Rooms With a View
Aired November 19, 2002 · Written by Dan O'Shannon, Lori Kirkland & Bob Daily · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Niles
Oh, this one's from your mom. A kitten in a basket of yarn. [He opens it to read.] "Dear Niles, I know we haven't always gotten along..."
Niles
Wasn't that sweet of her?
Frasier
Hey, Niles, look what I found in the parking lot.
Roz
Hi, Niles. It's good to see you. [crossing to Daphne] How's he doing?
Daphne
The doctor says he's doing just great.
Roz
Well, he looks just great. [whispering to Daphne] Why is he so pale?
Niles
[who's heard her, whispering] He's always this pale.
Daphne
I'll take those.
Frasier
Well, Niles, you've got quite an impressive array of flowers here. Oh, dear lord, who sent mums?
Niles
Those are from Jaime, [pronounced hi-may] our squash valet.
Frasier
Really? You know, when I had the flu, Jaime didn't send me so much as a card.
Niles
You didn't have the flu, you barely had the sniffles.
Frasier
I almost threw up. Who knows, mums might have been just the thing to cheer me up. I guess we'll never know now, will we?
Roz
I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Niles
Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.
Roz
No, I meant...
Niles
Oh, right, the... umm... [pointing at his chest] Yes, well, thank you. Who knew all those years of fois gras and brie would finally catch up with me.
Daphne
You know, Frasier, you might want to get yourself checked out. You eat a lot of that stuff too.
Frasier
Yes, but I also drink a lot of red wine. Now, Niles, you'll be happy to know that your prognosis is excellent. I have done some research. I have detailed the procedures and made copies for each of you. Here we are.
Frasier
I also took the liberty of checking out your surgeon. A fine choice. True, he did have a few brushes with the law. As an undergrad. And I think you all know how I feel about Tulane's medical school.
Frasier
But, on the bright side, he has been extensively published and his reputation is stellar. Now, if you'll all please turn to page seventeen in your handouts... you know, where is Dad?
Daphne
He stepped outside for some coffee.
Frasier
I specifically used layman's terms for his benefit. Oh, all right.
Roz
How's he handling all this?
Niles
He's positively chirpy. In other words, he's terrified.
Frasier
Yes, when we were kids, whenever one of us was sick or hurt, Dad would try to keep us from worrying by pretending the problem didn't even exist.
Niles
Nonchalance was his coping mechanism.
Frasier
[sitting on the edge of the bed] Things always turned out all right, though. It will this time, too.
Roz
[to Daphne] How are you holding up?
Daphne
Well, you know...
Roz
You know what? I think you should think of something really cool to do when all this is over. Like a big trip. That way you can have something good to focus on.
Daphne
I can't think about that right now.
Martin
What the hey! Still in bed? It's nine in the morning. Up and at 'em, lazy bones.
Ling
Hello, I'm your anesthesiologist, Doctor Ling. How are you feeling today?
Niles
Hello.
Martin
Ah, don't let this faker fool you, he's just tryin' to get out of work.
Ling
If you're feeling at all anxious, I can give you a mild sedative.
Niles
No, thanks.
Frasier
Are you sure, Niles? Dr. Ling went to Duke.
Daphne
Hello? Can I ask who's calling? Just a minute, please.
Daphne
It's Maris. Do you want me to make up an excuse?
Niles
No, that's okay, I'll talk to her.
Niles
Hello? Well, yes, how'd you hear? Ah, Jaime is a bit of a gossip. Luckily they discovered the blockage before I had a major event. Well thank you. That wasn't the nurse, that was my wife. Yes, Daphne. Uh, we were married a couple months ago. No, well, ah it's not really my fault you didn't know. Sounds to me like your argument is with Jaime. Well, if it makes you feel any better, we didn't invite anyone.
Niles
Dr. Ling?
Niles
[whispers] Give me the drugs.
Niles
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well yes, of course we invited him, he's my brother. Uh, yes, William Sonoma and Tiffany's. [to Dr. Ling] Keep it coming.
Ling
Now in just a few moments, we'll be ready to wheel you down to the OR.
Frasier
He'll receive general anesthesia once he's on the operating table. Now, if you'd like to follow along in your handouts, I could take you through the first steps of the procedure.
Daphne
The doctor explained everything to us yesterday.
Frasier
Yes, but did he have a mnemonic verse that goes along to the tune of "Camp Town Races"?
Schafer
Hello.
Frasier
[getting up] Ah, Doctor Schafer. I was just explaining my brother's procedure to my family. I'll hand the floor over to you.
Schafer
Thank you...
Frasier
Frasier. Dr. Crane.
Schafer
Oh, great. [to Niles] Once you're under, we'll begin by inserting some tubes to monitor your blood pressure. Then, while one team harvests the saphenous vein from your right leg, I'll be opening up your chest.
Frasier
Excuse me. If I may, wouldn't a mid-cab be less invasive? I have done some research in the matter and I believe that is the prevailing methodology.
Schafer
Well, you may have read about that in Reader's Digest, but a mid-cab is only appropriate for a limited blockage.
Frasier
My source is not Reader's Digest. It is a Harvard colleague. Harvard being my alma mater. HARVARD. And if I'm not mistaken, the blockage is in the left anterior descending artery.
Schafer
And the right coronary. Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
Frasier
And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Schafer
Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
Frasier
Maybe I should!
Niles
Dad...
Martin
Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
Frasier
Suit yourself.
Ling
Maybe it would be best if everyone stepped out while Dr. Schafer talks to the patient.
Schafer
Mrs. Crane, you're welcome to stay.
Frasier
Niles, I'll, I'll see you before they wheel you in.
Frasier
Well, I'll tell you one thing about that Dr. Schafer's people skills: I am not a fan.
Martin
Oh, will you leave it alone? You're being a big pain.
Frasier
Yes, well I happen to know a thing or...
Frasier
A thing or two about bypass surgery, he was totally condescending to me.
Martin
He was just trying to let you know who's in charge. I'm sure at the first sign of trouble, he'll run right out here to consult with you.
Roz
This is so weird. I mean, twenty-four hours ago, we didn't even know anything was wrong with Niles. It just goes to show, you can't take a second for granted.
Martin
You sure can't. You can't take people for granted, either. You just never know.
Frasier
That's true. That's why you should always tell the people you love just how much they mean to you.
Roz
Well, I hope you guys know how much I care about you.
Martin
Oh, geez, sure we do. And we care about you, too.
Frasier
Of course, Roz, you're like family. And Dad, I hope you know I love you. Even at your most difficult.
Martin
Well I love you too, Son, even when you treat me like a child.
Roz
Frasier bosses everyone around. It's just his way.
Frasier
Well, perhaps if people behaved more competently, I wouldn't be so bossy.
Martin
Maybe you wouldn't be so bossy if you didn't always focus on how everybody else behaves.
Roz
That'd be the day.
Frasier
Yes, well, maybe that's because human behavior is my profession.
Martin
Well, you can take a day off once in a while.
Roz
No kidding.
Frasier
Who asked you, Roz?
Daphne
Niles is going off to surgery soon. Come and wish him well.
Frasier
You know, we really should tell her how much she means to us, too.
Daphne
How you feeling?
Niles
I'm a little woozy. Maybe I should lie down. Oh, now Daphne, you know all the important papers are in my top left hand drawer...
Daphne
Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.
Niles
Okay, Daphne. You know, Daphne, they do these procedures hundreds of times.
Daphne
I know.
Niles
Okay. It's practically routine, Daphne.
Daphne
Why do you keep saying my name?
Niles
I just want to say it as many times as I can... Daphne.
Martin
What? Still in bed? Will you look at this goldbrick? Well, if you're gonna be loafin' around all day, you might as well have somethin' to read. I know how you love your Archies.
Niles
Thanks, Dad. Oh, a Jughead Double Digest.
Martin
I'll be here waiting for you. I love you, Son.
Niles
I love you, too.
Niles
Frasier, I have a confession to make. Remember when we were kids and I was wearing your opera cape and you pushed me down the stairs?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
You didn't push me. I jumped. I was trying to fly like a Valkyrie.
Frasier
It's not important right now. It's important you get well, all right?
Orderly
Dr. Crane? Mrs. Crane? It's that time. Okay, we're gonna need you to slide over.
Niles
Boy, a hospital is an interesting place, isn't it?
Frasier
How so, Niles?
Niles
Oh, all roads lead to the hospital. We're born here, we get sick here, we get well here. All these big dramatic moments and the hospital just gobbles 'em up. Do you think a hospital has memories? I bet it does. I bet when I walked in it thought "Oh, you again. You're the little boy who broke his leg in 1966. Hello, old friend." Wow, a talking hospital. That would be cool. When are these drugs going to kick in? I don't even know why I need surgery. This is the best I've felt in years.
Niles
Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne...
Orderly
Okay, you ready to take a little trip?
Frasier
I think he already is.
Daphne
Can I just have a second?
Orderly
Of course.
Daphne
I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles
Promise?
Daphne
I promise.
Martin
What do you mean, you don't like Archie? It's a riot. You got your Jughead, your Reggie, your Mr. Weatherby...
Niles
Please stop crying, Maris. The doctor can always cut off more next time.
Daphne
I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles
Promise?
Daphne
Promise.
Martin
[thumbing through a magazine] How come these places never have any magazines for men? It's all hairdos and recipes and butt exercises.
Frasier
I was just thinking about what Niles said about the hospital and the things that happen here.
Martin
Oh, geez, would you look at this: "Ten Saucy Secrets to Please Him in Bed." You know damn well there are only four. The rest are just do-si-dos.
Frasier
It's like the whole tapestry of life keeps replaying itself in these four walls.
Martin
[still reading] I used to bust people for that one.
Frasier
You didn't hear a word I said, did you?
Martin
Yeah, I did. Hospital, tapestry of life... [covering] Whoa! Nice kitchen.
Frasier
You're a sentimental fool, Dad.
Martin
Well, here he is. Frasier, say hello to your new brother.
Frasier
I don't like him.
Martin
Remember when you were little and you convinced Niles that we were all figments of his imagination and the whole world was just in is mind?
Frasier
I told him we disappeared whenever he left the room.
Martin
Yeah, for months afterwards he was always darting into rooms to make sure we were still there. Scared the crap out of me, I was ready to kill you.
Frasier
What made you think of that?
Martin
I don't know, I'm just thinking about Niles.
Frasier
Well he must be all right, we're all still here.
Daphne
I don't think I've ever been this frightened in my whole life.
Frasier
[grabbing his folder] Well, Daph, according to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump by now, all the blockages have been bypassed, and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
Martin
How can you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
Frasier
Because the human heart was not designed by some idiot in Japan.
Roz
You know, Frasier, maybe now is not the perfect time to go into detail.
Daphne
It's all right, Roz.
Frasier
You see, she knows. Knowledge is our ally against anxiety. Which happens to be the theme of today's "Best of Crane" which is being broadcast over the airwaves right this moment.
Roz
Oh yeah, they're piping it into the operating room instead of using anesthesia.
Frasier
Very funny, Roz.
Roz
Oh, I hope the doctors have their earplugs in so they don't fall asleep too.
Frasier
All right, we get it.
Roz
Seriously, if I was ever gonna rob a bank and wanted to knock out the guards...
Frasier
All right, Roz.
Martin
Hey, is that a Chunky in there?
Frasier
Looks like one.
Martin
Been a long time since I've seen one of those. What are they asking for it?
Frasier
Looks like it's eighty-five cents.
Martin
Oh. Does it only take the exact change?
Frasier
Looks like there's a dollar slot.
Martin
Oh, all I have is a ten. Will it take a ten?
Frasier
Why don't you get off your ass and look?
Roz
They usually just take singles.
Martin
Oh. Anybody have a single?
Frasier
How can you think about eating now?
Martin
What would you rather have me think about?
Roz
I'll get you some change.
Martin
Oh, thanks, Roz.
Roz
Sittin' way too long, anyway.
Roz
Excuse me... [reading her name tag] Colleen? Do you have any ones?
Colleen
I think so, let me check.
Roz
Thanks.
Roz
Excuse me.
Colleen
Can I help you?
Roz
Yes. There's something wrong with my baby. She has a little rash on her cheek. I looked in the book, and I don't think it's chicken pox. But it does look a little like scarlet fever.
Colleen
Is this your first child?
Roz
Yes, why?
Colleen
I think this is lipstick.
Colleen
Will fives do?
Roz
No, I'm afraid I need ones.
Roz
Oh, thank God.
Roz
Oh, look at that. That's probably how it happened. Thank you... [reading her name tag] Colleen. I won't forget you.
Colleen
I'm sorry. All I've got are fives.
Roz
Oh, thanks anyway.
Colleen
Do I know you?
Roz
I don't think so.
Colleen
Are you sure?
Roz
Trust me. I'm really good with faces.
Nurse
Mrs. Crane?
Daphne
Yes.
Nurse
Your husband's doing well. He's off the pump and his heart is beating on its own.
Frasier
[rising] How's his blood pressure?
Nurse
One hundred over sixty.
Frasier
Could be better. Did you thoroughly suction the cardioplegic solution? See, I'm a doctor.
Nurse
Oh, yes, Dr. Schafer told me about you. He said if you started asking me questions, I should do this.
Frasier
Oh, I get it! Very nice!
Roz
Well, that's good news, right?
Roz
They didn't have any change.
Martin
Oh, shoot.
Martin
What ya reading, Daph?
Daphne
I have no idea. I must have read the same paragraph ten times. I don't know how you're getting through this.
Martin
Well, it's not like the old days when heart surgery was a big thing. Nowadays they do it so much it's like goin' in for a hair cut. Read the paper and wait 'til he's done.
Daphne
But aren't you scared?
Martin
I wonder if that guy has a dollar. [rising] I bet he does. Excuse me.
Daphne
Oh, no!
Frasier
What, Daph?
Daphne
[rising] I don't believe this. Excuse me.
Frasier
What?
Daphne
I was supposed to bring Niles' cell phone, in case any of his patients call so I can refer them to Doctor Wells. Now I'm going to be calling his stupid cell phone every two minutes to check his mailbox.
Frasier
Well, here, let's use my cell phone, all right? We can take turns calling.
Daphne
He asked me to do this one simple thing and I forgot. I'm such an idiot.
Frasier
Now don't go beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. Come on, I'll dial first.
Frasier
Now look, Niles, as far as Dad knows, I had nothing to do with your leg breaking, right?
Niles
You pushed me.
Frasier
Yes, and in exchange for your silence, you'll get ten of my records. Any ones you want.
Niles
Even the Shostakovich?
Frasier
Not that one!
Niles
Then forget it.
Frasier
Okay, fine.
Frasier
Sign here and initial here.
Martin
You still in bed, Mr. Lazybones? Well, if you're going to lie around all day, I've got you something to read.
Niles
The Charterhouse of Parma?
Martin
Better: Archie!
Martin
Well, hello Chunky!
Frasier
I beg your pardon?
Martin
I got some change.
Frasier
Congratulations.
Martin
Hey, is that a Marathon Bar? Oh, geez, now I don't know what to get.
Frasier
You should go with your first instinct, Dad.
Martin
But I haven't had a Marathon Bar in years.
Frasier
All right, then get a Marathon Bar.
Martin
Come to think of it, I think they quit making Marathon Bars back in the '80s.
Frasier
Then you should get a Chunky.
Martin
Uh, although, I kinda want to get a Marathon Bar just to see what it looks like on the inside.
Frasier
All right, just get the Chunky!
Martin
All right.
Martin
Hey!
Frasier
What?
Martin
It's stuck! Great! You had to have Chunky!
Frasier
Oh, all right, I'll get it.
Roz
What is going on?!
Martin
We have a stuck Chunky.
Roz
Well, why did Chunky stick his arm in there?
Frasier
Not me, the candy! I give up.
Roz
Don't worry Martin. I'll stop by tomorrow and get us some Godiva.
Martin
But I want my Chunky!
Daphne
Excuse me.
Daphne
Chunky, was it?
Roz
Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine.
Orderly
Do I need to call security here?
Frasier
Uh, no, it's all right. I'm sorry about this, kind of a tough time.
Orderly
All right, but keep this area clear until I can get it cleaned up.
Frasier
Right. And we'll pay for this.
Martin
[holding up the Chunky] And I already paid for this.
Frasier
Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24-C...
Daphne
He's not a diagram! He's my husband and he's lying on an operating table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified!
Roz
Daphne, it's okay. Just calm down. You know when this is all over we're...
Daphne
There IS no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year! There's nothing until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!
Frasier
Daphne...
Martin
Why don't you sit down, Son?
Martin
Nobody meant anything. It's hard as hell for all of us to be here.
Daphne
I know. It's just... I hate hospitals. I hate them. I hate all of this.
Martin
I know.
Doctor
I'm afraid your wife's x-rays don't look good.
Roz
Waiting is the hardest part.
Daphne
Niles? You did great. The doctor said it went even better than he expected. I am so proud of you.
Nurse
He'll be out all night. Why don't you get something to eat?
Daphne
I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles
Say hello to your new sister.
Daphne
Look, she's smiling at you.