Farewell, Nervosa
Aired April 22nd, 2003 · Written by Eric Zicklin · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier
Which not only helps in the healing process, but also provides one with the confidence to go forward, in spite of the fear this kind of trauma can cause. Honestly, I can't say enough about these medicated bandage strips. But thank you for asking, Jordan.
Frasier
Up next is the stock market report with Julia Wilcox.
Frasier
Hello, Avery. Impeccable timing.
Avery
Good to see you Frasier.
Frasier
Yes, hello. Oh, careful, careful. Paper cut.
Avery
Yes, I caught the last half hour of your show.
Frasier
Ah. Oh, Roz, come meet an old friend of mine. Avery McManus, this is Roz Doyle, my producer.
Avery
Lovely to meet you.
Roz
Same here.
Frasier
Avery and I used to live across the hall from each other back at Oxford, now he lives in Seattle. A very accomplished accountant who's going to take me on as a client.
Roz
Well, my taxes could use some serious doing.
Frasier
Roz, he's married. [ushering her back to her side] I tell you what: I'll be back in about an hour to go over this month's "Best of".
Avery
Oh, I don't think an hour is going to be long enough, Frasier. Your finances are a mess. Your spending's out of control.
Frasier
Well that's impossible. I'm very prudent.
Avery
Then what about this nine thousand dollar caviar bill from last month? And what's with you and wine? I had to take on an associate just to go through your sherry receipts. And then...
Frasier
Gosh, you know, I've completely forgotten myself. How is Amanda? I don't believe I've seen her since the wedding.
Avery
Amanda's great. She made partner.
Julia
Okay, everybody, the "I'm a Pathetic Loser" show is over.
Frasier
My listeners are not pathetic losers.
Julia
I wasn't referring to your listeners.
Avery
You're Julia Wilcox.
Julia
Yes, I am.
Avery
You wrote "Practical Applications of Econometrics".
Julia
Yes, I did.
Avery
I loved that book. Avery McManus.
Julia
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet a fan, Avery.
Julia
A fan is someone who enjoys your work.
Frasier
Yes, and do you know what they call someone who can't stand your work?
Julia
In your case, the public.
Frasier
She was supposed to say "What?" and I was going to say "Me." Oh, come on, let's get out of here.
Martin
Ow! How come you only rub where it hurts?
Daphne
Your sons hired me to torture you so that's what I'm doing.
Martin
Ow! Eddie, Daddy's in trouble. Sic her!
Daphne
Okay, all done, old man. And I hope you got your griping out of your system, because I need you to be on your best behavior next time.
Martin
Why?
Daphne
Because, the agency won't assign me any more clients until an evaluator observes me at work.
Martin
Oh, geez. I don't want to go on display like some trained seal.
Daphne
Please? I'll give you some treats.
Martin
Treats, huh? Okay.
Martin
Hey, Fraizh. How was your trip to the accountant?
Frasier
Fine, fine. Uh, why are all these lights on? All right, I'll be honest with you. Avery had some very stern warnings for me. The situation isn't dire, but it could become serious if I don't change my ways.
Martin
Well, that doesn't sound too tough. Get balcony seats at the opera.
Daphne
And stop throwing away your change.
Frasier
Oh, that was one time! And if you'd seen that cashier's fingernails, you'd have done the same thing. All right, the point is I have to come up with a plan. A plan... Perhaps a ruminative latte will do me some good at Nervosa.
Martin
What? You just had a whole new espresso machine shipped here from Italy!
Frasier
Yes, well I'm waiting for the cups!
Frasier
Besides, Nervosa is more to me than just a place for coffee. It's my refuge, my sanctuary for contemplation. Oh! Oh, I've just had a cost-saving idea! Daphne, you're family now and yet I still pay you full price for Dad's therapy.
Frasier
All right, I'll keep thinking. Off I go!
Niles
This happens every time you hire a new accountant. You let their fear get to you. But remember: it's Avery's job to worry about your finances, not yours.
Frasier
Yes, of course it is, of course it is. He's the professional. Thanks so much, Niles, that's really quite helpful. I feel better now. Excuse me, change my shortbread order to tart tatin. One for my brother, please, a la mode.
Niles
He's back.
Ben
You ready for some more music, Seattle?
Ben
Great!
Frasier
I quite agree! I am sorry, young man. If we wanted to hear your music, we would attend one of your concerts. In the bus station.
Ben
Well, people seem to like it. Here, they clap along, and it's been enough to keep me out of the three piece cage.
Frasier
The what?
Ben
The suit, man, the suit.
Maureen
Excuse me, is there a problem?
Frasier
Well, yes, as a matter of fact there is. This man is making it impossible for me to converse with my brother.
Maureen
I think he's great.
Frasier
Ah. I understand. You two are friends. Perhaps you used to "gig" together in your salad days. But if you wish to alter the atmosphere of this cafe, I suggest you consult with the owner.
Maureen
I am the owner.
Frasier
Oh really. Well, I'm Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure.
Maureen
Maureen Nervosa.
Frasier
Really? Well, I happen to be one of your core customers, Ms. Nervosa. In of fact, I spend over three thousand dollars a year here, which I just found out today.
Niles
Frasier, people are starting to stare. Let's just come back tomorrow afternoon when the cafe is quieter.
Maureen
Actually, Ben will be playing afternoons from now on.
Frasier
Really? Well you know, I, I would think about that. Although we do adore your establishment, if there is one thing we can find in Seattle it is another coffee shop.
Ben
Yeah, but not many of them will let you change in the men's room.
Frasier
Now, I don't relish the idea of asking you this, but I'm afraid you will have to choose. Either...
Maureen
I choose Ben.
Frasier
I see. Well, farewell, Nervosa. It's been a splendid decade, but I'm afraid your brew has become a bit too bold for my brother and me. Come, Niles, let's go.
Niles
But, I don't want to go. Nervosa is my haven, my cocoon.
Ben
This next one's called "The Wild Rover"!
Ben
I've been a wild rover, for many a year. And I spent all me money on whisky and beer.
Ben
And now I'm returning with gold in great store, And I never will play the wild rover no more. And it's no, nay, never...no, nay, never no more...
Frasier
My name is Frasier, this is my brother Niles. We're thinking of making this our regular haunt.
Steve
[deadpan] Way to go.
Frasier
We'll have two espressos, please. I'm sorry, and your name is?
Steve
Steve.
Frasier
Stephen. Outstanding.
Steve
Just Steve.
Frasier
Steve. I look forward to years of this sort of lively banter.
Niles
They found a way to bring the charm of an airport to a mid-town location.
Frasier
Now, Niles, let's try to be positive, this may be out new home.
Frasier
Yes, this will do nicely. This will be our regular table. [pointing] And that will be our backup regular table.
Frasier
Oh, perhaps we should keep looking.
Frasier
Hello, Julia.
Julia
Hello, Frasier. Wow, who's this? Your stunt double?
Frasier
This is my brother Niles. Niles, I'd like you to meet my colleague, Julia Wilcox.
Niles
How do you do?
Julia
Wow, that's very good, Frasier, I didn't even see your lips move. I thought you always go to Nervosa.
Frasier
Well, sadly, no more. They've hired a terribly annoying folk singer, whose hideous noise making has made it impossible for me to enjoy my one sanctuary.
Julia
I didn't ask for your life story.
Frasier
Steve, I'm afraid we'll be taking these to go, thank you.
Julia
Oh, glad to hear it. Goodbye, Frasier. Goodbye, Emergency Frasier.
Niles
I don't like her.
Frasier
I don't like her cafe anymore. Let's go.
Frasier
Oh, thank you, Steve. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid my brother and I will not be the everyday stalwarts I predicted we would be.
Steve
Damn. Every time I open my heart...
Frasier
You know, Avery was always a bit of a playboy, but honestly I thought marriage would settle him down. I should just tell Julia that he's married. But then again, she's been so rude to me, why should I do something nice for her? But then again, can I just sit idly by and keep my mouth shut?
Martin
I can answer that one.
Daphne
Doesn't he wear a ring?
Frasier
No, but I know he has one. I was at the wedding. Dad, you see I'm facing a perplexing dilemma, here. Some guidance would be welcome.
Martin
No it wouldn't. You always ask my opinion, and then completely ignore it. Well this time, while I've got the floor, I'm gonnna talk about what I want to talk about. NBA referees need to enforce the traveling rule. It's dribble-one step-shoot, not dribble-step-step-step-STEP- shoot! Thank you.
Frasier
That was very helpful. I guess I'll just do what I always do: sort through this myself.
Frasier
All right, I'm off to Nervosa. No. I'm off to that...other place where young Steve works. No. That's Avery and Julia's place. Well, I hope you're both satisfied, now I don't know where the hell I'm going!
Frasier
I'm hashing over an ethical dilemma, so I think I could use some black coffee.
Server
What size would you like?
Frasier
Uh, I've got a lot to ponder, so I think a large.
Server
I'm afraid we don't have large, sir. We have piccolo, macho, mucho and mucho macho.
Frasier
I see. Uh, do you happen to know what size would correspond to a Nervosa grande?
Server
No. But our mucho is about the same as the semi-colossal over at Don't Spill the Beans.
Frasier
Ah, ah, all right. I know that their colossal is comparable to a Nervosa grande, so the semi-colossal would be three quarters of a colossal, so the mucho and the semi-colossal would be equivalent... so I should have the mucho macho. But only fill it five-eighths.
Server
Yes sir. For fifty cents extra, we can pre-heat the vessel.
Frasier
No. Can we just move this along, please?
Server
I understand completely. Your zip-code, please?
Server
[whispering] You don't have to give your real zip if you don't want to.
Frasier
[whispering too] Than what's the point?
Server
It unlocks the cash register.
Frasier
Put in whatever code you wish. [He hands over the cash.] Here we are. Now, I'd just like a cup of coffee and a quiet place to drink it.
Server
Can do, sir. Okay, here's your change, you're number four, I'll bring it to your bean bag.
Evelyn
Now, you have a bullet lodged in your hip, correct?
Martin
Do I? Oh, that's right, I do. Sometimes I forget, the way Daphne takes care of me. She's the best.
Evelyn
All right. And how would you rate your level of comfort during therapy?
Martin
Oh, I don't think you can come up with a number high enough, so I'll just say... thirty.
Evelyn
Sorry. Oh, it's my nanny. Well, not MY nanny. Wouldn't that be somethin'? Do you mind?
Daphne
No, please, go ahead.
Evelyn
Hi.
Daphne
What are you doing?
Martin
What do you think? I'm makin' you look good.
Daphne
Yeah, well stop it. My work speaks for itself.
Martin
Oh, Daphne, I love you but sometimes you can be so naive. Sure you're good at the job, but you need a little salesmanship. That's why I'm here.
Daphne
If you so much as...
Evelyn
Sorry about that. Suzy got stuck in the laundry chute again.
Daphne
Oh, poor thing. How old is she?
Evelyn
What's the difference? After tomorrow, she's not our nanny anymore. All right, shall we begin, Martin?
Martin
Are you kidding? This is my favorite part of the day.
Evelyn
Whenever you're ready, Daphne.
Daphne
First I like to start with some simple range-of-motion exercises to warm up the muscles.
Martin
Oh, am I on a cloud? 'Cause that's how it feels, like I'm on a cloud.
Daphne
Then some strokes around the flexus smoothing out any knots.
Evelyn
And do you feel any discomfort, Martin?
Martin
Discomfort? Try disbelief. I don't know how she does it.
Evelyn
You know, physical therapy shouldn't be a pleasure trip. It is challenging, healing work. You really need to be digging into the muscles there, Daphne.
Daphne
Yeah, I...
Evelyn
Let me show you.
Martin
Ahhhh! That did it, all right.
Evelyn
Oh, that's not so bad. I think you've just been pampered a little too long, huh?
Martin
Ohhh!
Evelyn
That is the sound of progress. Think you can work like this?
Daphne
Watch me.
Roz
You can stop checking the door. Frasier swore he'd never come back here.
Niles
Oh, I'm not worried about him. Yes, we do have a pact to boycott Nervosa, but I only came in her because I saw you sitting alone and I thought you needed company.
Ben
Are you ready for some more music?
Niles
Oh, fudge. Time to go.
Roz
Why don't you like Ben? He's really nice. He was selling his CDs outside, I got "Abbey Road" and the soundtrack from "Grease".
Ben
I'm gonna need a little bit of help with this one. [pointing to Niles] What about you, sir, what about you?
Roz
Yeah.
Ben
Can you keep a steady beat for me?
Niles
Sorry, no.
Ben
What do you think, Nervosa? Is he the man for the job?
Ben
He doesn't really think you mean it.
Roz
Go!
Niles
[to Ben] If I do this, will you take a break?
Ben
Yeah, I love breaks, bloke. He says yes!
Niles
Sorry, are you going to stick with that 4/4 tempo?
Ben
Yeah, yeah.
Niles
Would you call that sort of an andante feeling?
Ben
Just shake it, okay?!
Ben
Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Watch me wallaby feed, mate, watch me wallaby feed. It's a dangerous breed, mate, watch me wallaby feed. All together now...
Ben
Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Let's show 'em!
Frasier
Niles!
Frasier
Don't you run, you coward!
Ben
I'll be right back. Oh, by the way, ten dollars is still the best price for "Quadrifinia".
Roz
Well, well, look who's here. I thought you were Nervosa non grata.
Frasier
I had no place else to go.
Server
Would you like your usual?
Frasier
More than you could possibly know.
Ben
This is a song I wrote about doing the right thing.
Frasier
Oh, lord, I'm gonna need that to go.
Ben
I think we always know in our hearts what the right thing is, but we don't always have the courage to do it. In my case, I knew this guy, what was playin' around with a woman. But what she didn't know was, he already had a girlfriend.
Ben
Anyway, I was the only one who knew the facts, but what was I to do? Tell the guy to back off? Tell the girl that she was dating a sleaze? So I thought, and I thought and here's what I done.
Ben
Oh, what a drag, I broke a string. Anyway, I'll be back in a mo'.
Frasier
Excuse me, excuse me.
Ben
What?
Frasier
What happened?
Ben
What?
Frasier
In the song, what happened?
Ben
I have to think all the way through it. Uh, "I knew a guy who had the wandering eye..."
Frasier
Yes, we know that part. What next?
Ben
"He met a lady, he told her a lie..."
Frasier
Right, and then?
Ben
Chorus. Repeat chorus.
Frasier
Yes, yes, but the end. How did it end?
Ben
[singing loudly] "San Antonia Blues!"
Avery
I said I'm coming!
Avery
Frasier. What can I do for you?
Frasier
[coming in] Avery, we need to talk.
Avery
I'm a little busy at the moment.
Frasier
I'm sorry, it can't wait. I know about you and Julia Wilcox.
Avery
I have no idea what you're...
Frasier
Oh, stop that! You are a married man. I realize this may be fun and games to you, but she could get hurt.
Avery
This is really not a good time.
Frasier
And why the hell not?
Julia
Because I'm in the closet!
Frasier
I had no idea. I didn't mean for you to overhear...
Julia
What? That Avery is married? I already know.
Frasier
You do?
Julia
We're having an affair, you idiot.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry. I thought I was helping you.
Julia
Are you finished helping yet?
Frasier
Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I'm also finished thinking that you and I owe each other the loyalty of professional kinship. From this day forward we are merely coworkers, cut and dried. [to Avery] And as for you, I am deducting my mileage here as a business expense.
Avery
Unbelievable. Are you all right?
Julia
Yeah, yeah. He was just trying to help, in his own heavy handed way.
Avery
He was always trying to be the hero. You know, one night back at Oxford, he crawled out onto a ledge to rescue what turned out to be a gargoyle.
Avery
Ah, it's my wife. Excuse me.
Avery
Hello? ... Hello, darling. ... Well, I miss you too. ... Ah, not long.
Frasier
When does the alleged music start?
Server
It doesn't. Ben quit.
Frasier
Really? Why?
Server
Ask him yourself.
Frasier
Well, well. That's quite a sharp looking three piece cage. What happened?
Ben
Well you know, I don't really know. Some little blonde doxy came in here and hooked me up with a job at the Pelham Bay bank. [to server] Have you got my check, old man?
Server
In the back. [to Frasier] Do you want that for here or to go?
Frasier
For here. I'm staying.
Julia
Congratulations, Frasier. You got your cafe back.
Frasier
Whatever.
Frasier
Say, Julia, wait.
Frasier
Didn't you used to be on the board of the Pelham Bay Bank?
Julia
You want to know my bio? Go to my website.