Roe to Perdition
Aired March 18, 2003 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Jerry Zaks
Skyline
Lights come on in various buildings.
Niles
Oh, uh, get a cart.
Frasier
Oh, could you get it, Niles, please? They're so small they make me feel like I'm some sort of fairy tale giant.
Niles
Hey, any thoughts about what to serve?
Frasier
Well, I thought we might serve a house-cured gravlax with cr�me fraiche and a sprig of dill.
Niles
Oh, in other words the usual.
Frasier
For your information, Niles, people happen to like it.
Niles
Yes, people like animated musicals.
Frasier
Oh, honestly.
Niles
Frasier, look! Caviar.
Frasier
They haven't had any in ages. This is just what we need to make our soiree soignée. [chuckles and examines the caviar] Whoa. Good heavens. It's $100 an ounce.
Niles
Well, it must be mis-marked. [to the owner] Excuse me! Is the Beluga really $100 an ounce?
Robert
[heavy French accent] Yes.
Frasier
Well, isn't that rather a lot to pay?
Robert
To you, yes. To the fish who gave up her life so that you could spread her unborn children on a cracker, it's not so much.
Petyr
[heavy Russian accent] You know, the reason for such high prices is the Russian mafia. They control this market.
Niles
[stupidly] The Russian mafia controls Robert's Gourmet Goodies?
Frasier
[impatient with Niles] He means the caviar market, you ninny.
Petyr
I have Beluga for sale. Top quality, fair price.
Petyr
[handing Frasier a card] The name is Petyr. I recently arrived on my cousin's ship, the Caspian Queen with beautiful Beluga caviar. But because of those gangsters, we cannot sell. So I do it like this. Quietly. How much you want?
Frasier
How do we know this isn't some sort of scam?
Petyr
It's no scam.
Petyr
Look inside.
Petyr
You taste!
Frasier
You really must try this, Niles.
Niles
It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!
Petyr
So, you are interested, yes?
Frasier
Maybe, but how can we be sure that you are not Russian mafia yourself?
Petyr
[gravely] Because for six generations my family fished the Caspian. Then ten years ago, the bastards come. They burn my father's boat. [with increasing passion] They steal my mother's salt so she cannot prepare the roe. And if they know I sell Beluga for $40 an ounce! They would cut out my tongue and pluck out my eyes!
Niles
Did you say $40 an ounce?
Niles
Shouldn't our caviar be here by now?
Frasier
It'll be here, Niles, I gave Roz explicit instructions.
Niles
What if we've been swindled? What if the tins are filled with sand?
Frasier
Niles, I am, as you know, an excellent judge of character. And in Petyr, I saw an honest, hard-working fisherman.
Daphne
Why didn't you have him deliver it here?
Frasier
What? I don't want him knowing where I live!
Roz
The Russian bear hunts by night!
Frasier
Very funny, Roz, come on. Give me that. [She hands him a small insulated cooler.] All right, let's have a look.
Frasier
[whispering in awe] Oh! Niles!
Daphne
It's beautiful.
Roz
I don't get what the big deal is about caviar. I had it once. It was nothing special.
Frasier
Well, Roz, a lot of things can affect caviar. Where did you have it?
Roz
On a mini-bagel at the Tucson Doubletree.
Niles
Here, try this.
Roz
[sampling the caviar] Hmmm. Wow.
Frasier
Mm-hmm.
Roz
That's good.
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
That's really good. What's your little party for tonight?
Frasier
Invited guests. I'm sorry, Roz.
Roz
What?
Frasier
[shepherding Roz out the door] Thank you for your help. See you later.
Martin
Oh, hey, Roz.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Dad.
Martin
Hey! Hey, everybody. Check this out! I just went to the ATM for $20, as you can see from this receipt, and it gave me $60. I won 40 bucks!
Niles
You mean the bank lost $40.
Martin
Uh, yeah, that big faceless bank that charges me $12 a month for my checking account lost $40.
Daphne
You know, you can't keep that. It's bad karma.
Martin
Sorry. This is America. A land built on the principle, "Finders Keepers."
Daphne
Oh, come on. There's a toll-free service number right here on the receipt. Just call them and tell them what happened.
Martin
Why should I?
Daphne
Because otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel and his baby teeth.
Niles
[deadpan] What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth?
Daphne
Well, like any child, the first time he had a tooth fall out he put it under his pillow at bedtime, and sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.
Martin
Question.
Niles
No, Dad, we're not stopping. Go ahead, Darling.
Daphne
Well, instead of being grateful, he got greedy and went off to school, punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth. [Martin reacts to this.] Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief, and eventually went to prison.
Frasier
Where he... fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out...?
Daphne
No, he lost his teeth years earlier in a rock-eating contest. Now that's an interesting story. We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time...
Martin
[unwilling to take any more] All right, all right, I'll call the bank!
Mr. Michaels
Very kind of you to have us here, Crane.
Mrs. Michaels
Yes, it's wonderful. But then you must be used to hosting successful parties.
Frasier
[matter-of-factly] Oh, not really. Something's usually on fire by now.
Mrs. Michaels
Oh, you're funny.
Frasier
No, I'm serious.
Mr. Michaels
Now, tell me. How can we get our hands on some of this fantastic caviar?
Frasier
Well, I wish I could tell you but it's uh... a private source.
Mr. Michaels
Well, perhaps I should mention then that, uh, this is for our yacht party, at which there just might be room enough for another guest.
Frasier
Okay, what are we talking here?
Mr. Michaels
Well, maybe five, six ounces?
Frasier
[sucking up] Let me go see what's in the refrigerator.
Mr. Michaels
Thatta boy, Crane!
Frasier
Niles, what are you doing?
Niles
Oh, good news. Emile Sinclair is crazy about the caviar. If we sell him the rest, he distinctly implied he could get our squash lockers moved further from the showers. Isn't that fantastic?
Martin
[on the phone, enunciating] Per-son-al.
Frasier
Yes, well, it would be, Niles, if the Michaelses weren't equally enamored of it and dangling an invitation to a yacht party.
Niles
[gasping] That is a pickle!
Martin
[to the phone] Check-ing.
Frasier
Niles, why don't we just call Petyr and order some more caviar? That way we can satisfy both Sinclair and the Michaels.
Martin
Cus-to-mer Ser-vice!
Frasier
You know, Niles, this caviar connection could really open some doors for us, hmm?
Martin
[now yelling into the phone] Per-son-al!
Niles
What you doing, Dad?
Martin
Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system. It's like a maze!
Frasier
All right, give it here. [taking the phone] You just push "O," and you'll get an operator. Little trick I learned. Another menu, hmm. Sometimes it's a star. [He tries it.] All right, maybe "1" will get me back to a main menu. Ah. Here you go.
Martin
Got me to the right department?
Frasier
No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small-business loan.
Teller
Hi, can I help you?
Martin
Yes, uh, I was at one of your ATM's yesterday, and it gave me back more than it should have, so I want to...
Teller
[interrupting] Okay, for that you're going to need to complete an ATM trouble report [producing one] and then take it to our operations officer at the desk over there.
Martin
You mean I have to fill this out before I can give you 40 bucks?
Teller
Yes, sir.
Martin
But your sign says, "Making banking simpler!"
Teller
Yes, sir.
Martin
Well, this isn't simpler, it's more complicated.
Teller
Yes, sir, it is.
Martin
Oh, forget it.
Martin
I knew this was going to be more trouble than it's worth.
Daphne
A little paperwork's a small price to pay for a clear conscience.
Martin
Yeah, meanwhile, I'm out 40 bucks.
Daphne
It's not your money!
Officer
Can I help you?
Martin
Yes, uh, I had some trouble with one of your ATM's.
Officer
Oh, I can't help you. I need a manager.
Daphne
I'm proud of you. Trust me, when this is over, you'll feel better.
Martin
You really think so?
Daphne
I'm sure of it.
Martin
Ah, maybe you're right. Maybe I will feel better. And if you're right about that karma stuff, I got a good thing coming to me.
Daphne
[looking out the window] Uh-oh. How much money did you put in the meter?
Martin
Oh, son of a bitch!
Manager
Hi, Mr. Crane, I'm Bree, Todd's manager. I wanted to apologize for the trouble you had with our ATM. And make sure that you got your $40.
Martin
What, uh, oh, no, no! You don't need to give anything to me. The machine accidentally gave me $60 instead of $20, so I need to give you $40.
Manager
So, you want to put this in your account?
Martin
No, no! I want you to take it, plus this $40, and put it back wherever it came from.
Manager
Well, I'm afraid I've already done the paperwork. Now, you'll need to speak with our branch manager, and he's out of town.
Martin
This is ridiculous!
Manager
I'm sorry. Although, there is one other possibility. Let me try something.
Martin
Thank you.
Manager
Don't mention it.
Manager
[in the "enunciating" tone previously used by Martin] Per-son-al.
Niles
Sandoval, four ounces.
Frasier
Right.
Niles
Smoot, five ounces.
Frasier
Right.
Niles
McBean, ten ounces.
Frasier
Hmm, ten?
Niles
Yes, I know it's a lot, but he promised me the use of his Sonoma estate.
Frasier
Yes, well, for ten he should. You know, for eight, the Ashworths gave me the use of their box on the opera's opening night gala.
Niles
But that's the same weekend as the black and white ball? When are we going to sleep?
Frasier
Sleep is for people without social lives.
Roz
So, boys, where's my cut?
Niles
What are you talking about?
Frasier
I promised her a cut, you see, I was so busy at work taking orders I needed her help.
Roz
You know what it's really good on? Scrambled eggs. And pizza. And potato skins!
Frasier
Yes, Roz, welcome to caviar.
Roz
At work, during the show, I'm just sitting there thinking, "Two hours to caviar. One hour to caviar." You don't have any on you do you?
Niles
Uh, no, no, we're expecting some momentarily.
Roz
Cool. You think it'd be good on a cheese Danish? I think it would. I'm getting one.
Petyr
Gentlemen.
Frasier
Oh, Petyr, hello!
Petyr
Yes, hello, but I'm afraid also goodbye.
Frasier
Hmm, what?
Niles
What-what do you mean, goodbye?
Petyr
All these orders I fill for you, it draws too much attention. It's too risky for me.
Frasier
What-what are you saying, that there's no more caviar?
Petyr
[placing the cooler on the table] This is my last delivery.
Frasier
[looking inside frantically] But this isn't nearly enough!
Niles
We've made commitments to some very powerful people. If we disappoint them, there's no telling what they might do!
Petyr
They will break legs? Cut off thumbs?
Niles
Worse! There'll be gossip.
Frasier
Petyr, please, just one more delivery!
Petyr
[rising] I cannot, the danger is too great.
Frasier
Petyr! [gasping] Dear God! We're ruined, Niles. We owe people all over town.
Niles
I know.
Roz
Is some of that mine? Can I have it now?
Frasier
Roz, Roz, I'm terribly sorry. It seems our supplier is going out of business, and every ounce of this is spoken for.
Roz
Well, that's too bad. Oh, well, whatever, I was thinking of giving it up, anyway. Too much salt.
Frasier
Yes, good girl. All right, Niles, we can't panic. I think I may have a plan.
Niles
[sarcastically] I like it.
Frasier
We may have to bite the bullet and buy retail.
Niles
Petyr's stuff is much better quality. Our friends will notice the difference.
Frasier
Not if we cut it with what's left of the good stuff.
Niles
Well, how much is there?
Frasier
There's...
Frasier
Roz!!
Niles
This will cost us a fortune.
Frasier
Well, what else can we do? [approaching Robert] Excuse me. Do you happen to know where we can get [pausing] five pounds of Beluga caviar?
Robert
There's not that much Beluga in all of Seattle.
Niles
Thank you.
Niles
What are we going to do?
Frasier
All right, just give me a chance to think, Niles. Ah... What was the name of the boat...
Niles
[enthusiastically interrupting] H.M.S. Bounty!
Frasier
[glaring with irritation] This isn't Trivial Pursuit. Let me finish! What was the name of the boat that Petyr said he sailed on?
Niles
Caspian Queen.
Frasier
Right! Niles, if we can find that boat, perhaps we can get enough caviar to solve our problem.
Frasier
Roz?
Roz
[emerging] Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Niles
I think the question is, what are you doing here?
Roz
You know, shopping, for stuff...
Frasier
You're looking for more caviar, aren't you?
Roz
Of course I am! You took all mine!
Frasier
That was ours! You know, Roz, I think you may have a little problem.
Roz
[desperately] You're the one with the problem! Not me. This is all your fault. You made me try it. Now I crave it! I really hate you!
Frasier
Now, Roz, you know you don't mean that. Now, come on. Listen. It's just possible that we may be able to get some more from our old supplier.
Roz
[excitedly] Is that true? Is he right? I'm sorry I said I hate you.
Frasier
Roz, Roz, it's all right.
Roz
Are you going to get it today? I love you!
Martin
Hello? Oh, no I'm sorry. Frasier isn't here. [becoming irritated] Sure you can place an order. [irritated singsong] Let me transfer you to that department.
Martin
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello. The postman gave me your mail.
Martin
Oh, thanks.
Daphne
You ready to get stretched?
Martin
Oh, you mean we're working out today?
Daphne
[impatiently] We work out every day.
Martin
Yeah, I know. [examining mail] Oh, postcard from the bank! Uh, "Dear Mr. Crane, we apologize for the inconvenience. We have evaluated your request [with amazed irritation] and credited your account $80?!"
Daphne
There's no spaces. I parked your car in a loading zone.
Martin
No, no, no, just pull around front and wait for me. This won't take long.
Daphne
You're sure?
Martin
Yes. And you better get back to the car before Eddie starts to panic.
Teller
[cheerily] Hi! How can I help you make banking simpler?
Martin
[agitated] I'll tell you how you can help me. I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen, and you're going to do exactly as I ask.
Teller
[apprehensive] I think I should go get a manager.
Martin
[angrily] No, no managers!
Teller
Oh, but our policy is...
Martin
Now this is real simple and I know you can handle it. Now what I want you to do is... [as he speaks, he reaches inside his coat]
Guard
Hold it right there, Mister!
President
Mr. Crane, as the president of the bank, I want to assure you that it is not our policy to draw firearms on customers trying to make a deposit.
Martin
[wearily] It wasn't a deposit.
President
Now, I'm sure that neither of us wants to turn this into a protracted legal battle, so if you would simply sign this non-disclosure agreement here, here, here, and here... [Martin puts on his eyeglasses.] Our attorneys have authorized me to compensate you for your troubles in the amount of $10,000, which can be credited to your account.
Martin
Ten grand?!
President
Plus the $40 from our original mistake.
Martin
[feigning weariness] Oh, what the hell, I just want to get it over with. [He signs the forms.]
President
That's wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
Daphne
[bemused] Could I open an account?
Frasier
Ahoy? Ahoy? Is anyone there? [He descends into the cabin.]
Vladimir
Who is there?
Frasier
Oh, hello. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane. Uh, we're interested in purchasing some Beluga caviar.
Vladimir
This is not a shop. I have nothing for sale.
Niles
See, let's go.
Frasier
No, no, no, Niles, Niles. This is how the game is played. Maybe he thinks we're Russian mafia.
Niles
Oh, yes, people make that mistake about us all the time.
Frasier
Petyr gave us this card, and told us that this was his cousin's boat. Are you sure you can't help us?
Vladimir
How much do you need?
Frasier
Five pounds.
Vladimir
$80 an ounce.
Frasier
Well, we were paying $40.
Vladimir
And now you pay 80.
Frasier
[attempting to bargain] 50.
Vladimir
80
Frasier
60
Vladimir
80
Niles
I don't think you're doing this right.
Frasier
[glaring at Niles] 70, that's my final offer!
Vladimir
80
Frasier
Done!
Frasier
I want to taste it first.
Vladimir
Go ahead.
Frasier
[relieved and delighted] That's the stuff.
Niles
That's enough to take care of everyone and still go out on top.
Frasier
Yes, all right, here's your money. Pleasure doing business with you.
Agent
Stop where you are! U.S. Customs!
Frasier
Oh, my God!
Niles
Frasier, we have to get rid of it!
Frasier
Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
Niles
All right, all right, we have to hide it!
Frasier
[shouting] No, Niles, you can't hide it! They're U.S. Customs. That's what they do! They find things on ships!
Niles
All right. I know one way to get rid of it.
Frasier
[incredulous] Can I get you a toast point? Oh, here, for God's sakes.
Agent
What the hell's all this?
Frasier
[like a deer in the headlights, his mouth still full] It's not ours. We found it.
Agent
What, the caviar?
Niles
[mouth full] Is that what this is?
Agent
Relax, we don't care about that. We're looking for a couple of Russians who've been smuggling DVD's.
Niles
My heart is pounding!
Frasier
I was afraid we were going to get arrested.
Niles
What have we become?
Frasier
I don't know. We got caught up in a nefarious scheme. And for what? A visit to a wine country estate?
Niles
A box at the opera?
Frasier
Dinner at the governor's mansion?
Frasier
How much of this do you think we can salvage?
Niles
I don't know, just start scraping.