Star Mitzvah
Aired November 5, 2002 · Written by Sam Johnson · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Skyline
A blimp flies over the city.
Lilith
Here we are. File A, slide sheet 1, image 1 of subject Frederick G. Crane.
Freddie
Mom!
Lilith
[showing him the slide sheet] Here you are, just an hour after being wrestled from my grudging womb.
Freddie
Gross!
Lilith
You know, if you'd like there's still time to include this in your Bar Mitzvah video.
Freddie
Thanks, but I just want to get through this thing with as little humiliation as possible.
Lilith
[going through a box] Oh, look at this! Your hospital cap. The very combed cotton that swaddled your little...[voice breaking] head.
Freddie
Are you okay?
Lilith
Of course I am. It's only natural that there should be some emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift in our relationship. I knew it would come, I just wasn't expecting such a roller coaster. [She pauses briefly.] All done. Is this your guest list? Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to invite so many friends. I don't even know some of these people. And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman? I thought you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class.
Freddie
He's not so bad. Besides, the more people you invite, the more presents you get.
Lilith
Frederick... a Bar Mitzvah is a rite of passage, not an opportunity for you to collect presents.
Freddie
I'm sorry. You're right. I'll try to trim it down.
Kenny
Hey, Doc!
Frasier
Kenny.
Kenny
I can't tell you how touched I am that Freddie invited me to his Bar Mitzvah.
Frasier
He did?
Kenny
Yeah! What a great kid! That's your son, right?
Frasier
Yes. I wasn't aware that you two had met.
Kenny
We haven't. Eh, I guess he's probably heard his share of Kenny stories.
Frasier
[chuckling] Yeah. From whom?
Kenny
You sly kidder. It sounds like a hoot, but if I don't find someone to drive with me to Boston and share a tent on the way, I probably won't be able to afford to go.
Frasier
Hmm.
Kenny
Fun drive, I bet.
Frasier
[nodding] Hmm.
Kenny
I guess I can just send him something.
Frasier
I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.
Jason
[holding an invitation envelope] Hey, Dr. Crane! Mazel Tov!
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Freddie's so sweet. He sent me an invitation to his Bar Mitzvah. [She produces the invitation.]
Frasier
Yes, apparently the people of Washington state have made quite an impression on him.
Roz
Can you believe Freddie is thirteen years old already?
Frasier
I can hardly think about it without choking up. This is my son, Roz. The little bald candy man that used to fit right here in the crook of my arm.
Roz
[sweetly, teasing] "Little bald candy man." That's adorable. I had a boyfriend who called hi...
Roz
[recovers] Is it weird to have a son brought up in a different religion from yours?
Frasier
Not at all, Roz. It's a faith that espouses love, compassion, duty, education, and art. All values which I cherish. And though I have played a relatively small role in his spiritual development, he has honored me by asking that I say a few words. And in the spirit of the occasion, I'm going to try to learn it in Hebrew.
Noel
Hi, Dr. Crane!
Frasier
Hi, Noel.
Noel
Hi, Roz. You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before.
Roz
I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets when you talk to me.
Noel
So, I don't think I can make the Bar Mitzvah.
Frasier
Great. [recovering] I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noel. [feigning disappointment] Great! You're not coming, terrific!
Noel
Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew?
Frasier
Not learn it, I'm saving that pleasure for retirement. But I have composed a speech and I-I'd like to say it in Hebrew.
Noel
Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want.
Frasier
You can, really, oh, Noel, thank you!
Noel
Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo.
Frasier
Certainly, whatever you'd like.
Noel
Great! The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
Frasier
Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel
I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser.
Frasier
Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you?
Noel
Trust me, there are no friends in the world of Star Trek autography.
Frasier
I see. Well, then, consider it done.
Noel
Well, thank you so much!
Frasier
Now, be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering until the actual signing, and if you must handle it, use these cotton gloves.
Frasier
[taking them] Okay.
Noel
You'll be the hit of the Bar Mitzvah, I promise. And don't be surprised if you get caught up in the fun of the convention, too.
Frasier
[patiently] Yeah, I'll try to pace myself.
Noel
Thanks again, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Noel! How did you know I would do it?
Noel
What do you mean?
Frasier
Well, you must have known I would do this for you, or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right?
Noel
[playing along, but confused] Right.
Martin
Hey, Niles, think fast!
Niles
Dad!
Daphne
What is that?
Martin
My good old Scheerblad-7X-K.
Niles
The blindingest, noisiest, fifteen-pound camera ever produced in the former Soviet Union!
Martin
Can you believe it? Somehow it got buried deep down in storage. But, Eddie and I found it just in time for the Bar Mitzvah.
Daphne
What smells like burning plastic?
Martin
Oh, that means the flash unit's working.
Niles
[still blinking it off] I thought the retina-scorching flash meant that the flash unit was working.
Martin
Not always.
Niles
I still remember the night of my junior prom. Dad wanted to get a nice close-up of me and Margaret Coover. Unfortunately he got a little too close and the heat from the flash seared the gold plating off Margaret's necklace onto her skin.
Daphne
You never mentioned Margaret Coover before.
Niles
I didn't? Margaret Coover. Petite, brunette, gilded.
Frasier
Dear God, the old flash-and-whine!
Niles
[deadpan] Dad found it.
Martin
Yeah, good thing, too. Hasn't failed me yet. Oh, except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.
Frasier
That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
Martin
Hey, Daph, do you know where the tripod is? I might need it for group shots.
Daphne
Yeah, I think it's in the back of your closet. Come on, I'll help you look for it.
Niles
Sherry, Frasier?
Frasier
Please, Niles.
Niles
I have good news.
Frasier
Hmm?
Niles
I have two tickets to the Udo Fritzenheim show at the museum tomorrow, not to mention an invitation for lunch with the artist afterwards.
Frasier
[excited] Oh, are you serious, Niles? Lunch with a Dada master! Oh, I'd love to come! But I can't. I have other plans. I promised Noel Shempsky I'd do a favor for him and I've got to remain true to my word. Although perhaps I could go to the show, leave the luncheon early and still fulfill my commitment.
Niles
[handing him the sherry] Oh yes, of course you could.
Frasier
Yeah, you're right, Niles. There. [They toast.] You know, it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said the word "Dada." I remember swelling with pride thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant, but of course Lilith deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me.
Martin
Hey, Fras, good news, found the tripod.
Frasier
Oh, splendid.
Martin
It's tough to watch your kids grow up.
Frasier
Well, he's... still just a boy. He's only thirteen.
Martin
[tapping his shoulder] It goes fast.
Daphne
How's Lilith taking it?
Frasier
Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her. I can't really say for sure. You know, she's always been rather guarded with her emotions.
Niles
Not always, Frasier, I've seen her get quite emotional.
Frasier
I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That.
Daphne
What does that mean?
Daphne
[to Niles] What are you hiding?
Niles
Oh... [he struggles at length for words] Um... some years ago...
Frasier
In a complete drunken stupor...
Martin
Totally stinko...
Niles
Yes... I had an unplanned, uh, and instantly regretted, uh, night of amore... with Lilith.
Daphne
A one-nighter?
Niles
[stupidly] Of amore.
Daphne
Lilith?!
Niles
Well, it was after Maris, and long before you. In fact, it's pretty funny when you think about it.
Niles
And remember, I was drunk.
Daphne
You'd have to be, wouldn't you? [realizing] Oh, sorry, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.
Daphne
And when were you planning on sharing this interesting bit of information with me?
Niles
Soon... very soon... never.
Daphne
Well... what's done is done. I suppose we've all had our romantic missteps. But just to be clear: are there any more secret sweethearts who I see on a regular basis?
Niles
No. Nobody. [looking to Frasier for confirmation] Nobody? [Frasier nods] Nobody.
Frasier
I certainly wouldn't count Anamari Hanratty at the Natural History Museum.
Niles
[with quivering, pleading voice] Frasier?
Frasier
I said I wouldn't count her. I mean, they just made out.
Frasier
It was for charity! But it doesn't really matter, I mean, the woman makes out with everyone. [He places the book on the television] You see, she's not really the kind of person that you'd...
Noel
Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Hi, Noel.
Noel
Are you ready for yeshiva tomorrow? That means "school."
Frasier
Yes indeed, I am, I'm looking forward to it. Uh, listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some bad news about the, uh, science fiction convention.
Noel
Uh-oh!
Frasier
Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a luncheon on Saturday, and even though I left the luncheon early the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone.
Noel
[deeply distressed] No...! You made a promise and you welshed on it! Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
It's not really such a big deal is it, Noel?
Noel
It's a huge deal! Who knows when I'll get to see Scott Bakula again? I'll be the laughingstock of my clan!
Frasier
Noel, try to remem... clan? No, never mind, never mind! Noel, surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show.
Noel
So was Brideshead Revisited!
Frasier
[furious, then] You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that. But with all due respect, Noel, perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a genuine, meaningful, grownup person's life! [realizing his voice has risen] Just a friendly suggestion.
Noel
You're right. You did your best and that's good enough for me.
Frasier
Thank you, Noel. So, you'll still be my tutor?
Noel
Sure.
Frasier
Good man. Thank you. [tapping his shoulder] I'll see you tomorrow.
Noel
[menacingly] Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow. And by the rings of Septaurus Five you will pay, Dr. Crane. You... [he stops as Kenny walks by] Oh hi, Kenny! ...will pay!
Roz
Okay, Eddie, hit the "talk" button. [Eddie does so.] And you're listening to "The Best of Crane" on KACL. We'll be back after these messages.
Noel
Well, well. The fox and the hound working together. How ironic.
Roz
I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from Boston. By the way, he left you something.
Noel
He did?
Roz
Yeah.
Roz
Wow. A wig? That's cruel even for Frasier.
Noel
Cruel? It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek Twenty-Eight, "City on the Edge of Forever." It's probably still got her DNA in it.
Roz
[reading Frasier's note] "Dear Noel. I hope this begins to repay you for your great kindness to me, especially in light of my negligence. Your friend, Frasier Crane."
Noel
He called me "friend"?
Roz
That's really sweet of him.
Noel
I've got to call him before he delivers his speech.
Roz
You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?
Noel
Uh, not quite. They're the same words, but they're in Klingon.
Roz
From Star Trek? That's not even real.
Noel
It's the fastest growing language on the planet! This is what you people don't understand. [becoming passionate] A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision...
Roz
CALL HIM!
Freddie
Yit-ba-rach shim-cha bi'fi kol chai. Tamid l'o-lam va-ed. Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai. M'ka-deish ha-Sha-bat. Amen.
Gendler
Yasher Koach Frederick. That was a beautiful passage, and a wonderful reading. You honor us all by including...
Gendler
You honor us all by including us in this important occasion, but you have chosen to especially honor your parents, Lilith and Frasier, by asking them to conclude this ceremony. Lilith?
Lilith
Thank you. I...
Gendler
Excuse me, would the photographer please refrain from taking any more pictures until after the ceremony is over?
Martin
Sorry, Rabbi.
Lilith
Thank you. I am very proud to participate in the coming-of- age ritual of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane.
Jeremy
[catching himself] Oh.
Lilith
Frederick, on this momentous occasion, I can only look at you and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler who once danced naked at the Boston Pops... the little boy whose favorite dish was "buh-sghetti."
Lilith
I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together reading The Cat in the Hat.
Lilith
"The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play, so we sat in the house on that cold, cold wet day."
Lilith
Don't grow up! Not yet! [She emotionally hugs Freddie.]
Daphne
[to Niles] Nice girlfriend you've got there.
Niles
If you're trying to embarrass me, it's not going to work.
Martin
Come here, Daddy's little peanut man.
Frasier
[leading Lilith back to her seat] It'll be all right.
Gendler
We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father, Frasier, who, though not of our faith, has chosen to follow his son's fine example and deliver it in Hebrew.
Frasier
Thank you. [going to the lectern] I'll keep this short.
Freddie
Thanks, Dad.
Frasier
Pookh lod wih le koo. Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh leng-lidge loo-Teb-jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp shoave dah-nobe-poo- boagh. [in Hebrew] Shabbat shalom.
Daphne
Oh, that was lovely.
Gendler
What was that gobbledygook?
Frasier
Well, it's-it's a blessing for my son, "Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo."
Gendler
That means nothing. It's gibberish.
Frasier
What?
Jeremy
That's not gibberish. It's Klingon.
Gendler
What?
Frasier
Oh, dear God!
Jeremy
Freddie's Dad just blessed him in Klingon.
Frasier
[mortified] I'm terribly sorry. I... I... will you excuse me, please?
Gendler
Okay, everybody. It's better to end with laughter than tears. I don't know how they say it in outer space, but here we say [putting his hands toward Freddie's head] ahava and shalom - Love and Peace. Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose room in twenty minutes.
Jeremy
Hey that was awesome, Gaylord.
Freddie
Shut up, Berman.
Jeremy
Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good.
Freddie
What did he say?
Jeremy
Well, roughly translated, it says, "My dearest son, each day you redeem me. May your journey be filled with the same joy, wisdom, and purpose you have given mine." It's a lot more beautiful in the original Klingon, but it's still really cool.
Lilith
Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more?
Frasier
Oh, I think I did. I've been trying to console myself with the idea that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no psychology. Poor kid.
Lilith
Actually, today he is a man.
Frasier
[putting his arm around her] He is, isn't he?
Gendler
[approaching them and taking their hands] Mazel Tov. You must be very proud - of your son, not yourselves.
Lilith
[as he exits] We are, thank you, Rabbi.
Frasier
Frederick, uh, listen, I-I'm-I want to apologize. Uh, there was this guy at the radio station. He was going to teach me Hebrew...
Freddie
You don't have to explain it, Dad.
Frasier
Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
Freddie
Berman translated your speech for me. It was pretty good.
Frasier
So you liked it?
Freddie
Yeah. I don't want to get all mushy or anything - I'm a little old for that now, but... you know.
Frasier
Yeah, I know. [they embrace]
Lilith
Can you forgive me?
Freddie
Yeah, for everything but naming me "Gaylord." [they hug]
Niles
[approaching] That was lovely.
Martin
[offstage] Hey everybody, look this way!
Niles
Oh, no, no...!