No Sex Please, We're Skittish

Julia

Are you trying to save Frasier from me, or are you trying to save him for yourself?

Roz

Are you out of you out of your mind?

Julia

Are you in love with him?

Roz

It's her or me! Tell me now, or I swear to God, I will walk out of here and I will not come back!

Wiswell

There's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there?

Roz

No. KACL is ancient history.

Roz

Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are you?

Niles

Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip? I do have coffee with other people other than my brother, you know.

Roz

Good. 'Cause I'm avoiding him.

Niles

Oh, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes.

Roz

It's about my new job. It's a nightmare!

Niles

Didn't you just start today?

Roz

Yes. My boss already hit on me, I'm supposed to work nights and weekends, and my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire her 'cause she's like three minorities rolled into one. I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.

Niles

Oh yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that. Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but is it possible you're in love with Frasier?

Roz

Absolutely not.

Niles

You sound sure.

Roz

I am sure. I mean, if I were going to fall for him it would have been two years ago when we slept together.

Niles

Well then, another theory I'd like to explore is... HO, back up! You and Frasier slept together?

Roz

He didn't tell you?

Niles

No... Well, I suppose it's only natural. When the wolf and the lamb work together, it's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way. I hope you were gentle with him.

Roz

Just promise you won't tell him I told you.

Niles

I promise, I promise. So, you're not in love. But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis. As a psychiatrist...

Roz

I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.

Niles

All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened.

Roz

That's perfect! Thanks!

Niles

No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be...

Roz

I know. Talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again.

Daphne

Oh, hello, Roz.

Martin

Hey, Roz.

Daphne

Hello Darling.

Niles

Hey, you.

Daphne

Well, we're all set. I got us a home pregnancy test, a basal body thermometer and ovulation kit.

Niles

Oh, that's perfect. I can upload all your data into this fertility program I bought.

Martin

You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive. [to the waiter] Two coffees, please. Since when do you need a chemistry set to have a baby?

Daphne

I hear an "In my day..." coming.

Martin

In my day it was simple: girl would put on something slinky, guy comes home, has a couple of pops, throws some Dean Martin on the Hi-Fi and bim-bam-boom, you're lightin' a Lucky.

Frasier

Oh, Dad, Daphne. Hi. Niles, I've got to cancel our date, I have to meet Roz's replacement over at the station before the show.

Frasier

What's this? Are you pregnant?

Daphne

Not yet, but we're trying.

Frasier

Oh, well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility software and so forth?

Niles

Of course. We're not animals.

Daphne

We're very excited.

Niles

Yes, we were up half the night imagining life with our first child.

Frasier

Yes, well, first child you know about.

Daphne

What does that mean?

Frasier

Hmm? Oh, it's not what you think, Daphne. I was just referring to the time Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank. Surely you told her about it.

Frasier

Off I go.

Daphne

You sold your sperm?

Niles

Well, it was when I was home from medical school. I saw an ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to a sperm bank...

Martin

Would you stop using that word?! Say "s."

Niles

I sold my "s" to earn some money so I could buy Dad a Christmas present.

Martin

Which present?

Niles

The fishing pole.

Martin

You bought that with "s" money?

Daphne

Why didn't you tell me?

Niles

Oh, it was such a long time ago it completely slipped my mind. You're not really upset, are you?

Martin

Well of course I am! That was my favorite pole.

Daphne

I just thought this would be the first child for both of us. You could be a daddy already. There could be dozens of little Niles Cranes running around. [points to a man] HE could be your son. [points to another] Or HIM.

Niles

Oh, please, they look nothing like me. Besides, I only went down there one time. It's entirely possible they never used my sample.

Man

Can I borrow your sugar?

Daphne

Yeah.

Niles

I better look into this.

Kenny

There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, Doc, she's uh, in a eelchair-way.

Frasier

Does her handicap preclude her from understanding Pig Latin?

Kenny

Doctor Frasier Crane, king of the shrinks, meet Dana Willoughby, queen of the sound booth.

Frasier

Hello, Dana.

Dana

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Frasier

Likewise, I'm sure. Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know, please feel free to call on me. I'm here for you.

Dana

You know, actually, there was one...

Frasier

Will you excuse me?

Frasier

Julia!

Julia

Oh, hi, Frasier.

Frasier

Listen, we still on for dinner at Chez Henri tonight?

Julia

Of course. Do you have reservations?

Frasier

Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky.

Dana

Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Listen, why don't you stop by my place tonight for a cocktail first?

Julia

I'll see you at seven.

Frasier

Okay.

Frasier

Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is: new beginnings. I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family.

Roz

Hey, Kenny. Sorry I'm late.

Kenny

Hey, Roz... Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?

Roz

I work here!

Kenny

You quit.

Roz

Oh, come on, Kenny. If I quit, would I be here? Who's that?

Kenny

I'm sorry, I hired her because I thought... didn't you quit?

Roz

Kenny, what's wrong with you? Never mind. I'll fix it, like always.

Kenny

Oh, thanks, Roz. I owe you one.

Frasier

As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle, has left us for greener pastures.

Frasier

You know, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess, but also for her warmth, her kindness and her gentle spirit.

Frasier

Very well, then, the beginning of a new era. Let's go to our first caller.

Roz

[back at her console] We have Scott on line two.

Karen

Niles Crane?

Karen

Hi. I'll get you a cup and you can start...

Niles

No, no. I've already donated my essence to your establishment, now I'd like to get it back.

Karen

I'm sorry. It's against our policy to return essences.

Niles

Oh, I see. Well, could I at least check and see whether my donation was used?

Niles

You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest. [grins]

Karen

Sir, I've worked here twenty-eight years. Think you can tell me one I haven't heard? Go ahead, try me.

Niles

No.

Karen

[off the computer] According to our records, your sample wasn't used.

Niles

So there are no little Niles Cranes running around. What a relief.

Karen

[sarcastically] Isn't it?

Niles

Thank you for your time.

Niles

Just a quick question: based on my qualifications, I'd assumed there'd be some interest. Any nibbles?

Karen

According to our records, your sample was discarded. It was rated sub-standard.

Niles

"Sub-standard"?

Karen

Your sperm had very low motility.

Niles

So they're...

Karen

Slow movers.

Niles

Really. But that was more than twenty years ago. There's a chance that my situation's improved since then, isn't there?

Karen

Can YOU run faster now than you could twenty years ago?

Niles

So you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to conceive?

Karen

Very difficult, yes. I'm sorry.

Niles

Uh, thank you.

Niles

Excuse me, sir! Terribly sorry. Carry on.

Martin

Eddie, you get stuck in there again and you're on your own.

Martin

Hey, Niles.

Niles

Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?

Martin

Uh, primping.

Niles

Oh.

Martin

He's going out with Julia.

Niles

Right, right. Daphne's going out with her mom tonight, so I thought I'd borrow a DVD.

Martin

Oh, well, you're in luck. I just picked this one up: "Crime

Niles

Sounds tempting, but I'm looking for something a little more soothing. I didn't have the best day.

Martin

Oh, what happened?

Niles

Got some bad news at the "s" bank. Apparently I suffer from low motility.

Martin

Oh. Sorry, son. How'd Daphne take it?

Niles

Uh, well I haven't had the heart to tell her yet. But I'm hoping I won't have to. I did some research today and I found out, there's some things I can do to... rouse the troops.

Martin

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Niles

Uh, for instance wearing baggy pants. And boxers instead of briefs. Studies show that men who allow their genitals to swing freely...

Martin

Okay, got it!

Niles

And well, no hot baths, no alcohol, raw seafood, uh... and I started a regimen of dietary supplements. Which reminds me...

Martin

What's that?

Niles

French maritime pine bark extract. It boosts fertility and also acts as a mild euphoric. Which accounts for the well- known joviality of French sailors.

Niles

Terrible aftertaste, though.

Niles

I thought those were supposed to be crunchy.

Frasier

Oh, Niles. Dad, Julia is on her way, you told me you'd keep to your room while she's here.

Frasier

And take your Cheetos-stained dog with you.

Martin

Eddie, come on boy.

Niles

I'll be leaving too.

Frasier

No, Niles, could you stay for just a moment? There's something going on in my life that requires a bit of mulling. Sherry?

Niles

No, thanks.

Frasier

No? But we never mull without sherry.

Niles

Not for me.

Frasier

Very well. Have a seat.

Niles

Uh, I'd rather stand.

Frasier

Suit yourself. Anyway, it's about Roz. After quitting her job, TWICE, she shows up back at work again, today, waist-deep in a sea of denial. Well, I confronted her on the issue...

Frasier

What the hell are you doing?

Niles

Sorry, go on.

Frasier

Anyway, I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to discuss it with me. She wouldn't even look me in the eye. Which leads me to just one conclusion, Niles: She's in love with me.

Niles

I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion...

Frasier

That's because you don't have all the facts. I've never shared this with you before, Niles, so brace yourself. Two years ago, Roz and I slept together.

Niles

[feigning shock] GET OUT! You and Roz?

Frasier

We did have a chance to discuss it, thoroughly. Talk things out. And at the time, she seemed happy to remain friends. But I realize, now, that I must have kindled a spark in her. That lit the torch she carries to this day. So what do you think...?

Frasier

Are your pants humming?

Niles

It's my testicular hypothermia device. It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant ninety-six degrees.

Frasier

Oh, dear.

Niles

No, no. That wasn't me...

Frasier

Yes, I know! I know that!

Frasier

Oh, Julia. Hi.

Julia

Hello.

Frasier

Good to see you. What's all this?

Julia

It's dinner. I know we said we'd go out, but I thought it'd be more fun to stay in.

Frasier

And what's in here? Is this dessert?

Julia

Well, you could call it that.

Julia

Oh, hello, Niles.

Niles

Hello.

Julia

Well, I'll just go start dinner.

Frasier

Fine.

Niles

Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight.

Frasier

She was, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts.

Niles

Why?

Frasier

Niles, Julia and I have never been together sexually. Look what happened with Roz. We slept together two ago, she's still suffering.

Frasier

In the sense of pining!

Niles

Well, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night Julia...

Frasier

Oh, open your eyes, Niles! It's the same scenario: an infatuated co-worker, a night of passion. What if things don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me. Wondering what might have been, until one day, like Roz, she goes MAD!

Niles

Um... I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth?

Frasier

Oh, Niles, don't you see? I'm just trying to be responsible. I don't want to sleep with Julia until I know that there's a future for us.

Niles

Well, Frasier, I'm sure you'll make the right choice. But if you'll permit me an observation, you do tend to take things to extremes.

Niles

Oh, I have to plug myself into the cigarette lighter and recharge.

Julia

So, alone at last.

Frasier

Yes. But you know, there's really no need for you to go to all this trouble. I mean, we can still have dinner at Chez Henri's.

Julia

No. Dinner's coming along great. In fact, I've got a little sauce right here if you want to taste it.

Frasier

Oh.

Frasier

Mmm. That's yummy, yes.

Julia

I've had such a stressful day. You know what would feel great? A back rub. You know where I could find a pair of strong, manly hands?

Frasier

You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls. Let me get you his number.

Julia

Frasier, is everything all right?

Frasier

Yes, of course.

Julia

Because if you're not interested...

Frasier

No, no, I am. I am. I'm very interested. It's just that... before we take things to the next level, you should know there are certain risks.

Julia

Oh, my God, you've got a sexually transmitted dis...

Frasier

No, no, no! Of course not! Of course not. Although, in a manner of speaking...

Frasier

Excuse me.

Frasier

It's Roz!

Julia

What's she doing here?

Frasier

I don't know. Listen, just give us a moment or two together and I'll get rid of her.

Julia

Fine.

Roz

Hey, Fras.

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Can I come in?

Frasier

Yes.

Frasier

Is everything okay?

Roz

Look, I know how crazy I've been acting lately. Here last night, and today at the radio station. I mean, I don't even understand it myself. But then I took a long walk and I think I've figured it out. I just feel so stupid.

Frasier

No, Roz. Not stupid, human. And all too vulnerable. You've realized that you're in love with me.

Roz

No, that's not it.

Frasier

Come on...

Roz

I can see why you'd think that, based on how I've been acting, but that's not it.

Frasier

Okay, okay, just to be clear. You haven't been pining for me since we slept together?

Roz

God, no! Weren't you there?

Frasier

Hold that thought, I've got to get in the kitchen and move something back to the front burner.

Frasier

Julia...

Julia

Oh let me guess: Roz is staying for dinner.

Frasier

No, no. Just us. Listen, I'd like to apologize for being skittish earlier. I...just chalk it up to nerves. I mean, after all, this is a big night for us. We've never done this before.

Julia

I have.

Frasier

[laughing] As have I. What I meant was...

Julia

No, I know what you meant. You're forgiven.

Frasier

Thank you. Where were we? Oh, here. I believe we were about to sample some sauce.

Frasier

Oh, that's hot! Oh, God! I'll just go get rid of Roz.

Frasier

You know, Roz, we've got so much to talk about, what do you say we pick this up again tomorrow over a cup of coffee?

Roz

[laughing] Okay. Thank God. You have quite the ego on you. We slept together like two years ago. I mean what do you think you are, some kind of slow acting, time-release love bomb?

Frasier

[outraged] I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed. I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion- like"!

Roz

I never said that.

Frasier

Well, one of us did!

Julia

Okay, this is just too weird.

Frasier

Julia...

Julia

No, this is obviously a bad night for you.

Frasier

Look, Roz was just leaving.

Julia

Well, I'll send the elevator back up for her.

Frasier

Julia, I...

Roz

Frasier, I'm so sorry about that.

Frasier

No, it's my fault. I never should have let you in.

Roz

Well, I guess I've given Julia another reason to hate me.

Frasier

She doesn't hate you, Roz.

Roz

Well, she doesn't like me. And when the girlfriend doesn't like the friend, guess who gets the boot?

Frasier

That's not always true.

Roz

I just went through this with my dad. I was always really close to him, even after my parents split up. And six months ago, he married this woman I don't get along with and it's like I don't exist.

Frasier

I'm sorry.

Roz

That's what I finally realized tonight. I guess I saw Julia getting her hooks into you and I, I freaked.

Frasier

Roz, the day a woman says I can't be friends with you is the day I know I picked the wrong woman.

Roz

Thanks, Frasier.

Frasier

Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen. Why don't you stay?

Roz

Oh, that sounds great. [getting up] Wait. She went to all this trouble to make this dinner for you, if she finds out I'm the one who ate it it'll kill her.

Frasier

You can't tell her, Roz.

Roz

Oh, come on, please?

Niles

Hello?

Daphne

Hello.

Niles

Daphne! What are you doing here? I thought you had plans tonight.

Daphne

Who says I don't?

Daphne

Champagne?

Niles

Oh, sounds wonderful. On second thought, not tonight.

Daphne

I just thought you might like something to wash down these oysters.

Niles

Oohhh... actually, I'm avoiding raw seafood. Would it be too much trouble to put them in a bisque?

Daphne

Now?

Niles

I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised by all this.

Daphne

I just thought I'd follow your father's advice: a little less science, a little more romance.

Daphne

And apparently it's working.

Niles

That would be my TestiCool 2000.

Daphne

Your what?!

Niles

I should have told you this earlier, I had some disappointing news today. It seems that I suffer from low motility and it might not be possible for us to conceive.

Daphne

Oh.

Niles

I'm so sorry.

Daphne

Oh, don't be sorry. We'll be all right. There's so many things they can do these days to help infertile couples.

Niles

True.

Daphne

And until we find out more, I don't see why we don't give Mother Nature a shot.

Daphne

I took the test today, I'm ovulating.

Niles

[taking it] Ohhh... well, in that case, the last one upstairs...

Niles

Uh, Daph, this isn't the ovulation kit, it's the pregnancy test.

Daphne

Oh, silly me. They look so much ali...

Niles

We're pregnant.

Daphne

Oh, my God, we are, aren't we?

Niles

But my slow sperm...

Daphne

I must have fast eggs.

Niles

Oh, Daphne, I love you!

Daphne

I love you too!

Niles

Ow, ooh, ah! Something seems to be short-circuiting!

Daphne

That's your daddy!