Some Assembly Required
Aired April 1, 2003 · Written by Patricia Breen · Directed by Wil Shriner
Skyline
The light atop the space needle glows.
Leader
So, on behalf of myself, the volunteers, and especially the team from KACL [Frasier and Roz give a quick enthusiastic cheer.], I'd like to welcome you, the Grant family, to your new Habitat For Humanity house.
Frasier
Uh, Ronnie, if I may...
Frasier
When my co-workers first signed me up for this project without my knowledge, I was, uh--well, I'll say it--irked. But I'm glad they did. Because I've had a chance to learn the pride that comes when you build something with your own two hands. As carpenter's helper, I sanded that newel post out there. [We see the Grants becoming impatient at Frasier's speech.] As painter's helpers's assistant, I stirred the paint for the trim in the kitchen. I was also surprised to learn that electricians [looking at Roz] don't have helpers.
Roz
It's getting dark...
Frasier
Oh, right, right, of course. [to the Grants] Enjoy your new home. [handing keys to Mr. Grant] I know I did, and if ever these walls should tumble...keep an eye out for my Harvard class ring. Thank you.
Mr. Grant
It's hard to believe the house is finally ours. We can't thank everybody enough. Thank you.
Roz
Are you sure you took enough credit for the house?
Frasier
I took just enough, Roz. It's not my fault I'm not licensed to use a plug-in tool.
Roz
Frasier, those guys... you don't need a... never mind.
Daphne
I'm sorry I'm so late, Martin.
Martin
No problem, everything okay?
Daphne
[angrily] My mum is a mean, spiteful woman!
Martin
Uh, maybe we should talk this out before you put your hands on me.
Niles
Daphne and her mom had a big fight this morning. Gertrude's been especially difficult to live with lately.
Daphne
Yeah, last night, she got the neighbor's cat drunk again.
Niles
[deadpan] One of them threw up in the hot tub.
Daphne
Well, I told her, we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore. If she wants to be part of this household, she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house. How did I put it, Niles?
Niles
I couldn't hear you. I was in the panic room. But you looked very forceful on the monitor.
Daphne
Anyhow, she pinched me keys and drove off in a snit. Niles had to drive me over. Why I'm so mad I could break something!
Daphne
Are you ready, Martin?
Martin
Let's give it a few more minutes.
Niles
What is this? Has Frasier been attempting the laundry again?
Martin
No, that's Eddie's. It's for a safety talk Eddie and I are giving at Glenbrook Elementary.
Daphne
Sounds like fun.
Martin
Oh, yeah! We're replacing a talking parrot act. Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob. Dick Chirpy was one of the finest officers I ever served with. It's funny, you know, with a name like Chirpy, you'd think he'd be the parrot, but as I said before, he wasn't, he was the guy. The parrot being Bob.
Niles
That's fascinating. Dad, are you sure you want to do this? I spoke at a career day once. It was a disaster. All the Taunting and yelling, I haven't been so... I haven't been so afraid of third graders since ninth grade.
Martin
Well, thanks for the warning, son, but Eddie and I will be fine. Hey! Would you like to see part of the act?
Daphne
We'd love to.
Martin
Oh, great. Take a seat. Come on, Eddie! Show time! [Eddie trots in.] Okay. Eddie, what should you do before you cross a street?
Martin
That's right! Look both ways. How about if a stranger approaches you?
Martin
Right again! Yell, and run to someone you trust.
Martin
Okay. What about if you catch on fire?
Martin
That's right! Stop, drop, and roll! What do you think?
Daphne
I think the kids are going to love it.
Frasier
I see Dad's been showing you the act.
Frasier
Hmm. Darn. This drawer isn't closing properly. I'd better go get my tools and have a look at it.
Niles
You sure you know what you're doing?
Frasier
Niles, please. I built a house. I think I can handle a simple drawer. You know, it's probably the slidey thing. Or the drawer may have become warped. If that's the case, then she's going to need to be planed, sanded, and refitted.
Niles
Or you could turn the stapler on its side.
Frasier
[dryly, somewhat embarrassed] I paid good money for an upright stapler.
Mr. Grant
Dr. Crane, it's great to see you! What are you doing here?
Frasier
Well, I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd stop by to see how you two are coming along, and I also wanted to drop off this--this little gift for you. I thought it would be perfect for the house.
Mr. Grant
Thank you very much, very generous.
Mrs. Grant
How lovely. Thank you.
Mr. Grant
Come in. Make yourself at home. Sorry for all the boxes.
Frasier
Oh, no, please don't apologize. You know, this is a beautiful print. [The framed print leans against the couch.]
Mrs. Grant
Oh, thank you. Actually, we've been debating about where to hang this.
Mr. Grant
I was thinking up on the wall.
Frasier
Uh-huh. Well, that's an excellent place, but uh, however, it comes to my mind that actually if you hung it opposite the front door, it would be the first thing your guests see when they arrive.
Mrs. Grant
What a wonderful idea.
Frasier
Well, thank you. Eh, um, actually, if you don't mind a little suggestion--um, if you put the couch, say...
Frasier
...like this, you see, you've got a lovely conversation area, as well as a clear view of the television.
Mrs. Grant
You really have a gift for this.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, it's hardly a gift. It's a knack perhaps, a--a flair at best.
Mrs. Grant
Wow. Wait until we tell people that our living room was decorated by Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Oh, please. Hardly decorated, but you know, if you'd like to sit down and sketch out a few ideas together, I'd be delighted.
Mrs. Grant
Seriously?
Frasier
Sure.
Mrs. Grant
Wow. Then I insist that you stay for dinner. [She picks up a box.]
Frasier
Well, how can I refuse? Here, let me take this for you. [He relieves her of the box.] You know, I had a lot of time to think about this space when I was watching the plaster dry. I was plaster watcher.
Gertrude
Can I help you?
Daphne
Mum, what are you doing here?
Gertrude
Just following orders. Working myself ill, so I can contribute to Her Highness's household coffers.
Niles
I'm sure Daphne only meant to suggest that perhaps you might help out a little bit more at home.
Gertrude
"Contribute" is the word she shouted down from her high horse. But I'll be glad to "help out" with the wages I earn serving strangers with my arthritic hands. Now, how may I provide you with excellent service?
Niles
Well, uh, what would you recommend?
Gertrude
Not having children.
Daphne
[extremely irritated] What does she think she's doing?
Niles
I guess this is just her childish attempt to embarrass us. Working here, she's hoping we'll retreat in humiliation.
Daphne
I stopped being humiliated after she showed up in that Spring Break video.
Martin
Hello.
Niles
Hi, Dad.
Martin
[taking a seat] Well, it's been 60 years, but once again, I am the toast of the second grade.
Niles
Congratulations.
Daphne
So it went well, then?
Martin
Oh, the kids loved it! When it was over, they all ran out and gave me and Eddie big hugs.
Niles
[moving away from Martin, closer to Daphne] Well, Dad, then you might just want to consider having that uniform cleaned. Kids that age are always carrying germs. God knows what you picked up.
Martin
Oh, I'm sure any germs on their hands were jarred loose by their wild applause. The principal asked us to come back and have an assembly for all the fourth graders.
Niles
Dad, good luck! It's well known that of the cruelest grades, ninth is third, seventh is second, and fourth is first!
Gertrude
If you're not going to order, I'll have to ask you to leave this establishment.
Martin
Gert! You working here?
Gertrude
At Daphne's insistence. The blood is pooling in my feet, but at least I'm contributing to the palace's upkeep. Say, maybe I could sell some of that blood, and give my daughter her cut. Is that a good idea, Daphne? Should I sell my blood for you?
Daphne
[deadpan] No, Mum, you can keep your blood.
Gertrude
Did you hear that everyone? My daughter's letting me keep my blood!
Niles
Okay, that's nice. Maybe we'll go have coffee at home.
Gertrude
No tips. Nice.
Mrs. Grant
[flatly] Frasier. Hi. What a surprise. [She is clearly neither surprised nor pleased to see him.] Honey, guess who's here again!
Mr. Grant
Whoa! Four times in one week.
Frasier
Hi, Chet. How do you like the sconces, huh?
Mr. Grant
Uh, good, good. I thought you had plans tonight.
Frasier
Well, I was just driving by and I noticed something rather alarming.
Mr. Grant
[impatiently, feigning politeness] What is it?
Frasier
It seems somebody has put a--a cow mailbox at the end of your driveway.
Mrs. Grant
That's ours. Chet put it up this morning.
Mr. Grant
If you want, we'd be happy to give you back the one you gave us.
Frasier
No, no, no, that's not necessary. It was a gift, and it was custom-painted to match the shutters--exactly the way I pictured it when this house was no more than a foundation. Now the cow is--is beautiful, but is it really the first impression you want to make? Remember, a mailbox is a house's handshake.
Mrs. Grant
[deadpan] We like the cow. It's cute.
Mr. Grant
Besides, we're thinking about replacing the shutters. Maybe put up some awnings.
Mrs. Grant
And a screen door. Wouldn't that be cozy?
Frasier
Gosh, I'm sorry. Everything's going so fast. I, uh--last night when I drove away from here, it seemed like we were all on the same page. Now it feels like we're working at cross-purposes. How do we feel about the accessories?
Mrs. Grant
They're okay.
Frasier
Okay? Last night, they were to die for!
Mrs. Grant
That doesn't sound like something I'd say.
Frasier
Well, I remember somebody saying it.
Frasier
Look, all right, let's, let's just try to calm down here. Marge, why don't you go serve up some of that world-famous apple pie of yours. We can all sit down and work this out.
Mr. Grant
[gently pushing him out the door] Thanks, Dr. Crane, you've been a big help, but I think that we can take it from here.
Frasier
Well, but surely...
Mrs. Grant
Good night, Dr. Crane!