Bristle While You Work
Aired November 12, 2002 · Written by Tom Reeder · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Roz
Well I suppose you looked in the classifieds under "Housekeepers"?
Frasier
Check.
Roz
And you asked people in your building...
Frasier
Check.
Roz
And you called the employment agencies?
Frasier
Again, check.
Waiter
[snidely] I heard you the first time.
Roz
Who thought it'd be so hard to get to find someone to clean your house?
Frasier
Well, over the years Daphne's managed to scour her way into our hearts, so to speak. And I just don't want to hire someone who's only in it for the money.
Roz
So you want to find someone who's in it for the joy of cleaning?
Gil
Ah, may I?
Frasier
Of course, Gil.
Roz
Take a load off.
Gil
Oh, nice outfit, Roz. Somehow you and a peasant blouse just seem to go together.
Roz
[rising] Thanks. Haven't worn it for years. I mean, how long can something stay in the closet?
Frasier
Say, uh, Gil, are you pleased with your housekeeper?
Gil
Oh, you mean Chung?
Frasier
Mm-hmm.
Gil
Oh yes, he's marvelous. He's efficient, he's dependable and he still hasn't figured out American money. Between you and me, I told him when they made Lincoln's picture bigger it was worth more.
Frasier
Very funny. Do you suppose that your Man Friday might be available on a Monday or a Tuesday?
Gil
You want to steal my Chung!
Frasier
No, no. Not steal him, just, just borrow him for a day or two a week until I can re-staff.
Gil
Oh, a dangerous notion, Frasier. You know how employees gossip about their benefactors.
Frasier
Well, I have nothing to hide.
Gil
Yes, but suppose while on your premises he lets something slip about me and Deb and our heart-shaped bed?
Frasier
I would refuse to believe him.
Gil
Did I mention he's a drug mule?
Frasier
Oh, he is not! You're just saying that because you don't want to help me out!
Gil
Oh, such insight. It's a pity more people don't listen to your show.
Frasier
Thank you for coming, Mrs. Wilkins. Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth.
Frasier
...of Never! Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever find anyone that meets our standards.
Martin
You're being too picky. It's just housekeeping, not rocket science.
Daphne
I beg to differ. You don't even know half of what I used to do around here. Like dusting the plant leaves or rotating your underwear.
Martin
Excuse me?
Daphne
Every month I used to throw out your oldest pair and put in two new pairs. Did it ever occur to you that you didn't have to buy underwear in ten years?
Martin
Thought I got hold of a good batch.
Frasier
Now let's see, who is our front runner thus far?
Martin
Oh, I don't know, they're all the same to me.
Frasier
Honestly, Dad, I am starting to get the slightest bit chaffed with your attitude. You haven't even graded any of the candidates, you've simply doodled a war plane dropping bombs on a soldier.
Martin
That's not a soldier.
Frasier
Well, then why is he wearing a helmet?
Martin
It's not a helmet. It's someone with a big head!
Frasier
Yes?
Trish
Hi, I'm Trish Haney, I'm here about the housekeeper job? I'm really sorry I'm late.
Frasier
I had you down for over an hour ago.
Trish
I know. I got stuck in line waiting to buy tickets to the Sonics game this weekend.
Martin
Really? Come on in!
Trish
I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
Martin
Not everybody. Or his brother.
Trish
Wow, this is a beautiful place. Here's my resumé.
Frasier
Thank you. Won't you be seated. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, this is my father Martin Crane and this is my sister-in-law Daphne Crane. Now, I'll get right to the interview. First question: What is the best way to combat rings on a wooden table?
Trish
Um, I heard you can rub mayonnaise on it.
Frasier
The best way is to provide coasters. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Trish
[smiling] Started me out with a trick question. Right.
Martin
So, how do you think the Sonics will defend Carter?
Trish
Um, you have to have someone body up on him and then double team when he gets the ball.
Martin
Thank you.
Daphne
Trish, if the washing machine has a twenty-five minute cycle, and the dryer has a forty minute cycle, what time does the second load have to go in the washer to be done by five o'clock?
Trish
Uh, well, that's sixty-five minutes, so 3:55.
Daphne
You may want to take some time to think about these questions before...
Frasier
Daphne, she's right.
Daphne
[taken aback] Well done.
Martin
Hey, I got a question: Can you clean a house?
Trish
Yes, and if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good.
Martin
Next question: Can you start Monday?
Frasier
[laughing] Well, we're getting just a bit ahead of ourselves. We still have several people to meet.
Frasier
Thank you for coming by.
Trish
Oh, sure. That was the interview, huh? Two questions.
Frasier
Well, it was really more of a pre-screening. We'll be sure to let you know.
Trish
Oh, just to let you know, I'll be out of town until the first.
Frasier
Fine, then I'll be sure to call you the second.
Frasier
...I lose my mind!
Martin
What? What was wrong with her?
Frasier
In the first place, she showed up late. She doesn't take the interview seriously, how can we expect her to take the job seriously?
Martin
Oh, you just don't like her because she's not all stuffy.
Daphne
She did seem a bit cheeky.
Martin
Which YOU never were.
Frasier
Well, I'm afraid so far our best candidate is the young man from Jeepers Sweepers.
Martin
I will move out if you hire that prancing moron.
Frasier
All right, fine. Who would you hire? This, this Trish, I suppose.
Martin
Well, I was right about Daphne. Doesn't that count for anything? You didn't even want to hire her, you thought she might steal.
Daphne
Did you really say that?!
Frasier
Of course not! I don't remember.
Martin
Well whoever gets hired is someone I'm gonna have to spend a lot of time with, and I don't need a lot of quiz questions and score sheets to get a feel for someone's character.
Daphne
Did I look like a thief? Was it me shifty eyes?
Martin
Look, if you don't trust my judgment, Frasier, just have the guts to say so.
Frasier
You know, all right, fine. You can hire whoever you want to. You want this Trish, fine, call her.
Martin
Right. I'll call her right now and tell her she's hired.
Daphne
And I'll tell her where you keep your valuables.
Frasier
Oh, would you give it a rest?!
Roz
Hey, Niles, have a seat.
Niles
Oh, thank you.
Niles
[to waiter] I'll have my usual. Oh no, bottled water, room temperature.
Roz
Gee, slow down, little man, what are we celebrating?
Niles
I can't drink anything that's too hot, I have a toothache.
Roz
Oh. You been to the dentist?
Niles
Yes. He said the tooth is perfectly healthy but I still have this throbbing pain. I think I may have to go to the doctor.
Roz
Oh, it's probably just a sinus infection. Have you had a cold lately?
Niles
Couple of weeks ago, yes, but I'm over it.
Roz
That's probably what it is, a sinus infection. Happens to me all the time.
Niles
In all likelihood, I'm sure you're right. Thank you.
Roz
Of course I'm right. What else could it be?
Niles
Actually a toothache can be referred pain from something else.
Roz
"Referred pain."
Niles
That's right. For example, if I had a heart condition, I might not have pain in my chest, I might have pain in my tooth. You see, referred pain. So while you're probably right about the sinus infection, let's not discount the one in ten thousand chance that it might be something more serious.
Roz
Oh, now I get it. So the pain in my butt might actually be coming from across the table.
Niles
Something like that, yes. [He glances at the bottle top.] Oh look! I'm the winner of a fanny pack.
Roz
Congratulations.
Niles
Thank you.
Roz
You have no idea what it is, do you?
Niles
Not really, no.
Roz
Hey, look: it says here the odds of winning it are one in ten thousand. Ooh, spooky. Same odds as that toothache being a heart attack. Maybe it's a sign.
Niles
It's a good sign. By beating those odds once it makes it that much more unlikely that something so improbable can happen to me again.
Woman
Niles!
Other Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Niles
Okay, that's weird.
Martin
So, that's the grand tour.
Trish
Hard to know where to start. I don't have much time before I have to go.
Martin
What? You leavin' already?
Trish
Yeah, I have this lunch thing. I hope you don't mind.
Martin
Well...
Trish
The problem is, it's this friend that I've been putting off because I've been too busy, but now I finally don't have any excuse. We're gonna try that new rib place down in Bell Town.
Martin
Oh, I hear that's great.
Trish
Yeah, I can bring you back a great big bag of them. But enough chit chat, I've got dishes to do.
Martin
Hold on, can I offer a suggestion?
Trish
You're the boss.
Martin
What Daphne did was put a load of laundry in first and that way you can do two things at once.
Trish
Okay. Although I prefer to do laundry at the end of the day, and that way I can read when the clothes are in the dryer. I mean it's about the only "me time" I have on this job.
Niles
Hey, Dad, ready for breakfast?
Martin
Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't go.
Niles
Well, we didn't invite you. You called us and badgered us until we rearranged our schedule.
Martin
Well, that was before Trish came. I really think I should hang around and show her the ropes.
Daphne
Maybe you should show her where the room freshener is. It smells like stale cigars in here.
Martin
Yeah, I had some of the guys in last night for poker. Oh, hey! Niles, check this out. I've got a great new card trick.
Niles
[resigned] Oh, goody.
Martin
Yeah, it's called "The Amazing Niles." Or "The Amazing..." whoever you're doing the trick with. Like, if I was doing it with Daphne, it'd be "The Amazing Daphne." Or if I was doing it with Frasier, it'd be...
Niles
"The Amazing Frasier", yeah, I get it, Dad.
Martin
Yeah. That's just my patter.
Martin
Okay, Amazing Niles, I want you to draw the ace of spades out of this deck.
Niles
[humoring him] Ah, something tells me that it's going to be this one right here.
Martin
Ladies and gentlemen, he drew the ace of spades!
Daphne
Amazing, Amazing Niles.
Martin
Isn't that a great trick?
Daphne
Hey, wait a minute. How come this deck only has aces of spades?
Martin
What? No, THIS is the trick...
Martin
Wait a minute, this isn't the trick deck. Holy cow!
Niles
What?
Martin
You just drew the card I asked you for. What are the odds? I wonder if you can do it again.
Niles
No, no. Only one performance a day.
Daphne
Is something wrong?
Niles
What? No. You know, since we're not going to have breakfast, maybe we should go.
Daphne
All right. That way we can pick up your car from the shop.
Martin
What happened to your car?
Niles
[quietly] Got struck by lightning.
Trish
Okay, washer's running as we speak. Anything else before I go?
Martin
You're going to lunch now? It's only ten.
Trish
Already? Ugh, I guess the dishes'll have to wait. I've got a couple of errands to run and then I have a hair appointment.
Martin
Trish, I'm a little surprised that you're takin' off like this.
Trish
Yeah. I'm a little surprised too. I thought my first day would be more like orientation, you know? Show me around, explain my duties, and then I start work the next day.
Martin
Why would you think that?
Trish
It's been that way every other place I've worked. And I've had a lot of jobs.
Martin
Well, listen Trish, I kinda went out on a limb for you and I'll never hear the end of it from my son if you let me down.
Trish
Don't worry, you are not gonna regret hiring me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be like the White Tornado. Remember those commercials, the White Tornado? That'll be me, ten o'clock.
Martin
So, you're not comin' back after lunch?
Trish
Oh, trust me, you don't want me cleaning this place drunk. And that reminds me, I don't work Mondays. Gosh, you know, I better get going. If I'm late to this lunch, how's that gonna look?
Martin
Well, what about the laundry?
Trish
Oh, ten o'clock tomorrow. Along with those ribs.
Frasier
Well, I hear the washer going. I assume that means our new employee is hard at it.
Martin
Oh, yeah, she's like the White Tornado.
Frasier
Dad, you know your basketball references go right over my head. You know, she's certainly got her work cut out for her, cleaning up this mess you and your buddies made last night.
Martin
Well, you don't have to worry about it, she's all about the work.
Frasier
Listen, Dad, I think I owe you an apology.
Martin
For what?
Frasier
Well, for thinking I was a better judge of people than you are. I just want you to know that I do trust your judgment. Maybe I don't say that often enough. Anyway, I hope you can forgive me.
Martin
There's nothing to forgive, Son.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later.
Martin
[getting up] Not now, boy. We've got an apartment to clean.
Roz
Hi, Niles. How's it goin'?
Niles
I'm as good as dead! [sitting] I've been doing research into my family health history: my great-uncle Timothy keeled over from a heart attack at my age.
Niles
[urgently] Bottled water. Please.
Roz
Are you talking about that tooth again?
Niles
It's still throbbing, thank you! Which means my heart is probably on its last legs.
Roz
Come on, Niles, you said it was a one in a million chance.
Niles
One in ten thousand. And I've been beating those odds all week. I don't believe in omens, but these are getting harder and harder to ignore.
Roz
So are you.
Niles
I flipped a coin seventeen times last night and every time it came up tails! I only stopped because I was getting a blister.
Niles
Thank you.
Roz
How does Daphne put up with all this?
Niles
I haven't told her about it. Because, unlike you, she'd worry about me.
Roz
Get your heart checked. And stop obsessing about it.
Niles
I'm going to. In all probability, there's a perfectly reasonable expla...
Roz
What?
Niles
I won another fanny pack!
Martin
No, I'm not mad at you, Trish, I'm just a little disappointed. Well, yesterday was your neighbor's funeral and today you got the flu. No, I kinda believe you, but you know this apartment doesn't clean itself, so... huh? Okay. Tomorrow, nine sharp. Ten? Okay. I'll see you when you get here.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake!
Martin
Hey, careful there mister. You're gonna get water all over the clean floor.
Frasier
Well, maybe you can have Trish wax this floor tomorrow.
Martin
She already did. It took her two hours. And it just took you two seconds to mess it up and start complaining.
Frasier
Well I'm not complaining, Dad, but look at these streaks here. It's like she never waxed a floor before.
Martin
All you do is nag, nag, nag! Meanwhile she tried a new fabric softener on your sweater and you didn't even notice!
Frasier
Well, my sweaters are supposed to be dry-cleaned.
Martin
Oh.
Frasier
Oh, and remind me to say something to her about flipping my mattress.
Martin
What the hell are you trying to do, kill her?
Frasier
Easy, easy. Dad, there's no reason to get all riled up. My God, you're actually perspiring.
Martin
Well I just think some people around here don't realize how hard she works.
Frasier
Well, I'll say this much: the place does smell lemony fresh.
Martin
That shows what you know. It's country breeze.
Niles
Daphne, I have to go out for a while.
Daphne
All right.
Niles
No place out of the ordinary, just... out.
Daphne
Okay. See you later.
Niles
[voice over of thoughts] I can't believe this is happening. After all those misspent years of frustration and yearning, I finally find the fulfillment of my dreams only to have it snatched away. Look at her. She's so beautiful, so perfect. She deserves nothing but happiness. I hope, when I'm gone, she's able to make a life with someone else. After a suitable period of mourning, of course.
Daphne
Niles?
Niles
[emotionally] Yes, my love?
Daphne
[firmly] WHEN are you going to change the paper in the bottom of the bird cage, hmm? I've asked you three times already.
Niles
Soon as I get back.
Niles
[v.o.] Maybe when I'm gone, Her Majesty can muck out her own birdcage.
Martin
Hey, Fras, sorry to bother ya. Trish was wondering where you keep the silver polish. Right, I told her about that tarnish on your shrimp fork.
Martin
She suggested a place you could keep it where the air won't get to it.
Frasier
Really. Perhaps she and I could have a discussion about that.
Martin
What are you doin' here?
Frasier
Well, my lunch cancelled, I thought I might drop by, see if you might like to join me for a bite.
Martin
Oh, sure, love to. Let me get my coat.
Frasier
Right, I'll just tell Trish that we're leaving. Where is she?
Martin
Oh, uh, she's in the powder room. Let's go.
Frasier
Actually, Dad, I'd rather wait. You see, I wanted to discuss a new vacuuming pattern with her.
Martin
Well, actually, Fras, this might not be a good time. That shrimp fork thing really set her off. She kinda went to pieces and locked herself in there.
Frasier
She did? I had no idea she was so fragile.
Martin
Well, she'll get over it. She just needs to be alone for a while, she'll be fine. [calling] Bye, Trish!
Frasier
No, no, Dad. You know, if I've hurt her feelings, then it is incumbent upon me to apologize.
Martin
Well...
Frasier
Trish, it's Dr. Crane. Could you come out here, please? I'd like to have a word with you.
Martin
The old silent treatment. Well, two can play that game. Let's go.
Frasier
No, no, Dad, why don't you talk to her?
Martin
Oh, I don't think so.
Frasier
Please, Dad, she likes you. Please.
Martin
Uh, Trish? Hi, it's Marty. Listen, I know you're upset, but I'd like to talk to you. Um, would you unlock the door?
Martin
Thatta girl.
Martin
All right, you just take all the time you need.
Martin
She accepted your apology but she just wants to be alone for a little while, so let's go.
Frasier
Dad, I really should apologize to her in person.
Martin
Well, I don't think this is the time.
Frasier
Why not?
Martin
Well, you have been pretty critical.
Frasier
Well, you know, I also think that she's made some real improvements around here. Tell her that.
Martin
She wants an example.
Frasier
How should I know? Make something up.
Martin
Oh, no wonder she's mad, you ungrateful sonofabitch!
Martin
All right, see you later. Well, now I think you made things worse. It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't come in tomorrow.
Martin
You didn't tell me you had a sister.
Frasier
Dad! All right, what the hell is going on?
Trish
No idea. I just came by for my paycheck.
Martin
Well, uh, I got some bad news about that, Trish. I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to let you go.
Trish
Oh. Okay, but you still owe me for the days I was supposed to be here last week.
Martin
Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first.
Martin
...asteroid hits Earth!
Niles
Okay, lay it on me. I'm prepared for the worst. Is it my heart?
Doctor
I'm afraid so.
Niles
Ah-ha!
Niles
What?
Doctor
There is an anomaly in your EKG. I'm gonna have to check you into the hospital.
Niles
Oh, uh, well, hmm. Uh, I guess I can clear my schedule. How's, how's tomorrow afternoon?
Doctor
No, no. Niles? You need to go right now.