Fraternal Schwinns
Aired February 25th, 2003 · Written by Sam Johnson · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Frasier
Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psycho-pharmacological solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can't believe the three hours is almost gone. Up next is the news followed by...
Frasier
Oh, but Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon. It's bound to be an afternoon of family, fun, and lots of surprises, so dust off your velocipedes and I'll see you there.
Kenny
Great pitch, Doc. So, uh, what are the surprises?
Frasier
Well, first and foremost: I am not going.
Roz
But you just told them you'd see them there.
Frasier
Yes, Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent. I will gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding bicycles with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.
Kenny
It's just kids and families.
Frasier
Yes, well so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove. Let me tell you: orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the trees the nature shows claim.
Julia
Hello.
Kenny
Hey, Julia.
Frasier
Julia.
Kenny
You're goin' to the Bike-A-Thon, right?
Roz
Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny. I mean, it's gotta be tough, finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass.
Julia
This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town.
Roz
Okay, lady...
Frasier
All right, stalemate. Well done, well done. Keep moving, come on.
Kenny
So, Bike-A-Thon, you're in, right?
Julia
Nah, I can't be bothered, I'll just send a check.
Kenny
Oh, cheese and rice, what's wrong with you people?
Julia
Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg. How can I not go? This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake. I know you think I'm heartless and self centered, but at least give me credit for being human.
Kenny
Well, Frasier's not goin'.
Frasier
What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of humor. All right, I'll see you there.
Roz
You're pathetic.
Frasier
I know.
Martin
Hold it!
Martin
Cora. Hi.
Cora
Marty.
Martin
Visiting your son?
Cora
Yes.
Martin
Cora, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask you. What happened? I thought we had a pretty nice thing, but then you stopped returning my calls.
Cora
Why don't you ask your other girlfriend?
Martin
What other girlfriend?
Cora
That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone. Because she was in the British Secret Service and had a license to kill.
Cora
Here's your stop.
Martin
Oh, geez, that was Daphne's mother. She had a thing for me, but it was never mutual.
Martin
Did she show you a badge? Always ask to see a badge.
Cora
I knew she wasn't a secret agent. But she was pretty convincing about the two of you.
Martin
Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry. It's not true.
Cora
I'm sorry too. I should have asked about her.
Martin
Well, hey, it's cleared up now. Maybe we could pick up where we left off. Or skip ahead, your choice.
Cora
That would've been nice, but I've been seeing someone lately.
Martin
Oh, sure, of course you have. Stupid of me.
Cora
But I'm very glad to see you again. Please give Eddie my love.
Martin
Oh, yeah. He'll be sorry he missed you. He liked your ankles.
Frasier
Oh, sorry for the hold up, guys. Ah, listen, I think it's best if we take separate cars to the flower show. See, later I have to go buy a bicycle.
Niles
For whom?
Frasier
Well, for me. I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon.
Niles
Poor devil, spending the day on a bike. I don't envy you.
Daphne
Niles, why don't we enter the Bike-A-Thon?
Frasier
You had to see that coming.
Daphne
We can all go to the shop together, after the flower show.
Niles
Sure, why not.
Gertrude
Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles.
Niles
I guess it would be a kick, eh Frasier?
Gertrude
Not you two, ya nit! You and Daphne.
Martin
You!
Gertrude
Hello.
Martin
I just had a very interesting discussion with Cora Winston. Seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off.
Gertrude
Oh dear. Is she the woman from the bookstore?
Martin
No. The bookstore?!
Daphne
Mum, is this true?
Gertrude
Well, I'm sure I don't know what Marty's talking about, but it was probably back when we were an item.
Martin
We were NEVER an item! Now I would like for you to leave.
Frasier
Now Dad, calm down. I'm sure you can talk this over with Cora and have a good laugh afterwards.
Martin
Ha ha! Very funny. Now that she's practically married to this guy.
Gertrude
[rising] Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. I guess didn't realize...
Martin
Apology not accepted. You went too far, we are no longer speaking.
Gertrude
Marty...
Niles
No, no, Mrs. Moon. Mrs. Moon...shut up.
Frasier
Uh, Dad, we're leaving now. We're going over to the flower show and after that we're going to a sporting goods store to buy a couple of bikes.
Martin
Nice try, Fras, but I'm too mad to laugh.
Niles
This one has good lines. You have any without this bar here?
Salesman
You mean girl's bikes. Sure.
Niles
Good. 'Cause my wife's a girl and she'll need one of those.
Salesman
Nice. Maybe I'll go see how she's doing.
Frasier
Niles, we can't stall much longer. I mean, one seems as good as the next, is there anything else we need?
Niles
Hmm, let me see. Oh, yes, I know. We need to know HOW TO RIDE THEM!
Frasier
Shh! We will learn.
Niles
Oh, as easy as that? Look at these machines, Frasier. These are BICYCLES! There is nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself.
Frasier
Yes! And if a child of FOUR can ride one, then so can we.
Niles
That's what we said when we were six! If Daphne finds out, she'll probably...
Frasier
Metal spokes. I like that.
Niles
I should buy the horn separately.
Frasier
Uh-huh.
Niles
That was close.
Frasier
Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-A-Thon. Tonight, I am going to a parking lot and come hell or high water, I am going to master cycling. You're welcome to join me.
Niles
I guess I could sneak out. Perhaps it's time to slay the dragon.
Frasier
That's the stuff, brother.
Niles
Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.
Frasier
Two bouncy tires and a...taut chain. That's good ridin'.
Niles
Where did you learn all that? That was really good.
Frasier
Just a matter of confidence, Niles.
Niles
All a matter of confidence, he says.
Frasier
Yes, well perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes shouldn't try to teach each other.
Niles
A good teacher doesn't yell at his student.
Frasier
Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student!
Niles
I thought it would make you try harder.
Frasier
Oh, you're going to make a hell of a dad!
Niles
Oh, what are we going to do?
Frasier
Let's not panic. We still have two days before the Bike-A-Thon. Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic.
Niles
I don't have time for that! Daphne wants to go biking tomorrow afternoon.
Frasier
Well, then you're just going to have to tell her that you don't know how to ride.
Niles
I can't! It's too late! If I was going to do that, I should have done it at the bike store. But NOOO! You, YOU said we could teach ourselves! You said no one would be the wiser!
Frasier
Niles...
Niles
"Two bouncy tires and a taut chain" you said!
Frasier
Niles...
Niles
And now look! My spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, and there's blood on the headlight, and blood everywhere...
Frasier
Niles, that wasn't your fault. That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest. Come on. Come and sit down. I'm going to get you a nice sherry.
Roz
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hi Roz. You're welcome to join me and Niles.
Roz
Oh, I can't. I'm on my way to meet Alice and her sitter. Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday.
Frasier
Really?
Roz
Mm-hm, she loves it. I mean, she had that bike one day before she made me take her training wheels off.
Frasier
Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet are frozen to the pedals? Stuck in a confused, arrhythmic battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled tree?
Roz
I don't think so.
Frasier
Well good, good. Because... that's a real thing that happens to some kids.
Daphne
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hello Daphne, Mrs. Moon.
Daphne
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Niles
What is it?
Daphne
Someone stole our new bikes.
Niles
My God, are you sure? [to waiter] Can I get a refill? That's terrible.
Frasier
You know, that's curious. Niles, didn't that salesman say nothing could break those titanium locks?
Niles
You're right. I must not have locked them properly. Foolish Niles.
Gertrude
You know, I spotted a couple of bikes in the storage room, behind the furnace. Perhaps you could borrow those.
Niles
No, I don't think so. The theft has soured me on the whole bike experience and what were you doing behind the furnace anyway?
Gertrude
Drinking.
Martin
Hello Daphne, Niles, Frasier.
Gertrude
Hello, Martin.
Martin
How are the three of you doin'? Mind if I join you?
Niles
Sure.
Gertrude
Oh, you're not still angry at me, are you?
Martin
Coffee please.
Roz
Hi.
Niles
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Wow, everybody's here today.
Martin
Yeah, grab a seat, I'd love to have a lady sit next to me.
Roz
Thanks, I can't. I'm on my way to the park. I just got a call from the babysitter. Alice did a wheelie!
Roz
Well, I'll see you guys later.
Frasier
That's great, Roz. Bye-bye.
Frasier
Well, someone's raising a real little showoff.
Martin
Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike.
Daphne
What does that mean?
Martin
Well, I'm just saying my boys are good at other things. Indoor things.
Daphne
Oh, no. You don't mean...
Niles
Yes, Daphne. Frasier doesn't know how to ride a bike.
Frasier
Well, neither do you!
Niles
Frasier!
Frasier
Well, she was bound to find out! [to Daphne] We never learned.
Martin
I tried teachin' 'em, but I had to take them to the hospital so many times, social services started sniffin' around.
Niles
All these years, it's been our secret shame.
Frasier
Yes, and it hasn't been easy concealing it, either. People are always saying in conversation "It's just like riding a bike." I can smile, and nod. But I only understand it in theory.
Niles
We tried to teach ourselves last night.
Frasier
Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableaux: two grown men trying to gain mastery over a child's toy and failing miserably.
Niles
Even more pathetic: a grown man faking the theft of his and his wife's bicycles. I disgust myself. I'm so sorry, Daphne.
Daphne
Niles, you've no need to apologize. Lots of people don't know how to ride.
Niles
Really?
Gertrude
No.
Daphne
It doesn't matter. I can take you to the park and teach you. I'll teach you both.
Frasier
Really, Daphne?
Daphne
Yes.
Niles
Daphne, I adore you.
Gertrude
No, seriously. Who?
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne.
Niles
You know, I'm afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride.
Daphne
So we'll borrow one from someone in the building. I promise you, you two are going to learn how to ride bikes.
Martin
You're a good wife, Daphne. And I'll bet you were a good daughter when your mother was alive.
Frasier
Helmet.
Niles
Check.
Frasier
Pads.
Niles
Check.
Frasier
Cup.
Niles
Check.
Daphne
All right. Now remember: keep your eyes open and pedal quickly. I just want to get an idea of your individual skill levels. All right, everyone ready? And...go!
Daphne
Okay, good start. Now, let's try again, but this time further apart.
Frasier
Okay. I think this is going to be all right.
Niles
Yes, this isn't so bad.
Daphne
All right. And...go!
Daphne
Yes, very good.
Frasier
It's that damned sycamore! It's got a magnetic hold on me.
Daphne
That's because you keep focusing on it. Whatever you do, put it out of your mind. The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
Niles
You're a cloud, scudding across a clear blue sky.
Frasier
I'm a cloud.
Niles
You're a cloud. A cloud...
Frasier
I AM a cloud! I'm flying! Look, I'm riding a bike.
Martin
I heard ya. I'm comin'.
Gertrude
Hello.
Martin
Oh, geez!
Martin
Look. I'm sorry. I'm still ticked. I'm not proud of it, but I have to do the right thing and that means hold this grudge.
Gertrude
Ah! You're talking to me. I knew you would.
Gertrude
Oh, you're here to see Marty?
Cora
Actually, I think not.
Gertrude
Look, no. This isn't what it looks like. I'm here to apologize. But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can say me piece to you. Now, first of all, don't be scared. I'm not a secret agent and I don't have a license to kill. Back when I said all that to you, I wasn't really in me right mind, anyway. I mean, I'd just separated from me husband and...well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind of...knight in shining armor. But we were never a couple, though.
Cora
It was a pretty rotten thing you did.
Gertrude
Yes, I know, dear, just awful. In me defense, I've done much worse. And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore, I liked you better.
Martin
Sonovabitch!
Martin
Cora! Hi, come on in.
Cora
Hi. I ran into a friend of yours.
Martin
Oh, she's no friend of mine.
Cora
Well, she had some nice things to say about you. Maybe we could talk about it at dinner tomorrow.
Martin
I thought you were seeing someone.
Cora
I don't see him here.
Martin
I guess not. Pick you up at seven?
Cora
Seven it is. So...who's this girl from the bookstore?
Martin
See you tomorrow.
Martin
Never thought I'd see the day. This is really somethin'.
Frasier
Thanks Dad.
Daphne
That's right. You faced your fears and you bested them.
Niles
Yeah, thanks to you.
Niles
And who knows? Maybe this is just be the beginning. There are still mountains to conquer. The diving board, for instance.
Frasier
Or cartwheels.
Martin
Be careful out there, Son.
Frasier
I will, Dad. Thanks. I guess I better go take my place, huh?
Martin
Okay.
Frasier
Kenny, Julia.
Kenny
Hey, Doc.
Julia
Hi.
Frasier
So, have a good ride.
Kenny
Not gonna happen. These shorts are already bunchin' me somethin' fierce. Excuse me.
Frasier
Pretty exciting.
Julia
Thrilling. You don't mind if we don't ride together, do you? I like to go at my own pace.
Frasier
No, not at all. You don't have to feel like you have to keep up.
Julia
Right. Well, what do you say we make it interesting?
Frasier
What did you have in mind?
Julia
Last one across the finish line doubles the other's pledges.
Frasier
You're on. And I look forward to watching you write that big fat check.
Niles
Frasier! Remember: keep your eye on the road and don't fixate on anything you can crash into.
Frasier
Right!
Niles
Good luck!
Julia
Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there. Ciao!
Roz
Frasier?
Alice
Are you okay?
Frasier
I'll be all right. Why don't you guys go ahead. I'll catch up to you.
Roz
Okay.
Frasier
Oh, lord. Pardon me. Beep beep! Oh, gosh, no. Oh, dear God!