Trophy Girlfriend

Skyline

A bolt of lightning flashes.

Frasier

Ooh, Niles, sorry I'm late. Did you sign us up?

Niles

Um, Frasier, I've been thinking. How many years have we teamed up for the squash tournament, only to be eliminated in the second round?

Frasier

Nine.

Niles

Don't you think it's time we came up with a new strategy?

Frasier

Niles, if you're talking about taking that powder that's made from sheep's glands, the answer is never again!

Niles

Actually, I was thinking of something more fundamental. It occurs to me that after nine years...

Frasier

Shh, shh, Niles, Niles, here comes that two-faced braggart Jim Blake. Jim, looking good!

Jim

Thanks, Frasier, thanks.

Frasier

So, you signed up for the tournament?

Jim

Uh, I don't know. [to Niles] Have we, partner?

Jim

Awesome, awesome, let's do it! I'll see you on the court, bro.

Niles

It's not what it looks like.

Frasier

It's exactly what it looks like. You've teamed up with someone younger and in better shape.

Niles

No, Frasier, you know I don't care about such superficial things.

Frasier

You know, that Jim is bad news. He struts around here in those ridiculous-looking Swedish goggles that everybody thinks are so cool.

Niles

[smugly] Jim.

Frasier

You know, I just wish you'd told me sooner instead of waiting until the last minute. Does Jim know you're passive-agressive?

Niles

Believe me, neither Jim nor I expected this to happen, but our games just meshed. We would have teamed up sooner, but the timing was never right. Either Jim was with a squash partner, or I was playing with you...

Frasier

Fine, go, just go, go, go to your new partner. I don't care, who needs you?

Frasier

Niles...don't forget to wear your wrist brace, you know how easily you sprain.

Chelsea

Hi...Frasier! Chelsea Gray. We met a few months ago.

Frasier

Oh, yes! [They shake hands vigorously.]

Chelsea

You were kicking the Gatorade machine.

Frasier

Of course, I remember. I had inserted my dollar bill with Washington's face up as per the diagram and was vended nothing.

Chelsea

[laughing] Did you ever write that letter?

Frasier

Indeed I did. The matter still pends.

Chelsea

[enjoying an easy chemistry with him] Aah! So, did you sign up for the tournament?

Frasier

Uh, well, I was going to, but, uh, I just found out my, uh, customary partner has made other plans this year.

Chelsea

Well, would you be interested in playing mixed doubles? I'm a girls PE teacher, so it'd be nice to play with a guy for a change.

Frasier

Well, thanks for the offer, but after what I've just been through, I'm not sure I'm ready to partner up again.

Chelsea

That's too bad. I've seen you play. We'd make a good team.

Jim

You already resorting to playing with the girls, Frasier? No offense, sweetie. [He clicks his tongue and exits.]

Chelsea

Excuse me.

Jim

[offstage] OW!

Frasier

[impressed] Nice shot, partner!

Frasier

Here we are. Hello, all! You'll never guess who just won their squash tournament!

Daphne

If only we had a big, shiny clue.

Martin

Well, hey, that's great news. Congratulations!

Chelsea

Well, I owe it all to my partner.

Frasier

Oh, thank you, partner, but I think it's really due to our partnership. [They hold hands.]

Chelsea

Aha, well, now you know what they say, there's no "I" in "team."

Frasier

Like there is in "Niles!" So here, Dad. Check it out!

Martin

[taking the trophy] Well, would you look at that! I didn't think I'd ever see the day one of my boys would win a trophy that didn't have a book on it. Now all that's left on my list is shake hands with Hank Aaron, kiss Sally Field on the mouth, and then I can go on and be with your mother.

Niles

You know, Jim and I may have our own trophy soon. We're still alive in the men's doubles bracket.

Frasier

Oh, please, Niles, your partner couldn't be carrying you any more if he put you in a Snugli and strapped you to his stomach.

Martin

Well, I'm proud of both of you. And Squash might not be the toughest of sports, but it's still technically a sport.

Chelsea

What? Squash can be pretty tough. [Martin begins to dismiss this.] Oh, no! No, no. I once saw a man break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.

Martin

[incredulous] That's the game you guys play?

Niles

[uneasily] Hell, yeah!

Chelsea

Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone?

Frasier

No, of course not. I'll tell you what. Come use the one in the other room. That'll give you some privacy. After you, my lady. [They exit to Frasier's room.]

Niles

You know, Dad, when Jim and I win our trophies, I'm going to give mine to you.

Martin

Thank you son! But I don't want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don't.

Niles

Oh, please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that.

Martin

No, you're not. [He heads for the chair. Daphne has exited.] It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.

Niles

Well, that was your fault.

Daphne

Your girlfriend seems nice.

Frasier

She is nice, but she's certainly not my girlfriend. I do find her attractive, but I'm not sure I'm anything more than a teammate to her.

Daphne

Well, from what I've seen, I'd say she likes you a lot.

Frasier

Really? She did kiss me once. But I think that was just in an overflow of emotion after one of our victories. You know, I suppose that happens all the time on sports teams.

Martin

[indignantly] It doesn't! Of course I can't speak for the Canadian leagues.

Frasier

Well, truth be told, now that there's not the excitement of the tournament to fuel the fires, I don't think we really have much in common in the real world.

Niles

[childishly] You have your ostentations trophies.

Chelsea

[re-entering] Well, it was good seeing you all, but I have to get going?

Daphne

Oh, so soon?

Martin

You just got here.

Chelsea

I have an early faculty meeting.

Frasier

I'll walk you out.

Martin

Come back!

Daphne

Bye!

Niles

Bye!

Chelsea

Bye!

Martin

See ya!

Niles

Congratulations.

Frasier

Well, I, uh, I certainly had a great time the last few weeks.

Chelsea

Me too. Call me again if you want to play sometime.

Chelsea

I don't suppose you'd want to take this to the next level?

Frasier

Oh, I gave up my dream of professional Squash years ago.

Chelsea

That's not what I meant. Um, maybe I could think of another way to put it.

Frasier

Hi, Daph!

Daphne

Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Niles said you were going out with Chelsea.

Frasier

Oh, yes, I just thought I'd stop by for a quick pick-me-up before I pick her up.

Daphne

Does she laugh at that kind of stuff?

Frasier

You know, she does.

Daphne

Hold on to this one.

Frasier

I intend to. Uh, espresso please. You know, every day I learn something new about her. She enjoys reading poetry in the bath. She's an excellent cook. It's like she's the perfect girl for me.

Daphne

Well, I think you make a lovely couple. Even though Niles can't believe you're dating a gym teacher. He says it's a betrayal of your younger selves.

Frasier

Yes, it's perfectly understandable. We didn't have much luck with gym teachers when we were kids. They were always so derisive and ego-crippling. There was this one in particular, Coach Fuller. He was the worst. The kind of man that would make the whole class wait while you did your pushup. It was so traumatizing, you know, I would actually lose my lunch before gym period. Except on those days when my lunch money was stolen. Then I'd just dry heave.

Daphne

[grabbing her order] Niles has tons of stories like that.

Frasier

You know...perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.

Daphne

He's running out of room back there.

Daphne

Hey, Roz! [She exits.]

Roz

Hey, Daphne.

Frasier

You all right?

Roz

Well, I was fine until I saw Julia in the parking lot. Why does she have to come here?

Frasier

For God's sake, Roz, I'm a little tired of hearing you complain about Julia all the time. Why don't you just give her a chance?

Roz

How about her? I've been working with her for over a month and she shows me no respect. She's mean and arrogant, but not in a funny way like you. Could I have a latte, please?

Frasier

Listen, the woman took a portion of my show to do her financial drivel. You don't hear me complaining about her all the time. Now enough is enough. [Julia has entered and is at the counter.] Julia...why don't you come and join us?

Julia

Oh, all right. Thank you. [She sits, ignoring Roz.] Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Well, isn't this nice.

Frasier

All right, it's come to my attention that there is some tension between the two of you. Now, as it is entirely possible that we will be spending a great deal of time together, I think it's important that we establish an environment of mutual respect. To that end, as it is impossible for the two of you to communicate at all, it's time for me to roll up my sleeves and facilitate. Finding some common ground would be the first step, perhaps a love of plants, the seed...

Julia

You sure love to hear yourself talk.

Roz

And it's impossible to tune him out.

Julia

How can you stand it?

Roz

The key is to know when to say "uh-huh."

Frasier

Fine, fine, all right. If I am you common ground, so be it. Please feel free to tread upon me.

Roz

Uh-huh.

Frasier

The important thing is that you're talking. Communication...

Julia

Just go!

Julia

Okay, he's gone.

Chelsea

Slowly. Oh. Be with you in a minute. You can wait in my office.

Chelsea

[to the class] Very nice, nice...All right, concentrate! Very good, alright!

Frasier

[reading a note] "Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a 'delibitating' disease." Nice try, Ruby.

Chelsea

[blowing the whistle] Okay, who didn't climb rope yet? Campbell, you're up!

Chelsea

[kisses Frasier] Oh, I'd forgotten how it felt to sneak a kiss in school.

Frasier

It always looked like fun.

Chelsea

So I'll be finished here in a second and then we can go.

Frasier

Great, great, I thought we'd try this new place. I just...

Chelsea

[blowing the whistle toward the gym] Campbell, you're not even trying! [to Frasier] Sorry, you were saying?

Frasier

Yeah, I read a great review of this new restaurant. Apparently the chef is from...

Chelsea

[yelling] No one is leaving until Campbell climbs the rope! [to Frasier] Excuse me for a moment. [blows whistle again and goes out to the gym. The girl is struggling mightily to climb the rope.] Come on! You can sleep through English! Toughen up, you can do it! Let's go, Campbell! Everybody's waiting!

Fuller

Come on, Crane! Nobody is going home until you haul that fat bucket of lard to the top!

Frasier

[on the rope, crying, in gym clothes] I can't!

Chelsea

Just give me a few minutes, and I'll be ready to go. Oh, I just need you to do one thing.

Fuller

Drop and give me 20, Crane!

Frasier

I beg your pardon?

Chelsea

Could you just round up the basketballs and put them in the rack over there? Thanks.