Analyzed Kiss
Aired 13th May 2003 · Written by Saladin K. Patterson & Heide Perlman · Directed by Katy Garretson
Frasier
Well, I think we've got time for one last caller. Roz, who have we got?
Roz
Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm...
Frasier
Well, I suppose I'll be fielding this last one myself. Let's try line two. [pushes button] Go ahead, caller, your name and problem, please.
Ernie
[v.o.] Yes sir, my name's Ernie, and I'm real angry at my dog.
Frasier
Okay, Ernie. Uh, very often when people have feelings towards their pets it often reflect feelings they have about themselves and their place in society. So tell me, why are you angry at your dog?
Ernie
[v.o.] Well, he keeps telling me to take off my foil helmet.
Frasier
Would you hold on, Ernie? Um, someone will come on the line with the number of an expert in this sort of situation. Let's try, uh, line four. [presses button]
Roz
[v.o.] Oh yes, of course I'm interested! I'll fax my resume right over!
Frasier
Well, the news is up next, followed by the market update with Julia Wilcox. That's it for me today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying, good day and good mental health.
Kenny
Another great show, doc.
Frasier
Did you even listen?
Kenny
You don't have to eat every Big Mac to know it's a delicious hamburger sandwich.
Frasier
Roz, what's going on?
Roz
I'm sorry, but they want to interview me for the program director job at KPXY.
Frasier
Well... that's great, but I didn't even know you were looking.
Roz
I wasn't! They just called me, out of the blue! I-I'm actually shocked, because I have very limited experience in management. But, well, Kenny's in management, how hard can it be?
Kenny
Hey, it's not that easy. I know it looks like a monkey can do my job, but it can't. True story.
Frasier
Well, gosh, Roz, I, I must say I've got some mixed feelings about this. I mean, I couldn't be happier that you're finally getting the recognition you deserve, but I'm gonna miss you.
Roz
Oh, let's wait �til there's a real offer before we break out the Kleenex and champagne.
Julia
Well, Roz, Kenny told me about your job interview. Good luck.
Roz
Oh, I get it. It'll be good luck because if I get the job, I'll be gone.
Julia
No, it sounds like a good position for you.
Roz
Right, cause I get into a lot of sexual positions with a lot of guys.
Julia
I'm saying congratulations.
Roz
Oh. Thank you.
Roz
[sotto voce to Frasier] What's her problem?
Frasier
Oh, I...
Frasier
Well, you're being uncharacteristically decent today. You all right?
Julia
I'm fine. [then] All right, I might as well tell you before he does. Avery and I broke up.
Frasier
Oh. Gosh, uh, what happened?
Julia
I got tired of listening to him promise he'd leave his wife.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry. I realize you must be going through...
Julia
Oh, I don't need your sympathy. I'm not one of your pathetic code three whackadoos.
Frasier
I was just trying to help. No need to insult my callers.
Roz
Foil Helmet Guy says his dog needs to speak to you.
Frasier
Oh, excuse me...
Frasier
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello.
Frasier
Gosh, I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?
Daphne
It's Mum's day off. Apparently there was a mass e-mail.
Frasier
So, is Niles going to be joining us?
Daphne
No, he's taking your father to the shooting range.
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes, of course, I'd forgotten. He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of Niles's... caliber. [chuckles] I'm in rare form today.
Daphne
You should see this place when they know you're not coming.
Julia
No, Avery... two-thirds of the work on that program is mine! Well, I don't have to prove it, it's a fact! Oh — oh, yeah?
Julia
Well, I should have expected as much from a man who wears leopard print bikini briefs! [holds up phone, to the whole café] Avery McManus wears shiny, acetate, man-panties!
Frasier
[to Daphne] Excuse me.
Frasier
Is everything okay?
Julia
No. Now that I've dumped your bastard accountant, he's trying to cut me out of our software program.
Frasier
Software program?
Julia
We — mostly me — developed a proprietary method for analyzing price/volume momentum — I call it vector scaling — that can quantify the likelihood of longer-term trends. Do you realize what that means?
Frasier
[at a loss] It's good.
Julia
That program is my baby, I have been working on it for months. I think your bastard accountant has been using me all along. Thanks for setting us up!
Frasier
I did no such thing!
Julia
You know what I ought to do? I ought to go down to his office, demand my files, and then trash the place!
Frasier
Just a second, just a second, just sit down. Sit down, please. [she does] Take a moment to calm down before you make any rash decisions.
Julia
In a few hours, I'm leaving town for a week. There's no way I'm leaving your bastard accountant in control of those files.
Frasier
All right, well, if you insist, then perhaps I should go with you. Maybe I can help facilitate things.
Julia
Why? What's in it for you?
Frasier
Nothing! Surely you can conceive of the possibility that someone might want to just do something nice for you?
Julia
You and Avery are in this together, aren't you?
Frasier
Of course not! You're not being rational, you know. Perhaps Avery is just holding your program hostage because he feels hurt. Perhaps this is his clumsy way of trying to initiate a dialogue.
Julia
You really do try to see the best in everyone, don't you?
Frasier
Yes, I do.
Julia
So, what do you see when you look at me?
Frasier
Well... I see a woman who's been hurt, not once but many times. A woman who finds it so difficult to trust someone, she won't allow herself to be vulnerable. A woman... [Julia gets up and walks out] whose eyes are going to get stuck if she keeps rolling them like that!
Martin
Ah, look at that grouping!
Niles
Hey, uh, Dad, you about ready to go?
Martin
I guess I've still got the touch. Hey, Niles, you ought to give it a try.
Niles
Thanks, Dad, you know how I feel about handguns. They breed violence.
Martin
Oh, come on, this is just simple target shooting, that's all.
Martin
Ha-ha, yeah! Here's one dirtbag isn't going to be selling crack at any schoolyards anytime soon.
Red
You should listen to the man. Shooting's a great sport. [shaking hands] Red Brewer. And these clowns here are Mitch and Wayne.
Niles
I'm Niles Crane, and this is my father, Martin Crane.
Martin
[shaking hands] Oh, hi, how you doing, guys?
Red
Listen Niles, let me show you how to do this. I think you'll enjoy it. It's pretty simple.
Red
You just take a solid stance, hold the grip firmly, steady your gun hand with your other, fingers to fingers, thumbs to thumb, focus on the front sight, and squeeze the trigger.
Red
Okay, you try.
Niles
Oh, you know, no offense, but I, uh, I just, I'm not real comfortable with guns.
Red
You know, Mitch used to be that way, too.
Mitch
Yeah, the only weapon I'd go near was a bow and arrow.
Niles
[interested] I, uh, I got an archery badge at day camp.
Red
This is like archery, but safer. The weapon's more stable, and you're in a controlled environment.
Martin
Go on, give it a try, son.
Niles
Well, I, uh, just — I'll do one little one.
Red
Just remember: stance, grip, aim, relax, shoot.
Niles
Okay. [mimics Red] Stance, grip, aim, relax... [tilts his head to the left] shoot.
Niles
Did I do it?
Red
You not only did it, you hit the target. [points] See? Sixth ring out. Look at the kid, he hit the target his first time.
Mitch
Not bad, kid.
Wayne
Way to go, kid.
Martin
That's my kid!
Niles
That was a unique experience. I'm sure I'll dine out on that story for months.
Red
Don't quit now, go again. But remember, this time, squeeze the trigger, don't pull.
Niles
Okay.
Niles
Squeeze...
Red
Wow, you're pretty good at this! The kid's a natural, am I right?
Niles
Can I go again?
Red
Yeah.
Julia
What took you so long?
Frasier
I was looking for street parking. Do you have any idea how much this garage charges?
Julia
Avery's not here.
Frasier
Oh, great, it cost me three-fifty to find that out.
Julia
No, it's good. It'll make it easier for me to get my program back.
Frasier
What do you mean?
Julia
I know his keypad code. [starts to enter it]
Frasier
Wh-wh-what? That is breaking and entering!
Julia
Oh, if you're so scared, why don't you just leave?
Frasier
Well, I'm-I'm not scared! I...
Frasier
I'll have you know I've had my fair share of escapades. Back in med school I once dressed a cadaver in cap and gown and...
Julia
[finds a disk] Oh, here's my program! Okay, good. [logs on the computer] Now, just in case he backed it up, I am going to delete everything from his hard drive.
Frasier
Julia, I-I-I beg you to rethink this. I realize you're angry at Avery-
Julia
I'm not feeling anger. Just the peace that comes with knowing that Avery will be royally screwed — by me.
Frasier
There's somebody at the door!
Julia
It's the cleaning woman. I thought so, I've hidden from her before.
Frasier
Julia, there's still time to end this.
Julia
Shh!
Frasier
Look, you know that what you're doing is wrong. You should just get out now before more harm is done.
Julia
Will you shut up? It's pointless to hide in a closet if the people outside can hear you!
Frasier
You're going to get caught.
Julia
Because you won't shut up!
Frasier
It's never too late to do the right thing. No matter how low someone else sinks, joining them there does not make things better.
Frasier
What was that?
Julia
What?
Frasier
You kissed me.
Julia
I was trying to shut you up.
Frasier
Oh, no. I've been kissed to shut me up before. This was not that.
Julia
Got it. All files deleted. [pause] You know, that didn't make me feel as good as I thought.
Frasier
That's because you know you did the wrong thing.
Julia
[happy] Ah, that's better.
Roz
Well, it doesn't look like I'll be leaving KACL anytime soon. [crosses to the counter] Coffee to go, please?
Frasier
Well... dear lord, what-what happened, Roz?
Roz
[sits with him] Turns out the person who's interviewing me is a guy I've slept with.
Frasier
What are the odds?
Roz
[gives him a look, then] It was ten years ago, at a convention in Cancun. We were all hammered.
Frasier
Oh, I'm surprised you even remember him.
Roz
Well, it's hard to forget when you wake up with a nametag on your pillow that says, "Hola! My name is Woody Wiswell."
Frasier
So what's the problem?
Roz
There's just something weird about it. I don't know, maybe I'm just freaking myself out because I'm not sure I'm ready for this job.
Frasier
Well, of course you are, Roz. I mean, come on, don't doubt yourself. Listen, they're the ones that called you, right?
Roz
Yeah.
Frasier
You go down there and you get that job. You're going to make a great program director.
Roz
You really think I will?
Frasier
Of course I do. Even though... I wish you could stay with me forever. I'm going to miss you so much, Roz.
Roz
[excited] Oh, stop it! I don't even have the job yet, you're gonna jinx it! [a waiter brings her coffee] Thank you. [to Frasier] Listen, I'd better go and get my presentation together so I can impress Woody Wiswell.
Frasier
Seems to me you've impressed him already.
Frasier
Julia—
Julia
[quickly] Hello. [crosses to the counter] Can I have a latte to go, please?
Frasier
Listen, Julia, Julia, I've been dying to talk to you all week long about what happened in Avery's office. Obviously something is going on, and I have several hypotheses. [Julia gets her coffee and starts adding sugar] It could be displaced passion, frustration from a failed relationship, or an adrenaline-induced action as a result of stress we were both suffering from...
Julia
[finishes] Oh, Frasier, for once in your life, would you please shut up?
Julia
Hello.
Martin/Niles
Oh, hi./Hello.
Frasier
Hi, guys.
Niles
Hey, Frasier.
Martin
Hey, Fras, you look a little down. Everything okay? [to a waiter] Uh, two coffees, please.
Frasier
Dad, if you had any perspicacity whatsoever, you would know that this expression is merely ruminative perplexity.
Martin
My bad.
Frasier
It's nothing serious. I'll work it out.
Niles
You know where I like to work things out? The shooting range.
Frasier
Good Lord, Niles, are you still going down there? I thought you hated guns.
Niles
Oh, believe me, I never expected I'd like it as much as I do. But when you're in that booth, focused on-on precision, and accuracy, it's not dissimilar to a kind of meditation. [Frasier looks intrigued] Wouldn't you agree, Dad?
Martin
[shrugs] I just like to shoot stuff, son.
Niles
Fair enough. [to Frasier] You should join us. There's a great bunch of guys I shoot with. I think you'd like them.
Frasier
Well, I'm not sure I'd fit in with a bunch of trigger-happy gun nuts.
Niles
Now, don't stereotype them. These are decent family men who enjoy marksmanship. It's a good group we've got. Dad and I are going down this afternoon.
Martin
No, I don't think I'm going to come today, Niles.
Niles
Well... it's Mitch's birthday.
Martin
Well, I usually go shooting twice a year or so, and after this week I've had my fill. [the waiter brings their coffees] Thank you.
Niles
Well, I'm still going. My shooting's getting better and better. Oh, plus the gun show's in town and the guys are bringing me passes.
Frasier
A gun show? What's next, square dancing?
Niles
Maybe. [raises his cup] This country was built by gun-totin' square dancers.
Roz
So, I really appreciate you bringing me in for this interview. I've been listening to your station for a while, and I've prepared a little presentation that I think will show you what I can bring to the KPXY family.
Woody
Oh, that's not necessary. I mean, this is just a formality. Trust me, I know what you can do.
Roz
[wary] Really?
Woody
Yeah. I, uh, I already told the guys about you.
Roz
What exactly did you tell them?
Woody
Oh, you know — how incredible you are.
Roz
Okay, look, I-I think there's something that needs to be said here. Why don't we just get it all out in the open? Yes, we slept together in Cancun, but I don't want that to affect the job. I mean, it was ten years ago, I...
Woody
What are you talking about? Look, I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
Roz
And I think I would remember a name like Woody Wiswell. I mean, seriously, whose named Woody Wiswell?
Woody
Yeah, well, just me and my dad.
Daphne
Darling, I just don't think you need an ankle holster when you don't even own a gun.
Niles
Well, first of all, who says it's for me, Miss I-Never-Surprise- You-Anymore? And second of all, I'm thinking I might own a gun soon.
Daphne
[firmly] No, you won't.
Niles
No, no, no, don't worry. I, I would keep the gun in a locker at the shooting range. I would never have a gun in the same house as your mother.
Martin
Now they're saying Daisy Duke might not get here.
Red
Hey, how's it going, kid?
Niles
Hey, you guys, how are you? Oh, listen, I want you to meet my wife, Daphne. Daphne, this is Red, and Wayne, and Mitch. These are the guys I was telling you about.
Daphne
Nice to meet you. [they ad-lib hellos]
Red
Listen, kid, we've been talking it over, and since we get along so well at the club, we'd like to invite you down to our compound in Idaho for a weekend.
Niles
[thrilled] A compound? [to Martin and Daphne] It's just like the Kennedys! [to the guys] That sounds smashing.
Red
Hey, that's the spirit.
Mitch
See, I told you. Hey, look, you're good at math, right? [Niles shrugs] Come help me guess how many shells are in that jar so I can win the ATV?
Niles
Oh, excuse me. [as he follows Mitch] What kind of TV?
Red
[to Daphne] Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Martin
Oh, uh, Red, hold on a second. Uh, just what kind of place do you guys have in Idaho?
Red
Run-of-the-mill compound in the wilderness — free country where we live by the true Constitution.
Daphne
They're those militia people! You fix this, now.
Niles
This is fun, huh?
Martin
Uh, son...
Daphne
What your father means is, you shouldn't be friends with these people.
Martin
Yeah, these are not your kind of guys.
Niles
Why not?
Martin
Well, let's just go and we'll talk about it in the car.
Niles
Oh, I can't believe you two. You're always telling me my friends are too artsy and too snooty. Now I finally have friends who are regular guys, and you don't like them either? Well, I'm having a good time, and I'm enjoying being a regular guy myself.
Martin
Niles, we think they want to overthrow the government!
Niles
That's what you say about public television. Now, if you'll excuse me?
Niles
Hey, guys, whatcha doing?
Red
We're chipping in for this gas-powered generator. We're going to need it when it comes time for the New World Order.
Niles
Well, that sounds great, excuse me just a second.
Niles
Okay, they're militia.
Martin
Yeah.
Niles
Go, go, go, go, go....
Frasier
I just don't understand how this sort of thing can happen. Don't you look at faces?
Roz
It was a long time ago, it was dark. And get off my case because it doesn't matter anyway - I got the job!
Frasier
Oh, congratulations, Roz. I'm so proud of you. Now can I tell you how much I'm going to miss you?
Roz
Yes.
Roz
It is going to be sad to leave the station. But it's not like I'm leaving town, Frasier.
Frasier
I know, I know.
Roz
I'll see you.
Frasier
See you, Roz.
Roz
Bye.
Frasier
Julia! Julia! Julia!
Frasier
All right. [crosses into his booth] Listen, you can try to avoid me all you like. We are going to talk this thing out.
Julia
Fine, fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Julia
I was looking at you in the closet, and thinking how you always try to do the right thing, and I felt a rush of affection for you. Call me cynical, but I've come to accept that most people live by the rule of screw or be screwed. But to see you, and how much you care, and really mean it, I... well, it's endearing. [holds up a finger] Irritating, but endearing.
Frasier
Well, you know, I... I am flattered, but there are a lot of genuine people out there. It's just that for whatever reason — fear, anger, hurt - they're afraid to show it...
Julia
[frustrated] Oh, it's just like the feeling you get when you see a cute teddy bear in the store and you want to hug it until its head pops off!
Frasier
Could I possibly irritate you over dinner some night?
Julia
[hesitant, but] Well, if anybody could, it'd be you.
Frasier
Take your time, work things out. I'm not going anywhere. I realize that you're in a vulnerable place right now, and that...
Frasier
Oh, I recognize that one. That was to shut me up.
Julia
Yeah. [starts to leave, then] Maybe Thursday.