The Ann Who Came to Dinner

Frasier

You know, I heard the most extraordinary thing on the radio today.

Niles

I know. Rubenstein's torrid survey of the Copin mazurkas. It took all my strength not to turn the car around, drive home and ravish my wife.

Roz

That Daphne is one lucky lady.

Frasier

No, I was referring to the fact that Maris has been released on bail.

Niles

Oh, yes. Of course she's still under house arrest until her murder trial. Poor thing, has to wear an electronic tracking device on her ankle. She can't keep the press off her back, they're printing the most vicious stories about her.

Roz

I saw one of those. Is it true that she fired one of the gardeners because she found a worm on the front walk?

Niles

Well, to be fair, Maris has always been frightened and disgusted by them.

Roz

It's just a stupid worm.

Niles

No, I'm talking about gardeners.

Martin

Hey, guys.

Frasier

Oh hey, Dad. Why don't you pull up a chair?

Martin

Oh, thanks.

Roz

You're looking sharp. I don't think I've ever seen this jacket.

Martin

Well, that's because I don't wear it too often. But you know, when I do, sometimes I find all kinds of junk in the pockets. It's like putting on a time capsule or somthein'. [he pulls out a letter] Oh, here, here's something from the world of yesterday.

Frasier

Dear God, Dad, that's my home insurance payment. I asked you to mail this three months ago.

Martin

Oh, sorry, Fraizh. But you see what I mean about the jacket? I can still see him givin' me that envelope.

Frasier

No wonder my agent's been calling me. My policy's probably been cancelled! [into the phone] Yes, Jim Sunquist, please. ... Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane. ... Yes, I know. I've just discovered that myself. Listen, how much to renew? ... What? Well, I'm gonna have to think that over. ... Uh, right, I'll call you. Thanks, Jim.

Frasier

Scandinavian shyster! Cold-hearted, glad-handed, highway-robber, phony big-toothed smiling son of a bitch insurance man!

Frasier

Not you, Jim. Love to Marie.

Frasier

Damn! Now I'm going to have to pay twice as much!

Niles

Well, why don't you just find another insurer?

Roz

Oh, you know who you should talk to? Ann Hodges!

Frasier

Oh, Roz, have you lost your mind? I never want to see that woman again.

Niles

Who is she?

Frasier

Oh, a friend of Roz's. We had a stunningly bad date, during which my behavior was...less than chivalrous.

Roz

You ate her ravioli, then hit on another woman in the same restaurant.

Frasier

Which I concede was less than chivalrous.

Roz

Well, the least you can do is throw her some business. She just did mine and she did a great job. And she can rush this through. Here you go, here's her card.

Niles

You should be covered, Frasier. God forbid something should happen, a pipe bursts, or Dad should screw up again. Remember the great bacon fire of '98?

Frasier

I suppose spending ten minutes with the woman won't kill me.

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, Jim, hang up already!

Frasier

Well, this is me. Uh, thanks again for holding the elevator, Caroline.

Caroline

Well, you did throw your briefcase into it.

Frasier

Yes, yes. Well, you'd be surprised how many people just kick it back out and push the close button. You know, maybe I could repay you by taking you to dinner some evening.

Caroline

Yeah, I'd like that. How about next Monday?

Frasier

Perfect. Why not stop by my place first for a drink? Around six o'clock?

Caroline

Sounds good.

Frasier

Great. Um, thanks again. And...sorry again about the briefcase. You might want to put some ice on that ankle.

Martin

Hi, Fraizh.

Frasier

Hi, Dad. What have you got there?

Martin

I made a sandwich with some of your cold chicken in there.

Frasier

Also known as quail. Think you can get a plate before you start dripping mayonnaise all over the place?

Martin

Oh, relax, I'm almost done.

Frasier

Oh, and by the way: Until this home is insured once again, there will be no more barbecuing or deep frying.

Martin

Does that include the hot plate in my bedroom?

Frasier

Since when do you have a hot plate?!

Martin

Since I finally figured out how to plug it in. In just one outlet, I have my TV, aquarium, clock radio and that old space heater.

Frasier

Yes, well, unplug everything!

Ann

[cooly] Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Hello, Ann. Please, won't you come in? This is my father, Martin Crane.

Ann

Oh, I've heard all about you. Frasier and I used to go out.

Martin

Oh... Well, I'll be in my room.

Ann

So, this is kind of weird, huh?

Frasier

Yes, I hope that you're being here means that you've forgiven me?

Ann

Well, I was pretty steamed after that date, but my shrink helped me work through the rage. Good thing you didn't walk in front of my car on the street for the first few weeks or I would've just gotten out and given you a good kick.

Frasier

Yes, and I would've deserved one, too. Here, let me take your coat. You're going to want to look around the place before you write up the policy.

Ann

Oh, very nice.

Frasier

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Ann

Hey, this guy looks like my ex.

Ann

I'm just kidding. He wasn't black.

Frasier

Can I get you something to drink?

Ann

Oh, just a glass of water. But I'll get it, I want to see your kitchen.

Ann

Wow! Shmancy! And so clean. You know, there's a homosexual couple that lives in my building and their kitchen is like a pigsty compared to yours. Whoops, spoke too soon. Somebody dripped a little bit of mayona...

Frasier

Ann?

Ann

Boy, who'da thunk a little mayo on the floor could end up breaking your leg?

Doctor

So, how's that cast feeling?

Ann

Okay. I'm worried about my apartment, though. It's a fourth floor walk-up.

Frasier

Oh, dear. Well, is there a friend or a family member that we could call to come get you?

Ann

No. Just my mom, and she lives in Portland.

Doctor

Uh oh.

Ann

"Uh oh"? What's that supposed to mean? If you screwed anything up I will sue you blue, buddy boy!

Doctor

No, no it's nothing. The bulb burned out. Now, let's find you a pair of crutches.

Ann

Okay.

Frasier

Watch it on the turns there, Doc. Precious cargo.

Frasier

I hope you enjoyed your sandwich. It may end up costing me my apartment.

Martin

You think she'll sue you?

Frasier

Oh, come on, Dad, she's an INSURANCE WOMAN. If anybody knows anything about milking money out of an injury, it's her.

Martin

Well, won't your insurance cover it?

Frasier

I have no insurance!

Martin

Oh, right, right. You know what? Why don't you just try to get on her good side? Pay all her expenses, maybe throw in a private nurse for a few days.

Frasier

That's good, that's good. But she's too dangerous to be left alone with her thoughts right now. We've got to try the personal approach. I tell you what, why don't we inviter her to spend a few days recuperating in our apartment?

Martin

[disgusted] Oh...

Frasier

Friends do not sue friends!

Ann

Oh, my pits are barking already.

Frasier

Ann, listen, Dad and I were just talking. We thought maybe you should just stay at our place, until you get used to your crutches.

Ann

Really?

Frasier

Sure. That's what friends do.

Ann

Thanks. Well, I'll call my super and have him send over some clothes and my trumpet and we're good to go.

Frasier

You play the trumpet?

Ann

Oh, I just started. It's really hard.

Ann

Hey!

Martin

Oh, sorry.

Martin

Dammit, Frasier, I just walked in on your insurance lady takin' a sponge bath.

Frasier

Dear God. Which sponge?

Martin

The small one. It's been the longest two days of my life.

Frasier

Well, what do you think, it's been a vacation for me? I have cooked her meals, I have massaged her feet. I have also wildly applauded her trumpet rendition of "Froggy Went A-Courtin'".

Frasier

But I have won her over. There will be no discussion of a lawsuit tomorrow when I send her a-packin'.

Frasier

Oh, hi, Niles.

Niles

Hey, Frasier. Hey, Dad.

Niles

Brace yourself, I have finally gotten around to returning your escargot clamps.

Frasier

Oh, thank you Niles.

Martin

Oh, that's what those are. I've been usin' 'em to pull ticks off Eddie's coat.

Niles

Sherry?

Frasier

Oh, yes, please. Thank you.

Niles

I have Maris news: She's auctioning off some of her things to help pay for her defense. She's letting me come by first to claim anything I want. Well, this is my chance to seize and destroy my boudoir painting.

Martin

What's that?

Niles

Oh, well, years ago Maris and I got the idea it into our heads to commission portraits of a... well, quasi-erotic nature.

Frasier

Dear God.

Frasier

Continue.

Niles

Well, Maris is depicted as a doe-eyed wood nymph, while in my painting I am the satyr Pan. A louche sybaritic goat-man with a depraved appetite for all things sensual.

Ann

Oh, I forgot to lock that door. Your dad sure got an eye full.

Frasier

Yes, uh, bumbling old man, I'm terribly sorry.

Ann

Well, no birthday gift for him this year, he's had it. Hi, Niles.

Niles

Hello, Ann. It's so nice to see you, I'm sorry I can't stay.

Ann

You're leaving? You're always leaving.

Niles

Oh, just lately. Bye.

Frasier

Bye-bye, Niles. Well, wait 'til you see what I've made you for dinner tonight. Your favorite: mac and cheese with sliced hot dogs.

Ann

Oh, you keep pampering me this way, it'll be hard for me to go home next month.

Frasier

Next month?!

Ann

Well, let's cross our fingers. My bones tend to knit slowly.

Frasier

Uh, aren't you afraid to leave your apartment unattended for an entire month?

Ann

No problem. I just sub-let it this morning to a girl from work. If she chips so much as one of my porcelain piggies, I'll sue her six ways to Sunday!

Martin

If you want to beat her to death with one of her crutches I can show you how to make it look like an accident.

Marta

Here is everything. I tell Missy Crane you are here.

Niles

Thank you, Marta.

Martin

Wow. Maybe I can find something nice for Ronee here. This whole Ann thing has got me practically livin' over there.

Daphne

Look at this fancy back scratcher.

Niles

That's not exactly what it is. Every winter Maris would fly down to the private island her family owns in the south Pacific. On Christmas she'd let the native children come by and fish coins from the fountain.

Martin

Oh, some kind of coin-scooper, huh?

Niles

No, no, it's a stick with a claw on the end it in case any of the children got too close to her.

Niles

Ah, I found me. Daphne, avert your eyes. Let's get this thing wrapped up and into my trunk.

Martin

Oh, geez. How could you stand to look at yourself like that?

Niles

I never had to. It was in Maris' bedroom.

Niles

Marta, tell Maris we'll be back to say goodbye..

Marta

[calling from upstairs] Yes, Dr. Crane.

Marta

You were right, Missy Crane. They take the painting right away.

Marta

Now drink your protein shake, you've got a long trip ahead of you.

Marta

Oh, very good, Missy Crane, you drink a lot! ... What? Too much? Okay.

Marta

Oh, here they come!

Daphne

Can we leave now? This place gives me the chills.

Niles

It was designed to. Just let me say goodbye to Maris and we'll...

Niles

What is it, Marta?

Marta

I no find Missy Crane. I go up to her room and all there is is this note.

Niles

Dear God. She says she doesn't believe she can get a fair trial and she can't face life in prison, so she's going to hurl herself off the State Senator Harry R. Burton Bridge. Marta, when was the last time you saw Maris?

Marta

Just before you come.

Niles

Then we can still catch her.

Martin

Well, don't panic. She still has that tracking device, the cops'll stop her.

Niles

Yes, but if we can catch her, maybe I can talk her down.

Marta

Perfect, Missy Crane. I put the tracking bracelet behind the painting just like you say. The workmen will take you in a minute... What? Okay.

Roz

Hey, Frasier, I'm glad I caught you. Did you just get home?

Frasier

No, I've been here a while. Can't bring myself to go in. Not with her in there.

Frasier

She's getting better.

Roz

Look, I did you a favor. My lawyer drew up this document, it releases you from all liability, if you just get Ann to sign it.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, there's no way I'm going to get her to sign this. But I have a better plan: I've just booked passage for her and her mother on a two week cruise to Alaska. That way I'll get her out of my home, but we'll still feel like we're friends.

Roz

Hmm, not a bad idea. Good luck with that.

Frasier

Thank you. Roz, I've been meaning to ask you: how did you ever become friends with Ann? I mean, she's really not your type, is she?

Roz

Oh, we're not really friends. I rear ended her in 1989.

Ann

Well I say divorce him and take him to the cleaners. When you play with someone's heart, you deserve to pay big time. My ex sure did. ... [laughing] Yes, he's still living in his van and he's lucky I let him keep that. Listen, I gotta go. My Bunny's home and he's looking so handsome. Okay, I'll call you later.

Ann

You! Alaska!

Frasier

Oh, the tickets arrived.

Ann

You bet they did. I just called my mother and she's thrilled.

Frasier

Well, I'd hoped she would be.

Ann

She can't believe that you're taking me to Alaska!

Frasier

You told her I was taking you?

Ann

Don't worry, I told her your intentions were honorable. [whispering knowingly] But they better not be.

Frasier

Ann...

Ann

You know, I've been wondering all week "Why is Frasier keeping me here?" He could've just sent me home with a nurse. But then I got these and I figured it out: you've got a thing for me. Well, I've got news for you Romeo…

Frasier

Hold that thought, while Bunny goes and pours himself a big ol' glass o' wine.

Frasier

Caroline.

Caroline

Hi, Frasier. Am I early?

Frasier

Uh...

Ann

Who are you?

Frasier

Uh...just a neighbor.

Caroline

Is our date still on?

Ann

Date!?

Frasier

[pained] No. Since we made our plans, Caroline, I've met someone else.

Ann

Me! So beat it.

Caroline

Frasier?

Frasier

Just go!

Ann

Well...someone's quite the tomcat. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you.

Frasier

[darkly] I don't know what I'm gonna do with you either.

Ann

Hey, hey Bunny, what's this?

Frasier

Oh, it's nothing. Just some work stuff.

Ann

It's got my name on it. It's a liability release! Oh, my gosh, you think I'm gonna sue you.

Frasier

No.

Ann

So that's why you've been so nice to me. Because you're afraid of a lawsuit. So this whole romance was just a fake!

Frasier

No!

Ann

You were leading me on!

Frasier

No, never!

Ann

Well I've got news for you! Nobody plays with my heart! I should sue you!

Frasier

I realize that you're angry now, Bunny...

Ann

YOU'RE Bunny! I'm calling a lawyer!

Frasier

All right, fine! Go ahead and sue! I am fed up with this charade! This was an accident! I have cared for you, I have waited on you, I have pumiced your heels and set your HAIR! Well, if that's not enough for you, so be it! I don't care anymore, I will not BEG! You can take me to the cleaners but you cannot take my dignity!

Ann

Okay, see you in court.

Frasier

Oh dear God, please, no! Pleas, no, no, please! Please, please don't sue me! My...things, my beautiful, beautiful things. I love them so...

Ann

Are you crying?

Frasier

[weeping] No.

Ann

Gross. Frasier, pull yourself together. I'll sign your stupid paper.

Frasier

You will?

Ann

God, to think I had a thing for you. Can I pick 'em or what?

Frasier

Thank you, Ann. I'm sorry it had to come down to all this, this legal business. If it were up to me, I would tear up this piece of paper and forget everything that's happened here.

Frasier

And, uh, here.

Frasier

And...here.

Niles

Yes, officer, we're headed east on Highway 61, toward for the bridge. Do you have a read on her tracking bracelet yet? They say she just passed Exit 29.

Martin

We just passed Exit 29. I don't see anyone ahead of us.

Niles

Do you suppose we passed her?

Daphne

There is a car behind us.

Patrolman

Pull over immediately.

Niles

Dad, you were a cop, what do we do?

Martin

Pull over immediately.

Niles

We don't have time for this, we need to get to the bridge!

Patrolman

According to her tracking device, your wife is in this vehicle.

Niles

But that's absurd!

Daphne

And she's his ex-wife.

Martin

Oh, no, the press is here!

Patrolman

Open the trunk, sir.

Niles

Look, look, please, there's an item of a very personal nature in there, if you could just keep the media away...

Patrolman

[drawing his gun] Now!

Niles

See, see? No Maris.

Niles

Oh, careful with that, that's what I didn't want you to...

Martin

Oh, geez!

Patrolman

What the hell is that?

Niles

It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery and fornication. [The patrolman looks disgusted.]

Daphne

That's what our son would look like if I were a goat.

Patrolman

Here's your tracking device, right there.

Martin

She conned us!

Niles

Well, you have your bracelet, I guess I'll just take my painting.

Patrolman

Sorry, sir, this is evidence.

Niles

No, no, don't...!

Niles

"So, I shipped myself to our private island where, like dear Uncle Julius, I will be immune from extradition. Thank you all and forgive me. Best regards, Maris. P.S. Big ups to all my homeys in lock-down. Stay black, Cell Block D."

Frasier

So, you were the decoys. It's ingenious.

Niles

Mm-hmm.

Martin

How'd she get the tracking bracelet off?

Niles

Apparently she swallowed a salt tablet to make her ankle swell right before they fitted her. Then, when the swelling went down, the bracelet just slipped right off.

Frasier

So, that's it. No more Maris.

Niles

Strange to think I'll never see her again.

Martin

She was a pain, but she was a character.

Frasier

Well, then, let's drink a toast to her. Well, just a drop left.

Niles

Perfect, I can't think of a more fitting toast.

Frasier

There we go.

Niles

To Maris.