Proxy Prexy
Aired Oct. 8, 2002 · Written by Chris Marcil · Directed by Cynthia L. Popp
Skyline
A helicopter rises above the buildings.
Martin
A hell of a breakfast, Daph. I'm stuffed.
Daphne
Thanks. Now come on, let's do some exercises.
Martin
And risk a cramp? What kind of training did you get?
Frasier
Good morning. [He sits.]
Martin
Hi, Fras.
Daphne
Morning.
Martin
Want some breakfast?
Frasier
Um, no thanks. Coffee will be fine. Hi, Daph, uh, listen. I could use an objective opinion. I am running for condo board president, and I want to know what you think of this as a slogan: "Frasier Crane--The People's Elixir." [He beams.]
Martin
OK, I'm ready for my exercises now.
Frasier
Please, Dad, this is serious! I have a feeling this could be my year.
Daphne
Don't you say that every year.
Frasier
Yes, I do, but this year, I am the only one running against the incumbent, which means the people will rally their inchoate yearnings for change behind my banner.
Martin
Well, you're full of catchy slogans. Frasier, don't get your hopes up too high, I mean, name one person on the condo board you haven't ticked off at least once.
Frasier
That's just because I have a Type-A, hands-on, get-it-done personality.
Martin
Seriously, name one. You know, Fras, you might be the best man for the job, but a friendly smile and a "How do you do" in the hallway goes a lot further than being "The People's Laxative."
Frasier
[indignantly] Elixir! Well, I suppose you're right. I haven't really established myself as the neighborly sort. I thought that my term as fire safety captain might do the trick, but...I guess I drilled them once too often.
Daphne
[to Martin] Maybe you could give him lessons on how to be a normal person.
Frasier
I beg your pardon? Say, I've got an idea. Dad, why don't you just run?
Martin
Why would I want to do that?
Frasier
Well, because then the people would get their regular guy, but he would have my political agenda.
Daphne
I get it. Your father's the figurehead. Like Woodrow Wilson when he had that stroke and his wife secretly acted as president.
Frasier
Yes, exactly, but of course Dad would be conscious, presumably.
Martin
How did you know about that?
Daphne
I'm studying for my citizenship exam. It's about time I became am American like everyone else. [She goes to the kitchen.]
Frasier
If you were like everyone else, you wouldn't know any history. So, Dad, what do you think?
Martin
I don't know, it sounds like a big pain.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Dad. Think of the neighbors. Think of the building, the good we could do together. We can actually achieve the dream of luxury apartment living that our founders intended. Plus, I'll do all the work.
Martin
I'll tell you something I always thought we needed: wider parking spaces so the doors don't get dinged.
Frasier
All right, you do this for me, I'll make sure that gets done.
Martin
Really?
Frasier
Absolutely...Mr. President!
Martin
I like the sound of that. [They laugh.]
Frasier
Now I think I should still run against you. [He rises to exit.]
Martin
Why?
Frasier
[walking to the door] Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something's up. It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
Martin
No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.
Frasier
This is going to be sweet.
Frasier
Which brings me to my final opponent. Martin Crane. Now we're all aware that he is a decorated war hero and a much-honored police officer, but does he have the building's interests at heart? [hamming] Maybe. I simply ask that you stack up his 45 years of experience against my term as fire safety captain. Thank you. And God bless Elliot Bay Towers.
Paul
And now we'll hear from Martin Crane.
Martin
Uh, thanks, uh, I'm Marty Crane, uh I just want to say that it's a privilege to run and, uh, I'll try to do the best I can. Go Seahawks!
Paul
Um, here's where we hear from our third candidate, current president Jim McIntyre, but uh, last night he informed me that he was giving up condo board in order to pursue his dream of teaching English as a second language.
Frasier
[to Martin] Dream? Or court-ordered community service?
Paul
So, I guess it's time to vote.
Martin
Well, I wish we would have known that guy wasn't going to run. I wouldn't have had to spend all night working on my speech.
Frasier
Yes, plus, I would automatically be president now.
Martin
Yeah, even you couldn't lose a one-man election.
Frasier
Hmm, are you forgetting 1998?
Martin
Oh, yeah, when you lost to the dead guy.
Frasier
He wasn't dead he was in a coma. How was I supposed to compete with that?
Paul
OK, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. In a surprisingly close vote of fifteen to two, our new president is Martin Crane.
Frasier
Yes! I got two votes!
Daphne
Bye-bye. Uh, what a great massage. It's too bad her English wasn't better. She could have told us some of her secrets. [She sits next to him and takes his hand.]
Niles
Yes, but now we know that Urdu is the official language of heaven. I could go for a snack. Want some p�te?
Daphne
No thanks.
Niles
Some cheese?
Daphne
No.
Niles
P�te?
Daphne
Again, no. How about some salad?
Niles
Or a fruit salad. I could throw together a little mélange.
Daphne
I'll get it. A mélange sounds lovely. [She answers. It is Roz.] Roz, I thought you were going out with that man from your gym.
Roz
We didn't even make it to dinner. Here's your never-fail date purse back.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry. No, come on in.
Roz
Are you sure? You look like you're going to bed.
Daphne
No, we just got a massage. Come in.
Roz
[imitating Daphne's pronounciation of the word] Oh. Boy a massage sounds wonderful.
Daphne
She did the most incredible thing to my neck. Here, let me show you.
Roz
Hmm. Oh, Mmm-hmm.
Daphne
So how could you tell your date wasn't meant to be?
Roz
He had the same purse. Wow, that feels so good!
Daphne
Mmm-hmm.
Niles
Oh, hi Roz!
Roz
Hi!
Daphne
Poor thing had a bad date.
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, now that Daphne's helping you to relax, do you want to join us in a little mélange?
Roz
[weakly] What?
Daphne
You'll love it. Niles is amazing.
Roz
Wait, what are you saying?
Daphne
Unless you have other plans.
Roz
Well, I guess not, but...
Niles
[handing her the fruit salad] Than here you go.
Roz
[relieved] Oh. Fruit salad. Oh my God, I thought you said ménage!
Niles
Well, the fruits do mix a little promiscuously.
Roz
I was thinking, "Oh my God, what are they saying?"
Niles
Rest assured, we would have offered you something more than fruit salad to get you in the mood. [They continue to laugh.]
Daphne
You know what? She didn't say no.
Niles
You're right, she didn't.
Roz
It was only because it was so weird, I didn't know what to say.
Daphne
Is that why?
Niles
I think someone has a little crush on us.
Roz
You wish.
Daphne
We know what you wish. [Niles laughs.]
Roz
Okay, Okay. Let's talk about something else. What are you guys going to do this weekend?
Niles
[sitting next to Daphne] You, if you get your way. [Niles and Daphne continue to guffaw. Roz becomes visibly irritated.]
Daphne
So, if we had have asked you, you would have said no?
Roz
Of course I would have.
Niles
I see, and what's wrong with us?
Daphne
Do you find us unattractive?
Niles
Well, what if we wore masks?
Daphne
Oh, they'd have to be Nixon and Frakenstein. That's all we've got.
Roz
All right, you guys! Stop it! I'm sorry I didn't understand your little code word for fruit salad.
Daphne
We're sorry. Here you haven't even had dinner and we're teasing you.
Niles
Oh, you haven't? I didn't know that. Let me make you something.
Roz
No, it's OK, I'm not that hungry.
Daphne
Oh, come on.
Roz
Oh, all right. I wouldn't say no to a sandwich.
Frasier
Yes, he is doing a hell of a job, isn't he? Oh, listen, what did you think of the new plants in the lobby? Dad was particularly pleased with how they complimented the filigree in the sconces.
Martin
Don't tell people that!
Frasier
Yes, I suppose the best man did win. Bye-bye. Another satisfied constituent.
Martin
[sarcastically] Well, whoop-de-do.
Frasier
Hello.
Paul
Hi, Frasier. Hey, Marty [He rushes to Martin in admiration.]
Martin
Hey, Paul.
Paul
I just came down to congratulate you. Every president talks about getting new dryers, but you finally did something about it.
Frasier
You see, Dad. They love what you're doing for the building! Of course, the sting of losing was quite painful. But it's worth it, if we can have a laundry room that takes us into the 21st Century.
Paul
You're being a good sport about this, Frasier.
Frasier
Well, you know, public-spiritedness is the Crane code.
Martin
Right on! Uh, Paul, could you, uh...[He gestures for Paul to step out of his line of vision to the television.]
Paul
Oh, sure. Uh, hey, is it OK if I move the recycling bins down to the landing at the bottom of the stairs?
Martin
Knock yourself out.
Paul
Great, thanks. [He exits.]
Frasier
Is this going to be a problem?
Martin
What?
Frasier
I think we need to reach a little understanding. If someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose [he demonstrates], it means "No." You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: "N-O." [Martin rolls his eye in disgust.] Now if I touch my eye [again demonstrating], it means "aye," as in "yes."
Martin
Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.
Frasier
Dad?
Martin
I think I can at least take care of the no-brainer decisions myself.
Frasier
That is not how this is supposed to work.
Martin
Well, I thought how this was supposed to work was that if I agreed to do this, you would do the one thing I asked for.
Frasier
Yes, wider parking spaces, but I have five years of ideas here to implement first!
Martin
Five years? By the time I get my parking space I'll be driving a three-wheeled scooter with an oxygen tank on the back!
Frasier
Look, even if I could fast-track it, there are feasability studies to be done. There's, um, a committee review, and then there's a bidding process. You can't just hire some guy with a can of paint.
Martin
Well, that's what I'd do.
Frasier
Well that is why you're not in charge. [Martin is taken aback at this.] Now, here's your agenda for the next meeting. Make sure you follow it to the letter!
Martin
Yes, master. [He rises and heads to the kitchen.]
Frasier
Dad, I sense you're chafing under the cruel yoke of public service. Remember, we must subordinate our own wishes for the good of the building! [Martin is out of view. Kelsey now does one of his famous Bette Davis takes.] And that is not one of our hand signals!
Martin
Next item, a study to determine the feasability of putting... something on the roof. Any volunteers?
Frasier
I volunteer. And I would like to explore the idea of putting a patio on the roof.
Martin
All right, well, that about wraps things up.
Frasier
Uh, query?
Martin
[wearily] Recognized.
Frasier
Wasn't there, uh, something else you wanted to bring up?
Martin
[looking at the agenda] Nope. Don't think so.
Frasier
Are you sure? I-I could have sworn I heard the president say something about a-a new ventilation system.
Martin
Oh, we've done enough for tonight.
Frasier
[suddenly short and angry] No, you haven't! [Everybody, including Martin, is taken aback. Frasier recovers.] I'm certain if you simply consult the agenda which you so painstakingly prepared, you will find that there is one last item.
Martin
[consulting the agenda] Oh, yeah! Here it is! Wider parking spaces
Paul
Great idea, classic Marty!
Frasier
[in a warning tone] Are you sure it's not a ventilation system?
Martin
No. Wider...spaces. Those in favor of better parking? [Everyone responds "aye."] Those opposed to better parking?
Frasier
Nay!
Martin
Motion carries!
Frasier
Query!
Martin
Not recognized.
Paul
Marty, I'm afraid I have to interrupt. There's a delivery for you. Bring it in Mrs. Richman.
Richman
Here we go.
Martin
Whoa! A cake! What's the occasion?
Paul
We wanted to show you our appreciation for all the great things you've done for us.
Martin
[beaming] Wow! I never thought I'd see myself in frosting!
Paul
In the last couple of weeks, you've done more for this building than the last two presidents combined. Where did you get all these great ideas?
Martin
[smiling, but staring pointedly at Frasier] Oh, I don't know. They just come to me while I'm trying to watch TV. Why don't you make yourself useful and cut the cake, Fras?
Frasier
[with venom] My pleasure, Mr. President.