Caught In The Act
Aired February 24, 2004 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Martin
Large coffee to go, please. [with heavy innuendo] Black. [sits with Frasier] Whew, didn't get much sleep last night at Ronee's. Don't ask why, �cause there are certain things a gentlemen doesn't tell.
Frasier
[hoping he'll shut up] Ah.
Frasier
Dad, please?
Martin
Well, all right, I'll tell you just a little. She's got this massage oil-
Frasier
Would you stop it! I do not want to hear about your dirty weekend — especially since the most erotic experience I've had in six months was last week's trouser fitting.
Frasier
Oh, Niles.
Martin
Hi, Niles.
Niles
Hi.
Frasier
The GAP, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
Niles
I just discovered it. Apparently there are a number of them.
Frasier
[suspicious] And what did you get there?
Niles
Oh, uh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase-
Frasier
That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!
Frasier
Just as I thought. You bought the Diego sweater.
Martin
Well, what's the big deal? It's just a sweater.
Frasier
It is not "just a sweater," it is a work of art by Spain's fabled master weaver Diego — who uses only the soft chin hairs of Andalusian mountain goats. Our sweater man could only get one this year. Niles and I made a pact that neither of us would buy it. [to Niles] You can't even keep a simple sweater pact!
Martin
Ah, Ronee — now there's a gal who can keep a sweater "packed!"
Frasier
Stop that! [to Niles] The least you can do is let me borrow it sometime.
Niles
Absolutely not! You know Diego's weave conforms precisely to the contours of one's body. Five minutes on you, I'd never be able to wear it again.
Daphne
Hello!
Niles
[lowers voice] Not a word about this. We're saving money for the baby's college fund. She'd kill me if she found out I spent half a semester on a sweater.
Martin
You want this? I'm leaving.
Daphne
Where have you been? You missed your massage this weekend.
Martin
[smug grin] That's what she thinks.
Frasier
Just go!
Niles
[to the waiter] Can I get a coffee? [to Daphne] No biscotti?
Daphne
No. I baked me own. I decided a dollar-fifty was way too much to spend on a cookie. Anyone?
Niles
[nervous] Oh, thank you, my angel of thrift.
Niles
Good morning!
Roz
Yeah, maybe yours was. I just spent the last two hours waiting in line for this kiddie performer that Alice loves — Nanny Gee [Niles and Frasier's ears prick up] - and the second I got to the window the show sold out.
Niles
Nanny Gee? Frasier might be able to pull a few strings for you there. [Frasier chuckles]
Roz
Do you know Nanny Gee? What, did you like date her?
Frasier
Actually, I married her.
Roz
You married Nanny Gee?
Frasier
Yeah well, briefly. It was years ago. I was a callow, dreamy-eyed youth, and she was...
Roz
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need tickets! She's at Kid Books right now, signing her new CD. If you come with me...
Frasier
Well, all right, all right, I'll see what I can do.
Niles
Thank you.
Daphne
Oh, and could you turn the heat up in here? It's freezing.
Frasier
[as he's leaving] Oh, Niles has a sweater.
Daphne
Oh, and it's from the Gap — good boy! Now help me stretch the neck out, I don't want to muss me hair.
Girl
[getting her CD] Thank you, Nanny Gee!
Roz
So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee?
Frasier
Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom...
Roz
Frasier!
Frasier
Sorry.
Roz
[glances around] So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?
Frasier
Oh, big hugs.
Roz
[chuckling] No kidding.
Frasier
We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.
Roz
So, are you hoping for another hug?
Frasier
Mmm? Well, the thought had crossed my mind. You know, we used to have this wild attraction to each other — it was almost combustible! Truth be told, it's been a while since, I, uh... [covers Alice's ears] romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.
Roz
Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.
Nanette
[eyes on Alice] And who's this for?
Frasier
Frasier. F-R-A-
Nanette
[looks up] Frasier! Oh, it's so good to see you again!
Frasier
[shakes her hand] Nanette, hi.
Nanette
[to Roz] And you, you look great! I've never such color in your cheeks...
Frasier
Oh, this isn't Lilith. This is my co-worker, Roz, and her daughter, Alice.
Nanette
[to Alice] Hey, Alice. How old are you?
Frasier
I'm divorced now.
Alice
Five.
Nanette
Wow, five!
Frasier
Single again.
Nanette
You know what happens when you turn six? You grow an extra finger! [Alice laughs]
Frasier
Footloose, fancy-free...!
Roz
She's not biting. Just get the tickets.
Frasier
All right. You know, Nanette, Alice was so hoping to see your show. But alas, all the tickets are sold.
Nanette
Well, I think I can scare up three seats — if you don't mind sitting in the front row.
Roz
Oh, thank you, Nanny Gee!
Donald
Can I have everyone's attention? Nanny Gee has to go to the theater now. So... no more autographs.
Kids
Ohh...
Nanette
Gosh, I'm sorry. But maybe we may have time for one more thing. Would you like to hear a song?
Kids
Yeah!
Nanette
Does everyone know the Peek-A-Boo Song?
Kids
Yeah!
Nanette
Well, then you know what to do!
Nanette
[covers her eyes, singing] Peek-A-Boo...
Kids
Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette
Peek-A-Boo...
Kids
Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette
Someone's there, but oh my gosh, I don't know who! Is it you?
Kids
Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette
Give a clue!
Kids
Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette
Guess I'd better go and sneak a Peek-a-Boo! [uncovers her eyes]
Kids
Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette
That was great! And now it's your turn to sing back to me, so I want everyone to cover their eyes!
Nanette
Ah-ah! I said everyone!
Kids
Peek-A-Boo...
Nanette
Peek-A-Boo!
Kids
Peek-A-Boo...
Nanette
Peek-A-Boo!
Kids
Someone's there, but oh my gosh, I don't know who! Is it you?
Nanette
[past his lips] Peek-A-Boo!
Kids
Give a clue!
Nanette
Peek-A-Boo!
Kids
Guess I'd better go and sneak a Peek-a-Boo!
Nanette
Peek-A-Boo!
Frasier
One more time!
Frasier
Oh hi, you guys. I'm glad you're both here. Guess who's coming by for a drink — Nanette Gooseman.
Niles
Nanny Gee!
Martin
I don't suppose she's bringing her checkbook.
Frasier
Oh, dear God, Dad, will you let it go?
Martin
I was still paying for that wedding six months after you two divorced! Nannette didn't have any family, so she got off scot-free.
Niles
Oh yeah, orphans get all the breaks.
Niles
Hey, Frasier, Dad and Ronee are joining us for dinner, why don't you two come along?
Frasier
Well, actually, Niles, I'm planning a bit of an intimate evening myself.
Niles
Really?
Frasier
She wants me!
Martin
Are you sure? You said that last week about the cable lady, and she just had something in her eye.
Frasier
She hit on me in the children's bookstore — where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt!
Niles
[examining the CD] Judging from some of these song titles, you may be right. "Nanny's Messy Bed," "I Feel Something Great Inside Me," "Bannisters are Fun"...
Daphne
Hey. [they ad-lib hellos]
Niles
My sweater — weren't you wearing it when you went out?
Daphne
Yeah, but Eddie was pulling me along so fast, I started sweating like a blacksmith. I could smell the lamb curry I had for lunch just wafting out my pores. But don't worry, it's right here.
Daphne
Oh, great! [extracts a cookie] That was me last butterscotch, now it's all fuzzy!
Frasier
That'll be Nanette!
Frasier
Nanette!
Nanette
God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and... [sees the rest] Hi!
Frasier
Here, let me take your wrap.
Daphne
[aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer?
Martin
Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.
Frasier
Nanette, you remember my dad, of course, and Niles, and this is his wife, Daphne.
Daphne
Hello, it's nice to meet you.
Nanette
Oh, it's nice to meet you too. [hugs Niles] And oh, I don't think I've seen you since the wedding!
Martin
Oh, I remember that day. All those nice friends of yours came. What was it - sixty, seventy?
Frasier
Yes, okay, Dad.
Martin
I know, because, only fifty RSVP'd.
Frasier
It's all right. You know, sadly, this bunch is going out this evening, so it'll be just the two of us.
Donald
Hey!
Nanette
And Donald.
Frasier
Donald?
Donald
Hey, put her there — Don Burwell.
Frasier
[shaking hands] Frasier Crane, uh...
Nanette
Donald, here, does - well, just about everything for me. He's my manager, producer, songwriter, publicist-
Donald
Husband.
Nanette
I was getting there. And when I told him where I was going, well he just had to come along to meet you.
Frasier
Well, uh... gosh, who wants wine? I know I do!
Nanette
I'll help! [follows him] Donald, introduce yourself!
Frasier
And just when were you planning on telling me you have a husband?
Nanette
He produces my show, it's a marriage of convenience.
Frasier
Well, at the moment it's not!
Nanette
Come on, give Nanny some sugar!
Frasier
Stop-stop it, stop it! Donald will see us.
Nanette
Well, say that you're short on something and send him to the store. He's good at errands!
Frasier
I'm not going to send him on an errand. He's your husband!
Nanette
It's just business. It's nothing compared to what we had. [fondling his chest] Do you remember the passion... and the wildness?
Frasier
[weakens] Well, we are running low on cornichons...
Donald
Not only did we break house records in Boise and Topeka, but she hasn't missed a show. She just, she lives to entertain children.
Niles
Of all ages. Don, come out and look at the balcony.
Frasier
Dear God! Have we lost our minds?
Nanette
Frasier, if you knew how bored I am, being "Nanny Gee." [pours herself a big glass of wine] How trapped I feel...
Frasier
You have a wonderful career.
Nanette
But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?
Frasier
But... you've brought joy to countless small children.
Nanette
Yeah, well, there are times you want to bring joy to somebody big enough to throw a little back at you.
Frasier
Who wants wine?
Daphne
[sotto voce] Oh, that'll cool her right down.
Niles
Uh, none for us, we really have to go.
Martin
[getting up as Donald reenters] Yeah. Uh, nice to meet you, Donald. And, uh, Fras, see you in a few hours.
Donald
[cheerfully] So, looks like a threesome tonight.
Martin
Maybe I'll just stay at Ronee's.
Frasier
Yes, well, uh... here we all are.
Donald
Hello? Ar-are you sure? [to the others] Mr. Bunny's using again. [into phone] Do you have anyone to replace him?
Nanette
Donald, we are guests here! Take that outside.
Nanette
Honestly, the man has no manners.
Frasier
[forces her away] Cut that out!
Nanette
Oh, I can't help myself. I've never stopped thinking about you.
Frasier
Nor I you, but this is wrong.
Nanette
Oh Frasier, you're so good. You always do the right thing. I have the exact same problem.
Frasier
Well, you're making great strides overcoming it.
Nanette
[checks the balcony] Well, I'm tired of being good. [sits up] I've sung my songs and cheered people up. [lifts her glass] Haven't I earned the right to be a little bad? Isn't there a part of you that wants to be bad?
Frasier
Yes, and three guesses which one. I-I... I can't do it.
Nanette
Come to my dressing room after the show tomorrow. I have an hour when Donald's busy. I know an hour's not much...
Frasier
[overcome] Trust me, an hour's more than ample.
Donald
Well, I just hope he shows up tomorrow. That bunny suit is just so darn tight on me.
Frasier
Donald, you know, you really must try one of these Gruyere tarts.
Donald
Oh, no thanks. I'm watching the old cholesterol.
Nanette
So am I — but you know what? I just feel like being bad tonight. [takes one] What about you, Frasier? Are you going to be bad?
Donald
Ah, go on — what's one little tart?
Frasier
Niles-
Niles
Well, it shows its face. What was that last night?
Frasier
Relax, relax, nothing happened. My problem now is that she's invited me to her dressing room for an... apr�s-show tryst.
Niles
You're not going?
Frasier
Well...
Niles
Frasier!
Frasier
Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from-from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
Niles
...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear.
Frasier
All right! I want her and she wants me!
Niles
She's-married.
Frasier
Well, I married her first! "Till death us do part," as I recall! Now you may not take those vows seriously, but I do.
Niles
Will you listen to yourself?
Frasier
Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles! This is passion, kismet! A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn't the real sin be to refuse it?
Niles
Isn't that your old second-piece-of-pie argument?
Frasier
Well, maybe it is, but I haven't had "pie" in six months!
Niles
Frasier, you can rationalize this any way you want. But the question is, if you do this, can you live with yourself afterwards?
Roz
Ready for the concert?
Niles
[rising] Hey, Alice.
Alice
Hi, Uncle Niles!
Alice
Come on, Mommy, let's go!
Roz
Oh, oh, oh — no hugs for Frasier?
Frasier
[sadly] No... no hugs for Frasier.
Nanette
Frasier, I thought you were coming after the show.
Frasier
No, I can't.
Nanette
Well, we have ten minutes, let me just get rid of- [yells into the room] Donald!
Donald
[o.s.] Huh?
Frasier
No, no. I can't do this at all.
Nanette
What?
Donald
[o.s.] Huh?
Nanette
[into room] Nothing, just sit there!
Frasier
God knows I'm tempted, but this is wrong. I-I'm sorry you've been so unhappy in your life lately, but... if you want to talk, we can meet later, at the coffee shop next door.
Nanette
Well, why can't we talk now?
Frasier
Don't you have a show to do?
Nanette
They can't start without me. Here, come with me.
Frasier
What is this place?
Nanette
It's the prop room. This is where I come before every show to fight off the emptiness and the nausea that comes over me.
Nanette
You don't know how many times I've sat down here, curled up in a ball, vomiting like a wino. [chokes back a sob] Hold me, Frasier.
Frasier
[tempted again, but] I can't. You're married. And these shoes are suede. Look, I-I realize that you're at a crossroads right now, and if I can help you reach a decision...
Nanette
[gets up] I can't go on.
Frasier
Then don't. Make a break, redefine yourself-
Nanette
No, I mean now. This show, I can't go on.
Frasier
What? Cancel?
Nanette
I can't go out there and sing and dance and pretend to be a happy lady when the love of my life has just rejected me.
Frasier
[weakening] Oh, Nanette, I... I realize that you're upset, but-but think of little Alice, and-and the children.
Nanette
[lays on her back] Oh, let them learn now that life is filled with bitter disappointments.
Frasier
But, Nanette...
Nanette
Oh, make me a happy lady, Frasier. And then I can go on.
Frasier
For the children!
Nanette
[helping him] I'll get the belt...
Nanette
Take me, Frasier!
Frasier
Yes! Yes!
Nanette
Oh! Oh God! How I've dreamed of this moment! Have you?
Frasier
Are you kidding? [reaches down, pulls off his boxers, and flings them away] I dreamed of it twice last night!
Nanette
Oh my God!
Frasier
Already?
Nanette
[pushes him off her] Oh, no! I thought we had more time! Quick, get off the bed!
Frasier
Oh, dear God! Why is the ceiling opening up?!
Nanette
This is how I make my entrance! [re-buttoning her costume] GET OFF THE BED!
Frasier
I can't, I can't! I'm tangled in the sheets!
Nanette
Oh, my God! Jump!
Frasier
Jump? It's too high!
Nanette
Aim for your clothes!
Frasier
[realizing] Dear God, my clothes!
Nanette
Oh, hide! For God's sake, just hide!
Nanette
You have got to get out of this bed!
Frasier
Can't I just hide here until the show's over?
Nanette
Trust me, that ain't gonna work.
Nanette
[singing] When it's time to rise, I yawn and rub my eyes, because I'm such a sleepyhead But rise I do, �Cause I'm dying to see what's new In Nanny's messy bed
Nanette
There might be treats, Last week I found a pizza And a chimpanzee named Fred [gets out and starts dancing] So kids, what say, we see what we find today in Nanny's messy bed?
Nanette
There's always something new It's Mr. Kangaroo!
Bunnies
Some bunny rabbits, too!
Panda
And a Panda!
Frasier
Psst! Panda!
Panda
[keeps dancing] Who the hell are you?
Frasier
Dr. Frasier Crane, a noted psychiatrist. When does the bed go back to the basement?
Panda
A new set comes on, the bed flies out to the rafters — fast.
All
What a mess! What a mess! What a messy, messy, messy, messy bad! What a mess! Nonetheless...
Nanette
With all the time I spend in it, it's nice to have a friend in it!
Frasier
You have got to get me out of here. The thing's about to fly up to the rafters!
Nanette
Gee, I didn't know that, having only done this show 12,000 times!
Nanette
Put this on.
Frasier
You can't be serious!
Nanette
Just put it on now!
Actors
Messy bed...
Nanette
Oh, hi boys and girls!
Audience
[including Roz and Alice] Hi, Nanny Gee!
Nanette
Well, I guess I guess I'd better make my bed!
Kangaroo
You don't have to, Nanny Gee! I have a magic wand that can make it fly away until it's nighttime again! [waves the wand] Al-a-ka-
Nanette
WAIT! I think there's something in there that I haven't found yet! [looks and gasps] It's the best surprise ever — it's a new baby brother!
Nanette
Oh, what's the matter, little guy? You look kind of sad. Are you going to cry? [urges him with her eyes]
Frasier
Waaaa!
Nanette
Oh, sounds like somebody could use some cheering up. Let's sing him the "Hoppity-Hop" song.
Kangaroo
[under his breath] We cut "Hoppity-Hop" in Detroit.
Nanette
[through her teeth] Well, put it back in!
Nanette
[singing] When I'm blue, just like you When it's not my day I hop, hop, hoppity-hop Hop my troubles away [to Frasier] Come on!
All
When a bee stings my knee When I lose a toy I hop, hop, hoppity-hop and soon I'm jumping for joy!
All
We were feeling sad Now we're feeling snappy We were hopping mad Now we're hopping happy! So when you think people stink Let your knees just bend And hop, hop, hoppity-hop and watch your grumpiness end!
All
Hop, hop, hoppity-hop and soon you'll make a new friend...