Kissing Cousin
Aired 15th October 2002 · Written by Eric Zicklin · Directed by Scott Ellis
Frasier
Well, it's official. Once again, there is no room for me at the Yo-Yo Ma Orchestral Fantasy Camp. Hello.
Roz
Frasier, this is my cousin Jen. She's visiting this week, remember?
Frasier
Oh, yes, of course. So how are you enjoying Seattle?
Jen
Well, I've been living in London, so Seattle seems a little lame. No offense.
Frasier
Oh, none taken. So you like London?
Jen
Not really. It's like a parody of itself.
Frasier
How so?
Jen
Oh, you know, double decker buses, bobbies, little pubs. It's like EPCOT but even fakier. So I bailed. Went and spent some time in Florence.
Frasier
Ah, Firenze. How is she?
Jen
I gotta say, Florence is over. It was probably cool, before all the Americans found out about it.
Frasier
You mean three hundred years ago?
Jen
Exactly. That's why I'm going to Vietnam. Americans have never even heard of it.
Frasier
Ah. Well, you know, I'm afraid I have to bail on this conversation, I have a show to prepare for. Roz, when are we doing those promos? This evening?
Roz
Oh, I had to reschedule those 'cause Jen and I are goin' out tonight!
Jen
A guy I met on the internet is in a band. We're going to go check them out, have a few drinks, watch all the losers. Wanna come?
Frasier
While no stranger to the discoth�que, I'm afraid it will have to Be you and Roz this evening.
Jen
This is our first time going out since I was a kid. When she used To baby-sit me, she was always dragging me on some wild adventure. Like that time we changed the sign from "SCHOOL ASSEMBLY" to "COOL ASS"?
Roz
Oh, my God.
Frasier
Charming.
Jen
No, you don't understand. The town we grew up in, was totally boring. It was like Kill Yourself, USA, right? Roz was the only person who did anything fun.
Frasier
Is that so?
Jen
Yeah. My mom calls me "Roz Junior," which is what passes for wit where we come from.
Roz
And, our town has the world's...
Together
FOURTH LARGEST THERMOMETER!
Frasier
Yes, well, I can see why London really let you down.
Kenny
Hey, Doc.
Frasier
Hi, Kenny.
Kenny
Remember last month when you spent your whole show talking to that pregnant teenager?
Frasier
Yes.
Kenny
Well, it wasn't a total waste. We just got nominated for an Excellence in Broadcasting Decency Award.
Frasier
Really? Well, that is quite an honor. I don't think we've ever won one of those.
Kenny
It's a very prestigious award. That's what makes it so special when they call your name. You know, it's heavier than it looks. You don't want to drop one of those on your foot, let me tell you.
Frasier
So you won one.
Kenny
Yeah, it's in a box in my office. You can come by sometime and I'll show you.
Frasier
Honestly, Kenny, when are you going to unpack those boxes? Isn't Four years enough time to make that office your own?
Kenny
Negatory, Doc. Every time I unpack in a new job, I get fired. Tacoma, Moline, Moline again... I learned my lesson; those boxes stay packed.
Frasier
So that's why you haven't unpacked. You know, all this time, I've been using you on my radio show as an example of procrastination. I had no idea you were just living in fear.
Kenny
I prefer to see it as a healthy superstition.
Frasier
Kenny, there's no such thing as a healthy superstition.
Kenny
Oh yeah? What do you call washing your hands after you go to the bathroom?
Frasier
Look at this place. Dad, I don't believe you've thrown out a single paper since Daphne moved in with Niles.
Martin
Hey, it was your idea to split up the chores. Recycling is your deal. Recycling and floors, remember? I'm in charge of regular garbage and tabletops, both of which are nicely under control, I might add.
Frasier
Really? I count three snack plates around your chair, all of them on tabletops.
Martin
Not anymore.
Frasier
All right, what's it gonna take for you to start doing your share of the work around here?
Martin
[thoughtfully] Trade me floors for garbage.
Frasier
You'll really take care of all the floors if I handle the garbage?
Martin
That's right.
Frasier
Okay. Okay, you got a deal, Mister.
Frasier
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello. Why's all your garbage stacked up in the hallway?
Martin
That's right, why is that, Frasier?
Frasier
Your game is deep.
Daphne
My, things are a bit untidy around here, aren't they? Maybe I'll Just clean up these dishes before we get started.
Frasier
Daphne, you don't have to do that.
Martin
That's true. You're not our slave anymore.
Daphne
I'm not gonna do all of it, just the tabletops.
Martin
Aw, that's sweet of you.
Martin
Burn.
Frasier
No, no.
Niles
Well, there's room at Roz's table.
Frasier
No! I find her cousin Jen just a bit judgmental for my taste. Yesterday she told me my show was bourgeois. I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal could be said to be bourgeois. She then said that my argument was bourgeois. Which I found to be jejeune.
Niles
People in their twenties are always like that. The world is so daunting at that age. They comfort themselves with the idea that everything's just trash. We were like that in medical school. Acting as if we were above it all, smarter than everybody. It passes.
Niles
Hello, Roz.
Roz
Niles, Frasier!
Frasier
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Come join us. Jen, this is Niles.
Niles
Pleased to meet you.
Jen
"Niles", whoa. Thanks Mom and Dad, right?
Frasier
Well, Jen, good to see you again. So, how was our night out, girls?
Roz
Well, it's still goin' on! We went to this really great club called Zoo.
Frasier
Excuse me, The Zoo?
Roz
No, it was just called Zoo.
Jen
Huh, "The".
Frasier
Roz, is that glitter in your hair?
Roz
Oh, is it? I thought it all came out in the car wash.
Jen
Oh, that's mine. Hello? ... Oh, Anka. You won't believe what huge Seattle cliche I'm in right now. ... I swear, my cousin Roz is like the only cool person in this whole city. The rest are just drones. Apparently they don't believe in raw sugar. [rising] Excuse me.
Frasier
You see what I mean about her.
Niles
She's struggling through a typical phase of development. Stop being so sensitive.
Jen
Sorry about that.
Niles
Not at all.
Jen
So, tell me about you guys. Roz says you're super competitive with each other. Did your parents withhold affection or is just the penis thing?
Niles
[to waiter] Uh, I'll take mine to go.
Frasier
Coming up next, This Day in Psychological History. After the news.
Roz
It was a good show, Frasier.
Frasier
It's not over Roz, this is just a break.
Roz
I'm sorry, I'm so exhausted. I haven't slept since Jen got here.
Jen
Hey, Roz, wanna go watch some backyard wrestling tonight?
Roz
I don't know. Maybe we should stay in tonight...rent a video?
Jen
Rent a video? You're turning into Aunt Mirabelle. All you need is a beanbag ashtray and a tracheotomy.
Roz
Well, I'm not there yet. I just thought that maybe you could use a night off.
Frasier
Say there, Jen, did you have a chance to explore that art gallery I suggested?
Jen
Yeah. I know you're into that stuff so I don't want to put it down. But it was like everything in there was trying to make us feel better about our corrupt, imperialistic, phallocratic heritage.
Frasier
They're landscapes.
Jen
But I picked up something for you on the way over here.
Frasier
[rising] Really?
Jen
Mm-hm.
Frasier
Well... a bust of Freud. Well, that's really quite thoughtful of you.
Jen
I figured you'd appreciate the irony. Since he's been proven wrong about practically everything.
Frasier
I like to think that Freud's theories will withstand the test of time.
Jen
Really? Have you read either of his books?
Frasier
Excuse me, young lady...
Jen
Uh-oh, here comes the lecture.
Frasier
Yes, for once you are right, for a disquisition is indeed at hand. And may I suggest you roll your eyes back into the forward position, as I may actually employ some visual aids. Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman of the name Clytemnestra...
Roz
Look, everybody, Kenny's here!
Kenny
Wow, I've never heard that before.
Roz
Jen, maybe Kenny can show you around the station.
Jen
You already showed me around the station yesterday.
Roz
Yeah, but you know what? I totally forgot to show you our ratings binders.
Kenny
You did?
Roz
Yeah.
Kenny
Well, then you're in for a treat.
Jen
What's that trophy for?
Kenny
Oh, a little series I produced called "Life Is My Favorite Drug of All".
Jen
Sounds pretty lame.
Kenny
[pauses] Yeah, it was.
Frasier
All right, that girl is really getting under my skin. When is she leaving?
Roz
She's not that bad.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Roz, she's running you ragged.
Roz
Oh, please, this is nothing. I used to party every night.
Frasier
Well, sure, at twenty you can do anything.
Roz
Hey, there's still a lot of candy left in this pinata.
Frasier
That's attractive.
Roz
Thank you.
Kenny
And this is my office. The nerve center. Where it all gdoes down.
Jen
Did you just move in here or something?
Kenny
Oh, no. No, but in AM radio you've got to be ready to go in a moment's notice. One day you're operating a fifty thousand watt powerhouse in Cleveland, the next your spinning platters out of a barn in Tulsa Town. You've gotta keep movin', it's all about the music. When it isn't about news and talk.
Jen
I heard AM radio is dead.
Kenny
Yeah, it is. So, you're going to Vietnam?
Jen
I'm thinking about it.
Kenny
That's such an original choice. You're so cool.
Jen
You're the first person that hasn't thought I was totally crazy for wanting to go there.
Kenny
Oh, what do they know? I've always loved the idea of just taking off. You know, seeing someplace exotic.
Jen
Why haven't you?
Kenny
My wife. She didn't like to travel.
Jen
But you just said you were separated. So do it. Blow all of it off, go to Vietnam. Break out of this prison cell.
Kenny
I could, couldn't I? You know, I could just be free. Just get a motorcycle, drive around the countryside, really start to live.
Jen
I never even thought of the motorcycle. Now you have to do it.
Kenny
People would think I was nuts.
Jen
I wouldn't.
Frasier
When Freud's genius has OBVIOUSLY influenced every psychiatrist on the planet...
Frasier
I haven't forgotten about you, callers. Stay tuned, won't you?
Roz
I'm starting to feel guilty about pawning Jen off on Kenny like that. He's been a little down lately, and Jen can be a little, well, negative sometimes.
Frasier
I hadn't noticed.
Roz
I just hope she doesn't send him spiraling down into some kind of depression.
Jen
So, Seattle still loves the Walkman, huh? He's probably listening to "Thriller". So, do you still want to go to that warehouse party tonight? Doors open at eleven, so we should probably be there at one.
Roz
Look, I wish I could Jen, but I really have to sleep.
Jen
Don't worry, we'll have a few cocktails and you'll feel a lot better.
Roz
Forget it, I am not drinking again tonight.
Jen
So just drink beer. I mean, Alice is still at her grandparent's, right?
Roz
Listen sweety, why don't you go out by yourself tonight.
Jen
Oh, come on, Mirabelle, have some fun.
Roz
Don't do that.
Jen
Do what, Mirabelle?
Roz
Knock it off, I'm serious.
Jen
You used to be so fun, but ever since you've got the condo and the SUV, you're all 401(k) or whatever.
Roz
I'm exactly the same person I've always been.
Jen
Oh, yeah? I checked your car radio. It's not stuck on that classic rock station.
Roz
For your information, classic rock is both classic and it rocks.
Jen
What happened to you?
Roz
I'm old!
Frasier
Daphne, would you get that?
Niles
Sorry I'm late, I...
Niles
What's going on?
Frasier
Uh-oh.
Martin
Steady...
Daphne
Your father and brother needed a little help. The oven's all clean, I just have a bit of ironing left, I won't be a minute. And don't forget: I've drawn baths for both of you.
Niles
Are you proud of yourselves?
Frasier
We didn't ask her to do anything.
Martin
She offered.
Niles
Then why is no one looking me in the eye?
Frasier
I'm sorry, Niles, you're right. Maybe we took advantage.
Martin
Absolutely. We're way out of line, it won't happen again.
Niles
What are you doing?
Martin
What?
Niles
Are you going to leave that there?
Martin
I'll clean it later.
Niles
Well, that's the whole problem. If you would just clean as you go, things wouldn't pile up, you wouldn't need Daphne's help.
Martin
I guess.
Niles
No, it's true, look at this. Look how easy.
Niles
See? Small, consistent efforts, that's what it takes. Just like managing one's cuticles.
Niles
[calling] You know, there's a bowl of potato salad laying out, completely uncovered.
Martin
It's getting tangy.
Niles
The plastic wrap is right here.
Frasier
We really should help him.
Martin
Are you nuts? He's about to make us dinner.
Frasier
He is not.
Martin
Twenty bucks says he is.
Frasier
Forget money. Let's wager something real.
Martin
All right, if I get him to make dinner, you do all the chores. If I don't, I'll do 'em.
Daphne
I'm ready, Niles.
Niles
[returning from the kitchen.] Excellent, because tonight I am taking you to the finest bistro in the Pacific Northwest.
Frasier
You're on!
Martin
Take your sweet time, why don't you?! [calling out] Hey, guys, Are you sure you don't want to stick around? I was just going to open a can of spaghetti.
Niles
[stopping at the door] But, you have sea bass in the fridge.
Martin
Oh, it'll probably last another day.
Niles
Oh, I think you should cook it tonight.
Martin
Fine. I'll nuke it with some ketchup.
Niles
That's ridiculous. You can't use your turkey recipe on fish.
Martin
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Niles
Well, just take one clove of garlic, two tablespoons of finely minced fresh ginger... [off Martin's confused look] Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll do it myself.
Daphne
I suppose I'll lay the table.
Martin
No, no Daphne. You've done enough for today. That's Frasier's job.
Frasier
[v.o.] And so for our final hour today, I'd like to focus on First-time callers only. We've heard a lot of familiar voices this week and I'd like to shake it up...
Jen
Hey.
Kenny
Hey.
Kenny
I looked for you at that warehouse party last night, but I didn't see you.
Jen
Oh, I was in the old meat locker.
Kenny
Oh, I didn't look in there.
Jen
Sorry we didn't hook up. Did I leave my sunglasses in here?
Kenny
Oh, yes, you did.
Jen
So, I'm taking off. I had a really cool time with you. I hope you make your break from here soon.
Kenny
Good news. I just got off the phone with my travel agent. She got me this great fare to Ho Chi Minh City and she said it'd be no problem to get you on the same flight. This is gonna be awesome! I've never seen Asia before. I've seen the band, of course, but not, you know...
Jen
Oh, well, about that, Kenny, um, I already booked a flight.
Kenny
Oh, well maybe I can get on your flight.
Jen
Well, see, the thing is, I travel solo.
Kenny
Oh.
Jen
It's kind of a rule I have. I had this bad experience once...
Kenny
Oh, no, please. I totally get where you're coming from. Solo's the way to go. My high school French club went to Montreal once, nightmare!
Jen
You should still go. You deserve to have some fun.
Kenny
Okay. Yeah. Well, maybe I'll run into you over there.
Jen
I'd like that.
Frasier
[v.o.] Our next caller is Stu, from Madrona. Go ahead, Stu, I'm listening.
Stu
[v.o.] All right, it's like this: I've been dating my girlfriend for six years and she keeps bugging me about movin' in.. But I know as soon as she does, my freedom is gone. Everything's gotta be in the hamper, I can't eat over the sink, can't just go out whenever my buddies call, it's a lot to give up.
Frasier
Okay, Stu, how old are you?
Stu
The calendar says forty-seven, but I feel eighteen, right?
Roz
Forty-seven?!
Frasier
Now, Roz...
Roz
I have a suggestion for you, Stu: Grow the hell up!
Stu
What? I'm sorry?
Roz
I'm thirty-eight. And I FEEL thirty-eight. Now, I know we're all supposed to act like perpetual teenagers these days, but you know what? I like acting my age. I like being a mom. I like having a career. And I like balancing my checkbook! When did it become such a bad thing to be an adult?!
Stu
Dr. Crane? Hello?
Roz
Now, don't get me wrong, I had a great time when I was younger, I did! But after a while, that way of life just seems...empty. You have to go deeper, and commit to things that really matter to you. Believe me, when you do that, you'll find out how amazing and rich life can be.
Stu
Hey, I know that voice. You were at Zoo the other night. [Roz Looks nervous.] You told me you were twenty-nine.
Frasier
Thanks for your call, Stu, let's go to traffic.
Roz
I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess I shouldn't have unloaded on that guy. I've just been thinking a lot about age lately.
Frasier
That's all right, Roz. I thought your speech was courageous. And Who knows? Even if it went right past Stu, maybe it reached somebody else out there on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.