Don't Go Breaking My Heart (Part 3)
Aired November 26, 2002 · Written by Bob Daily · Directed by Jerry Zaks
Skyline
Red, yellow, and blue balloons fly over the city.
Roz
So what's the plan? Are we going to turn off the lights and jump out and yell "surprise!"
Frasier
Oh yes, Roz, let's startle a man who just had open-heart surgery.
Roz
Sorry, I can't get used to thinking of Niles as "sick."
Martin
Oh, Niles is great. All these exercises he's doing, he's going to be just as strong as he ever was.
Daphne
Here's the guest of honor.
Frasier
Niles, good to see you out and about!
Roz
You look great!
Niles
Thank you! Thank you, I tell you it's good to be out after being cooped up in that apartment all week. Hello. [He pets Eddie.] I never thought I'd grow tired of reading Flaubert.
Gertrude
Oh please, he's been parked on his ass watching The Young and the Restless.
Frasier
Niles! Not the soaps! You can't be serious.
Niles
Well, I'm hardly hooked. They fascinate me as-as cultural artifact. I was just telling Gertrude
Gertrude
Now do you see why I need my own telly, Daphne.
Daphne
[bitingly] You have your own telly in Manchester.
Frasier
Here's champagne and sparkling cider for you, Niles. and help yourself to brunch whenever you're ready.
Martin
Word to the wise: stay away from the sausage.
Frasier
They're not sausages, Dad, they're "soysages." Niles is on a postoperative diet. We are trying to support him.
Martin
Oh, sorry. What about the bacon?
Frasier
[grinning] "Fake-un."
Niles
Okay, everyone, I'd like to propose a toast. [they all rise] To my family and friends, your love and support have been overwhelming.
Daphne
Oh, Niles.
Niles
You know, during my operation, I was technically dead for several minutes.
Martin
Yes, we know son, you told us.
Niles
But, it gave me a fresh perspective on everything. It took a brush with death to remind me how lucky I am to be alive.
Frasier
Well done.
Niles
And Gertrude, thank you for giving up the guest bedroom so that I don't have to climb all those stairs.
Gertrude
Oh, no, I'm happy to sleep on that sofa bed with its hard metal frame.
Daphne
You have a nice soft bed in Manchester.
Niles
Oh, Daphne, it's okay. Her bracing honesty reminds me that I'm alive. You... you... oh, you! [He tightly embraces Gertrude.] You are a treasure to me. I cherish every day we're together.
Gertrude
Oh, thank you, Niles! There may be others around here who could benefit from a near-death experience.
Frasier
Well, let's eat before the fake-un loses its shape.
Roz
Wow! Niles is really loving life with a vengeance.
Martin
Yeah, I was the same way after I got shot. My first day back at the precinct I went around hugging all the guys telling them all I loved them.
Roz
How long did that last?
Martin
Until they started calling me "Martina."
Roz
It is kind of weird seeing Niles all lovey-dovey with Mrs. Moon.
Martin
Believe me, when you're in that state, you can find something to love even in the biggest jerk.
Niles
[from the table] Roz, I want to tell you, you are a treasure. Maybe I don't say it often enough, but you are.
Roz
[as Martin opens his mouth] Shut up, Martina!
Roz
Hi. I know that song.
Frasier
Yes, Mozart Symphony No. 40: Molto Allegro. I just bought this new recording for Niles. It is fantastic. I've never heard such string articulation.
Roz
Oh, I remember what it is! It's that commercial with the singing cats. [singing to the Mozart theme] "If your cat has a yearning for tuna, Da-da-da, Da-da Ocean Buffet, Da-da- da..." One of the cats was wearing a tiny tuxedo.
Frasier
Good! So few cats dress for the symphony anymore.
Daphne
Frasier, Roz.
Frasier
Oh, hi guys!
Daphne
Guess who just walked a mile on the treadmill?
Roz
Oh way to go, Niles!
Daphne
The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile of patients recovering from bypass surgery.
Frasier
95th percentile! That's wonderful, Niles!
Niles
Well, now Frasier, good health is not a competition! When you've heard time's winged chariot hurrying here, as I have, every day is a gift. [noticing Frasier's CD] Oh, yoiks, what tone-deaf prankster gave you this?
Frasier
[taken aback, but controlled] You've...heard it?
Niles
Well, as much as I could bear. Did you hear what the conductor did to the Andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.
Frasier
I couldn't agree more, Niles.
Roz
[shocked] Frasier, you said you loved that CD.
Frasier
Well, Niles has convinced my otherwise.
Daphne
You know, I'm in the mood for a scone. Help me pick one out.
Niles
All right. [they walk to the counter]
Roz
That was weird.
Frasier
I'll say. Who can't pick out their own scone?
Roz
No. I mean you and Niles. Usually that would have been a two-hour argument ending in tears and cursing in Italian.
Frasier
I'm afraid those days are over, Roz.
Roz
What happened?
Frasier
Well, it's a long story. Okay. When Niles was in the hospital and he was being wheeled into surgery [he shakes his head with foreboding] he looked so frail and vulnerable, so I... I took my case to a higher power.
Frasier
[v.o.] Hello, God. It's me, Dr. Frasier Crane. Though I don't talk to you as often as I should, I want to thank you for all the times you've indulged me in the past - although I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club. Just kidding. Anyway, today I ask you to look after my brother Niles Crane. I love him, even if I don't always show it, and I regret all the time he and I have wasted in petty quarrels. If you spare him, Oh Lord, I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
Roz
But Frasier, you don't think God is going to strike Niles down if you get in an argument, do you?
Frasier
Well, technically, the way it's structured, he'd come after me, seeing as I was the one who initiated the deal, you see. If I'd had more time, I might have worded things differently, but...
Niles
Oh, oh, uh, let's get this to go. My soap starts in twenty minutes. Ashley might come out of her coma today.
Daphne
You know, since your recovery's going so well, maybe we should check you out, make sure all your equipment's working properly.
Niles
You're not talking about my exercise bicycle, are you?
Daphne
Mmm-mmm. The doctor said it would be OK. If you need a second opinion, maybe Nurse Naughty could make a house call.
Niles
I could use a checkup... but I think we should err on the Side of caution. In a few weeks, I have another stress test. [to the waiter] Thank you. And if all goes well, Nurse Naughty will be one satisfied health care professional.
Niles
See you.
Daphne
Bye.
Frasier
Bye guys.
Roz
Bye. Oh, Niles, wait. Frasier says the string articulation is really good.
Niles
In this? Frasier, you know I hold your opinion in highest regard, but are you nuts?
Frasier
Perhaps I am, Niles, thank you.
Niles
Maybe you just need to get your hearing checked.
Frasier
I'll do that. Thank you, Niles.
Niles
[loudly] I'll see you later!
Frasier
Very amusing! I get it. Ha ha.
Niles
Oh, oh, here they are. Frasier, tell them what you told me.
Frasier
[glaring at Niles and forcing a smile] Freud is the poor man's Jung.
Niles
I never thought I'd live to see the day. Perhaps this is why I was spared.
Daphne
Niles, how was your stress test?
Niles
Oh, uh, the doctor cleared me for normal food and-and regular physical activity.
Daphne
[embracing him excitedly] Oh, Darling, that's wonderful!
Niles
Yes, you know, in moderation, of course.
Martin
Congratulations, son.
Niles
Thanks.
Frasier
You know, perhaps now, Niles, we can get back to the squash courts.
Niles
Oh, I don't think so.
Frasier
But the doctor said it was OK.
Niles
Yes, but shouldn't there be more to life than competition for useless bragging rights?
Frasier
You didn't think they were useless three months ago when you won. You bragged for three months.
Niles
I've changed a lot since then. The point is that I have roses to stop and smell.
Frasier
I see, so let me get this straight. You're going to give up squash and smell roses.
Niles
Poor Frasier. I hope that you don't have to go through what I did in order to become as wise as I have.
Daphne
You can still be wise and play squash, darling.
Martin
Yeah, Daphne's right. Go out and have some fun.
Niles
But I am having fun! Since my incident, birds sing more sweetly. The sky is so much bluer.
Frasier
Niles, it has rained every day this week.
Niles
I see rain differently too.
Frasier
You know, there's something I need to tell you. It's something I've been thinking about...
Niles
You were saying, Frasier?
Frasier
Nothing.
Grant
[v.o.] Hey, Dr. Crane. Well, my grandmother died a couple of weeks ago and I feel bad because I never told her how much she meant to me.
Frasier
Well, my heart certainly goes out to you. Grieving is Difficult enough without those unresolved...
Roz
Frasier, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have Dr. Niles Crane on line two.
Frasier
[pausing] I'm sure you all remember my brother Niles from our last segment. [He forces a grin.] I'm sure all my listeners join me in hoping he can get back to work real soon.
Niles
[v.o.] Thank you, Frasier. I just thought I'd add the Perspective of one who has ducked the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
Frasier
[controlling himself] By all means, go ahead, Niles.
Niles
[v.o.] Grant, your grandmother knows how you feel. When I was briefly dead, the overriding feeling I had was the love of my family and friends.
Grant
Wow! So I shouldn't feel bad?
Niles
Certainly not. Get out there and live your life, Grant. Carpe that diem. [Frasier has returned and replaced his headphones.] Isn't that right, Frasier?
Frasier
I couldn't agree more, Niles. We'll be right back after traffic.
Roz
I'm beginning to regret betting on the clown.
Frasier
Roz, I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just lie awake in bed at night mentally arguing with Niles. [He throws the clown back in its corner.] And I win every time!
Roz
Frasier, this is insane. Do you really think something bad is going to happen if you break your deal with God?
Frasier
Oh, of course not. Well, maybe a little. I don't know. Roz, my brother could have died. I can't be ungrateful to whatever higher power may have spared him.
Roz
I just can't imagine that God would be upset...
Frasier
Oh, he's God, Roz! Have you read the Old Testament? He can be ruthless!
Roz
Traffic's done. You're on in five. [She rushes back to her booth.]
Frasier
[replacing his headphones] Welcome back, Seattle. Oh, I see we have someone on line two. Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
Niles
[v.o.] Still me, Frasier. Say, I had some thoughts about your advice to Cynthia from Tacoma...
Niles
Speaking as one who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death, Cynthia, I think diets and exercise should take care of your problem. Nothing like a good fat-free muffin to send you on your way...
Frasier
Hi, Daph, I'm here for Niles.
Daphne
He's at your place. He said you were meeting him there for dinner.
Frasier
Well, I specifically told him I would pick him up here. Ah...
Daphne
Sorry.
Frasier
It's not bad enough he usurps my radio show... What are you doing?
Daphne
Oh, you'll think I'm silly, but I'm donating food to the poor.
Frasier
Why would I think that's silly? What does that say about me?
Daphne
No, I was just going to say...
Frasier
I do my bit for charity, you know. You have no idea how many vacations I've bought at silent auctions.
Daphne
No, that's not it. You see, when I found out Niles needed heart surgery I felt so scared and helpless, so I kind of made a vow that if he came out okay I would spend more time helping the less fortunate.
Frasier
A vow? You mean, like a promise to God?
Daphne
Yeah, I know, it must sound absurd to you, a man of science.
Frasier
No! No, now when exactly did you make this promise?
Daphne
The night before his surgery.
Frasier
The night before, you say. [He ponders.] Interesting. You say Niles is at my place?
Daphne
Yeah.
Frasier
Excuse me. Keep up the good work.
Gertrude
Oh, what's all this?
Daphne
Food for the poor.
Gertrude
Oh, it must be nice to be poor and have people just giving you food.
Gertrude
Daphne, you were up awfully late last night.
Daphne
Yeah, I was watching television.
Gertrude
Were you? Or was that husband of yours sneaking upstairs to demand you perform your wifely chore?
Daphne
I wish. He's still not ready to be in the same bed with me.
Gertrude
He's rich, and you don't have to sleep with him. Rub it in, why don't you?
Daphne
I know he's trying to ease back into things, but it's been weeks since the doctor said he was okay.
Gertrude
Well, isn't it obvious? The poor thing's probably not feeling very attractive. I mean, he's all skinny and pale, and now he has that scar, too.
Daphne
I don't think that's it, Mum. I just think he's scared and I understand that. But how long are we going to go on like this?
Gertrude
Until you stop babying him.
Daphne
I'm not babying him. I'm just giving him the time he needs.
Gertrude
Oh, piffle. What he needs is a swift kick in the bum. Look, you've got to seduce him. Use your feminine wiles. That's how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Daphne
[nodding] Well, sharing a cell helped. You know, maybe I'll give that a try. When Niles walks into that guest room tonight, I'll have a surprise waiting for him — candles, soft music, a negligée... nothing too sexy, we don't want to strain his heart.
Gertrude
Well, there's nothing wrong with your ego.
Daphne
Thanks for the advice, Mum.
Gertrude
My pleasure, love. And since you and Niles will be in the guest room, I'll sleep in your room tonight. No sense in letting that king-sized bed go to waste.
Daphne
This time, use a coaster when you take your teeth out.
Martin
Stop the tape. Who's he again?
Niles
That's Diego, the illegitimate son of Sonia LaFontaine. He joined the army to avenge the death of his brother, although I'm a little worried about him. I'm not sure he's fighting this war for the right reasons.
Martin
Hey, you want some of this fancy dessert? It must be really good because Frasier told me not to touch it.
Niles
No. No thanks, I brought some of these tasty rye flats in case I feel peckish.
Martin
They look like wood! I thought your doctor cleared you to eat normal foods.
Niles
Well, uh, he did, but I feel my tastes have gotten simpler since I cheated death.
Niles
It's hard to explain.
Martin
Don't need to explain to me, son. I know what it's like to cheat death.
Niles
That's true, although I think I got a little closer than you did.
Martin
[offended] Oh, really? Well, let's see. I got shot by a gun, and you ate a bunch of cheese.
Niles
I was clinically dead for several minutes. I looked Death square in the eye.
Martin
Well, you might have looked him in the eye, but I shook his hand.
Niles
Really. Well I kissed him on the cheek.
Martin
Well, I kissed him on the lips. Also, Death was a girl.
Niles
Dad, I don't want to turn this into a competition. I'm just trying to embrace life to the fullest.
Martin
Oh, will you give it a rest!
Niles
Excuse me?
Martin
You haven't embraced a damn thing. All you're doing is yakking about feeling this and experiencing that. You're not doing anything. You won't go back to work or play squash or eat any of your favorite foods.
Niles
I'm just, I'm easing into things until I'm back to normal.
Martin
The doctor says you're there.
Niles
Well, I'm just being extra cautious.
Martin
Sounds to me like you're afraid, son.
Niles
Well, what if I am? Haven't I earned the right to be afraid? I could have died.
Martin
I understand.
Niles
Okay.
Martin
When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk. I didn't want to leave the house. Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
Niles
[pausing] I know my fears aren't rational. I know my heart is sound. I feel fine. But I felt fine before this happened. How do I know that the same thing isn't going to...
Martin
Well, you don't know! That's exactly what I came to realize. Life's a crap shoot. We could all go at any time. That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got.
Martin
Like sand through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives...
Niles
Okay, point taken.
Niles
Thank you, Dad!
Martin
Where you going?
Niles
To live my life!
Martin
You forgot the rye flats.
Niles
[with a sense of awakening] No, I didn't, Dad. No, I didn't.
Martin
Well, you're not leaving them here!
Frasier
Good evening.
Frasier
Hello, God, it's me again. Dr. Frasier Crane. Listen, it seems that when we made our little arrangement, there was another deal in place. Now, I've had some experience with double-booking, and I know that the person who books first always gets priority. So, as long as Daphne keeps her end — which she is, to the letter - it seems our little arrangement would be rendered null and void. Ergo, I am now going to yell at my brother. [He beams.] Unless of course, you give me a sign.
Frasier
Very well, then. This is going to be sweet.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
There you are! You're forty minutes late. Well, no matter, I have more important things to do.
Frasier
Not so fast, Mister! You, sir, have been insufferable for the past few weeks. It might enlighten you to know that your endless preaching has been nothing more than a thin cover for your fear...
Niles
Yes, I know. I know, I know. Dad just told me, and he was right. I've been an ass lately. I am really sorry, but I have to go. My wife is waiting for me.
Niles
Frankly, Frasier, I'm surprised you didn't bring this up sooner.
Frasier
But...
Frasier
Huh... Well played, God. [He takes out his keys.] I'll see you at Easter.
Daphne
Niles! What happened?
Daphne
Are you all right?
Niles
Yes. I just jumped into bed with your mother.
Daphne
Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
Niles
That wasn't her.
Daphne
What were you doing in there?
Niles
I just... wanted to... take my wife into my arms and show her how much I love her.
Daphne
[excited] Are you sure you're ready?
Niles
Trust me. If my heart can take that, it can take anything.