Fathers and Sons

Frasier

What is this? St. Osric's Pre-Kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitter-patter of petite elite feet?

Niles

No, no, no. It's just that the wait list for St. Osric's is up to four years. So I thought we should get our application in now to be safe.

Frasier

Very wise, Niles. You know, Lilith and I waited until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled him in private school.

Niles

Mr. Procrastinator.

Daphne

It's pre-kindergarten. They run around, they sing, they nap. I mean, how special can St. Osric's really be?

Niles

Well, I hear the top two percent in coloring and putting away can pretty much write their own ticket.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, guess who's coming to visit? Leland Barton.

Niles

Really. From the Empire Club?

Frasier

No, that's Barton Leland. Leland Barton was Mom's research assistant. They worked together closely for years.

Niles

I don't remember him.

Frasier

Oh, that's right. We were just boys when he moved to France. Apparently he gave up psychiatry and immersed himself in the Paris art world. Today he sits on the board of the Paris Museum of Modern Art.

Niles

Wow. It takes a brave man to just chuck it all. Cross the ocean in pursuit of a new life in a new country.

Daphne

[getting up] Or a brave woman.

Niles

Oh, yes, that's absolutely right. That's exactly what you did.

Frasier

Just like Dr. Barton you bade farewell to the comforts of hearth and home and filled your sails with the winds of change and adventure.

Daphne

I never looked at it that way. Now I'll have something to think about this afternoon when I'm rubbin' your dad's bum.

Frasier

Hello, Roz.

Roz

Hi.

Martin

Hey, Roz, how was the dog park?

Roz

Well, I got a phone number.

Martin

Oh, nice.

Frasier

Is that why you people have pets? To get dates?

Roz

No, but it's a plus. I've never met one person who didn't get at least one date through their pet.

Frasier

Well, meet me! Four years of high school and not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish.

Frasier

Oh, that'll be Leland.

Roz

Who's Leland?

Martin

He was Hester's research assistant. Used to follow her around like a puppy. I think he was always a little bit jealous of me, to be honest. Not that he was alone.

Frasier

Dr. Barton.

Leland

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Good to see you.

Frasier

Let me take that for you.

Leland

Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello. My God, look at you. I haven't seen you since you were about, what, seven years old. And you still look good in a suit. Martin, you have not changed a whit.

Martin

Oh, my hair's gray and I've got a bullet in my hip.

Leland

Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't want to hear about it.

Martin

Well, you look exactly the same, too.

Leland

And you must be... I'm assuming you don't go by "Niles" anymore.

Frasier

No, this is my producer Roz Doyle. My brother's not here.

Leland

Ah. My sincerest apologies. You are a handsome woman.

Roz

And it's nice to meet you, too. I guess I should be going.

Leland

Oh, not on my account, I hope.

Frasier

Please, Roz, stay if you like. Can I get anybody a drink?

Leland

Well, not unless you happen to have any sherry.

Frasier

Oh, I think I can scare up a glass. Roz?

Roz

Oh, I'll have a beer, please.

Martin

Well, I can handle that.

Roz

Come, sit down.

Leland

Thank you.

Roz

So, I hear you worked with Frasier's mom.

Leland

Yes, I did. Did you know her?

Roz

No.

Leland

Pity. She was a remarkable woman. Brilliant, playful, passionate. I adored her.

Frasier

Here we are. Welcome back to Seattle.

Leland

Thank you.

Frasier

There we are.

Leland

This sherry is exquisite.

Frasier

Oh, thank you. It's an Andalusian Amontillado I'm rather fond of.

Leland

A connoisseur. I'm very surprised. Most Americans think that sherry is just for cooking.

Frasier

Oh, my brother and I have always had a taste for it.

Martin

Well, you didn't get any of that from me. I always hated the stuff. You know, come to think of it, so did your mom.

Leland

Can I help you?

Frasier

I'm sorry about that.

Martin

Eddie, down.

Leland

Why is he doing that?

Frasier

I don't really know. He used to do that to me. But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring contest with him, that's what he wants.

Martin

Come on, Eddie, get down. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into him. I'll get him a treat.

Leland

Frasier, this is remarkable. You and I seem to have the same taste in art. Rauschenberg, Otterson, African statuary and sculpture. Although, I must confess, I'm not familiar with that one.

Frasier

Oh, that's because while most Ashanti statues are intended to ward off evil spirits, this one was designed to distract me while my pockets were picked at the Kinshasa Airport.

Roz

You two have a lot in common. Psychiatry and sherry and art...

Leland

And furniture. That is a Coco Chanel sofa unless I'm mistaken.

Frasier

It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris atelier. You know, not many people even notice it.

Leland

Well, not many people have passed out drunk on the original.

Frasier

Oh, I would love to hear that story.

Leland

Well you are in luck, because I love to tell it. But first, let me thank you for making me feel so welcome. I must confess, I had some reservations about returning to Seattle, but you've dispelled them all. To you.

Frasier

Please.

Martin

What's the matter?

Roz

Nothing.

Niles

Okay, we just need to fill in a name and I can get the application over to St. Osric's.

Daphne

How can we have a name? I'm not even pregnant yet.

Niles

Well, it's not THE name, it's just a place holder. Anything will do.

Daphne

All right, how about, uh... Simon?

Niles

As in your brother with the substance abuse problem, Simon?

Daphne

There are other Simons, you know. Simon Templar, Simon Legree... Simon Chipmunk.

Niles

Not exactly building a case for "Simon". How about Jill?

Daphne

No, don't like it. That's the name of that weather tart on channel eight.

Niles

All right, let's just pick a name at random. Like out of the phone book.

Daphne

That's a good idea. Leave it to fate.

Niles

Okay. When I stop, you point.

Niles

"Bob." Great. "Bob Crane." Okay, we're going to need some Wite-Out.

Leland

Oh, listen to me. I've been talking your ears off for the last hour about psychiatry.

Martin

Yeah, really.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, do you mind if we join you?

Roz

Oh, yeah, not at all.

Niles

Leland, it is such a pleasure to talk shop with a fellow nutcracker.

Leland

And talking to you Jung people makes me feel like an "id" again.

Niles

Do you have a pun, Frasier?

Frasier

No, let's just sit down.

Martin

What's wrong?

Roz

Nothing.

Frasier

Oh, you know, there is a wonderful Brassai exhibit in town. What do you say we stop over there after lunch?

Leland

I would love that. I'm a big fan.

Niles

Oh, I wish I could join you, I have patients all afternoon. I don't suppose you'd be willing to go now, would you?

Leland

Oh, fine by me.

Frasier

Oh, certainly, let's go get our coffee at the museum.

Frasier

Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in some Parisian photos taken by an old Romanian master?

Martin

Hmm... no.

Roz

Thanks, anyway.

Waitress

Oh, excuse me, your father forgot his umbrella.

Frasier

Oh, thank you very much. Here you go, "Dad."

Martin

Well, I don't blame her for that. Leland's more like 'em than I am.

Roz

Really? You really think so?

Martin

Oh, come on. How can you not see it? They're like three fancy peas in a pod.

Roz

Well, I did notice that they have the same taste in art and music, and they even have some of the same mannerisms.

Martin

Yeah. And Leland and Niles are both allergic to rose hips and Jerusalem artichokes. Weird, huh?

Roz

When Leland started talking to me last night about how close he and Hester were, I started thinkin' what you're thinkin'.

Martin

And what am I thinking?

Roz

Nothing.

Martin

What are you saying? You think he's their father?

Roz

No, I wasn't saying that!

Martin

Lot's of people like art and sherry and French stuff. It doesn't mean they're related. By your logic, everyone on the cooking channel is their father.

Roz

Okay.

Martin

Okay!

Martin

Ugh. What the hell is this?

Roz

I don't know, it was there when I sat down.

Martin

Ugh!

Niles

Leland, your autobiography is wonderful.

Leland

Thank you. Let us hope that the publishing houses feel similarly.

Niles

Ah. Have you shown it to Frasier?

Leland

No I haven't. How's he feeling by the way?

Niles

Let's go see. Bring the manuscript, he'd love to see it.

Niles

Hello. Oh, hello, Darling. [to Leland] Go ahead, I'll be right there.

Niles

Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor. Fletcher. Cooper. Tanner? Where are you getting these, the Big Book of Medieval Professions?

Leland

Frasier, how are you doing?

Frasier

Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning. I'm not going to be able to make dinner.

Leland

Oh, I understand. Well, I'll leave you to rest. Perhaps, though, later if you're feeling better I can get your opinion on a short section of my autobiography.

Frasier

Well, when I can't give an opinion you may as well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead.

Niles

No. That's a kind of car.

Martin

Hey, Niles.

Niles

Hi.

Martin

What's going on?

Niles

Oh, we were going to go out to dinner with Leland, but Frasier's not feeling well.

Martin

Oh. Well, maybe I'll go check on him.

Niles

[into phone] Now it just sounds like you're reading from the spice rack.

Leland

"I realized the sherpa had become my guide in more ways than one."

Frasier

Oh, that was wonderful. Read me another.

Leland

No, no, go to sleep now.

Frasier

Oh, Dad.

Martin

Hey, Fraizh. I just was wonderin' how you were doin'.

Frasier

Oh, well, not so good, actually. I'm afraid I'm going to have to skip dinner. Why don't you go in my place?

Martin

Sure, if you want me to.

Frasier

All right. You know, the two of you should get going, really. You'll miss the reservation.

Martin

Right. Get well, son.

Leland

We'll be wishing you a speedy recovery.

Frasier

Oh, thank you.

Martin

Oh, Fraizh, you want me to bring you back something from the restaurant? Maybe some Jell-o to sooth your tummy?

Frasier

Thank you, Dad, it's all taken care of. Leland's going to bring me some consomme and sorbet.

Martin

Oh, okay.

Leland

Well, Niles, it looks like your dad is going to take Frasier's place at dinner.

Niles

Oh, excellent.

Leland

What's the matter?

Niles

My leg's asleep.

Leland

Oh, move your foot around.

Niles

No, it's the whole leg. I'll just wait it out.

Leland

But the movement will get the blood flowing. Go ahead, give it a try.

Niles

No, I can't put weight on it.

Leland

Sure you can. Give it a try. Come on, one step at a time. That a boy.

Leland

Keep going, there we are.

Roz

You really think your wife would have ever cheated on you?

Martin

She did. She said it happened once.

Roz

Oh, my God. With Leland?

Martin

No, someone else.

Roz

You know, I think that you're driving yourself crazy for nothing here. Of COURSE Frasier and Niles are your sons. You're exactly like them.

Martin

Like? How?

Roz

Your strong sense of ethics.

Martin

Yeah, we are ethical. What else?

Roz

The way they spin out of control.

Martin

Yeah, that's true. They get that from me.

Roz

Their stubbornness.

Martin

I'm not stubborn.

Roz

Their defensiveness.

Martin

What's that supposed to mean?

Roz

The way they completely dismiss anyone who doesn't share their opinion.

Martin

Oh, now you're just being dumb.

Roz

Hey, what is the worst case scenario? If you found out you weren't their father, would you love them any less?

Martin

No, no. Well, yeah, a little maybe, at first. But no, I... I'd feel the same about them as I hope they would about me.

Roz

Which they would. And you know that.

Martin

Yeah. I mean, you'd still love Alice if you found out you'd gotten the wrong baby at the hospital.

Roz

Sure.

Martin

And as a cop, I've seen that happen more often than you'd think. Especially at Seattle General.

Roz

I had Alice at Seattle General.

Martin

Oh, sorry. But the point was, that you'd love her just the same, so who cares who her real mother is.

Roz

I'M her real mother!

Martin

Okay, geez.

Niles

How about "Desmond"?

Daphne

Desmond Crane. "Desmond Crane you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about "Jack"?

Niles

'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name. So you either run them together "JacKrane", or you face the dreaded glottal stop "JacK Crane", "JacK Crane". It's unpleasant for the throat.

Daphne

This conversation's unpleasant for the throat.

Niles

Well, I know, I know. Okay... OH! Why don't we use the name of that nice nurse from when I was in the hospital?

Daphne

"Fong" or "DeShandra"?

Niles

"Fong."

Niles

Well, wait. Let's not drive ourselves crazy about this. It's a temporary name for a hypothetical child.

Daphne

Yes, but once you give something a name, it makes it more real. And then that name will always have a sort of priority. I don't care how often you say "elevator" or "apartment" or "crossing guard," to me they'll always be "lifts" and "flats" and "lollipop men."

Niles

Well then, tell you what. You pick a name and I'll accept it unconditionally.

Daphne

"Milton".

Niles

"Milton." Great poet and a great name.

Daphne

Great. Can we go to bed now?

Niles

Yes....

Niles

Hey, didn't you have a soccer hooligan boyfriend named Milton?

Daphne

Yeah. That's where I got it.

Frasier

I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.

Niles

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations both the simple and quadratical.

Leland

About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

Together

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!

Martin

With awful facts about the scary hippopotamus!

Leland

What a wonderfully musical family you are.

Martin

We sure are. Me and my boys. My boys and me. We're wonderful and we're musical.

Leland

Martin, I can't tell you what a wonderful job you've done with them.

Martin

Oh, it wasn't a job, it was a biological pleasure! And don't forget I had Hester.

Frasier

Oh, excuse me.

Leland

Well, you were lucky. She was a splendid woman and a remarkable research partner.

Martin

And an even better life partner.

Leland

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

Martin

[muttering] Damn straight you wouldn't.

Frasier

Leland, your cab is waiting.

Leland

Oh, so soon. Well, I can't thank you enough for all your courtesies. If you are ever in Paris you must allow me to repay your many kindnesses. I'm so proud of the way you boys have turned out.

Martin

Leland, let me walk you out.

Leland

Thank you.

Niles

Bon voyage.

Martin

Leland, there's a question I need to ask you.

Leland

Yes, of course. Anything.

Martin

I'm a little uncomfortable even bringing it up, but I don't think I could let you leave the country without knowing the answer. I know that you and my wife spent a lot of time together. That you were close...

Leland

I... loved her very much.

Martin

Then I guess my question is: How much?

Leland

Enough to trust her with the fact that I'm gay.

Leland

You know, forty years ago people weren't as accepting as they are nowadays. And without someone like her to confide in... she quite probably saved my life.

Martin

Leland, she loved you too.

Leland

She really was something, wasn't she?

Martin

She really was.

Leland

Bye, Martin.

Martin

Take care, Leland.

Martin

My boys.

His Boys

On a tree by a river, a littlie tom-tit Sang "Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow". And I said to him "Dicky-bird, why do you sit? Singing 'Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow'?" "Is it a weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried "Or a rather tough worm on your little inside?"

Roz

Oh, my God, are you still stuck picking a name for that application?

Daphne

Yeah, we can't come up with one.

Roz

Oh God, give it to me. And then I'll fill it in and you'll never have to see it and you won't feel stuck with it.

Daphne

That's a great idea.

Director

Howard Clifton is officially accepted. Who do we have next?

Committeeman

Last name "Crane", first name... "Ichabod".

Director

Well, if they're not going to take the application seriously, how can we expect them to take St. Osric's seriously?