Tales From The Crypt

Skyline

An orange moon rises above the cityscape, taking on the face

Bulldog

Hey, Roz...

Bulldog

Hi, hi, hi. Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all time. I'll admit it, this was my masterpiece.

Roz

[excited] Oh, who, who? Who'd you get?!

Bulldog

OK...

Employee

Way to go, Bulldog!

Kenny

There he is! [slams chests and slaps hands with Bulldog]

Bulldog

I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a smashed-up BMW, same make and model as Frasier's.

Roz

You didn't! You got Frasier!

Bulldog

I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck went in its place.

Kenny

The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First he started swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when his lip started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him it's all a prank.

Bulldog

Hey - Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides, I got the whole thing on tape.

Bulldog

Admit it, Doc, I got you good.

Bulldog

Come on, [slaps Frasier's backside] say it: Bulldog's the best. [no response] OK, OK, how �bout the bitch dance I taught you? [giggles, still nothing] Well, at least give me one up high!

Bulldog

Come on - oh, come on, don't leave me hanging, Doc! Where's your Halloween spirit?

Bulldog

Don't worry, it'll be here waiting for you.

Frasier

For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, "I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE!"

Roz

Frasier, you've got to admit, it was clever.

Frasier

I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.

Roz

OK.

Frasier

Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic... of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after these words.

Frasier

[on tape; wailing] My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my bay-beee...!

Bulldog

Whenever you're ready.

Niles

Did you find something?

Daphne

Do you think they'll take soy sauce packets?

Gertrude

Who keeps ringing the doorbell?

Daphne

Shh! It's trick or treaters.

Niles

OK, they're gone.

Gertrude

Well, why didn't you let them in?

Daphne

Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.

Niles

Although, someone else could have picked it up since she was already in the store.

Daphne

But, that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing. [smiles]

Gertrude

If this is what you two call a fight, you're not fit to be married. I once held your father's head underwater, and-

Daphne

Shh!

Gertrude

Oh, for heaven's sake! [through the door] We haven't got any candy, shove off!

Niles

Great, now they know we're here.

Gertrude

That is precisely what's wrong with this country, everyone's afraid to stand up to the children.

Jason

Trick-or-treat!

Gertrude

Didn't you hear? We've got no candy!

Niles

[clearly scared] We can offer you hotel soaps.

Jason

But it's Halloween. I dress up, you give me candy.

Gertrude

That costume's supposed to be scary?

Jason

No, is yours?

Gertrude

Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves.

Jason

If you don't have treats, you're going to get a trick.

Gertrude

Do your worst! I'm not afraid of you. [shuts the door in his face] Honestly!

Niles

OK, well, maybe I'll go get some candy after all.

Niles

OK, I'm going to need my slicker and my squash goggles!

Frasier

Good morning, Roz. May I join you?

Roz

Sure, Frasier. Well, I'm glad to see you're not sulking today.

Frasier

Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and I've decided to put Bulldog's prank behind me...

Roz

That's very mature.

Frasier

I'm not finished! - by visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly. Look at this.

Roz

Looks like a car with a balloon tied to it.

Frasier

Precisely. I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldog's car every time his precious Seahawks-

Frasier

-lose a game. Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche. Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon-

Frasier

-will bring about in him an inexplicable sense...

Frasier

...of loss. [drops the pad into his briefcase] Check-and-mate!

Roz

[stares for a second, then:] Isn't that... kind of out there?

Frasier

That's the point. Well, of course, I could go with any one of your basic pranks - hand in warm water, and whatnot - believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them. But what I'm looking for is something unmistakably ME. A signature prank, if you will.

Roz

Why don't you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes in the sun?

Frasier

What, at my expense?

Roz

Look at his life! You guys used to be equals, now he's stuck downstairs in that dark, musty archives room. You must have some sympathy for him, don't you?

Frasier

"Dark, musty archives"... I think I could use that!

Niles

Hello, all.

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Gertrude

Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home.

Niles

Now, now, it's good to get out of the house, get some fresh air, exercise those lungs.

Gertrude

My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags. [off their shocked looks] One off me record!

Daphne

[sees Frasier's pad] What's this?

Frasier

I'm devising the ultimate prank, to get my revenge on Bulldog.

Niles

Ah, well just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship. Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.

Gertrude

Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!

Niles

You said you'd put an end to it!

Gertrude

Hence the Vaseline.

Daphne

Mum, he's a child!

Gertrude

Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.

Frasier

You know, I think she has the right attitude. If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, I've got to show him that he's dealing with a superior intellect.

Roz

Show them the balloon car.

Frasier

I'm sure Da Vinci's early notes were full of laughs too! [gets up] Excuse me, I have devising to do!

Barista

That'll be... $32.03.

Gertrude

For one drink?!

Barista

Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes, and he said it was all on you.

Jason

Thanks for the treats, Grandma!

Gertrude

Oh, let's see the little sod get to school without these. Oh, this should settle it!

Martin

Is anybody there?

Martin

[acting] Oh, zombies... the living dead. Help, help!

Frasier

Everyone, hold please.

Frasier

Zombie Number Two, what are you doing?

Zombie 2

I'm scaring Bulldog?

Frasier

I see. Is that what zombies do, they scare people?

Zombie 2

Um...

Frasier

Wrong. They eat brains, and THAT'S what scares people. Now, look, this is our dress rehearsal, let's please try to get this right. Bulldog comes in, he hears noises, zombies go after his brain, and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date. Now, let's try this again. First marks, please.

Martin

Oh, jeez, Fras, this is the fourth time through. Can somebody else play Bulldog now?

Frasier

Dad, you said you would help me with this.

Martin

Well, that's because you said we were gonna do a practical joke. I thought it would be fun.

Frasier

Whatever gave you that idea? [to one of the actors] Todd, I am getting "dead" from you. But I am not getting "undead."

Todd

[bored] Still?

Frasier

Let's try this then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when he or she was alive, how they died, and why they're now after Bulldog's brain.

Frasier

Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work with here. These are the worst actors I've ever seen.

Roz

[annoyed] Well, I'm sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town with its all-zombie production of "Hamlet"!

Martin

How many more times are we going to do this?

Frasier

Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls off a practical joke, you all applaud him, as if he'd won some sort of bowl or cup or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday, all I get is complaints?

Martin

Well, because you keep turning it into work! This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.

Frasier

Like when?

Martin

Well, the last time we went to the beach!

Frasier

A lot of people bring rakes!

Roz

Look, Frasier, it's not too late to back out of this. Face it, jokes just aren't your specialty.

Frasier

What is that supposed to mean?

Martin

Well, what she means, son, is that we all have our different blessings. And Bulldog's good at jokes and fun, and you're good at... reading, and, uh... telling people about the things you read.

Frasier

Are you saying that you think I can't pull this off?

Roz

Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.

Martin

I would.

Frasier

But I've worked this out to the last detail, nothing can go wrong!

Roz

Everything's gonna go wrong! For one thing, Bulldog's gonna know something's up, �cause Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night! And then look at all these cameras and all these wires, I mean, what if he spots these?

Martin

And the zombies, as soon as he sees them he's gonna know it's a prank, because he just pranked you! [composure cracks] And there are no such things as zombies!!!

Frasier

You, sir... are released!

Frasier

[to Roz] And you as well!

Frasier

I'll pull this thing off by myself, proving you don't know what you're talking about! I don't need any of you!

Frasier

Wait, zombies, I do need you! [up the stairs] But no one else! I'll show all of you! You mark my words, tomorrow night I get my revenge!

Frasier

Ah, good, the effects machine's working again. [claps hands] All right, everyone, back to your first marks.

Gertrude

Where have you been?

Courier

I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding this place. I checked the directory for "Crane," but it had "Old Bat" next to this apartment number.

Gertrude

[to herself] A little obvious, but not bad.

Gertrude

I want you to deliver this "Baby-I-Have-To-Tinkle" doll to Jason White, Floyd Middle School. [gives him a paper] This is the address. I mean, he should be in gym class about now.

Courier

I don't think I'm allowed to just walk into his school, ma'am.

Gertrude

No, it's OK. I'm his grandmother. [points to the paper] And you have to say this.

Courier

[reading] "Your mommy said, bring this to you at school to lift your spirits. See? A dolly has accidents too." You really want me to say that?

Gertrude

Yes, and very loudly. The poor thing's hard-of-hearing.

Gertrude

[raises both fists] Yes!

Frasier

Todd, take off that baseball cap. You're undead, not uncouth.

Frasier

All right, everyone, step lively, look sharp. It's almost showtime. Give me a final room tone check, please, and... take your marks.

Martin

Hey, Fras.

Frasier

Well... hello. You've come to watch me fail, I suppose.

Roz

No, we just want to come join you.

Martin

Yeah, we're sorry about that stuff we said yesterday.

Roz

Yeah, we came to see you have your day. It's long overdue.

Frasier

Maybe I don't want you here.

Roz

What do you mean?

Frasier

You abandon me in my hour of need, now you're here to revel in my success, just like in Boswell's "Life of Johnson."

Martin

What?

Frasier

It was something-I-read.

Martin

I guess we deserved that - whatever the hell it means.

Roz

Come on, Frasier, we're sorry. Just let us watch.

Frasier

All right, apology accepted. You may observe - in silence. Make yourselves comfortable.

Frasier

And prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge of madness!

Martin

[in Roz's ear] I think he's already there.

Daphne

Mum, we're off to the symphony.

Gertrude

Haven't the Germans punished us enough?

Niles/Daphne

Oh!/Bloody hell!

Niles

Where did this come from?

Gertrude

[innocently] Oh, you must have crossed someone.

Daphne

[not fooled] Mother...

Donald

Oh my God! I'm so sorry! We were just coming down the hall, and we saw you open your door. This is our trash can!

Daphne

What was it doing there?

Beverly

[out into the hall] Jason, get back here! [to Niles] It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.

Niles

You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter.

Gertrude

[waves cheerfully] Hello!

Jason

I have a lot of homework...

Beverly

Stay!

Donald

Jason, have you been fighting with this woman?

Jason

Well, she broke my bike and made me have to see a counselor at school!

Gertrude

[gets up] I think I left something in the kitchen...

Daphne

Stay!

Gertrude

I am an adult! I can do anything I want! [stamps her foot]

Niles

No. While you're living under our roof, you'll follow our rules.

Daphne

You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What if someone got hurt?

Jason

Good.

Beverly

Jason! You are one step away from losing your broadband connection. Now apologize and shake hands.

Gertrude

[putting her arms on her hips] Pish.

Niles

What if I told you you couldn't smoke your pipes in your room anymore?

Gertrude/Jason

[mumbling] I'm sorry.

Daphne

Now, you two are going to clean up this mess.

Beverly

And Jason, come straight home when you're finished.

Daphne

And this place better be spotless by the time we get back.

Jason

I wish I was all grown-up, and I wouldn't have to follow their stupid rules!

Gertrude

Oh, nothing changes, trust me.

Jason

You know... my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl.

Gertrude

[elbows him] So does my son-in-law!

Jason

I know where we can find some crickets.

Gertrude

No! Now, we should do as we're told, and start cleaning up.

Jason

OK.

Gertrude

That way, they won't be expecting it!

Kenny

This is so great! I can't wait! I'm getting goose bumps! [holds out his arm and rolls up his sleeve] Feel me, feel me!

Frasier

Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch?

Frasier

There he is. Cue creaking noise one... [presses a button on the panel]

Bulldog

Hello? Who's there?

Frasier

Cue creaking noise two. [presses another button]

Frasier

Now, let the horror begin... [presses another button]

Frasier

Yes! How do you like that, ya big baby! [laughs]

Bulldog

Get back!

Frasier

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! [tears off his headphones and rushes out] CALL 9-1-1, CALL 9-1-1!

Martin

Don't worry about it, Kenny! It's just a joke!

Kenny

What are you talking about?!

Martin

It's a fake gun!

Kenny

What?

Martin

It's-a-fake-gun!

Kenny

[still unsure] What about the bullets?

Roz

It's a joke! Bulldog found out about Frasier's prank, so we set him up!

Kenny

[laughing] That is awesome! I can't believe he fell for it!

Roz

Come on, we got to go tell Frasier what's going on!

Kenny

You guys go ahead... [Roz and Martin run out] I think I'm gonna stay here and puke.

Frasier

Stop! Stop! It was all a joke! Oh my God, what have I done?!

Martin

What's the big deal, he was already a zombie! [laughs]

Frasier

Are you insane?! Call an ambulance!

Frasier

What is going on here?

Roz

[points] Wave to the camera, Frasier!

Frasier

What?

Bulldog

Got you again, all on tape. Who's the king?

Frasier

That isn't funny, I could have had a heart attack!

Martin

Oh, sorry, Fras, we just couldn't resist.

Frasier

Well, at least nobody was hurt. You bested me, Bulldog, again!

Todd

Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back...

Frasier

What?

Roz

OH MY GOD!!!

Martin

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!

Kenny

SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!

Martin

WHERE'S THE PHONE?! WHERE'S THE PHONE?!

Frasier

Roz, get the first aid kit out of the closet!

Roz

OK! OK! [runs over]

Bulldog

No, no, not the-!

Martin

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON DOWN HERE?!?!

Frasier

Quiet, quiet, everybody! [into phone] Hello? Yes, I'd like to report... THE GREATEST PRACTICAL JOKE EVER! You'd better send a fire truck, because you guys just got BURNED! AH-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HAAAAAA!

Roz

Wait, what?!

Noel

[looking up] Hi, Roz!

Bulldog

You should see the look on your faces! This is truly a classic!

Martin

This was all just a joke?

Kenny

Awesome!

Bulldog

Nice work, Doc.

Frasier

Likewise, Bulldog. [they shake hands]

Todd

You think I can get a copy of this for my demo reel?

Frasier

[pats him on the shoulder] Sure thing, Todd. You've come a long way in a short time, young man.

Martin

Well, Frasier, I'm speechless! You totally had us going!

Roz

I can't believe it!

Frasier

Admit it, Roz, can I pull off a practical joke, or what?

Roz

I just don't understand it, you guys worked together?

Bulldog

Yeah, Frasier set the whole thing up.

Frasier

The other day, after you two left, I got to thinking maybe my joke was aimed at the wrong target. That's when Bulldog and I joined forces!

Roz

But we joined forces with him to get you!

Frasier

That's exactly what you were supposed to think!

Martin

Wow, Fras, I got to give it to you - this was brilliant!

Frasier

Thank you, Dad. What do you say we all go upstairs and watch the tape, huh?

Frasier

All right, you guys go ahead. Bulldog?

Bulldog

Yeah?

Frasier

Technically, I still owe you one

Bulldog

Face it, Doc, you will never win. [to Noel, who is still hanging on the door] Good work, Noel.

Bulldog

That's why you had to join forces with me.

Bulldog

Huh?

Frasier

You're right.

Bulldog

All right.