Freudian Sleep
Aired Feb. 3, 2004 · Written by Lori Kirkland Baker · Directed by Cynthia J. Popp
Frasier
We still have a few minutes left, and all our lines are open. Uh, shall I attempt another joke?
Roz
[quietly] No.
Roz
[louder] No!
Frasier
All right, then. Come on, callers, don't be shy. There's still time to talk with the good doctor. Five open lines.
Frasier
[beginning an act] Who's this, then, Roz? On line one, uh, whom do we have? I understand we have... Susan, who recently moved here from... Texas.
Frasier
Go ahead, Susan, I'm listening.
Roz
[giving in, putting on a Texas accent] Hi, Dr. Crane.
Roz
I'm new in town, from Texas, and uh, I just left my husband.
Frasier
I see, and why did you do that?
Roz
Well, uh... [suddenly resuming her normal speech] Oh, I know, he was abusive!
Frasier
[glaring at her] That couldn't have been easy for you.
Roz
[resuming Texas accent] Well, my girlfriend helped me. We just got in our convertible and drove through the desert, and we stopped at this honky-tonk. I started dancing with this cowboy--long story short, he roughed me up, and my friend killed him--but then... we met the cutest cowboy, but he stole all our money, so we robbed a gas station and blew up a tanker truck...
Frasier
Yes, I'm afraid we're out of time. I will finish with you off the air, Susan. Meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying Good Day, Seattle, and Good Mental Health.
Frasier
Well, thank you, Thelma. Or is it Louise?
Roz
Don't snap at me because you didn't get any phone calls today. I told you not to put me on the spot again.
Frasier
I'm sorry, Roz, but I was desperate. You know, I really think you were closer with that character yesterday--the young teen who moved into the town that had banned dancing. Now that, that had the tang of reality.
Roz
That was Footloose, you idiot.
Martin
Hey, I thought you were working tonight.
Ronee
I got the night off, and I am kidnapping you for the weekend.
Martin
Oh, where we going?
Ronee
My boss gave me his house in the mountains. It's very romantic. There's this little family of deer that comes right up to the window, so you might want to bring your...
Martin
My camera? I will.
Ronee
I was going to say gun, but suit yourself. Oh, you are going to love it. There's this amazing view of the lake. You can see every star in the sky.
Martin
Wow! Is there a VCR there? Because I just bought a couple of great old Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movies.
Ronee
Well, why didn't you just rent them?
Martin
I did, last August.
Ronee
Oh. Let's get moving. I don't want to get stuck in traffic.
Martin
Sounds good, I'll go pack some food. That was really nice of your boss to give you the cabin. What made him do it?
Ronee
I put out.
Martin
That's my girl!
Frasier
I hate people.
Martin
What's the matter with you?
Frasier
In a perfect ending to a perfect day, the driver next to me swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel, running me into a pothole and drenching me in coffee. I hate squirrels, too.
Martin
Well, maybe it was for the best. The coffee might have made you irritable.
Frasier
My show today was a fiasco. For the second day in a row, we had virtually no callers. It's getting harder and harder to blame it on Roz.
Martin
Well, maybe you fixed everybody.
Frasier
Oh wait, there was one caller. My date for Saturday night called to cancel because I am not her type. Oh, and guess what? Her honesty was not refreshing.
Frasier
Dear God, we're out of sherry. Insult... [placing the bottle down] made injury.
Martin
Well, here's something that will cheer you up. Ronee's boss gave her his cabin for the weekend, so we're heading up there tonight.
Frasier
Oh. Well, being home alone for the weekend might be just the thing for someone in my state of mind. Me... and my shadow of a life.
Martin
[to Eddie] Hey! We're not leaving you at home. You're coming with us. It wouldn't be any fun without you.
Frasier
[turning around holding a glass] Oh really, Dad? I was so hoping that you would say that. The last thing I wanted to do was spend the weekend here wallowing in self-pity. Leave it to you to see right through me, and toss me a lifeline.
Martin
[not sure how to react] Well, uh, now are you sure, Fras? 'Cause, you know, uh, come to think of it, there are lots of squirrels up there.
Frasier
Well, I-I don't mind them in their own milieu. Oh, gosh, I'm so looking forward to taking in some mountain air with the two of you, and isn't this fortuitous? I've just had my Tyrolean hat re-feathered.
Ronee
[to Martin] Can I talk to you?
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Oh, Frasier, I have had... the worst day imaginable. I need a sherry.
Frasier
Brace yourself.
Niles
[noticing the empty bottle] You always think it's going to happen to someone else.
Frasier
I've opened some wine, Niles. Help yourself.
Niles
Oh, thanks. Two of my patients cancelled, and Daphne and I spent the afternoon arguing over which diaper pail we would buy for the nursery. Then, driving home, I successfully avoided hitting a squirrel, only to be nearly run off the road by some horn-happy maniac.
Frasier
That was me, you simp, you nearly killed me.
Niles
You nearly killed me! And what was that crude multi-part gesture you unleashed on me?
Frasier
I had hot coffee all over my hand.
Frasier
You know what, I do not wish to delve into this. I am trying to put my own miserable day behind me. To that end, Ronee and Dad are going to the mountains this weekend, and I've decided to tag along.
Niles
Ah. So it'll be just two wheels and you.
Frasier
What are you saying?
Niles
Well, just that if Ronee and Dad are going away for the weekend, it might have been more considerate not to horn in.
Frasier
I'm not horning in, they invited me.
Niles
Ah. I would never dream of accepting such an obvious pity invite.
Frasier
Well, you don't have to dream because they didn't invite you.
Martin
It happened so fast, then he got all excited and I didn't know what to say.
Ronee
Well, how about "I was talking to the dog?"
Frasier
Well, you know, the poor guy's going through a bad patch right now. He could use a little company. We don't have to spend any time with him.
Ronee
Marty, you know I love Frasier, but this was supposed to be our weekend, you know, you and me alone.
Martin
I know.
Ronee
But hey, why stop at Frasier? Why not invite Niles and Daphne and make it a party?
Niles
We'd love to! Thank you, Ronee! Thanks, Dad! [exiting, with a taunting tone] Frasier...
Frasier
Morning.
Daphne
You're finally up. How'd you sleep?
Frasier
Perfectly. I was borne off to dreamland by the cooing of a morning dove.
Ronee
Oh, I heard that too. I think the weasels are in heat.
Martin
Ronee and I are taking a walk down to the lake. Anybody interested?
Frasier
Oh, no thanks, Pa. I'm fixin' to have me some vittles.
Ronee
Is he going to talk hillbilly all weekend?
Martin
Ah, you should have heard him the weekend of the Renaissance Faire.
Frasier
See you guys later.
Martin
All right.
Ronee
Okay, bye.
Frasier
Ah, Daph. You know who would have really enjoyed this trip? [wistfully] Niles.
Daphne
You're right. But let's not dwell on that. We'll make our own fun.
Frasier
Right. Something smells good. Whatcha cookin'?
Daphne
Sausage patties.
Frasier
Oh. Hope they're hot and spicy. That's the way I like it.
Daphne
I know you do.
Daphne
You're so different from your brother.
Frasier
Really? How so?
Daphne
Well, for one thing... you're alive.
Frasier
You know, I can't believe there are still people who blame me for Niles's death.
Daphne
Oh, people will talk about anything. So you sliced him to ribbons with your wheat thresher. It was your first time farming, for God's sakes.
Daphne
What did I do with the salt? Hmmm...
Daphne
Maybe I left it in the dining room.
Daphne
[calling from behind the door] Oh, I forgot to mention...
Frasier
What's that, dear?
Daphne
I just had your baby.
Frasier
[rising] I have never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.
Niles
Frasier? I thought you went to bed.
Frasier
I-I had a rather bizarre dream.
Niles
Really? What about?
Frasier
Oh...
Frasier
Well, I'm not sure you'd really want to hear about this one, Niles.
Niles
Well, clearly it troubled you. It might help you to discuss it. You know how I enjoy interpreting dreams.
Frasier
Mmm... Well, all right, uh... [clears throat] it took place in this very kitchen, and... I was married to Daphne and we were expecting a baby, and, uh... you were dead, and I killed you.
Niles
Well, I can see how that might disturb you.
Frasier
Indeed. [He sips his coffee.]
Niles
A man of your intellect having such an obvious dream.
Frasier
I beg your pardon?
Niles
Oh, come on. You're lonely, and you envy what I have. I was just hoping for something more complex, you know, a stairway leading nowhere or Mom giving you a physical.
Frasier
Well, there were many other perplexing details that I left out. For instance, uh, well there was um... a wheat thresher and... some sausage patties. And Eddie was dead, too.
Niles
Ah, well, there's a real head-scratcher.
Frasier
Well, thank you for your exhaustive analysis, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should relocate your offices to a drive-thru so your patients could speak into a clown's nose.
Niles
All right, I'm going to bed now. I was hoping this book would make me drowsy, but it looks like your dream has done the trick instead.
Frasier
[calling out to him petulantly] You died tragically, and no one missed you!
Frasier
Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz
Finally, your show's about to start.
Frasier
I'm sorry. We just got back from the mountains this morning.
Roz
Well, you're about to get all the vacation you can handle. Kenny says if you don't get a call today, you're off the air.
Frasier
What?! Well, we're bound to get a call.
Roz
Why? We haven't had a call in six months.
Frasier
Oh, dear.
Roz
You're on!
Frasier
What?
Frasier
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's our first caller, Roz?
Roz
We have no one from nowhere.
Frasier
Very amusing, Roz.
Frasier
What's that sound?
Roz
It's a phone! Go get it! Hurry!
Frasier
Oh!
Frasier
Hello! Hello, Seattle, I'm listening!
Roz
Not that one, the black one!
Frasier
Hello! Seattle, I'm listening. [It's not the right one.]
Roz
[pointing] Right there!
Frasier
[trying again] Hello! Hello, Seattle...
Roz
Hurry! They're going to hang up.
Frasier
Hello... Hello... Hello...
Roz
[Texas accent] If you don't find that phone, I'm driving this booth off a cliff.
Frasier
[desperately trying to find the right one] Hello.... Hello.... Oh, God, I'm trying to listen... [He sobs.]
Frasier
Oh! Damn it!
Daphne
[v.o., fade in] Niles, how's the baby? Have you fed the baby yet?
Daphne
Make sure you warm the bottle first, but not too hot. Should I come up?
Daphne
What was that? Is everything all right up there? I'm coming to check.
Daphne
[over Niles's actions] Don't forget to burp him. If you don't burp him, he'll cry. I'd better do it myself. Here I come. Is the baby okay? What's going on? I'm on my way.
Daphne
He's going to need a new nappy, too. But don't forget your other responsibilities, Niles. There's lots of other responsibilities.
Daphne
You have to prioritize, and the baby comes first. Is he all right? I'm coming up there.
Daphne
Make sure you support his head when you hold him. Are you doing it right? I'm coming to check. Are you ignoring me? Why don't I hear anything? Do I have to do everything around here?
Daphne
Do I smell something burning?
Daphne
I'm on my way.
Daphne
What was that? I'd better not find a mess. I have enough work taking care of the baby. I can't clean up after you, too.
Daphne
Is everything all right in there?
Niles
[sitting up, gasping] I can't do it.
Daphne
It's just as well, I'm too tired anyway.
Frasier
Oh, you couldn't sleep either?
Daphne
Just thought I'd fix meself a little snack.
Frasier
Well, you're entitled, eating for two.
Daphne
I had the baby five months ago.
Frasier
Oh. Yes, that's right, I had Roz send you some flowers.
Daphne
I just have a few extra pregnancy pounds I haven't been able to lose yet. I work out every day. It's really starting to show.
Frasier
Oh yes. Well done. I'll have Roz send you some flowers.
Niles
Excuse us. The plumber has to fix the leaky faucet in our bedroom.
Daphne
Oh, sure. Go right on up.
Daphne
Isn't he a clever one, finding a plumber at this hour? Isn't he a clever one, finding a plumber at this hour.
Frasier
Yes, indeed. How fat of you to notice.
Daphne
Hello.
Woman
I'm here about the cable problem?
Daphne
Oh, I don't know anything about that.
Niles
[rushing back in] I'll handle this, Darling. [suggestively] Cable's out in the bedroom.
Woman
[sultry tone] Well, let's see what you've got going on in there.
Daphne
Bless him. He's on top of everything around here.
Frasier
[contemplating his chess set] You know, I really miss playing with Niles. He's so busy sleeping with other women.
Daphne
What did you say?
Niles
[re-entering] Have you seen Dad?
Daphne
Do you still think I'm beautiful?
Niles
Dad! There you are. I need to show you something in the bedroom.
Daphne
Niles, wait!
Daphne
Please tell me you think I'm beautiful! Niles, answer me!
Daphne
Niles!
Niles
Are you all right?
Daphne
How could you?!
Niles
I'm sorry?
Daphne
You'd better be!
Daphne
[grumpily] Hello.
Frasier
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
What are you doing here?
Frasier
Had a nightmare. Couldn't get back to sleep.
Daphne
[sitting] That's strange. Niles had a nightmare, too. And I just dreamt...
Frasier
[interrupting] Niles had a nightmare?
Daphne
Mm-hmm.
Frasier
What about?
Daphne
He dropped the baby and it shattered.
Frasier
[chuckling] That's perfect. Wait a minute. How did he drop it? Was it from a height? In a crowd? Was there water involved?
Daphne
No, it was in the nursery.
Frasier
[satisfied] Yes!
Frasier
Oh, hi, Niles! I understand you had a bad dream. [He chuckles.]
Niles
Yes, it was utterly inscrutable. There was a table saw and apple pies, and...
Frasier
Spare me, Niles, you broke the baby. Now who has the obvious dreams?
Niles
It was still more interesting than yours. [to Daphne] Frasier dreamed he killed me and married you.
Daphne
At least he wasn't cheating on me with the service people because I was fat!
Niles
Will you please stop blaming me for something I did in your dreams?
Daphne
So you admit it?
Niles
Daphne, Daphne, I will always find you attractive. Your dream shouldn't worry you at all, unlike mine. I could very well turn out to be a bad father.
Frasier
At least you two can face your fears together. Whom do I have to hug away my nighttime terrors, hmm?
Daphne
Oh, boo-hoo, send yourself some flowers.
Frasier
I beg your pardon? That's a rather flippant comeback, when I express myself...
Niles
[talking over him] Don't you take that tone with my wife!
Daphne
He finally notices I'm in the room.
Martin
What the hell is going on here?
Frasier
Well, Dad, it's this infernal mountain air. It's giving us all nightmares.
Martin
All of you?
Frasier
Well, Daphne dreamed that she was terminally fat, Niles that he was going to be a bad parent, and... well, at least mine arose from a real problem, the fact that I will always be alone.
Martin
Oh, geez, we come up here to relax, and you're arguing about your dreams?
Niles
Well, dreams that reveal genuine anxieties, which...
Martin
Blah, blah, blah. [to Daphne] You're going to lose your looks? Happens to everyone. [to Frasier] You're afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family. [to Niles] You're afraid you're going to be a bad father? Join the club. Now just clam it up and go to bed.
Niles
You know, I'm starting to regret inviting him up here.
Frasier
Dad, we're sorry.
Niles
You were right.
Daphne
Maybe we let our problems get to us a bit too much.
Martin
Well, hell yes, if they're the worst of your problems, you're lucky. I've got a bullet in my hip, a girlfriend who's too good for me and might realize it any day, a dog who's pushing eighty in human years, and I'm not far behind him. But you don't hear me making a fuss, do you? Know why? 'Cause I focus on what's good about my life. You know what you people should do? Let's tell them, Ronee.
Martin
[singing] Grab your coat and get your hat Leave your worries on the doorstep Life can be so sweet On the sunny side of the street
Martin
[singing] Can't you hear that pitter-pat? And that happy tune is your step Life can be complete On the sunny side of the street
Martin/Ronee
I used to walk in the shade With my blues on parade But I'm not afraid And this rover, crossed over
Martin/Ronee
If I never have a cent I'll be rich as Rockefeller Gold dust at my feet On the sunny side of the street!