SeaBee Jeebies
Aired December 2, 2003 · Written by Patricia Breen · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Martin
[to Eddie] Hey, you're lookin' a little under the weather. You all right?
Frasier
He most certainly is not. He dined on that lovely can of bacon fat you've been hiding under the sink.
Martin
Oh, geez. Poor little guy.
Martin
You know, bacon grease is bad for dogs.
Frasier
Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans.
Niles
Sorry we're late.
Frasier
Oh, that's all right, we're not having lunch until 1:15.
Niles
Ah, great.
Martin
Long night, Niles?
Niles
Oh, a bit. We were out at a party last night.
Daphne
At Bill Gates' house.
Frasier
Really? Some sort of... charity event?
Niles
No, no, just a few people over for dinner. His wife has been following Maris' case and she wanted to meet us. It seems the story's captured everyone's imagination and people want to get the inside scoop.
Daphne
Their house is enormous. I got lost going to the loo, but a voice in the wall guided me back.
Frasier
Sounds like fun. Anyway, I thought after lunch we might stop by the museum for the Goya exhibit.
Niles
Actually, we're going tomorrow night with the Blenkinsops.
Frasier
Tomorrow? But the museum's closed tomorrow.
Niles
Uh, not for Bunny and Bruce.
Frasier
Well, with all the rarified elbows you've been rubbing lately, I'm surprised you could find the time for lunch with a commoner like me.
Niles
Oh, now stop. But if we could get going, I have a perfume launch at four.
Daphne
It's a pretty lady holding some mail. Oh, you didn't pull that trick again, did you?
Frasier
I have no idea what you're talking about. Step aside! Don't want her to slip it under the door!
Frasier
Hello.
Caroline
Hi, sorry to disturb you, some of your mail got mixed in with mine.
Frasier
Oh, dear, how did that happen?
Caroline
I don't know. Some of it just seemed to be jammed in there.
Frasier
Uh, huh. Really, well, we must make allowances for our mailman. He's a veteran. So, uh, my name's Dr. Frasier Crane.
Caroline
Caroline Harwich.
Frasier
Nice to meet you. And this is my family. My father, Martin Crane.
Martin
Hi.
Frasier
My sister-in-law, Daphne, and my brother, Niles.
Caroline
You look awfully familiar, have we met?
Frasier
Well, I am somewhat of a media figure.
Caroline
No, your brother. Oh, you're Niles Crane from that big murder case. I saw you on the news.
Daphne
He's been on three times this week. He's practically famous.
Niles
Well, hardly famous.
Frasier
My brother doesn't like to toot his own horn. You know, I was discussing that very personality type today on my very popular radio show.
Caroline
Oh, right, right. Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Yes.
Caroline
Yes, my mother listens to you. Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you all.
Frasier
Yes, likewise.
Frasier
Isn't it nice to know there are still honest people in the world?
Martin
How come your mail never gets mixed up with that sweaty fat guy's upstairs?
Niles
We should really be going.
Frasier
Yes, yes. I'm afraid we'll have to be lunching at Vindaloo. I couldn't get us in at Le Toque.
Niles
Oh...
Daphne
Oh, no.
Niles
Maybe I should call. I've had the best luck with restaurants lately.
Frasier
Well, they swore that they were absolutely booked solid.
Niles
Oh, dear. [into phone] Hello? Yes, wondering if you could possibly squeeze in three for lunch today? Dr. Crane. No, actually it's Niles. Oh, how lovely. Thank you. We'll see you in a bit.
Roz
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
Oh, hi.
Roz
I'm so sorry about the show. I was a little distracted.
Frasier
Yes, I sensed that when you patched through Wanda, who wanted to know what our soup of the day was.
Roz
My sister Denise is in town. I hate it when she visits. She isn't happy until she makes me feel completely miserable. Do you know what she called my place? "Cozy."
Frasier
Well, that's a compliment.
Roz
No, it's code for "smaller than hers". [to waiter] Cappuccino, please.
Roz
She wraps every insult up in a compliment, and when I try to call her on it she just says "Huh? I was trying to be nice, you're so sensitive." And of course, everything in her life is so perfect. Her home, her husband, the stretch of highway she keeps clean. She's so competitive.
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
Well, if it's any comfort, Niles has been perfectly insufferable of late. This whole Maris affair has gained him some minor notoriety, he's been... flaunting it like a tattered boa. I'm trying to do the right thing and rise above it, of course, but there are times I just want to step on his feet. And hard, too.
Roz
Denise!
Frasier
How do you do?
Denise
Frasier, hi.
Denise
Well, you are looking very distinguished.
Frasier
Thank you.
Roz
That's code for "old".
Frasier
I know.
Denise
I am so sorry I'm late. Craig called. The poor thing, he misses me so much it's just impossible to get him off the phone.
Denise
I hope this makes it up to you. Now, Roz, I know you love your sports wear, but trust me, men like women who wear dresses once in a while.
Roz
So you've said.
Frasier
Denise, having fun on your trip?
Denise
Oh, yes. Staying with Roz is so much fun, it's sort of like camping.
Denise
Hello? [to Frasier] It's my contractors. Take my advice: never build a pool house.
Denise
Oh, hon? I picked us up a Seattle Magazine so we can find some fun things to do this week.
Roz
Does that include rolling it up, turning it sideways and....
Frasier
Now, Roz. At least she's trying. She did get you a gift, after all. And look, it's very chic and expensive, I'm sure.
Roz
Oh, and two sizes too small.
Frasier
All right, she's a bitch.
Roz
Thank you.
Kenny
Hey, hey! It's Mr. SeaBeas!
Frasier
The nominations are in?
Kenny
Yep. Two of 'em!
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
Oh, yay!
Kenny
Actually, Roz, they're both for Frasier. You're up for best host and best informational special, which gives you the lifetime record for most nominations.
Frasier
Oh, my God, I'm, I'm so flattered. I hope you two will join me at my table.
Roz
Oh, those awards are torture, they're endless. Can I bring my sister?
Frasier
Of course.
Frasier
Oh look. It's Niles.
Kenny
You gonna tell him you broke the SeaBeas record?
Frasier
If it comes up.
Kenny
You know, Doc, we should take advantage of this thing. I got a friend at the Seattle Times who owes me one. I could ask him to write a big profile on you.
Frasier
Thank you, no, Kenny. Let others engage in that sort of shameless self-promotion. I'm not interested in playing that sort of game. Oh, Niles.
Niles
Hi. Listen, Frasier, I'm so sorry, I have to cancel tonight. I'm going to hear Tony Bennett.
Frasier
Oh, really. Where's he playing?
Niles
At Frank Geary's birthday party.
Frasier
Well, speaking of glamorous parties, Niles, wait until...
Niles
Oh, is that Seattle Magazine? I was hoping you hadn't seen it.
Frasier
Seen what?
Niles
Oh, nothing, nothing. It's a silly thing. Page thirty.
Roz
Oh, it's one of those "What's Hot/What's Not" lists. I love these. "Heirloom Tomatoes - Hot, Sun Dried Tomatoes - Not".
Frasier
Give me that.
Frasier
Uh huh. "Dr. Niles Crane - Hot, Dr. Frasier Crane..." well, you can see where they're going with this. Well, we'll just see who's not hot when the winter/spring issue of Seattle Broadcaster comes out. For your information, Niles, I have recently...
Niles
Excuse me, I am so sorry.
Kenny
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Niles
Hello? Hello, Daphne. A delivery from Bill and Mindy! Aren't they sweet?
Niles
No, don't uncrate it until I get home!
Frasier
Kenny, about that article...
Kenny
Way ahead of you, Doc. [into phone] No, he'll make for a great profile: SeaBeas record holder, doctor, big ladies man, the whole ball of wax. Well, you can ask him yourself.
Frasier
Hello? Yes, well, when would be a good time for you? Oh, I've just had the greatest idea: Why don't you interview me while we're at the SeaBee Awards? Yes, it will be a freewheeling chat against a glittering backdrop. Splendid! I will see you anon.
Kenny
[into phone] Hey. No, he always talks like that.
Roz
Why are you taking him to the SeaBeas?
Frasier
Because I want to see him at my best, Roz. Do you realize, I'm giving the opening remarks this year? And if I do say so myself, they will change you.
Roz
Yeah, from an awake person to a sleeping one.
Frasier
Perfect! All I was lacking was the appropriate piece of arm candy to accompany me and there she is.
Roz
Who's she?
Frasier
[rising] A neighbor of mine in the building, whose acquaintance I have recently made.
Roz
Oh, right, Daphne told me you pulled that old mail trick out of mothballs.
Frasier
Caroline?
Caroline
Frasier, hello.
Frasier
Hello, good to see you.
Caroline
Cappuccino, to go. Thank you so much for those flowers.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, it was the least I could do after that stumblebum of a mailman made you do his job for him.
Caroline
Oh, I'd send him a complaint letter if I think he'd get it.
Frasier
Oh, delightful. Listen, I hope this isn't too bold, but you see, I've been nominated for a broadcast award, twice actually, and, well, there's a black tie gala on Saturday night and I was hoping you could accompany me.
Caroline
Thank you, I'd love to.
Frasier
Fantastic. I'll pick you up around seven-thirty.
Frasier
Well, I've worked my magic! That magnificent creature will be accompanying me on Saturday night!
Roz
Frasier, the awards are Saturday morning.
Frasier
Well... of course they're not.
Roz
Yes, they are.
Frasier
Roz, who would ever plan an awards ceremony on a Saturday morning?
Roz
Kenny was in charge this year, he booked the room too late.
Caroline
See you this weekend.
Frasier
Yeah, bye-bye.
Frasier
Oh, don't forget I'll pick you up seven-thirty, Saturday morning. Bye-bye.
Frasier
[rising] I did mention that, didn't I? Oh, gosh, it seems the SeaBeas is going to be a cheery breakfast event this year. But the good news is, actually I'll be able to get you home by noon. Bye-bye.
Caroline
I don't think that's going to work for me. I have Pilates on Saturdays.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, I wish you'd said something sooner.
Caroline
Sorry. Bye-bye.
Frasier
Yeah.
Roz
Oh, you can't blame her, Frasier. Who wants to get in hair and makeup at eight in the morning?
Frasier
Well, somebody better. I'm being profiled, it's going to look like I can't even scare up a date.
Roz
You scared that one pretty good.
Frasier
Cindy, where are you? Listen, this thing's about to start. Well, I'm sorry you broke your heel, but can't you just put on a different pair of shoes? Oh, your actual heel. Ouch. Well, uh, feel better.
Denise
Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.
Roz
Okay, two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a twenty in it for you if one of 'em's poisoned. I don't even care which one.
Frasier
There's a face I'm happy to see.
Roz
Frasier.
Frasier
Not you, Roz. Listen, Denise, uh, could you do me a small favor?
Denise
Mm-hmm?
Frasier
You see, my date didn't show up and there's a reporter here today doing a story on me and could you pretend to be my date?
Denise
Well, sure.
Denise
[to Roz] First the valet hits on me and now this.
Kenny
Hi guys.
Frasier
Oh, hi.
Martin
Some spread. I got pigs-in-a-blanket lying on an omelet pillow. And check it out: it snowed cheese.
Kenny
Roz, Larry Gamba couldn't make it, so if he wins can you accept for him?
Roz
Sure, Kenny. Nothing takes the sting out of not being nominated like accepting an award for my former intern.
Denise
Now, Roz, don't frown. Those lines don't go away.
Kenny
Oh, hey there, Randy, over here. This is the reporter.
Kenny
Here he is, the Doc himself.
Frasier
Lovely to see you, thanks for coming.
Kenny
And this is Roz Doyle, his ace producer.
Frasier
Yes, yes and this is my dad, Martin Crane. Dad, could you move over one for Randall?
Martin
Oh, sure.
Frasier
And I'd like you to meet my date, the lovely and talented Denise Dawson.
Denise
Oh, honey, stop it. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Frasier
So, I'm so glad you can join us on our gala morning.
Randy
Is this thing always so early?
Frasier
No, but then the SeaBeas have always been the wayward maverick of awards shows. In fact I kind of touch on that in my opening remarks, while hewing to my original theme: Communication as the Engine of Social Progress.
Randy
Sounds great. [grabbing a waiter] Could I get a big cup of coffee, please?
Frasier
What's Niles doing here?
Martin
Oh, I gave him Ronee's ticket. She said she hated to miss 'em but she didn't want to come.
Niles
I'm sorry I'm late, I had to distribute some sound bites.
Randy
That's quite all right, Dr. Crane, I'm very excited to meet you. Randall Schoonover, the Seattle Times.
Niles
Hello.
Frasier
He's doing a profile of me. A Day in the Life of Frasier Crane.
Randy
But if there's anything you'd like to tell my readers...
Niles
Oh, thank you, I'm just here to support my brother.
Randy
Supports his brother.
Frasier
Oh, I guess it's time for me to give my opening remarks.
Frasier
You just sit tight and I'll be back in twenty minutes.
Bandleader
You want to give me a cue so I know when to play you off stage?
Frasier
Ah, you will feel the pace quicken as I build to my climax, which is a grim verbal picture of the world without broadcasting.
Bandleader
Just tell me the last words.
Frasier
I'll say "Thank you."
Frasier
Good morning. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane and it is my great honor to stand before you, my fellow luminaries and welcome you to the Seattle Broadcasting Awards. I hope to do justice to the dignity of this most august occasion.
Frasier
I've been asked to inform everyone that we are running low on sausage. So if you would please limit yourselves to one link or patty. Thank you.
Frasier
I'm not finished.
Plum
Thanks, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, thank you.
Plum
Now, who wants to hand out some hardware?
Plum
Angela DiStefano, Keith Meebly and Chet Harding, the legendary host of "It's Your Dime".
Kenny
So many greats this year.
Frasier
This is for you, my dear.
Denise
Hello? Oh, hi Craig. [to Frasier] Honey? I've got to take this.
Frasier
Okay. Hurry back, love.
Frasier
So, Randy, where were we?
Randy
Your brother was just telling me how Maris is coping with jail. So, is it true that Maris tried to break out?
Niles
Oh, no, no, no. Her eyebrow pencil simply rolled out of her cell and she went to get it. It's really the jail's fault for making those bars so far apart.
Niles
This is really my brother's day.
Plum
And now the nominees for best informational special.
Kenny
Doc, this is you!
Plum
Riley Austin for "Underground Skateboarder," Harper Norton for "Inside the Statehouse," and Dr. Frasier Crane for "The Young Person's Guide to Depression." And the winner is: Riley Austin!
Randy
I'm just gonna track down some Sweet 'n' Low.
Frasier
Well, Niles, you should have powdered your nose if you planned to spend so much time in my spotlight.
Niles
I was just making conversation!
Frasier
Well, stop it!
Martin
Knock it off, you two! If you can't share this reporter, I'm gonna ask him to leave.
Kenny
Roz, get ready, this is Larry's category.
Denise
I can't believe that this happened.
Frasier
Well, it's all right. I'm still up for best host.
Denise
Craig is leaving me.
Roz
What?
Denise
He met someone else. I can't believe this is happening to me.
Plum
And the winner is: Larry Gamba for KACL
Kenny
Roz, get up there.
Denise
This is so terrible.
Roz
[rising] I know, I know.
Denise
How would you know what it's like to lose a husband, Roz? You never even had one!
Plum
Accepting the award is Roz Doyle.
Roz
Um, thanks, Plum. Larry couldn't be here today, but if he were here, he would say, um...
Roz
"YES! Thank you, God! Yes! This is the best day of my entire life!" [hugging Plum] "I've just been waiting for this since I was a little girl. Yes! You have no idea how much this means to me! YES!"
Denise
I hate men!
Frasier
Now, now, Denise....
Denise
Shut up! You're all the same.
Frasier
No, listen, Denise...
Denise
Get your hands off me! Stop it!
Frasier
There's no need for you to write that down.
Plum
And now the nominees for best radio call-in host...
Kenny
Better get ready, Doc, this one has your name on it.
Frasier
Well it better, because this whole show has been a nightmare. Except it can't be a nightmare because it's MID-MORNING!
Plum
And the SeaBea goes to: the late Chet Harding for "It's Your Dime".
Martin
Sorry, Son, you can't beat a dead guy.
Denise
Dead! That's the best kind of guy!
Randy
Well, I think maybe I have enough.
Frasier
No, please, don't go. Listen, the show will be over very soon. They actually have a bat mitzvah booked for noon so maybe we could finish up in the lobby.
Randy
Okay, I'll get my coat. I hope you can join us, Niles.
Frasier
Don't you dare! You have been monopolizing that man's time all morning.
Niles
You should thanking me for distracting him from this circus!
Frasier
You should talk! You've been the ringmaster of your own media circus for the last week!
Niles
And it's killing you, isn't it?!
Frasier
If you think I am jealous of your tawdry notoriety, then you don't know who I am.
Niles
Just like most of the people in this city!
Frasier
You go too far!
Kenny
Doc, that's Jerry Edwards. He's supposed to close the show.
Frasier
Is he all right?
Kenny
Oh, no. You knocked his glass eye out. Well, you're gonna have to close the show for him.
Frasier
What?
Kenny
Well, you took him out! And you'll be the only guy in history to open and close the SeaBeas.
Frasier
Really? Nobody's ever done it before? But...I don't have anything prepared.
Kenny
Don't worry, it's all on the teleprompter.
Kenny
Now, get up there and sing. It's to the tune of "Moon River".
Martin
Oh, think I just kicked somethin'.
Frasier
The SeaBeas, now are at an end We hope you've made a friend Or two...
Frasier
And the SeaBeas Have great freebies, Just pick up your bag At the door to your right.
Kenny
Found it!
Niles
That's an olive.
Frasier
The SeaBeas, we hope your day was great, And, yes, we validate, Right there.
Frasier
See Rico, Eduardo or Jen, They'll bring it round the bend, A Hyundai or a Benz The SeaBeas are through.