Enemy At The Gate
Aired 1st October 2002 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier
When the phone company says they will be at your door between the hours of nine and noon, they have entered into a verbal contract. If they show up at 12:47 they are in breach of said contract.
Niles
[with irritation] Again, I agree.
Frasier
Well, I just shouldn't have waited for them, that's all. Now my entire day is thrown off.
Niles
Still, I appreciate your taking the time to give me a lift.
Frasier
Yes, well, when you informed me you had to get to the promenade shops posthaste, I assumed it was an actual emergency - not to return a cage for some silly lovebirds.
Niles
It may not be on the order of a fallen pant cuff, but until I get home with something more secure, little Daphne and Niles are living under a colander.
Frasier
Dear God... don't tell me you actually named them after yourselves.
Niles
Big mistake, I admit. This morning when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, What if she's hurt or lost or eaten by a cat? Or worse... what if she meets a bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?
Frasier
[sardonically] Trust me. No one is more birdly than Niles.
Niles
Thanks.
Frasier
What is with all this traffic? I tell you, don't these people have jobs? Some of us have a radio show to do!
Niles
Frasier, relax, you're not on for another hour and a half.
Frasier
[looking at the car clock] That can't be right. [checks his watch] Oh, Dear God! My show's on in fifteen minutes!
Niles
I had no idea it was so late. You can just drop me out front. I'll get a cab home.
Frasier
I'm afraid I'll have to. Damn it! Dad did this. I tell you, he gets in here, he wants to hear his favorite radio station and starts pushing buttons like a lab rat on amphetamines!
Frasier
Excuse me, we've changed our minds. We won't be parking.
George
Two dollars.
Frasier
No, you see, we just came in for a second and decided not to park. Just check the time on the ticket.
George
It's two dollars for any portion of twenty minutes - one second, ten minutes, whatever. Unless you go over, then it's two more dollars.
Frasier
Forgive me, perhaps I'm not being clear. You see, I mistakenly pulled in here, decided not to park, and now I'd like to just get out.
George
Two dollars.
Niles
I have two dollars.
Frasier
Put that away!
George
Sorry. You come in, you pay. That's policy.
Frasier
Oh, really? It just so happens that I have a few policies of my own, and one of them is that I do not pay good money for nothing!
George
Well, not for nothing, but your car's taking up space on the property.
Frasier
That's not parking!
George
It looks parked to me.
Frasier
But it's been continually in motion!
George
It's stopped.
Frasier
But it's still running.
George
It's parked. Look, the fee is two dollars. There's nothing you can do.
Frasier
Is that so? [to Niles] Do you hear that?
Niles
[nervous upon seeing the look] Yes, and it makes sense to me.
Frasier
Fine. Have it your way.
Niles
[scared] What are we doing, Frasier?
Frasier
If I'm going to be paying for parking, we are going to get our twenty minutes' worth.
Martin
OK, what we need now is a side piece with some ear and a little bit of sky. Ear with sky... ear with sky...
Daphne
Well, this is it. Sorry it's taken me so long to pick up the last of my things.
Martin
Oh, no problem. Frasier's not having the carpet people here til Friday.
Daphne
Oh, really? When it was my room, he said the carpet's good for another twenty years.
Martin
Yeah, well, now it's going to be a reading sanctuary.
Daphne
He's turning my room into a library?
Martin
No, he made it very clear it was a "reading sanctuary." A library implies sharing. I think there are some pieces missing from this one.
Daphne
You always say that, keep looking.
Martin
Why do I even do this stupid thing? Some puzzle, there's a picture of what's it's going to look like right on the box!
Daphne
You always say that, too.
Daphne
What's wrong, Eddie?
Martin
Come, boy! [Eddie keeps barking] He must know you're moving. He gets this way whenever I bring out my suitcase. He knows I'm going away and he starts raising hell. Boy, come! [Eddie keeps barking] Yeah, that's what it looks like.
Daphne
[puts the box down] Well, there's nothing to get upset about. I'll be here every day for your physical therapy.
Martin
You hear that, boy? She'll be here every day to torture your master.
Daphne
What should I do?
Martin
Maybe it'd distract him if you made me lunch.
George
[as another car tries to enter] Hold it, man!
Woman in Car
[as she's passing, to Frasier] Dumbass!
Niles
Other motorists are getting angry.
Frasier
If they weren't so shortsighted, they'd see that I'm doing this for their own good. It's like correcting people's grammar - I don't do it to be popular.
Niles
And I support that, but in this case I strongly feel we should pay the money and get out of here before there's violence.
Frasier
Niles, they can get around us if they want to. So what, it takes them an extra two seconds! It's a small price to pay for making this a better world.
Niles
OK, but we're also inconveniencing ourselves.
Frasier
Niles, you'll get home to your stupid, filthy bird soon enough!
Niles
I meant that your radio show is about to start... dumbass.
Frasier
Right.
Kenny
Where the hell's the doc?
Roz
He still isn't here.
Kenny
It's almost showtime! I swear to God, nobody here has any discipline! I'm starting to think, I've been too loose with the leash! I mean, gee whiz, I try to make everyone happy and all it gets me is a twisted gut. Well, no more! This Saturday, we're gonna have a staff meeting, we're gonna hash out some rules!
Roz
I'm busy Saturday!
Kenny
[pause] Well, it's not mandatory.
Roz
Roz Doyle. Frasier! Where are you? What? [to Kenny] He's at some mall, he's still got ten minutes of parking left. [into phone] You know, you don't have to use the full twenty minutes.
Roz
[to Kenny] He knows that. [into phone] What are you doing? [beat] What?! You lost me after "Gandhi."
Frasier
Just stall. I don't know, read some fan mail if you have to. There must be! Check in my Inbox! Oh, never mind! I'll be there when I get there, and when I do, I will have a little speech for my listeners about the Power of One! [hangs up]
Niles
[sarcastic] Sounds like everybody's a winner today.
Frasier
Are you being snide? Because that's not healthy.
Niles
[fed up] Well, I'll just go return my birdcage. [opens car door]
Frasier
Niles! You shut that door! [he does] You can't desert me in the middle of a fight!
Niles
I'm not deserting you.
Frasier
It would appear to others that you are, thereby weakening my position. Please, you must stay.
Man
What the hell is going on here?
Frasier
I'm glad you asked me that question. I am making a stand against this garage that holds me, my passenger, and my automobile hostage for a parking fee which I do not owe.
George
[to Man] He don't want to pay two dollars.
Frasier
Look, I already told you, it's not about the money. In fact, to prove it's not about the money, I will donate two dollars to the charity of your choice.
Man
Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr.-BMW!
Frasier
My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
Niles
Yes, I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
George
I told my boss I have a non-pay.
Frasier
Oh! You see, Niles, this happens so often they actually have a name for us.
Niles
More than one, I bet.
George
[holds out a clipboard] Just sign the form that says, "unable to pay," and send us a check.
Frasier
Well, I'm certainly not going to send you a check.
George
Look, most people don't, just sign the form so I can get this gate open.
Niles
Oh, Frasier, it's an out! You should take it.
Frasier
Niles, I refuse to sign anything that says I am unable to pay! It's untrue!
George
Look, I really don't care, Jack, I just got to get this lane re-opened. Now it's either two dollars or the form, so I can put it in my drawer.
Frasier
You know my terms: you will receive your money when the twenty minutes is up.
George
Fine. Then I'll put in my own money! [reaches for it]
Frasier
No, no, you can't do that!
George
It's too late, it's on me! [opens gate] Go ahead, Mr. Beemer!
Frasier
Don't you call me that! You put that down right now, we're not going anywhere!
Niles
[can take no more] AAAAHHHH!!! I can't do this anymore, Frasier!
Frasier
Excuse me. [rolls window up] What are you talking about?
Niles
Do you really want justice? Or is this just an outlet for your bad mood?
Frasier
I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD! [Niles looks at him] Oh fine, just go! And bravo for staying on a whole ten minutes! Goodbye!
George
I don't blame you for bailing on that idiot.
Niles
He's not an idiot. He's just... passionate.
George
I think he's an idiot. [to Frasier] Suit yourself, idiot.
Niles
That idiot happens to be my brother.
Frasier
Don't these people realize I'm on their side?
Niles
I don't think they care, so long as you're in their lane.
Frasier
[out his window] I'm doing this for all of you! Don't you understand?
Man 2
No, no, come out here and explain it to us!
Niles
Don't even think about it, Frasier, that man wants to hit you.
Frasier
I'm not afraid.
Frasier
People, please! I am not the enemy! I am your champion!
Man 2
Well, we got places to be, so move yo' ass!
WoMan 2
Yeah, move it!
Frasier
But I'm doing this for all of us!
Woman 3
If you want to do something for me, get out of the way!
WoMan 2
You save the protest for your own driveway!
Frasier
If you could only see things from my point of view, then I'm sure you'd agree with me! You see, I pulled into this garage, decided not to park, and now I want to leave, but they still insist on collecting two dollars! Is that fair? Has a service been provided?
Woman 3
Even if it's a rip-off, it's better than causing a big stink!
Frasier
Ah! But is it? I say no! I say we've been trod upon long enough by people who are supposed to be providing our services! By the postmen who mix up our deliveries! By the telephone repairmen who swear to be there between nine and noon, and yet arrive at-
Frasier
-12:47, when you're wearing nothing but a towel and a hatful of shampoo! Well, ENOUGH! I invoke my right to peaceful protest! Civil disobedience is a cornerstone of this country, for it is how the common man is heard!
George
Can you tow it?
Driver
Not with them in it.
Frasier
Well, that's just tough luck! Because we ain't budging.
Driver
You'll have to call the police.
Crowd
Good idea!/It's about time!/Yeah!
Frasier
GO AHEAD! [sits back down and closes the sunroof] I think I made a mistake.
Niles
Maybe it's time to back down.
Frasier
I'm not sure that I can. I am right, after all. My principles are holding me captive.
Niles
Your principles may have started this, but it's your rigidity that's kept it going.
Frasier
My rigidity? The rigid ones are the ones who operate this garage, and enforce such inflexible policies.
Niles
You've been given more than one opportunity to leave without paying!
Frasier
Yes, but that's not the point! They have to know why I won't pay.
Niles
Which you could explain in a letter! But no, you won't be satisfied until everyone either agrees with you, or has suffered for failing to!
Frasier
Do you really think so?
Niles
I do.
Frasier
Well... that's quite an indictment. I never really thought of myself as uncompromising. Well, not in a bad way. I'm not sure I like this side of myself.
Niles
Well, you can still change course. If you can leave here without getting your full twenty minutes' worth, you'll be the bigger person for it.
Frasier
Yes, but then these taunting motorists won't know that I'm being the bigger person. They'll think they've gotten the better of me, or that I'm afraid to be arrested.
Niles
The bigger person doesn't worry about what other people think.
Frasier
Damn! [sulky] I DO want to be the bigger person, it's just so hard! [pause] You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you and that ridiculous birdcage!
Frasier
Oh, come on, I can only change one character flaw at a time!
Daphne
You were right about distracting him, he seems fine now.
Martin
As soon as you head for that door again, he's gonna have a fit. Let me get you some dog treats to give him.
Daphne
I don't understand. I may sleep across town, but I still see him all the time.
Martin
Well, you got to look at it from Eddie's point of view. This person who's meant so much to him isn't going to be living here anymore.
Martin
For nine years, he's felt the comfort of knowing you were here every night, and making him his breakfast every morning, and he's come to depend on that. Now everything's changed.
Martin
Ah, would you look at that. He's probably gonna get on my bed to pout.
Daphne
I think he'll adjust.
Martin
Well, who knows? Old dogs get used to a certain routine. And as tough as they might look, they get lonely. Well, I guess he'll adjust eventually. [sits back down to the puzzle]
Daphne
You know, maybe I haven't been coming around enough lately. Why don't you and I make a regular appointment to walk him together?
Martin
Oh, geez, that'd be great! I have to check with him, but he's free most of the time.
Daphne
Why don't we start tomorrow morning? [opens the door] That way I can have breakfast with the old boy too.
Martin
He'd really like that.
Roz
Then, on Friday, it'll be fish sticks with tater tots and a fruit cup. That takes care of the St. Victoria's Elementary lunch schedule for the next month. We'll be back to tackle St. Victor's, after this!
Kenny
Holy buckets, what are you doing?! Take some calls!
Roz
I'm not a shrink, I can't tell people what to do!
Kenny
Yeah, that always stops you women. Just rap about something, open up a discussion, you know? [checks wall] The station I.D.'s over, go!
Roz
Oh, OK! [back on the air] Hello again, everybody! Well, we're still waiting on Dr. Crane. So, until he gets here, let's hear what's on your minds! You know the number, give me a call. [presses button] Hello, caller. You're on the air.
Mark
[v.o.] Hi, Roz. This is Mark from Bainbridge, and I made a big mistake.
Roz
Go on.
Mark
I slept with my boss. Now things at work are super uncomfortable.
Roz
Well, Mark, I feel for you. I've been there myself. What you ought to do is just talk it out with your boss.
Mark
You went through this too?
Roz
Yeah, and it was weird for a while, but now, things are just fine. [chuckles] Who else out there needs my advice? Let me hear your calls. [presses button] You're on the air. How can I solve your problem?
Sheila
[v.o.] Actually, I was calling about something else, but when you say, "now things are fine," it sounds like you still work with this person.
Roz
What? No, no! [laughs nervously] I worked with this person a long, long time ago.
Sheila
Then why'd you say "now"?
Roz
Because... I don't speak so good?
Sheila
Isn't Dr. Crane your boss?
Roz
Well, no, I like to think of Frasier as a "colleague."
Sheila
Oh, now he's "Frasier"!
Roz
Yeah, I mean, it's just that I...
Sheila
I think you did Frasier.
Niles
Frasier, you are not a prisoner of your character. You can decide right now that you're going to be the flexible one here. Pay the money, and go!
Frasier
I could break my pattern.
Niles
Yes!
Frasier
I could just pay the money, without proving to everyone that I'm right, without teaching them a lesson.
Niles
Exactly! You can do it!
Frasier
Sir? I'll have you know, I am leaving, with time to spare.
George
Congratulations.
Frasier
Since you cannot understand the moral code for which I stayed here, I am sure you must be perplexed that I am leaving before the twenty minutes is up. Suffice it to say, I am the bigger man for it. And you, and your nefarious policy may now carry on, in what is highway robbery in the truest sense of the expression! Here is your ticket, and... [hands over ticket and money] your ill-gotten two dollars.
George
Four dollars.
Frasier
Four dollars?!
George
You went over twenty minutes. It's two dollars for each portion of twenty minutes.
Frasier
But I already backed down!
George
Well, if you had spared me the speech, you would have made it out in time. [smiles] Tough break, huh?
Frasier
Indeed... hold on, Niles.
Kenny
I can't believe it! I mean, I always felt some chemistry between you and the doc, but... Wowza! This can't hurt ratings.
Roz
Calm down, Kenny, it isn't true!
Kenny
[laughing] Yeah, right. Hey, you didn't do it here at the station, did you?
Roz
Of course not!
Kenny
Hey, as long as it wasn't on my couch, who gives? Hey, the commercial's over.
Roz
[back on-air] And we're back, with our new topic: Cats or Dogs, which is better?
Roz
Hello, caller, you're on the air.
Jerry
[v.o.] This is Jerry from Elliot Bay.
Roz
Which do you have, Jerry: cat or a dog? [hits cough button] Frasier, I am so sorry, I really screwed up!
Frasier
It's all right, Roz. I'll take care of everything.
Jerry
I don't have either, I just want to know what's going on with Dr. Crane.
Frasier
[on-air] Yes, well I'll bet you do, Jerry! Dr. Frasier Crane here, Seattle. I'm sorry I'm late. It sounds as if Roz has informed you of my exploits!
Jerry
She hasn't said much, but we'd like to hear it from you.
Frasier
Well, it wasn't my finest hour. Let's just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake, and then tried like hell to get out!
Roz
[waving urgently] Frasier!
Frasier
There was a lot of shouting, and then a line started to form behind me. Fortunately, my brother was with me for moral support, and, well, let's face it, somebody to talk to. You know, you'd be amazed how long twenty minutes can be when you're watching the clock. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars!