well, I can't call the caterer. They were doing a big party and we were their last stop.
Roz
Oh, I know, call Frasier. He's gotta know some caterers.
Daphne
Well, he was upset since I took over his job as Lord Mayor of Party Town, but he did offer his help. I hope he meant it. Go, take the painting.
Roz
Okay. Come on, Alice. Good luck.
Frasier
Daphne, you're never gonna get a caterer at this late hour, but don't worry. I think I can solve your little problem. I'll be right there.
Frasier
As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Martin
As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
Frasier
Suit up, boys. We're goin' in.
Frasier
All right. I need a full rundown of the situation.
Daphne
Well, I think I told you about the hens, which I burned.
Frasier
Ooh.
Daphne
I'm hoping we have enough ice, and... I probably shouldn't have dressed the salad this afternoon.
Frasier
Oh, lord.
Daphne
I'm pretty sure the soup is okay.
Frasier
White wine.
Daphne
What do you think? Will we make it?
Frasier
I won't lie to you, Daphne. It's bad.
Daphne
I feel so stupid. I made a big deal about telling Niles how I could handle this on my own.
Frasier
All right, listen. He doesn't have to know. If you just keep him out of my way, I will gladly play your invisible little kitchen elf.
Daphne
You would do that for me?
Frasier
Well, of course, Daphne. Now listen, I have brought everything I need to make my signature pomegranate honey sauce, all right? I will need a ramekin for each of your guests.
Daphne
Here we are.
Frasier
Oh, dear. This is bad.
Daphne
What?
Frasier
Well, there are two that are mis-matched. It's all right if they're all mis-matched or if in pairs, but two is just unheard of.
Niles
[calling from the living room] Daphne.
Daphne
Oh, my God, it's Niles. What should we do?
Frasier
Don't worry, I'm right in here.
Niles
I am sorry I'm late.
Daphne
Darling.
Niles
I had the worst time finding miniature easels for the table.
Daphne
Oh, but it was worth it.
Niles
I think so. The place looks lovely and the new chandelier is absolutely spectacular, but why is the painting covered?
Daphne
Oh, because I thought a proper unveiling would be an event. We'll do it after dinner.
Niles
Oh, why don't we do it after cocktails? It'll make for a lively dinner conversation.
Daphne
Trust me. After will be better. By the way, the kitchen is off limits to you. You've already slowed me down.
Niles
Well, someone's tediously punctual. Shall we?
Daphne
I'll be right out.
Niles
Okay.
Frasier
You know, if he had any resourcefulness at all, he'd know that miniature easels abound at Liliputia Dollhouse and Miniatures.
Frasier
Dad. Right, listen. I need you to do me a favor. I want you to get me my ramekins, all right? And then bring them here, but come in the back way, so Niles doesn't see you. No, ramekins. Well, they're small, round, ceramic dishes. I keep them in the lower left-hand kitchen cabinet. No, no those are tapes dishes. Right, those are for soy sauce. Oh, honestly Dad, you know sometimes I don't think you listen to me. I said sometimes I don't think you... I said sometimes... I see what you're doing.
Antonia
Are we the first to arrive?
Niles
Oh, you are refreshingly on time.
Daphne
How about some drinks?
Antonia
Sure.
Gertrude
Don't mind me. I'm just down to nick a bottle of the good stuff. They normally hide it from me.
Daphne
This is my mother, Gertrude Moon.
Niles
Yes. Antonia and Alex.
Alex
Pleasure to meet you.
Gertrude
Hello.
Daphne
Oh, Mum, as long as you're going upstairs, take the coats.
Alex
Is this the Mike Shaw painting?
Niles
Yes.
Alex
I'm dying to see it.
Daphne
Sorry, no peeking. You'll have to wait 'til the unveiling.
Alex
Hmm, that sounds like a challenge. You're going to have to watch me like a hawk.
Daphne
Oh, won't that be fun.
Niles
What was that?
Daphne
Don't worry, Niles, that's my domain.
Daphne
Why don't you take our guests on a tour of the library?
Niles
All right. This way, this way.
Antonia
Is it true that you still collect Edwardian utility bills?
Niles
Oh, yes, they're fascinating. For example, did you know that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a notorious water hog? But, you don't have to take my word for it!
Daphne
Frasier.
Frasier
I dropped a pan. Everything's all right.
Gertrude
[calling from the living room] Daphne!
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake.
Frasier
All right.
Gertrude
I'm having trouble ordering the boxing match. I don't understand, this never happens with the nudie programming.
Daphne
Give it here.
Daphne
Oh, damn. You answer that, I'll take care of this.
Daphne
You can come out now.
Frasier
You know, honestly, Daphne, if these interruptions don't stop, my signature sauce will be reduced to a monogram.
Frasier
I'm using humor to make a point.
Gertrude
Hello, I'm Daphne's mum.
Bill
I'm Bill...
Gertrude
Don't bother, I'm just lettin' you in.
Mike
Hi. Is this the Crane place? I'm Mike Shaw.
Bill
Mr. Shaw. We thought we were just gonna see your painting. We didn't realize you were coming.
Mike
Ah, it was a last minute thing. Call me Mike.
Gertrude
Mike... hello. I'm Gertrude.
Bill
I'm Bill Talerino and this is my wife Sharon Kwyakowski-Talerino.
Sharon
May I just say that you are our greatest living American artist bar none.
Bill
Bar none!
Bill
Excuse me.
Mike
Is there anything worse than making phony conversation with phony art lovers?
Gertrude
Yes. Living with one. My son-in-law is the host. And if you didn't want yer bum kissed, you shouldn't have come, that's all they do here.
Mike
I wasn't gonna come, but my gallery insisted.
Gertrude
Oh, well, I am going to be upstairs watching a boxing match... should you feel the need to get away.
Mike
Ah, I probably shouldn't, but maybe just the first round.
Gertrude
All right, then.
Mike
You wouldn't have anything to drink up there, would ya?
Gertrude
Just liquor.
Niles
So it actually took George Bernard Shaw longer to rectify his billing error than it did for him to write "Man and Superman".
Antonia
That's great. Are those the drinks?
Niles
Yes.
Niles
Excuse me.
Niles
Thad and Jeremy. Welcome.
Thad
Niles.
Jeremy
Where's your better half?
Niles
[taking their coats] Oh, here she is now.
Jeremy
Oh, I meant Frasier.
Niles
My brother's not coming this evening.
Jeremy
But he's always, always, always at your parties. Frasier and yellowtail carpaccio. Has the world gone mad?
Niles
Not yet, we still have carpaccio.
Daphne
You've got two choices. You can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
Alex
Walk, please, I think.
Daphne
Mother, coats.
Gertrude
Yes, Master.
Sharon
We are so sorry, we have to go. We have a babysitter emergency.
Bill
The worst part is we're going to miss dinner with Mike Shaw. I can't believe you got that old hermit to come.
Niles
Mike Shaw is here?!
Thad
What?
Niles
Well, where is he?
Bill
He must have wandered off. I mean he's not at all like I pictured. Older guy, white hair, cane. I think he's wearing a plaid flannel shirt. He's quite a character.
Niles
Really...
Martin
Here you go.
Frasier
Oh, Dad, finally.
Martin
Well, if you had said "nut bowls" I woulda gotten them right off.
Frasier
Yes, yes, all right, now listen. I need you to run to the grocery store for me and pick up some sel de mar, some olive topinade, balsamic vinegar, and some English Stilton cheese. Have you got that?
Martin
You lost me after "Sally's mare".
Frasier
All right, fine. I'll write it down.
Niles
[from the living room] Coming right up.
Daphne
[after him] Niles, no.
Frasier
Dad, hide in there.
Niles
Oh, Dad! I thought so! What are you doing here?
Martin
I just brought some dishes over.
Daphne
You're not supposed to be in the kitchen, Honey.
Niles
I don't know what happened, and I don't want to know how it happened, but somehow our guests are all under the impression that Dad is Mike Shaw.
Martin
Who?
Niles
He's the artist that painted the painting that everyone is here to see. What are we going to do?
Daphne
It's not a problem. We'll just take your father out the back door and make up an excuse.
Daphne
Better yet, we'll take him out the front door. That way people can see him leave.
Niles
Okay, but you know zero about art. Don't say a word or these people will see right through you.
Martin
Yeah, I'm sure a phony would really stand out at this party.
Antonia
Oh, this must be Mr. Shaw.
Niles
I have very bad news. Mr. Shaw is not feeling well, so he has to leave.
Antonia
Oh, no. I can't let you go without getting your autograph. [She holds out a piece of paper and a pen.] And if you could draw something on it...
Martin
Well, actually, I do a pretty good rocket.
Niles
Oh, no, Antonia. Mr. Shaw is not giving away art. Just write "Mike Shaw". Isn't that nice?
Niles
Okay, there you go. That's for you. Come along...
Alex
Please, just say a few words about the dry wit of "The Sandwich Maker".
Daphne
Who wants another tour?
Thad
I do.
Niles
[to Martin] Okay, get out.
Daphne
Niles, why don't you show them the secret passageway?
Niles
Oh, what a good idea.
Daphne
Come on then.
Niles
I'll catch up with you. [to Daphne] Don't let them in the panic room.
Niles
Oh, hello. I'd almost given up on you. It's lovely.
Sculptor
Thanks. If you don't mind, I find it's best to get paid while there's still evidence.
Niles
Yes, of course, of course. I tell you what, if you'll just wheel it over there by the dining rotunda, I'll be right with you.
Gertrude
The coast is clear. Come on, let's get a bottle of champagne and go back up.
Sculptor
Hey, you're Mike Shaw! I studied you in art school. You're a major influence.
Mike
Well, that's very flattering.
Gertrude
Well, shall we get back upstairs for round three?
Mike
She's talking about the fight. Course, the night's still young...
Niles
And here, and that, and here you go, and... thank you.
Sculptor
No, thank you. I just met one of my heroes, Mike Shaw.
Niles
Oh, yes. In the hall?
Sculptor
No, right here.
Niles
Don't tell me: white hair, cane, plaid shirt, character?
Martin
Forgot the list.
Frasier
Right.
Niles
[calling] Mr. Shaw...
Frasier
For God's sake. All right, here...
Niles
Dad! You're not supposed to be here!
Daphne
Niles! You're not supposed to be here!
Jeremy
And what's in here?
Thad
Oh, Mr. Shaw, you came back!
Martin
Yeah, I, uh, felt better.
Thad
Then you must tell us about your work. We're collectors, you know.
Martin
Oh, but this is a party. I, uh, I... art all the time.
Thad
Come on, let's get you another drink.
Jeremy
Fun party. It's nice to see you step out of Frasier's shadow. I think he might have been holding you back.
Niles
Okay, I have to get out there before Dad says something stupid. Let's get these hens browning so we can eat as soon as possible. [He tastes the sauce cooking on the stove.] Mmm. That's Frasier's signature sauce. Except it's so much better. I think you should send him the recipe.
Frasier
I'm holding him back. Your sauce is better than mine. Honestly, I don't even know why I try. [He viciously stirs the sauce.] I stand here, slaving over a hot stove and for what? Does anyone appreciate me? No!
Roz
Are you getting close, Mr. Slovotkin?
Slovotkin
These things take time, miss. Who do you think I am, that mouse in the cartoons that goes fast? What's his name?
Roz
Speedy Gonzalez?
Slovotkin
No. The little mouse, big hat and he goes very fast.
Roz
That's Speedy Gonzalez.
Slovotkin
No! It's a mouse.
Slovotkin
This is going to drive me crazy.
Roz
Hello? I have no idea. Can't you just stall dinner for a little while? All right, don't yell.
Roz
My friend wants to talk to you, Mr. Slovotkin.
Slovotkin
Oh, it's very small. Hello? I'm going as fast as I can. I'm not that little mouse that goes zip all around. What's his name? No! That's what she said. He's a mouse!
Jeremy
What impresses me the most is the way you reinvent identity while recording anonymity.
Martin
Well, that took years to get down.
Thad
Come on, tell us. What do you think of Warhol?
Martin
Crap.
Thad
Kienholz?
Martin
Crap.
Antonia
It is so refreshing to have someone speak so candidly.
Martin
And you have to believe me because I'm a fancy-ass artist.
Alex
I know, why don't you take us through the house and you can tell us what you think of Niles' art?
Martin
Oh, sure.
Martin
I've been waiting to do that for a long time.
Daphne
You can't brown the hens yet.
Frasier
If we wait any longer, their skins will wrinkle and my sauce will separate. Is that what you want?
Daphne
I...
Frasier
Is that what you want!?
Niles
[from living room] Daphne?
Frasier
Damn it.
Daphne
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE!
Niles
I'm sorry, Dad's run amok. [He comes back in.] Why aren't the hens browning?
Daphne
Because they're not ready yet.
Niles
Well, they look ready.
Daphne
Yes, well, they're not.
Niles
Well, we'll just serve them as is.
Daphne
You can't, they're not brown.
Niles
Well, we're going to. I'm going to get a platter.
Daphne
Don't open that door!
Niles
Stop that, I already saw him. [opening the door] What are you doing here?
Frasier
[stepping out into the kitchen] I am saving your party, that's what I'm doing.
Daphne
Niles...
Niles
You don't have to explain. Frasier's presence here is clearly why this party's gone awry.
Frasier
Oh really? Well, if that's what you think, then I will gladly take MY signature sauce and go.
Niles
Your signature sauce...
Frasier
And that reminds me. You won't be needing to use my poultry shears.
Niles
No, no, you can't It's already here, it's already here.
Frasier
This is mine!
Niles
No, no! It's on my property!
Daphne
Oh, stop it, stop it, both of you!
Frasier
Fine!
Niles
What have you done?
Frasier
I'm not sorry, you've been asking for this for years!
Daphne
No, it's not what you think. See? Yummy.
Niles
No, no, it's sauce. We just had a little kitchen mishap. We'll just get this cleaned up.
Martin
Here, wipe it on this.
Niles
Thanks Dad.
Alex
That is no Mike Shaw.
Niles
What happened to my painting?
Thad
Did you know about this, Mike?
Martin
I may have.
Daphne
Oh, give it up, Martin. This isn't Mike Shaw, it's Niles' father.
Alex
What are you trying to pull, Crane?
Jeremy
This is uncomfortable. We should go.
Daphne
No, no, no, please! Listen to me, listen. Yes, there's been some deception and things have gotten out of hand, but no real harm has been done. I made some mistakes. People make mistakes, but that's no reason to abandon them. This night can still be a success. We've got the food and you're all here and when I tell you about what happened, we'll all have a good laugh about it. So, please, everybody stay.
Daphne
Thank you.
Niles
Well done, Daphne.
Gertrude
Hello.
Daphne
All right. Get your coats.
Frasier
Daphne, congratulations. You're now officially a Crane.