A New Position For Roz
Aired May 20, 2003 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
The sun rises over the city.
Frasier
Kenny, this is not amateur hour. My show is already suffering enough just losing Roz. I will not let you replace her with a complete novice.
Kenny
Come on, don't you remember when you were a young whippersnapper with nothing but a pantload of talent and a headful of dreams?
Frasier
[pauses] Are we still talking about Noel?
Noel
Five seconds to launch, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Yeah. [He puts on his headphones.] Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Before we get to our first call, I'd like to remind you that we are losing our beloved producer, Roz Doyle in a couple of weeks to another career opportunity.
Roz
[jumping in, to the microphone in front of Noel] That's KPXY, the Mighty Pixy, Seattle's more exciting talk, Whoo-hoo!
Frasier
[glares at Roz] In the meantime, we have with us today Noel Shempsky, a KACL employee whose sole qualification for this job seems to be that he has never taken a sick day.
Noel
Good afternoon, listeners, near and stars away. Our first query comes from a Class M planet we call Earth, and appears to be personal in nature. [Frasier is putting his head in his palms and drumming his fingers.] Oh, and his name is Glen.
Frasier
[drumming the console with his knuckles] Go ahead, Glen, I'm listening.
Roz
[to Noel] Okay, Noel, that was good, but you need to tell Frasier the name of the caller, the town they're calling form, and why they're calling.
Noel
Okay. [rising] You know, maybe I would learn more if you sat down behind me and guided my hands, like they did in Ghost.
Roz
Ooh! Noel!! [She recoils in disgust.]
Noel
Oh, hi Julia!
Roz
Do you mind? I'm trying to show Noel what I do.
Julia
[wryly] Is that why he's on his knees?
Roz
Get up. Now let me give you some pointers on call screening. Your first priority are your leapers and jumpers. Next up, angry people, they're great energy and a welcome change from our largest group, the sad sacks. The trick of it is, you want to arrange these calls so that each segment is "can't miss" radio.
Noel
I thought it was just about Frasier doing good work.
Roz
Please, it's all about ratings! If the station had its way, every call would end in an auto-erotic suicide.
Frasier
Thank you, Roz, now that Seattle knows how we do things around here, perhaps you could let Noel know to keep his elbow off the mic button.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, do you realize this is the last time we'll do paperwork together?
Roz
[flatly] Yeah, it's really sad.
Martin
What exactly is the new job, Roz?
Roz
Program director.
Martin
Ooh, now that's a job. Let me give you a piece of advice. Less smut and more older-people shows.
Roz
Yeah, I know, Martin, but that's not exactly what they're going for.
Martin
You could have a show about owning dogs, or how about this: A show where people just call in with jokes they've heard. That'd be a riot.
Frasier
I think they're looking for a wider audience than just you, Dad.
Martin
Lots of people would be interested in that sort of thing.
Roz
Yeah, but the advertisers are looking for the young dollars.
Martin
What's wrong with my money?
Roz
You don't spend it all on fast food and beer.
Martin
Yes, I do! [rising] You know, I'm tired of society blowing me off just because I'm a senior citizen. You know, one day we're going to rise and take this country back from you young smart alecks. And it won't be pretty either. [He begins to exit.]
Roz
I could mention the joke idea to my boss.
Martin
You just bought yourself a little more time. [He exits.]
Frasier
Well, here it is, Roz, the final parking requisition form. The end of an era. Listen, I know that Kenny is giving you a going- away dinner, but I wanted to have a little celebratory dinner, just the two of us, all right? Any night you're free.
Roz
Well, Niles and Daphne are watching Alice. How about tonight?
Frasier
[rising] Well, actually I'm-I'm meeting Julia later.
Roz
[rising] Why would you want to do that?
Frasier
[walking behind the couch] Well, we've sort of been seeing each other lately.
Roz
[truly shocked] You and Julia?! She's a total bitch.
Frasier
Now, Roz, if you took the time to get to know her, you'd see that she's really not such a bad person.
Roz
Like get to know her naked, you mean.
Frasier
[with irritation] No. I think she's been misjudged. Sure, she's got a lot of walls up, but there must be something good inside if it needs that much protection.
Roz
Well, there are walls around prisons, too. [She gets ready to leave.]
Frasier
Yes, Roz, your opinion has been noted.
Roz
[as she exits with her briefcase] There are walls around insane asylums, cholera wards...
Frasier
[holding the door] Thank you, Roz.
Roz
...nuclear facilities, gator farms.
Frasier
All right, shut up.
Alice
Got you!
Niles
[playing] Ooh!
Alice
Now you chase me!
Niles
[winded] Oh, no, I think it's Daphne's turn.
Daphne
Oh, no, I just had four turns in a row. But you know who does want a turn? The TV! [She grabs Alice and seats her in front of the entertainment center.] Come on, your video's all cued up. [She sighs with relief and returns to her chair.]
Niles
Should we really be plopping her in front of the tube?
Daphne
It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more Jung for Jungsters?
Niles
She doesn't seem to respond to it. Perhaps that's a treat we'll save for our own child. When will that be? When are we going to have a child of our own?
Daphne
Oh, I don't know, when we're ready.
Niles
Yes, we always say that, but how will we know when we're ready? I mean, if it were just me, I'm ready right now.
Daphne
I just don't feel like we're quite there yet.
Niles
Well, what has to change?
Gertrude
What's this little brat doing here? Make sure it don't make any noise. [She exits upstairs.]
Daphne
Maybe it's me biorhythms.
Niles
[laughing] Daphne, might this have something to do with your mother living with us?
Daphne
Well, I've always thought in the back of my head that we'd start a family after she left.
Niles
But that doesn't have to stop us from getting pregnant. And once we are, we've got nine months to get her out of the house.
Daphne
Are you kidding? If she found out there's a grandchild on the way, she'd never leave. And I don't think I could take Mum and morning sickness at the same time.
Niles
[lovingly] Oh the other hand, a grandmother can be a wonderful influence on a child.
Gertrude
Alice...you help Auntie Gert find her cigarettes, and you can have one.
Kenny
[standing and tapping a glass with a spoon] I think now would be a good time if anyone wants to stand up and say a few words to Roz. I know I'll miss her, which is why I'm proud to present her with this picture of the two of us at the last company picnic. [He hands her a 4X6 snapshot.] Won't that baby look nice in a frame? Enjoy.
Noel
I'm next.
Noel
"Sweetest Roz, you are my ship when I'm at sea, my fairest rose, my fantasy. With each sunrise my thanks I send, for you, my love, my true best friend."
Bulldog
Puke!
Noel
That was beautiful, you son of a b.
Bulldog
[rising] Okay, everyb...[Noel is in his face.] Sit down. Sit down, Noel, sit down! Okay, everybody, Bulldog to the rescue. Now, I don't want to say Roz has had a lot of sex, but she's spent more time on her back than King Tut. [Frasier, Julia, Kenny, and Roz all have stunned looks on their faces.] Did you hear the story about the guy at KACL who didn't have sex with Roz? Me neither. But, uh, seriously--what's the difference between Roz and a dog in heat? [Frasier covers his face.] No, really, I'm asking. [uncomfortable pause] You people suck!
Frasier
It's not a roast, Bulldog.
Bulldog
It's not? I paid a guy at the Chuckle Factory 50 bucks to write jokes for me.
Gil
When's he getting here?
Bulldog
Okay, okay, you want a speech? Best of luck in your new job, Roz. [She smiles and raises her glass to him.] If you ever need a sports guy, I'm your man. And I wouldn't have any problem with you being my boss. After all, I know what it feels like to be underneath you. Am I right?
Noel
[rising angrily to confront Bulldog] Watch what you SAY ABOUT HER!!
Frasier
Noel! Come on. Walk it off, Noel, walk it off.
Gil
Careful, gents! Really, the way you two are always carrying on, people are going to start talking. [He grins cheesily and rises.] Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle.
Frasier
Hear, hear.
Gil
A wonderful co-worker, and a good friend.
All
Hear, hear.
Gil
Of course, I too noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches [becoming more passionate], fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm! Away!
Kenny
Okay, bar's closed. Gil?
Kenny
Uh, Julia, your turn.
Julia
[taken a bit by surprise, but very sincerely] Oh! Uh, well, I've only known Roz a short time, but I can see that she's a valuable member of this team, and I'm sure you'll be missed. Good luck.
Frasier
Well said, well said. Roz...I celebrate your new adventure with you, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that this is a big loss for me. You were there on my first day at KACL, and you took me under your wing.
Bulldog
[grinning] It's crowded under there.
Noel
[menacingly whispering to Bulldog] I will kill you!
Frasier
[continuing] I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to seeing somebody else in your booth. And certainly noone else can ever take your place in our hearts. And while we welcome new friends... [He places his arm on Julia's shoulder and looks at her with affection. Roz has a reaction of discerinble pain when she sees this.]...we are sad to say good-bye to old ones. Good luck, Roz.
All
Hear, hear! Speech! Come on, Roz, speech!
Roz
[rising and clearing throat] Thanks you guys. [She sees Julia comfortably resting her arm on Frasier's shoulder.] I just love you all for doing this for me. We really are like a family, aren't we? You know, this job at KPXY is a really great, great opportunity. But it'll never be like this. Which is why I'm changing my mind. I can't leave KACL, I'm staying!
Kenny
Really!