Frasier-Lite

Skyline

Plane with KACL banner.

Frasier

Well, Morrie, if you're not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we're obviously dealing with a trust issue.

Morrie

[v.o.] More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it, from her mother — who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and still hasn't left. Happy New Year!

Frasier

Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...

Morrie

I'm in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy?! [into phone] See how she gets?

Frasier

Well, perhaps what is needed here is...

Celeste

[v.o.] You think I don't know who you're talking to in there, huh, Morrie? It's your little whore, isn't it? Hello, whore.

Frasier

Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...

Celeste

A man?! It's worse than I thought.

Mother

[v.o.] Celeste?

Celeste

Hang up, Ma!

Mother

You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen.

Morrie

How about washing a dish or two while you're down there?

Britney

[v.o.] I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home.

Morrie

Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere.

Frasier

And neither is this conversation. [He cuts off the line.] Well, that's our show for today, with a brief program note. My KACL colleagues and I are competing against a team at KPXY to see who can shed the most pounds for charity. We're off to our first weigh-in right now. You can keep track of our progress on Channel 6's Coffee with Kelly. Wish us luck.

Bulldog

Okay, everybody, let's power this crap down.

Frasier

Why?

Kenny

The more you eat before the contest, the more you artificially boost your starting weight.

Bulldog

Yeah, we got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos...

Gil

And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Trump and twice as greasy.

Frasier

Well, it hardly seems in the spirit of the competition. The entire purpose here is to raise awareness about the obesity epidemic in this country...

Roz

Come on, Frasier, the winning team gets a free trip to Vegas!

Gil

Four glorious days in Sin City, with all its gaudy brilliance, the feathered headdresses, the fishnet stockings...[He eats a morsel.]

Kenny

I'm just wearing an aloha shirt, myself.

Bulldog

Come on, Shempsky, pick up the pace.

Noel

I have a digestive disorder where if I eat too much or too little I get incapacitating stomach cramps.

Roz

It's OK, Noel, you do what's right for you. [suggestively, moving closer to him] But wouldn't a trip to Vegas be really fun? And remember, what happens in Vegas... [enticingly brings a donut to his face] stays in Vegas.

Bulldog

Eat up, Doc!

Frasier

I will do no such thing! It is not fair, and it is unsportsmanlike.

Bulldog

Ah, who's it gonna hurt?

Bulldog

Shake it off, kid, nobody likes a whiner.

Martin

Hey, Niles, Daph.

Daphne

[rushing to the powder room] Oh, no time for chitchat, pregnant lady coming through.

Martin

[noticing that Niles has a bandage on his hand] What happened to your wrist?

Niles

Oh, uh, she rolled over in her sleep and pinned me again. I even saw it coming this time, like the big rock in that Indiana Jones movie. [He hangs his coat.]

Martin

Does she know she did it?

Niles

No, no, no, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I just— I just, uh, made up an excuse... [looking out to the balcony] What is Eddie doing?

Martin

Oh, he's waiting for a pigeon friend of his. We call him Barney. Flies on the balcony every day and they stare at each other. Those crazy animals. Yesterday they did it for three hours.

Martin

No, I'm not making it up, I watched them the whole time.

Daphne

Oh, is your wrist still bothering you, dear?

Niles

Oh, just a little flare-up.

Daphne

Poor thing slept on it funny. Woke up screaming like a dying rabbit.

Martin

Hey, Fras, how was the weigh-in?

Frasier

Oh, it was appalling, thank you. My teammates ridiculed me for not pigging out beforehand. You know what is it about teams and, and competitions that just brings out the worst in people?

Martin

Here we go again.

Daphne

What?

Niles

Well, Frasier and team sports are not a happy mix. Freshman year, in a bid to please Dad...

Frasier

There is no need to tell that story.

Niles

Frasier inadvertently joined the girls' field hockey team.

Frasier

[off their chuckles] The sign-up sheet said "F. Hockey." I assumed it meant "freshman" hockey.

Martin

The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?

Frasier

[seething] I thought it was a kilt!

Daphne

Well, I'm starving. Where should we go for dinner?

Daphne

What was that?

Martin

[gasping] Barney! Oh, Daph, would you take Eddie to my room? I don't want him to see this.

Daphne

Come on, boy, come on now.

Martin

Oh, how did this happen?

Niles

Oh, now, Dad, birds do fly into windows.

Martin

I know, that's why I keep a safety smudge right there... huh, where'd it go?

Martin

Niles!

Niles

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. It's, it's a reflex. I-I, I don't even know I'm doing it.

Martin

Are you happy? You killed Eddie's little friend. Poor little guy. [then] Well, what should we do, just kick him over the edge?

Niles

Dad, wait, he's still breathing!

Martin

Oh! Pick him up!

Niles

But birds are notorious carriers of disease.

Martin

Oh, here, use my hanky.

Niles

[rejecting the hanky] I'll take my chances.

Martin

Oh, don't you quit on us, Barney! You're gonna be good as new.

Martin

[as they re-enter] See, that's why we need a safety smudge.

Kelly

We'll be right back, to see how our teams are doing in the first week of our Fat to Fit Weight Loss Challenge, so stay right here.

Bulldog

Hey, look, it's them.

Roz

Oh, those robes! It makes them look like they're in some kind of cult.

Noel

Like the high priests of Asmodeus the Destroyer. [off their looks] Asmodeus - demon of lusts, eater of worlds. Does nobody read my e-mails?

Kelly

Welcome back. So let's see how our teams fared this week. Come on in, guys! Come on in!

Frasier

Kenny, who's that last guy on their team?

Kenny

Oh, uh, Wayne Shafter. He's their new general manager.

Frasier

[deep and ominous] So...we meet again, Wayne Shafter.

Kenny

You know him?

Frasier

We went to high school together. He was the captain of the football team - Mr. Popularity - and my chief rival for the affections of our Swedish exchange student Giselle Johannson- Janson.

Kenny

Yeah, so, uh, how'd that work out?

Frasier

Great. We got married and had six kids. What do you think?

Frasier

Wayne Shafter?

Wayne

Yeah?

Frasier

Frasier Crane.

Wayne

Hey, F. Hockey! [He laughs and shakes Frasier's hand.] What have you been up to?

Frasier

Oh, you know, not much. Harvard, Oxford, M.D., Ph. D., and then just recently, I...

Wayne

Hey, remember that time I took your chess set and made you cry?

Frasier

You did not make me cry. I chose to cry as a tactic to elicit sympathy and thereby regain my chess set.

Wayne

[scoffing] I threw it in the dumpster behind the cafeteria, didn't I?

Frasier

I don't know. It was never found.

Wayne

No, I did.

Kelly

[who has been talking in the background] And last up for KACL, my old friend, Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Hi, Kelly! [He gives her a friendly embrace.]

Kelly

Hey, Fras, good to see you, get up.

Kelly

Ouch! One pound heavier, Fras.

Frasier

Well, that can't be, I've added a salad to every meal.

Kelly

So, at the end of one week, it's KPXY down 17 pounds, KACL down 9. That's all the time we have. Join me tomorrow when my guests will be the Senior Citizens' Handbell Chorus. Have a neat day!

Frasier

[pleading his case to his team] Listen. Muscle weighs more than fat, you know, and the way I've been working out lately...

Bulldog

Yeah, save it, lard-ass.

Wayne

Hey, you know, Crane, when they say "Take one for the team," they don't mean another cruller. [He laughs.]

Frasier

Oh, shut up, Shafter, you're a cruller.

Wayne

Oh, give it up. I'll drop you a postcard from Vegas.

Frasier

I'll tell you what, we are going to win this competition, Mister. And when we do, you will replace that chess set.

Wayne

Okay, deal. But if we win, you're showing up at our station in your little field hockey uniform.

Frasier

You're on, you fat scoundrel.

Wayne

All right, shake on it.

Wayne

Psych! Oh, sorry. Sorry, that wasn't cool. Here you go.

Wayne

Psych!

Wayne

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, it's not a deal unless we shake on it. Come on.

Wayne

Come on. I wouldn't do it for a third time. [He smiles.]

Frasier

All right.

Wayne

Psych! God, I missed you!

Daphne

Hello, Martin!

Niles

Hey, Dad!

Niles

How's Barney doing?

Martin

Oh, he's doing a lot better today.

Niles

Great. I brought him a treat. Millet and sunflower kernels with added calcium for beak conditioning. [Daphne goes toward the kitchen.]

Martin

Mmm. What happened to your neck?

Niles

Oh... [He gives a sidelong glance at Daphne.] Fell out of bed.

Daphne

He's been so accident-prone lately. Every morning it's something else.

Martin

Shamu jump the tank again?

Niles

Fortunately, I moisturized right before bed, so I squirted out like a watermelon seed.

Martin

You all right, son?

Frasier

Walked upstairs.

Niles

Why did you walk upstairs?

Frasier

Burning calories.

Daphne

Oh, yes, I saw you on TV. You know, that Kelly Kirkland is quite an actress. I once saw her in a production of Love Letters with Bill Nye, the Science Guy. [indicating] Tears.

Frasier

I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The opposing team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.

Niles

[gasps, then] Which one was he?

Frasier

Thick neck, dead eyes... snapped your PBS umbrella.

Frasier

For the next two weeks, I shall be a speed-walking, calorie- burning, pound-shedding machine. Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for Dad?

Daphne

The Ab Blaster or the Flab Buster?

Frasier

Right. I'll tell you what. Bring me both of them. I'll put them together, see if I can get a real good workout going.

Frasier

So... is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?

Martin

Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them. That's the one he likes best.

Frasier

All right, that's it. I want that sky rat out of here.

Martin

Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.

Frasier

Eddie is a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.

Niles

[petting the bird] Well, I guess Barney has pretty well recovered.

Martin

[wistfully] Yeah, I guess. Well, time to go, Barney. Oh, Eddie, don't worry. He'll come back and visit you.

Niles

It's kind of hard letting him go.

Niles

Now I know how you must have felt all those times when you dropped me off at musical theater camp. Sad and frightened...

Martin

[with a meaningful pause] Lots of emotions, son.

Niles

Barney, remember us fondly as you spread your wings and soar free.

Martin

Oh, my God! Barney!

Niles

[searching the skies] Where did he go? Is he soaring free?

Martin

He bounced off the railing, and landed on the Cunninghams' balcony.

Niles

Dad, look! His wing just moved! He's alive!

Martin

I'll go get him.

Niles

Hurry, hurry!

Niles

[yelling down] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird! [then] Not you, Mrs. Cunningham.

Bulldog

Hey, what did I tell you about smoking in the booth?

Roz

Oh, bite me. I need something to kill my appetite -besides your STUPID, UGLY FACE!!

Kenny

Gotcha, Bulldog.

Kenny

Ow! What did I tell you about that?

Gil

Thieves! Brigands! I had three-and-a-half ounces of sashimi- grade ahi in the fridge and one of you has stolen it.

Bulldog

Not me.

Roz

Well, it wasn't me! And it wasn't Noel. He thinks I'm going to do him in Vegas, so he's barely eaten in two weeks. [She laughs.] That's why he keeps fainting.

Kenny

All right, I took it and I liked it! What are you going to do about it? [Bulldog pinches his nipple again.] Ow! It wasn't even your fish! [Bulldog pinches his other nipple.] OW!

Noel

How long was I out that time?

Roz

[suggestively] Ten minutes, big boy.

Noel

I've got a bump the size of an egg.

Kenny

Don't say "egg."

Noel

Don't tell me what to say.

Gil

I'm still waiting for my ahi.

Roz

Put a sock in it, Princess.

Gil

How dare you?

Roz

How dare you!

Bulldog

Should I crack the egg, Noel, huh?

Frasier

People! People, STOP IT!

Frasier

Now, listen, I understand that we're all a bit cranky...

Gil

Cranky? We're starving. I'm not sure I can hold on much longer.

Frasier

We've only got one day more to go. We can't crack now when we're this close to victory! All right, everyone - take a deep breath.

Frasier

Yes, Roz, cough it all up. We don't want any extra phlegm

Noel

Whose birthday is it?

Kenny

Gina in accounting.

Roz

Who's Gina again?

Bulldog

New chick. So-so face, a little big in the can.

Gil

Perhaps I'll go wish dear Gina well.

Bulldog

Hey, good idea.

Frasier

Now, that's the team spirit! We may be dieting, but we can still nourish ourselves on some good office fellowship. Please give Gina my regards as well.

Bulldog

Okay, Doc, see ya.

Frasier

[to himself] Oh, it's a good team... Good people...

Frasier

[realizing] Good God! [calling and running after them] Wait! It's not worth it! It's sheetcake!

Gil

Will you stop that infernal bouncing?

Bulldog

No, sir. No, sir. Gotta keep moving. Constant movement equals constant calorie burn. You sure you guys don't want some appetite suppressants?

Roz

What the hell are those things anyway?

Bulldog

[over-stimulated] They're fine, they're fine, they're natural, they have ginseng.

Frasier

Oh, come on in, Dad.

Martin

What's going on?

Frasier

Well, we had a bit of a discipline breakdown. We've all agreed to spend the last twelve hours before the final weigh- in policing each other. It's a good thing you had dinner out. I've purged the apartment of all foodstuffs.

Niles

Who's that gentleman on the floor?

All

Noel.

Frasier

He passes out from time to time, but not to worry, I'm sure the next searing stomach cramp will bring him around.

Frasier

[patting Noel on the back] There you are. You can set your watch by him. All right, everybody. I believe my bathroom has probably finished its transformation into a steam room by now. If you'll all join me, we can relax and sweat off a few extra ounces.

Bulldog

[excitedly] Okay, you heard the doc, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Niles

[opening the box] Hey, Barney. How's my favorite patient?

Martin

Hey, making progress. He doesn't even flinch anymore at the sound of your voice.

Niles

He's letting me stroke his wing. You know what? I'm going to put this birdseed in a bowl.

Martin

[to the bird] Oh, you know, there's a sad little fellow who's been dying to say hello to you all day.

Martin

That's better. Eddie, come on, say hello.

Martin

Oh, my God, Eddie! Eddie!

Niles

[o.s.] Hey, Dad?

Martin

Oh, no.

Niles

[coming out of the kitchen with a bowl] I've been thinking. You know...

Martin

[shushing him] Shh. Keep it quiet. That wing rub you gave him put him right to sleep.

Niles

Well, that's kind of sweet. Well, uh, I'll just go home.

Niles

You know, Dad, I think he may like me even more than he likes Eddie.

Martin

[with simultaneous irony and truth] No contest.

Bulldog

How much longer, Doc?

Frasier

Another half an hour.

Roz

I can't keep my cigarette lit.

Noel

[weakly] Roz, take my hand.

Roz

Fine, Noel, I'll take your stupid hand.

Roz

Where are you...?

Gil

Roz!

Roz

Oh, my God! Put on a towel, you perv.

Gil

If I had known this sort of thing went on in steam rooms, I'd never have let you lure me in.

Frasier

All right, just relax, team. Feel the steam literally melting the pounds away.

Kenny

Oh, I'm about to faint. I'm going to grab some water.

Bulldog

You sure you want to leave him alone out there? He could be on his way to Pizza Hut.

Frasier

Good point. I'll just go check on him.

Roz

It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.

Bulldog

Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty. Heh, heh, heh.

Roz

That wasn't me, Bulldog.

Gil

That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.

Kenny

Mmm.

Frasier

Kenny... what did you just eat?

Kenny

[sucking his teeth] Nothing.

Frasier

You have a toothpick!

Kenny

Oh, all right, I couldn't take it anymore. I only had a mouthful.

Frasier

[screaming] Dear God!

Bulldog

What happened?

Frasier

This ravenous madman's just eaten a live pigeon!

Kenny

No, I didn't! I only had some seeds.

Gil

If Kenny gets seeds, we all get seeds.

Roz

Where are they?

Bulldog

No, get away! I saw them first!

Roz

No, give me those!

Frasier

Stop it! Stop it! Stop this madness! Look at yourselves!

Frasier

Dear God, we are hours away from victory and look at you, plucking around the floor like a clutch of crazed capons. Try to conjure up some image to give us strength. Imagine yourselves winning. Imagine yourselves in Vegas!

Roz

[whining] I'm still hungry!

Martin

Stay out of the hallway, Eddie just threw up a dead pigeon, and now he's eating it again.

Kelly

Next up, the final weigh-in in our Fat to Fit Weight Loss Challenge, so stay right here.

Frasier

Okay. Everybody take off your watches, jewelry, hairpins, shoes, anything that'll add just an ounce of weight.

Wayne

Hey, Crane! Looking forward to seeing you in your field hockey skirt.

Frasier

Oh, yeah? I'm going to be so busy playing with that new chess set you're gonna buy me that I won't even have time to put on my skirt... Not that I still have it!

Kelly

Welcome back! And here they are, come on in folks! KPXY, you're up first.

Bulldog

Okay, guys. Huddle up, here's the plan. I'll stand in the middle. You surround me, and lift me up, so I'm not even touching the scale.

Bulldog

What?

Kelly

Wow, you have lost an impressive 44 pounds, 2 ounces. Great job, guys!

Noel

[delirious] I see giant steaks with legs.

Bulldog

You're hallucinating. [He slaps Noel's head.] Just pull it together.

Kenny

Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council Dancers. They're on after us.

Kelly

Okay, Team KACL, up you go.

Kelly

Oh, my goodness! 44 pounds even. You lose by two ounces!

Roz

No! I'm not getting emphysema for this.

Roz

Cut me!

Gil

I can't!

Roz

Cut me, damn it!

Kelly

Oh, my God! 44 pounds, 3 ounces! They're on their way to Vegas!

Kelly

Don't go away! When we come back, we have a little dance number that's both "rare" and "well done."

Wayne

Okay, Crane, you won.

Frasier

Yes, I did, Shafter.

Wayne

So, where do I pick up this chess set?

Frasier

The Rook Nook. Ask for Cyril. Tell him you were sent by Dr. Frasier Crane...

Frasier

PSYCH...

Frasier

...iatrist.