The Devil and Dr. Phil
Aired April 29th, 2003 · Written by Sam Johnson, Chris Marcil · Directed by Wil Shriner
Frasier
Dad, why aren't you dressed? It's four in the afternoon.
Martin
Oh, I've been workin' nights. My body clock's off. I'm eating bacon and eggs at night and drinking beer in the morning.
Frasier
That's what you always do.
Martin
Yeah, but now I'm tired all the time.
Daphne
There must be some way to end this fight with your boss.
Frasier
What's the problem?
Martin
Oh, he wants me to date his sister and I won't do it so he's put me on graveyard 'til I cave.
Frasier
Well, he can't do that. Why don't you file a complaint?
Martin
I'd just as soon keep it just between the two of us.
Frasier
I see. Is this woman really so repulsive that you're willing to sacrifice all your nights just to avoid a date with her?
Martin
Well, let me put it this way: years of chewing tobacco have discolored her tooth.
Martin
Someone left a book of one-liners in the lost and found. [pointing to the television] Hey, Fraizh, there's your friend again.
Daphne
Dr. Phil?
Announcer
[from the TV] ...Dr. Phil McGraw, in person.
Phil
I'll be talking about life strategies at the State Theater Friday through Sunday. Come join us, it might just change your life.
Martin
Now there's a doctor.
Daphne
I never knew you were friends with Dr. Phil.
Frasier
Some years back we found ourselves running into each other at seminars and conferences. He's an excellent therapist. We had a bit of a clash over ethics.
Daphne
Oh, really. What did you do, sleep with a patient?
Frasier
Not MY ethics, his. The man bilked me out of two hundred dollars in a card game.
Martin
He did not bilk you, it's called a one-eyed jack.
Frasier
Yes, yes, there is one eye, but the other eye is there by implication! Therefore, the hand should have been a do-over. And you can ask Niles about this too! As far as I'm concerned, the man owes me two hundred dollars.
Martin
This guy is so cheap, he could squeeze a nickel 'til the buffalo chokes.
Frasier
Dad, exactly how old is this book of one-liners?
Martin
How old? You're asking me how old? Well, I'll tell you how old.
Martin
1956
Roz
Oh, Frasier. Daphne told me all about Dr. Phil. I can't believe you know him. Do you think you can get me in backstage?
Frasier
Roz, I really hadn't planned on seeing him.
Roz
Oh, jealous, huh? That's okay, I understand.
Frasier
I most certainly am not jealous. The man happens to owe me two hundred dollars.
Roz
Right. But you know who could help you with your jealousy? Dr. Phil. He'd be like "So your jealousy of me has taken over your life. How's that workin' for ya?"
Frasier
Yes, and I'd be like "Fine. My money, sir."
Roz
Please? Please do it for me, please?
Frasier
Well, all right, all right.
Roz
Oh, thank you.
Roz
All right, I'll see you at work.
Frasier
Yeah, okay.
Gertrude
Here ya go. I couldn't remember if you wanted it black or not, so I brought it both ways.
Frasier
Well, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank you.
Gertrude
No, you might as well keep it, you're payin' for both.
Daphne
Hello.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne
Niles, look who's here.
Niles
Oh, isn't that adorable? You see this couple, we've seen them in the park a few times. They're so sweet together. We like to think of them as us when we're older.
Daphne
Look how old Niles still puts his jacket around old Daphne's shoulders.
Niles
Oh, she's still a saucy little kitten.
Daphne
And I'll be he still rolls over in the middle of the night.
Frasier
Yes, the picture is gotten, thank you.
Niles
Oh, I think I've found old Frasier.
Daphne
Oh, yeah.
Frasier
I see. Well I hope the two of you will understand if, in future, I choose to knit scarves only for myself.
Niles
Oh, come on, we were only joking.
Frasier
Yes, I know, it's all in good fun. Oh, Niles, I just remembered, I...
Man
Shut up!
Frasier
Excuse me?
Man
Shut up! We're trying to knit!
Roz
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil, over here!
Frasier
Roz, please! At least attempt to be cool. Phil, Phil!
Phil
Well Frasier Crane, is that you?
Frasier
Most assuredly.
Phil
Oh, it's you all right.
Phil
So, how are you?
Frasier
I'm fine, I'm fine. How's Robin?
Phil
She's great. Can you believe it? We're goin' on twenty- seven years.
Frasier
Congratulations.
Phil
And how's Lilith?
Frasier
Well, we've been divorced now for ten years.
Phil
Congratulations.
Roz
Hi, I'm Roz Doyle, I'm Frasier's producer. I just think you're wonderful, I think your show is great and you're truly a wise man, do you know Tom Hanks?
Phil
Uh, no. But thanks for the compliment.
Phil
They'll come on through.
Frasier
Oh, thank you, thanks.
Phil
Come on. So, Frasier, how's your show?
Frasier
Oh, huge. Thank you.
Roz
We just added Spokane last year.
Frasier
And a station in St. Paul... has agreed to let me send them a tape.
Phil
Can you believe after all that time we spent in the seminars that we both turned out to be broadcasters? Boy, those were some good times, weren't they?
Frasier
Oh, indeed they were. Although... sometimes the fun and games were lacking in fun.
Phil
Are you still whinin' about that two hundred bucks?
Frasier
Well, it's the principle of the thing! I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, why don't we just discuss it over dinner?
Phil
Love to, can't. I am so busy: personal appearances and book signings and interviews. I've got this agent that's got me goin' twenty five/eight. In fact, speak of the devil, here she comes.
Bebe
Phil, darling! That was sensational.
Frasier
Bebe?
Bebe
Frasier! And Roz too.
Phil
You guys know each other?
Roz
She's my agent.
Frasier
And she used to be mine.
Bebe
Phil, there's a swarm of reporters in your dressing room just waiting to talk to you.
Phil
I probably should be going, actually, but Roz, it was really nice to meet you. And Frasier, tell you what, let's do e-mail.
Frasier
Okay.
Bebe
Isn't he marvelous? He's a cowboy wrapped in a genius wrapped in a dream... wrapped in another cowboy.
Roz
I cannot believe that I have the same agent as Dr. Phil!
Bebe
Actually, you don't. Somebody as big as Dr. Phil needs all of my attention. But rest assured you are being handled ably by an agent in whom I have the utmost confidence.
Roz
Who is it?
Bebe
I want to say Tim...
Roz
I think I need to make a phone call.
Frasier
Yeah.
Frasier
So, Bebe. However did you land Dr. Phil?
Bebe
We met about a year ago a a charity donkey basketball game.
Frasier
Donkey basketball?
Bebe
Texas, darling. It's like the symphony to them. Long story short, I gave him some advice and finally he hired me full time.
Frasier
Well, congratulations.
Bebe
You can't imagine the connections I have these days. If only you and I had... well, that's water under the bridge, I guess. It's fun catching up, but Phil's interviewing stylists for the Emmys. Bye, Frasier.
Roz
What a phony, huh?
Frasier
[crestfallen] She used to be my phony.
Frasier
Dad, do you think I did the right thing, changing agents? I mean, the one I have now is fine, but after I've seen what Bebe's done for Phil, I can't help wondering if maybe I've denied myself access to a wider world.
Frasier
Dad, are you all right?
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't talked to anybody for a few days, it feels kinda strange. Even this is makin' me a little uncomfortable.
Frasier
Dad, you have got to stop with the graveyard shifts or you're going to start seeing apparitions.
Martin
No, don't worry about me, I'm pretty tough. Listen, I'd love to stay here talkin' to you, but all this sunlight is makin' me dizzy.
Frasier
What, you don't like the sun?
Martin
Us night-shift guys call it "the scare ball."
Frasier
Oh, Bebe.
Bebe
Hello, darling, I came across this old box of Frasier strategy memos and I thought I'd bring them by to you.
Frasier
Oh, I didn't realize there was so much.
Bebe
And you thought I didn't work hard.
Frasier
Now, now there's no need to take that tone, things have certainly worked out okay for you, wouldn't you say?
Bebe
Too true. But I can't be blamed for being a bit of a bitter Bebe. No one likes being tossed aside for a younger woman.
Frasier
Oh, Bebe, you know very well I only changed agents because you were ignoring me in favor of another client.
Bebe
I wasn't ignoring you! I was only getting some much needed critical distance for a final glorious Frasierian push. But let's not rehash the past.
Frasier
Agreed. We accomplished too much together to stop being friends now.
Bebe
True. Frasier, have you ever wondered what it would be like if I could apply what I've learned to you?
Frasier
Yes I have. But it cannot be. Can it?
Bebe
Dangerous thoughts. You're a siren, luring me to the rocks. But I must resist or you'll hurt me again.
Frasier
No, I'm no siren, I'm a man. A man with ambitions.
Bebe
"Ambition." The word is candy to me. Damn you, devil-man, I must go. I'm all confused and woozy...
Frasier
I understand. But what about me?
Bebe
Very well. Be at my hotel tonight for dinner. Perhaps you'll show me just how serious you are.
Niles
I think I figured it out: Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
Frasier
Perhaps. But here's my theory: Bebe's had a thing for me for years. This, coupled with the fact that control is an aphrodisiac for her, it's not surprising to find that she hopes to parlay her advantage into a sexual conquest.
Niles
But surely you don't intend to let the promise of wealth and exposure lure you into her bed.
Frasier
It's not gonna come to that. It's all about the dance. It's all about the possibility of sex, the promise that's never delivered that keeps them tantalized. One only needs to know how not to cross the line.
Niles
Excuse me, but didn't you sleep with her once?
Frasier
Yes, that's how I know where the line is. I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakable thirst for...
Together
Crane!
Niles
Still, I can't help thinking there's something Faustian about this whole thing.
Frasier
Faust was a moron. I'm gonna be a star!
Frasier
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello. [to counterman] A latte please.
Niles
Hello, Darling.
Daphne
Hello.
Daphne
Did you see who's here?
Niles
Yes.
Daphne
I wonder if you'll still be stirring my coffee like that when we're in our golden years.
Niles
Yes. And I know that a touch from you then will be just as sweet as it is today.
Mildred
So this is where you've been going! And with this tramp from water aerobics!
Old Daphne
Who are you?
Mildred
I'm his wife!
Old Daphne
You're married?!
Old Niles
I can explain!
Mildred
Don't bother, you worm!
Mildred
You promised that was it the last time!
Bebe
Frasier, come in.
Frasier
How did you know it was me?
Bebe
I felt a certain tingle in the knob.
Frasier
Indeed. Well, I see Phil has landed you in the lap of luxury.
Bebe
Yes, it's a lovely suite. Unfortunately, there's some sort of choir championship this weekend and they practice at all hours.
Frasier
Is it Madrigal Madness already? I had no idea it was this close to Whitsun.
Bebe
Please, darling, sit. I'll pour the champagne.
Frasier
I suppose a drop wouldn't hurt. So, you give any thought to taking me on again?
Bebe
Yes I have. And I have to say there's almost nothing I'd enjoy more.
Frasier
Wonderful.
Bebe
But first, let's talk about what I'd enjoy more.
Frasier
You want more than ten percent?
Bebe
I want you. And "yes" to the other thing.
Frasier
Gosh, Bebe. I'm terribly flattered, it's just that, uh...
Bebe
Frasier, a few years ago I let down my guard and succumbed to your advances.
Frasier
You seduced ME!
Bebe
It changed me, Frasier. If I crave your touch again, you've only yourself to blame.
Frasier
I'm not going to say that you're not a beautiful woman, but is it wise for us to jump into a relationship?
Bebe
I'm only talking about having a little fun. After all, when I'm having fun, I'm happy. When I'm happy, I work harder. When I work harder, you become famous and rich and powerful. That's what you want, isn't it? Fame and power?
Frasier
I, I like to think of it more as influence, really, but...
Bebe
I'll bet I can make you bigger than Dr. Phil!
Frasier
Is that running water I hear?
Bebe
Yes, I'm steaming the wrinkles out of a dress. Does it put you in mind of a tropic night? A moonlit stroll, the rhythmic lapping of waves against the shore...
Frasier
You know, if it's silk the steam could damage it.
Bebe
Wait right here.
Frasier
Gosh, I better open a window.
Bebe
Yes, darling, let the night in while I slip into something a little more comfortable.
Frasier
Well, if you want comfortable, how about that sweater ensemble I saw you in this morning.
Frasier
Bebe...
Bebe
Join me, Frasier. I'll make your dreams come true.
Frasier
But... at what cost?
Bebe
What I'm offering you is priceless. Come, Frasier.
Frasier
I CAN'T!
Martin
Roger, you are go for lift-off. God speed, Martin Six.
Supervisor
What the hell's goin' on?
Martin
Oh, geez.
Martin
Just sort of a minor accident here. But don't worry about it, everything's under control.
Martin
So, what time do you want me to pick up your sister?
Bebe
Well, if it isn't the first couple of radio. I knew I'd find you here.
Frasier
[rising] Bebe, shouldn't you be in Los Angeles with Dr Phil?
Bebe
That's up to you, Frasier.
Frasier
I don't understand.
Bebe
Well, after our... meeting last night, I had to ask myself a very difficult question: Am I really that happy with Dr. Phil if I'm entertaining thoughts of returning to you?
Frasier
Are you saying you'll have me back?
Bebe
How could I refuse you? Dr. Phil has been amusing, but I need a project. I need a Frasier Crane!
Frasier
Well, that's wonderful.
Bebe
Incidentally, Dr. Phil paid me fifteen percent.
Frasier
Well, as will Dr. Frasier. I've just got one very difficult call to make to my agent.
Bebe
Already handled. I also took the liberty of calling Spokane, the terms of your deal there were worse than abysmal.
Frasier
Great, great! You got me more money?
Bebe
No, they wouldn't budge, so you quit! You're no longer on in Spokane, isn't it exciting?
Roz
Wait a minute, that is a step backwards!
Bebe
All the better to get a running start. In my opinion, the future is firmly in front of us. Congratulations, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, thank you, Bebe, thank you so much. I'll call you tomorrow.
Frasier
Gosh, Roz, isn't that great news? I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. Oh, it's marvelous!
Roz
She's charging you more money and we just lost Spokane.
Frasier
Big picture! The future is firmly in front of me!
Roz
[rising] Isn't the future always in front of you?
Frasier
Yes, but not firmly!
Bebe
Well, my little lamb has bleated back to me. Frasier has rejoined the flock.
Phil
So my debt is cleared? We don't have to keep pretending you're my agent?
Bebe
We're square, darling. And maybe the next time you gamble with Bebe, you'll pay your debts with cash.
Phil
See, the problem is my wife looks at the bank statements and if she knew I was losing money playing cards, she would kill me.
Bebe
So, your wife doesn't know you play poker.
Phil
I don't tell her everything.
Bebe
I see. And how's that workin' for you?
Phil
Just deal the cards.